golden globes | J.LO | The Johnny Lopez

Hold on to your edges!

With three truly “unbelievable” performances in Boy Erased, Destroyer & Aquaman, Nicole Kidmans WIGS were totally robbed of Best Supporting Actress nominations!

While the 51-year-old ex Mrs. Tom Cruise did score an acting nod for Best Actress in a Drama for Destroyer, the 88 members of the sketchy Hollywood Foreign Press discarded her big ’80s matronly blonde coif, her dusty salt & pepper lace front shag & her long wispy & banged Marvel mane  faster than a queen lip syncing on RuPaul’s Drag Race. Sashay away!

Unless Lady Gaga actually wins an acting award for A Star Is Born, this may be the biggest weave snatch of the year.

In the meantime, we’ll have to wait until season 2 of Big Little Lies to get some #JusticeForNicolesWigs.

The Golden Globes air Sunday, January 6th on NBC.

 

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In the name of the Pia, and of the Madonna and of the Holy Gaga.

Thanks be to the Hollywood Foreign Press.

Amen.

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With the Golden Globes this weekend, Hollywood will most likely play it safe for the show’s annual red carpet on Sunday.

But on Saturday, it seemed the film and TV elite gave their stylists a much needed night off and were left to their own devices to attend the wardrobe & weave malfunction-palooza that was the Art of Elysium gala.

While the event did honor avant garde fashion legend Vivienne Westwood, these B-list stars – and Johnny Depp – just looked downright strange.

Juliette

1. Juliette Lewis – As the Megyn Kelly of Scientology (aka the one you excuse for her affiliation with a batshit crazy org), I fully support whatever role on Once Upon a Time she’s trying to land. #XenuPrincess

Amber

2. Amber Heard & Johnny Depp prove that despite their combined fortunes, box office flops and 23-year age gap, it’s still a very thin line between Hollywood hipster couple and Real Housewives of New Jersey cast. #fuggeddaboutit

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3. Kaley Cuoco and sister Briana Cuoco – Forget what she’s wearing (no, really!), because  I bet many of us have never really realized just how much visibility the Big Bang Theory star is bringing to non-white actors everywhere. #OITNB

Zendaya

4. Zendaya – Isn’t it better to have your weave smell like patchouli oil and weed than Rite-Aid sale rack?! #WigInABag

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5. Malin Ackerman – With Madonna causing a scene across town at Sean Penn‘s Haiti benefit, Malin stood in for the Material Mom by donning her best “Express Yourself” wig drag. Don’t go for second best baby!

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6. Ed Westwick – I think the Gossip Girl star was drugged, because how else do you explain the Cosby sweater suit & the highlighted tips?! #ChessKing

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7. Christina Hendricks is giving you Mia Farrow at the AVN Porn Awards realness. #FreeSoonYi

Bella

8. Bella Thorne – It’s obvious she drank the Vivienne Westwood purple Kool-Aid. Unfortunately, this teenage Cuban-American Disney princess is about as punk rock as Green Day.

Paz

9. Paz Vega – At some point in the last decade, the Spanglish star (‘memba that?!) transitioned from Penelope Cruz’s twin into Anne Hathaway’s. #AyDiosMio

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10. Raven-Symone has never looked so good! DAYUM! Oh wait, it’s actually Christina Milian. Carry on.

Stay tuned for the Golden Globes recap … perhaps.

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Ten Things learned watching the 2015 Golden Globes:

1. With it being their final hosting appearance, Tina Fey & Amy Poehler were already missed … for basically disappearing after their opening monologue. #themargaretchoshow

2. It was the year of the heartfelt ‘this is bigger than me’ minority speech following wins by the gorgeous Gina Rodriguez, Transparent, Jeffrey Tambor, Common, Kevin Spacey and Matt Bomer.

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3. Bronzer is the new Black as Channing Tatum, Justin Theroux and Adam Levine attended the Golden Glows.

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4. 50 Shades of Grey is even more doomed than originally thought because Dakota Johnson and Jamie Dornan had as much sexual chemistry on stage as Kate Mara and Kevin Spacey.

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5. Melissa McCarthy eschewed a limo and arrived on the Mayflower.

6. The real cause of all the celebrity perspiration wasn’t faulty air conditioning but Whitney Houston. Since the awards are held at the scene of her 2012 death, the late diva made sure to give everyone in the Beverly Hilton the infamous ‘Whitney sweats.’ Hell to the Globes!

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7. Jennifer Lopez, Salma Hayek, Jane Fonda, Jennifer Aniston, Jared Leto, Robert Downey Jr. and Paul Rudd have been inducted into The John Stamos Academy for Looking Better Than You Did in 1996. Don’t ask. Don’t tell.

8. Michael Keaton is the comeback story of the year a la Mickey Rourke in The Wrestler, which means he has about five years until his face morphs into a melted Play-doh Michael Myers Halloween mask.

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9. Prince has essentially become Tyler Perry’s Mrs. Roper.

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10. The deprogramming worked… Katie Holmes has been completely reanimated and successfully assimilated back into the human race. Mission Possible. Holy shit! But where’s Suri?!

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Benedict Cumberbatch – If Best Actor winner Eddie Redmayne goes missing it won’t take Alan Turing – or Sarah Koenig – to figure out who did it. #serial

Jennifer Aniston – Always the bridesmaid, never the bride was never truer than by the looks of her black sequined catering hall chic. Props for attempting her best Jolie Leg™.

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Margaret Cho – All signs are pointing to Cho’s agents as the real culprits behind the SONY hack. Welcome back, Marg!

Jennifer Lopez & Jeremy Renner – Nothing like calling out J.Lo’s boobs to deflect the fact that your estranged wife is divorcing you for FRAUD! Also, interesting that he plays Hawkeye yet she’s the one that looked like an Avenger.

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Kristen Wiig – Serving Vera Fermiga realness. She and Bill Heder are obviously hysterical but if the Hollywood crowd inside the Hilton can’t muster up more than a few chuckles then the Internets hope that they host next year seems futile. Not Todaaaay!

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Common and John Legend – Yes and yes! #EggplantFridays came early this week.

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Matt Bomer – Giving us true rainbow pride with his blue tux AND the reddish purple hair.

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The Affair – Thinking the Showtime series is better than Game Of Thrones or House of Cards only further proves how ridiculous the 80 odd members of the Hollywood Foreign Press really are. The Pia Zadora Golden Globes curse lives! (look it up, Millennials).

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Ruth Wilson – Apparently, Melissa McCarthy wasn’t the only one who repurposed her outfit from the remnants section of JoAnn Fabrics.

Robin Wright – Claire Underwood was ROBBED. She will cut you.

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Kevin Spacey – At least he can finally be out and proud about being a Golden Globe winner.

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Kate Mara – She, hands down, was the sexiest beard of the night. Honorable mention: Conchita Wurst.

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Kevin Hart – The black Gilbert Gottfried. Stop screaming at me! Fun fact: He wasn’t in Selma or Salma.

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Kate Hudson – BODY. This is the best thing she’s been in since Almost Famous.

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Jeffrey Tambor – And that’s how you give an acceptance speech when winning a superficial award for portraying a disenfranchised character with serious subject matter. cc: Matthew McConaughey

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Patricia Arquette – Finally getting the respect she should have received twenty years ago for True Romance.

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Lily Tomlin & Jane Fonda – Love them both but the plastic surgeon is the only one still working 9 to 5 … and all without a Dolly Parton sighting.

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Adrien Brody – I see Steve Carrel returned his Foxcatcher Kidman Nose™ to its rightful owner.

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Lupita & Colin Farrell – With apologies to Silverlake, Brooklyn and the entire San Francisco Bay area … but this how you successfully pull off nerd glasses and a porn stache.

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Jake Gyllenhaal – Amen.

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Paul Rudd & Adam Levine – Can you guess which one is ten years older than the other? Call People magazine, because we have found the new Sexiest AntMan Alive.

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Catherine Zeta-Jones – She’s back. Healthy, stable and slightly refreshed. She’s Demi Moore but with an elderly boy-toy.

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David Duchovny – He’s 54. The truth is out there and I wan’t to know what it is!

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George Clooney & Amal – I’m waiting for her secret degree from Yale Drama to be uncovered because this has to be an act.

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Owen Wilson – The Owen is the It hairdo for blonde lesbians everywhere.

"Night At The Museum: Secret Of The Tomb" - UK Premiere - Red Carpet Arrivals

Chris Pratt & Anna Faris – They actually do have a mixed marriage; she’s a film starlet turned sitcom star and he’s a television actor turned blockbuster hunk. Divorce imminent.

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Channing Tatum – The AMBER ALERT has been issued.

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Matthew McConaughey – The downside of the McConaissance is that his looks were banished to the Dark Ages.

Julianne Moore – I mean, c’mon! Can we all stop the Aniston Cake nonsense and just give everything to JMo already?

Julianne

Gwyneth Paltrow – Was there a Goop post about revisiting the wardrobe department from View From the Top that I missed?

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Jessica Chastain – Looked amazing and sexy. This is what all the Real Housewives of Orange County/New Jersey/Miami/Van Nuys aspire to be.

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Lana Del ReySummertime Sadness in January. She took a wrong turn off Coldwater Canyon and wound up in the Valley …of the Dolls.

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Frances McDormand – The reason she looked so grumpy was because she left her award winning jean jacket back at home in New York.

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Je suis Charlie.

Fin.

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Things learned watching the 71st Annual Golden Globe Awards:

1. Tina Fey & Amy Poehler: The Sequel was even better than the first.

2. Jacqueline Bisset is the recipient of this year’s Elizabeth Taylor Gladiator Memorial Award.

3. What would really be “brave” is if hetero actors received some sensitivity training before accepting their awards for playing gay characters. Am I mincing, Michael?

4. Orange is the new crack! Bronzer has taken over as the drug of choice for Hollywood’s male stars. (Bradley, Leo, Channing, Liam, Pine, Farrell etc ..) Just say no!

5. With so many emaciated slicked heads running amok, the red carpet hairdos looked more like a wildlife triage center after the Gulf spill.

6. Only nine months until Halloween and Jennifer Lawrence’s coffee filter chic is the new Miley VMAs.

7. ‘Brooklyn Nine Nine’s’ win is so sketchy and controversial that authorities are checking Gov. Christie’s emails for clues.

8. That Brooklyn accented girl in ‘Wolf of Wall St. ‘(Margot Robbie) is Australian? Get the f*ck outta here!

9.Emma Thompson is Absolutely Fabulous, sweetie darling.

10. The craziest thing about Diane Keaton last night, besides everything, is that she looks like skinny Paula Deen.

Not being able to watch the Golden Globes live sucked. Don’t ask.

Anyway, after staying off Twitter and Facebook for what seemed like an eternity, here are some more random thoughts about last night’s show.

As always, feel free to send me your words and comments.

xo

-Johnny Lopez

Sandra Bullock — 50 & fabulous. She’s defying gravity with her flawless face. But that dress should be lost in space. RIP color blocking, please.

Lupita Nyong’o — Perfection. This is how you make your Hollywood entrance. Though every time I hear her first name, I keep thinking my 95-year-old aunt in Hialeah is going to come into the room. Tia?

Julia Roberts — Reporting for work at Deloitte & Touche. This is what Shelby Eatenton Latcherie would look like had she lived! Drink yer juice, gurl!

Jacqueline Bisset — I actually don’t think her speech was that insane considering she was shocked and had probably just finished her fourth gin and tonic. Plus, she wasn’t the only one who thought they’d never give it to an older actress for work on a show on STARZ! I bet Sofia Vergara said crazier shit when her name wasn’t called. Between the win and being name dropped by Lisa Vanderpump on Real Housewives last week, Jackie is definitely having a moment.

Hayden Panettiere — or was it Sharon Stone’s lesbian lover Roxy in Basic Instinct??

Megan Mullally — She’s a little old to be playing Velma from Scooby Doo, don’t you think?

Elizabeth Moss — for the Scientolo-win.

Matt Damon — is BRAVE.

Margot Robbie — Jamie Pressly 2.0, perfected for film.

Gwyneth Paltrow — I wonder what GOOP.com would say about drinking out of plastic water bottles?

Paula Patton — For once that really annoying white mass glued to her side wasn’t Robin Thicke.

Liev Schreiber — Sexy. Zac Efron in 20 years.

Michael Douglas — is BRAVE.

Alex Ebert  from Edward Sharpe & the Magnetic Zeros (the guy who won for Best Score) — He won for ‘All Is Lost’ but was totally representing for LINCOLN.  Congratulations! Partying on a boat with Diddy is the holy grail of hipster doucheism. Somewhere in a high rise in Williamsburg they are erecting his statue.

Bono — Speaking of douche, enough with the Dame Edna glasses already. And now that Guy Oseary is working with U2, how long before we $ee a Bono & Madonna duet?

Diddy — Do not try to hug Bono. EVER.

Taylor Kinney — The weirdest thing about Lady Gaga is that she’s dating a hot frat boy who looks like he should be on ‘Vanderpump Rules.’

Amber Heard — Keeping the Jolie Leg safely in hot bisexual territory.

Rob Lowe — Rockin’ the One Direction hair … for men.  Zac Efron in 15 months.

Jon Voight — It’s not an award show until his white scarf shows up.

Robert Downey Jr — I’ll have whatever drugs he was on in the 90s! He and his career have never looked better.  Hold on, Lindsay. Hold on!

Kyra Sedgwick & Kevin Bacon — Kyra has some ‘splaining to do because daughter Sosie (Miss Golden Globe) looks more like Khloe Kardashian than any other Kardashian!

Robin Wright — House of double stick tape! Love her and her sideboob! Divorcing Sean Penn does wonders for a woman’s career. It’s all about CLAIRE Underwood, people.

Jim Carrey — ‘memba him?

Jared Leto — Now we know he did BRAVE drag for the role, but who is responsible for the man bun?

Colin Farrell — Loving his reaction during Jared’s acceptance speech. Jared makes one movie in 6 years and gets an award … without having to go to rehab or suffer through an unnecessary Total Recall reboot first! It could have been him up there … if only “Mary Poppins” author P.L. Travers’ father had been a transgender person with AIDS.

Emma Thompson — She’s a grown woman. She can do whatever she wants.

Spike Jonze —  it’s all about HIM. so cute.

Laura Dern — in American Hustle 2: Electric Hair-aloo. Fantastic.

Andy Samberg — The secret to having an award-winning comedy series… have a FOX executive write a check to the Hollywood Foreign Press.

Chris Pine — Yes, please.

Emma Watson — Every guy in the world has a chance with Emma, because if she’ll wear pants under a gown on a red carpet, then she can be talked into doing absolutely anything.

Frances McDormand — spotted … at the Plymouth Rock Globes. Nothing beats her denim jacket at the Tonys that year. Nothing.

Emma Stone — Styling by Anne of Green Gables

Mariel Hemingway — Hey girl. How you doing?

Diane Keaton — Coming soon, the Mia Farrow smackdown outside Zabars. At least one riddle was solved tonight: why she usually wears gloves!

Ben Affleck — The success bloat is back.

Bradley Cooper — is BRAVE, er, oops, never mind.

Alfonso Cuaron — Viva Mexico!

Chris Evans — Captain America has hair plugs?

Inside Llewyn Davis — All this time I thought the main star (Oscar Isaac) was David Krumholtz from Numb3rs. For reals. On top of that, Oscar (last name Hernandez) is hot in real life and Cuban. Crazy!

Cate Blanchett — The last vestiges of old Hollywood glamour… minus that kinda snarky Drew Barrymore comment.

Jessica Chastain — She left her hair dye in for zero dark thirty minutes too long.

Matthew McConaughey — He beat out Chiwetel Ejiofor. Really? Well, Matt was also 12 years a slave … to his romcom past.

Johnny Depp — Girlfriend Amber Heard must really love lesbians, how else to explain dressing Johnny like a late 90s Ellen Degeneres?

Sarah Paulson — is the Bette Davis of America?” Whatchu talking about Steve McQueen?

 

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Pia Zadora & Patty Baena

1982 Golden Globe New Star of the Year award winner Pia Zadora, 59, was servin’ some sexy latina blue collar realness in her mug shot on Monday … by looking a lot like Arnold Schwarzenegger‘s lovely former housekeeper and baby mama Patty Baena.

Despite being arrested for domestic battery, Pia has got it maid.

Que belleza.