Things Learned From Watching the 2017 Grammys
- Beyonce can get her mother, sister and daughter screen time, but still doesn’t have the power to get Michelle Williams‘ shift covered at P.F. Changs so she can make a cameo at the Staples Center. Rude! #PoorMichelle
2. By the way Beyonce is flaunting her second pregnancy, it’s obvious we still don’t know who carried her first one. #TheTruthIsOutThere
3. The only person who hasn’t tired of hearing “Hello” is Adele. True story!
4. Keith Urban will be amazing in The Betsy DeVos Story.
5. The highest level in Scientology is OT: Shady ’80s Vegas Lounge Act. Save us, Leah Remini!
6. Immediately following their Bee Gees tribute, Little Big Town performed at your cousin’s wedding in Encino. And they took requests!
7. The imaginary Quentin Tarantino film that Dwight Yoakham & Jason Derulo are living in is going to be amazing.
8. Apologies to Chance the Rapper, but it will always be too soon to bring back Cosby sweaters!
And now a few more silly words on some petty shit. Enjoy!
Beyonce – Narcissistic? Yes. Self-indulgent? Of course. Over the top? Clearly. But c’mon, who doesn’t L-U-V a pop queen on her throne? Now, against your better judgement, yell “slay.”
Adele doesn’t need to dance. Adele doesn’t need backup dancers. Adele doesn’t need elaborate stage shows. Adele doesn’t need to parade her body in a unitard. Adele has a voice. Adele has unparralled talent. Adele can stop and restart her performance on live television and you will love it and cheer and, against your better judgement, yell “slay.” These are not alternative facts!
Lady Gaga & Metallica – The Super Bowl was 7 days ago. The Super Bowl is now a memory. The Super Bowl never happened. Now if, against your better judgement, you yelled “slay,” that’s on you.
Katy Perry – ALWAYS. GETS. IT. WRONG. So Becky may finally be WOKE, but the gurl cannot find a decent outfit if her rights depended on it. She ought to shave her head, as it would be her best lewk yet! On the positive side, at least NO ONE yelled “slay.”
Jennifer Lopez – She’s been
slaying destroying the red carpet since that infamous Versace number, but it’s J.Lo’s stick straight synthetic hair extensions that feel leftover from 2000. It’s time to leave this overdone trend on the floor! Sorry, mija.
Demi Lovato – Serving KARDASHIAN on the carpet & ’70s SARKISIAN (as in CHER-ilyn) on stage. Guess she’s done being cool … for the summer.
Maren Morris – Winner of best country something or other. What I want to know is: Will she accept this rose? #SheLooksLikeSomeoneOnTheBachelor
Tim McGraw & Faith Hill – They are both turning 50 in a few months. Is country don’t crack a thing?
CeeLo – Can someone please Uber Gaga’s 2011 egg and send him home?
Bruno Mars – Definitely enjoyed it, but there was just one thing missing from his Prince tribute — Wendy & Lisa!
Rihanna – You don’t need an award, when you’re the coolest chic in the room. Go ahead and say it. I know you want to. “____!”
Halsey – Alls I see is a mashup of early Pink, JLo’s Versace thirst and TLC “Creep.” Next!
Hilton Jackson -The resemblance is uncanny. She has her father’s … last name.
A Tribe Called Quest – The one thing I won’t #resist … using “President Agent Orange!” Pass the Courvoisier, Busta!
And finally, if you haven’t heard the latest episode of my weekly pop culture podcast SCREAMING INTO TRAFFIC, just click below.
10 Things Learned Watching the 58th Annual Grammy Awards:
1. Thanks to Taylor Swift & Ciara‘s W Hotel cabana chic, pool cover-ups are the new black.
2. A bizarre terrorist cell made of Victoria Jackson/Jenna Elfman “Dharma” weave caliphates have infiltrated the country music industry. Save yourselves, Nashville!
3. Sorry Little Monsters, but Annie Lennox should have done the David Bowie tribute and saved us from this Elvis meets Bette Midler/C.C. Bloom “Oh Industry” outtake from Beaches.
4. Adele is human, but she’ll set fire to the rain … & anyone who fucks up her musical performance. As far as styling, the mother of the bride gowns really need to stop!
5. Best performance goes to Sam Hunt and
Carrie Underwood his tight white t-shirt. The 31-year-old was head and shoulders (and ARMS!) above the rest. Yaaaaas, Hunty!
6. Wynonna Judd looks amazing. Oops! As penance for “All About the Bass,” Meghan Trainor has entered the Witness Protection Program.
7. The lead singer of Alabama Shakes is also the guy from Digital Underground. #HumptyDance
8. If he loses any more weight, Sam Smith is going to have to change his name to John Doe.
9. The only thing not moved by that Lionel Richie musical tribute was his face.
10. Robin Thicke & Pitbull – The sequel no one asked for: A Night at the Roxbury 2: Electric Shit-aloo.
With so many lethargic numbers – save for Kendrick Lamar’s passionate performance & Lady Gaga‘s cuckoo bird SNL sketch – you wouldn’t have known last night’s Grammy Awards were actually live on the West Coast for the first time.
In between the red carpet and the latest round in the Taylor Swift -Kanye West publicity fight, here are a few other things that made me sit up and take notice. Enjoy!
Ariana Grande – Sofia Vergara for GapKids.
The Weeknd – His Ex-Machina humanoid girlfriend Bella Hadid had more life than his performance.
Rihanna couldn’t make it so she sent her Snuggy-wrapped understudy Andra Day instead.
Ellie Goulding – Did you know Jenner Lips™ are now available for natural blondes too?
Pharrell Williams – Sisqo is alive and well.
Stevie Wonder – Somehow he got roped into hosting The Hunger Games in the Capitol.
Justin Bieber – Despite the douchey face pubes, the douchey animal print Jwoww outerwear, the douchey flexing poses and even his insistence of trying to make those douchey Michael Flatley Riverdance moves a thing, I’d still hit it. I fully realize I am part of the problem.
Lady Gaga – She BEWITCHED us all.
Johnny Depp, Joe Perry & Alice Cooper – Ever since prison, Teresa Giudice and the rest of the Real Housewives of New Jersey are looking rough. On a related note, remember to watch this week’s intense episode of The Walking Dead.
Mark Ronson – This 40-year-old hipster can GET IT. All of it!
Zendaya – No Patchouli oil and weed tonight, because her freshly blown out mullet is giving you former ’80s child star for the gawds! #WeaveAreTheyNow
Tove Lo – More like Tove NO. Septum piercings are perfect for when an exposed tat and a gown aren’t awful enough.
James Bay – Apparently he was attending the Pennsylvania Dutch Grammys.
Florence Welch – Sorry James Bay, but the Amish are so 2015. Everyone knows it’s all about being a Fundamentalist Cult Wife now! Even Lena Dunham is doing it, so it’s gotta be a thing.
Beyonce – Contrary to conservative outcries, she went all white.
Britney Spears – No, she wasn’t anywhere near the Grammys, but ask yourself: Where were you nine years ago today? May she rest.
- Thanks to Madonna, Annie Lennox and Prince, the 80s queens are alive and well and still ruling the show.
- Staying off social media all night, because CBS still thinks it’s 2008 and won’t air the show live for the West Coast, is freakin’ hard!
- Iggy Azalea has co-opted another racial identity—Swiss Miss.
4. As far as Taylor Swift collectibles go: Lorde & Lena Dunham are out, but Haim is in.
5. If the show gets any longer, they’ll need to break it up over eight weeks, cast Jessica Lange (*insert Madonna joke here) and call it a mini-series.
AC/DC – For everyone belting out age-inappropriate fashion critiques at Madonna, please draw your attention to 59-year-old Angus Young. He’s been doing this for over four decades… which, believe it or not, is even longer than the Queen of Pop.
Sam Smith – The Best New Artist is Ron Burgundy?
Anna Kendrick – Looking Pitch Perfect and the sexiest she ever has. Tweet that, AK.
Ariana Grande – It’s amazing what she’s managed to accomplish without the use of her tongue. Enunciating is hard, kids!
Jessie J & Tom Jones – He’s used to getting women’s panties thrown at him on stage … and she performed in hers. The Gaga/Tony Bennett thing has officially become a trend.
Kanye West – He’s done the impossible and actually made Kim look like the intelligent one. Where’s Paul McCartney’s unplugged microphone when you need it?
Kim Kardashian – in vintage Liberace. Behind the Kandelabra.
Madonna – The matador/French maid ensemble was the Grammy equivalent of Cher at the Oscars. And whether you loved it or hated it, you can’t deny she brought the drama and spectacle to the somber and lackluster set of performances during the broadcast’s first seven hours. While the disparaging ageist remarks show no sign of abating, the Material Mom continues to flawlessly make inroads so that one day – a long, long time from now – millenials will be able to appreciate someone like Britney Spears as she attempts to hold on to her singing, dancing and overall stage presence. Oh wait.
Josh Duhamel – Hello, gorgeous! Looks like Fergie may need to start fielding offers for a CBS procedural if she ever plans to attend the Grammys again.
Beck – Who’s the Loser now? Sorry Beehive, but he’s music to Xenu’s ears! The album of the year is currently streaming on an E-meter near you. His retro Mia Farrow chic is now less Hannah and Her Sisters and more Rosemary’s Baby.
Smokey Robinson – The new star of Groom of Annabelle. He will haunt your nightmares!
Jeff Lynne – You say ELO, I say GEICO caveman.
Adam Levine & Gwen Stefani – Both looking gorgeous, even if he does have more foundation on than she does.
Hozier & Annie Lennox – Sweet dreams are made of this … and an imaginary harmonica.
Nick Jonas – All together now, “I know you are, but what am I?” Further proof that he should remain shirtless at all times.
Meghan Trainor – I’m all about that face. Hatchet Face. I’m terrible.
Pharrell – He’s gone from working at Arby’s to The Grand Budapest Hotel in 12 months. Now we’re all happy to never have to hear this song again.
Katy Perry – She was serving Princess Leia meets Solange Knowles wedding dress realness. Featuring an intro by Obama and a domestic abuse survivor to further highlight its importance, the austere performance must have been some sort of penance for that Super Bowl fiasco. Shadow dancers beat sharks and beach balls every time, Katy cats!
Katharine McPhee – She finally made it to the Grammys and all it took was losing American Idol, three albums and a hit CBS drama.
Lady Gaga – With a career littered with meat dresses, egg arrivals and failed male alter egos – Jo Calderone, anyone? – is it weird that I find her recent transformation into a Real Housewives of Orange County the most offensive? Put your paws up, Vicki Gunvalson!
Jane Fonda – Further proof Ryan Reynolds was completely miscast in Green Lantern. Hanoi Jane for the win!
Keith Urban & Nicole Kidman – Ellen and Portia look amazing!
Rihanna – Say what you will about her statement red carpet dress, the bigger problem was her ill-fitting Men’s Wearhouse double-breasted suit. Oh Na Na!
Paul McCartney – I find his transition into a younger Maggie Smith quite brave. Legend. Icon. Beatle. Dowager Countess?
Sam Smith & Mary J. Blige – A fierce black diva and an out and proud gay man. They’re a duet made in Shonda Rhimes heaven.
Prince – The Mrs. Roper thing has now further morphed into a homage to Barbra Streisand in Meet The Fockers. THIS is what it sounds like When Doves Cry … in Boca Raton.
Sia – It’s good to see someone getting use out of Lady Gaga’s discarded drag box.
Kristen Wiig – Loved it! She’s a blonde Emo Phillips. And look, Sia has legs!
Beyonce – Descending from the heavens, the weaved wonder came to grace us mere mortals with her ethereal magic. But there was definitely one person who didn’t like her rendition of Precious Lord, Take My Hand from Selma … Ledisi, the chick who sang it in the movie! Oh Hail No!
- With Madonna, Katy, Lorde, Ozzy, Yoko & Sean Lennon … Welcome to the Coven Grammys.
- On second thought, with McCartney, Urban, Paul Williams, Bruno Mars,
Latifah, Alicia Keys, Smokey Robinson, Jeremy Renner, Bille Joe Armstrong, Steven Tyler & Hunter Hayes … it was the L-word Grammys.
- If the show is going to run 4 hours then I need Pink’s shirtless dancer in the corner of the screen for at least 3 of them.
- Beyonce needs a hair dryer and nothing else.
- Daft Punk has drank the Gaga juice. Take the helmets off, fools.
- The Little Monsters have found their new Lorde and saviour.
- Robin Thicke has officially Single White Male’d Justin Timberlake. Minus the whole amazing dancing thing.
- Not airing the Grammys live on the West Coast is the most archaic thing CBS has done since revealing their new fall lineup.
- Never watch music award shows live or suffer the wrath of not being able to fast forward through country music performances.
- Respect your elders, people. Everyone ages … if they are lucky.
Beyonce — The new Queen of Pop gave the best Ciara performance ever. Surfboard.
Pharrell — And the first Grammy-inspired Halloween costume of the year is born.
Lorde — Hands down the best album by a seven-year-old poltergeist. She’s 17 going on 43. It’s Darlene from Roseanne meets Amy Irving in Carrie with Japanese hair straightening and a pair of Joaquin Phoenix’s HER pants. Regardless, that awkward teen is one talented beyatch! Team Lorde all the way.
Hunter Hayes – If Showtime decides to make the Nurse Jackie Diaries, they’ve found their young Edie Falco.
Katy Perry – She really needs to stop shopping at the Lady Gaga 99 Cent Store. That performance was amazing … had it been the spring musical at Hellen Keller High.
Robin Thicke – Is it safe now? Are we assured we’ll never be subjected to Blurred Lines again? Please say it is so.
Keith Urban – Nicole Kidman divorced a gay man to marry a gay woman. Only his hairdresser will know for sure.
Pauly Perrette – She’s been on a hit CBS show for over ten years that no one I know watches yet the network rewards her by making her work a job more suitable for Kaley Cuoco’s stand-in. That’s some NCI … B.S.
Dave Grohl, Krist Novoselic & Pat Smear — it’s the Eww Fighters.
Taylor Swift — Performance hair-ography by Nomi Malone’s Showgirls pool scene. #sitdown
Bruno Mars — It’s Alicia Keys had she not become famous. He’s so convincing that I bet Latifah tried to get his number. One dollar to anyone who can explain how the hell he got the Super Bowl gig.
Pink/Fun — I love me some Pink. She’s an amazing singer and performer. Her body and athleticism are beyond. Her concert last year may have been the best show I’ve ever seen. And we get it. You can work a silk like it’s nobody’s business. But the acrobatic jig is up. Time to learn to walk tightrope or pick up a new gimmick because you’ve spoiled us. At this point seeing her twirl in the air above the Staples center while singing live is like a ghost of VMAs past. No offense but it’s true. But PS, she should be the one performing at the Super Bowl!
Ozzy Osbourne — It’s not nice to speak ill of the dead.
Kelly & Sharon Osbourne — Effie Trinket’s plus two at the Panem Grammys.
Ringo Starr — Sorry Ringo but it’s all about his wife Barbara Bach. The former Bond Girl is 66 and looks fantastic. That is some mighty fine upholstery work. All this time I thought she was British, turns out she’s a Queens girl from Jackson Heights. Get tha fuck outta here, loca!
Paul McCartney — Susan Boyle has gone so Hollywood! Loving his Suzi Quatro/Leather Tuscadero from Happy Days shag.
Imagine Dragons/Kendrick Lamar — I thought radio killed Imagine Dragons for me but after that performance they have been redeemed.
Kacey Musgraves — Megan Fox with a twang. Poor thing needs to stay away from the Katy Perry sample sales. Winner of worst performance slot … appearing on a Staples-adjacent stage. At least the audience could get a view of her as they walked to the bathroom.
Julia Roberts — Ladies and gentlemen, Lyle Lovett’s ex-wife. ‘Memba that??
Gloria Estefan– She may have 2 titanium rods in her back but unlike Madonna — who is a year younger — Gloria doesn’t need animatronics to shut her eyes.
Jeremy Renner – 50 shades of gay.
Douche Punk — The only way to redeem themselves for the tired & pretentious robot act would have been to accept the Album of the Year by removing the helmets to reveal … Tina Fey & Amy Poehler. Or to keep it CBS friendly, the Two Broke Girls.
Stevie Wonder — Can someone please plug in his mic … and unplug Pharrell’s?
Cyndi Lauper — 30 years after winning Best New Artist, she wins a Grammy for Kinky Boots. Girls just want to have a career as long and successful as her!
Carole King/Sara Bareilles — Basic bitches for the win. Just two talented singers and pianos. No dancers, smoke machines, costumes, circus acts or helmets. In this day in age, that’s what you call BRAVE.
Steven Tyler/Smokey Robinson — Are those the remaining Pointer Sisters? My 95-year-old aunt has no problem with gay marriage. But these two androgynous, bejeweled, fibre glass divas? That is something she just can’t wrap her head around.
Metallica– At what point exactly did lead singer James Hetfield turn into a TimeWarner cable guy? Can you hook up my Roku too?
Macklemore & Lewis — It was their night. They never looked better. I just feel bad for their poor future ex-girlfriends sitting in the audience.
Same Love — I’m not going to harp too much on having a closeted celebrity officiate the ceremony. Or that CBS aired the segment at a ‘safe’ post 11pm time slot or that they failed to show any (same-sex) couples kissing. I’m just going to revel in the fact that for 5 min they aired a ‘rap’ act — and MADONNA! — singing about equality, love and being gay, without using any euphemisms, that sent a loud & clear message and created a historic memory for 33 loving couples on national TV. And since not everyone, believe it or not, lives in NY or LA, that’s a pretty big deal.
Queen Latifah — I’m all for your baby steps, gurl. But it’s getting ridiculous. Godspeed, Dana.
Mary Lambert — Looked fantastic, minus the dreadful exposed tattoo and gown combo that no one can pull off. No one.
Madonna — Haters gonna hate. She’s 55 & still serving it. Get over it, children. Bey, Katy and Gaga will be lucky to get bashed by future 20somethings should they still be around at the 2045 Grammys to perform with Suri Cruise. I’m sorry but Boss Hogg knows how to make a performance entrance. Open your heart, ageists.
Miranda Lambert — Malin Akerman is that you? From country bumpkin to Trophy Wife!
Billie Joe Armstrong — Shane from The L-Word.
Yoko Ono — The woman is 80. Fuck what ya heard, she’s the Supreme, bitches.
Alicia Keys — Those are some damn nice pecs, lady.
Paul Williams — Adorable. Serving Cloris Leachman/Beverly Ann on ‘Facts of Life’ realness.
Nine Inch Nails — Trent Reznor should be thanking the Recording Academy. Because rolling credits during his performance & then tweeting ‘Fuck You’ to the Grammys gave him the opportunity to still seem remotely punk rock. A feat nearly impossible after winning an Oscar.