Kanye West | J.LO | The Johnny Lopez

This week SCREAMING INTO TRAFFIC enlists the help of Weho’s First Lady Michel Verdi Krymis to sound off on Madonna‘s amazing speech, Botox problems, the Trump & Kanye circus, LA LA Land, sexism, Walking Dead‘s Scientology crisis & the fashion power of Caitlyn Jenner. Now we may not be Russian … but we’re definitely hacks. So listen up!

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This week SCREAMING INTO TRAFFIC sleeps on Kanye West‘s star-studded “Famous” video, watches as Queen Bey & Queen Cersei slay their respective arenas, & goes “All the Way Up” with the songs of the summer & the start of Big Brother. Plus a Hollywood institution undergoes a sad transition, Miranda Priestly turns 10 & the latest ‪#‎CaitlynUpdate‬ for your July 4th weekend audible pleasure.

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Kardashians

1. A living diagram of Lil’ Kim’s immaculate features through the years.

2. The Real Housewives of The Island of Dr. Moreau.

3. Stranded migrants from the douchiest VIP room in Ibiza.

4. The jury at the 2017 AVN Awards at the Heidi Fleiss Resort & Casino in Parhump, Nevada.

5. Despicable people.

6. Survivors of a post-apocalyptic nuclear assault at Forever 21.

7. The official cast photo of cancelled E! Canada series Levonia Jenkins’ Drag Race.

8. The Zika virus.

9. Marvel superheroes which exist solely in Rihanna music videos.

10. The Kardashians on a Thursday afternoon in February.

#SaveNorthWest

 

Here are 15 Things learned from barely watching the 2015 MTV VMAs.

LOS ANGELES, CA - AUGUST 30:  Host Miley Cyrus, styled by Simone Harouche, performs onstage during the 2015 MTV Video Music Awards at Microsoft Theater on August 30, 2015 in Los Angeles, California.  (Photo by John Shearer/Getty Images)

  1. With snatched weaves, beat faces and tacky dresses, it was all about Miley Cyrus’ drag queen posse.

2015 MTV Video Music Awards - Backstage

2. Which hopefully means we are nearing the end of the reign of Kim Kardashian’s drag queen posse.

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3. In keeping with the RuPaul theme, Nicki Minaj and Taylor Swift did their best to lip synch for their lives!

Nomi Malone realness!

Nomi Malone realness!

4. For some unknown reason, the night’s red carpet was sponsored by Showgirls. How else to explain why so many paid homage to Nomi Malone? #Goddess

Britney5. Eight years after imploding live on the VMA stage, Britney Spears returned looking lucid, animated and able to woodenly read a teleprompter again. Sadly, there weren’t enough meds – or conservators – in the world to remove that God-awful navel piercing. #LeaveBritneysBellyAlone

4860309366. Contractually bound for life, forced to appear in mind-numbing propaganda videos and sworn allegiance to an egomaniacal leader, Taylor Swift’s “Bad Blood” squad is like Scientology repurposed for leggy millennial supermodels & assorted B-list actresses. Tay’s next concert stop is sure to feature a duet with Xenu.

Weeknd7. The Weeknd has some serious love for the Jacksons. His oversized jacket and unruly weave was giving us straight up “Control”-era Janet, while the pyrotechnics were a 911-call away from igniting him ala Michael‘s doomed Pepsi commercial. I can’t feel my face … because it’s melting!

Only his hairdresser knows for sure.

Only his hairdresser knows for sure.

8.Kristen Stewart Justin Bieber proved he’s just like every other drunk girl on a Saturday night. He first went to DryBar, then danced & cried. Now all he needs is the morning-after pill.

Kylie_Nicki9. Kylie Jenner is transitioning too … into Nicki Minaj!

2015 MTV Video Music Awards - Show

10. Scary realization #1: It’s a fact, Rebel Wilson is no longer funny.

2015 MTV Video Music Awards - Backstage And Audience

11. Scary realization #2: At 43, Jared Leto could potentially be the biological father of most of the night’s performers and nominees.  Breed me, Jordan Catalano!

Who dat?

Who dat?

12. Scary realization #3: With so many of these new pop babies & YouTube toddlers running amok on stage, I’m actually relieved when I see a Kardashian, if for no other reason than that they’re recognizable.

Happy Hunger Games!

Happy Hunger Games, Yeezy!

13. He looked like he was dressed for The Reaping, so screw the presidency, I nominate Kanye West as Tribute. #BipartisanSupport

2015 MTV Video Music Awards - Pepsi Stage - Fixed Show14. Thanks to Demi Lovato, Iggy Azalea’s face is no longer the only thing getting work.

2015 MTV Video Music Awards - Red Carpet15. In retrospect, it’s amazing how normal Miley turned out.

The 57th Annual Grammy Awards
Five things learned watching the 2015 Grammy Awards:

  1. Thanks to Madonna, Annie Lennox and Prince, the 80s queens are alive and well and still ruling the show.
  2. Staying off social media all night, because CBS still thinks it’s 2008 and won’t air the show live for the West Coast, is freakin’ hard!
  3. Iggy Azalea has co-opted another racial identity—Swiss Miss.

57th GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals

4. As far as Taylor Swift collectibles go: Lorde & Lena Dunham are out, but Haim is in.

The 57th Annual GRAMMY Awards - Backstage And Audience

5. If the show gets any longer, they’ll need to break it up over eight weeks, cast Jessica Lange (*insert Madonna joke here) and call it a mini-series.

The 57th Annual GRAMMY Awards - Show

AC/DC – For everyone belting out age-inappropriate fashion critiques at Madonna, please draw your attention to 59-year-old Angus Young. He’s been doing this for over four decades… which, believe it or not, is even longer than the Queen of Pop.

Angus_Young

Sam Smith – The Best New Artist is Ron Burgundy?

Sam Smith

Anna Kendrick – Looking Pitch Perfect and the sexiest she ever has. Tweet that, AK.

Anna Kendrick

Ariana Grande – It’s amazing what she’s managed to accomplish without the use of her tongue. Enunciating is hard, kids!

Ariana Grande

Jessie J & Tom Jones – He’s used to getting women’s panties thrown at him on stage … and she performed in hers. The Gaga/Tony Bennett thing has officially become a trend.

The 57th Annual GRAMMY Awards - Show

Kanye West – He’s done the impossible and actually made Kim look like the intelligent one. Where’s Paul McCartney’s unplugged microphone when you need it?

US-MUSIC-GRAMMY AWARDS-SHOW

Kim Kardashian – in vintage Liberace. Behind the Kandelabra.

57th GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals

Madonna – The matador/French maid ensemble was the Grammy equivalent of Cher at the Oscars. And whether you loved it or hated it, you can’t deny she brought the drama and spectacle to the somber and lackluster set of performances during the broadcast’s first seven hours. While the disparaging ageist remarks show no sign of abating, the Material Mom continues to flawlessly make inroads so that one day – a long, long time from now – millenials will be able to appreciate someone like Britney Spears as she attempts to hold on to her singing, dancing and overall stage presence. Oh wait.

The 57th Annual GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals

The 57th Annual Grammy Awards

Josh Duhamel – Hello, gorgeous! Looks like Fergie may need to start fielding offers for a CBS procedural if she ever plans to attend the Grammys again.

Josh_duhamel

Beck – Who’s the Loser now? Sorry Beehive, but he’s music to Xenu’s ears! The album of the year is currently streaming on an E-meter near you. His retro Mia Farrow chic is now less Hannah and Her Sisters and more Rosemary’s Baby.

The 57th Annual GRAMMY Awards - Show

Smokey Robinson – The new star of Groom of Annabelle. He will haunt your nightmares!

US-MUSIC-GRAMMY AWARDS-ARRIVALS

Jeff Lynne – You say ELO, I say GEICO caveman.

ELO

Adam Levine & Gwen Stefani – Both looking gorgeous, even if he does have more foundation on than she does.

gwen

Hozier & Annie Lennox – Sweet dreams are made of this … and an imaginary harmonica.

Annie

Nick Jonas – All together now, “I know you are, but what am I?” Further proof that he should remain shirtless at all times.

57th GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals

Meghan TrainorI’m all about that face. Hatchet Face. I’m terrible.

meghan

Pharrell – He’s gone from working at Arby’s to The Grand Budapest Hotel in 12 months. Now we’re all happy to never have to hear this song again.

The 57th Annual GRAMMY Awards - Show

Katy Perry – She was serving Princess Leia meets Solange Knowles wedding dress realness. Featuring an intro by Obama and a domestic abuse survivor to further highlight its importance, the austere performance must have been some sort of penance for that Super Bowl fiasco. Shadow dancers beat sharks and beach balls every time, Katy cats!

katy

Katharine McPhee – She finally made it to the Grammys and all it took was losing American Idol, three albums and a hit CBS drama.

Kat_mcPhee

Lady Gaga – With a career littered with meat dresses, egg arrivals and failed male alter egos – Jo Calderone, anyone? – is it weird that I find her recent transformation into a Real Housewives of Orange County the most offensive? Put your paws up, Vicki Gunvalson!

gaga

Jane Fonda – Further proof Ryan Reynolds was completely miscast in Green Lantern. Hanoi Jane for the win!

Jane

Keith Urban & Nicole Kidman – Ellen and Portia look amazing!

Kidman

Rihanna – Say what you will about her statement red carpet dress, the bigger problem was her ill-fitting Men’s Wearhouse double-breasted suit. Oh Na Na!

Rihanna

Paul McCartney – I find his transition into a younger Maggie Smith quite brave. Legend. Icon. Beatle. Dowager Countess?

The 57th Annual GRAMMY Awards - Show

Sam Smith & Mary J. Blige – A fierce black diva and an out and proud gay man. They’re a duet made in Shonda Rhimes heaven.

The 57th Annual GRAMMY Awards - Show

Prince – The Mrs. Roper thing has now further morphed into a homage to Barbra Streisand in Meet The Fockers. THIS is what it sounds like When Doves Cry … in Boca Raton.

The 57th Annual GRAMMY Awards - Show

Sia – It’s good to see someone getting use out of Lady Gaga’s discarded drag box.

Sia_2

Kristen Wiig – Loved it! She’s a blonde Emo Phillips.  And look, Sia has legs!

The 57th Annual GRAMMY Awards - Show

Beyonce – Descending from the heavens, the weaved wonder came to grace us mere mortals with her ethereal magic. But there was definitely one person who didn’t like her rendition of Precious Lord, Take My Hand from Selma … Ledisi, the chick who sang it in the movie! Oh Hail No!

The 57th Annual GRAMMY Awards - Show