Things Learned From Watching the 2017 Grammys
- Beyonce can get her mother, sister and daughter screen time, but still doesn’t have the power to get Michelle Williams‘ shift covered at P.F. Changs so she can make a cameo at the Staples Center. Rude! #PoorMichelle
2. By the way Beyonce is flaunting her second pregnancy, it’s obvious we still don’t know who carried her first one. #TheTruthIsOutThere
3. The only person who hasn’t tired of hearing “Hello” is Adele. True story!
4. Keith Urban will be amazing in The Betsy DeVos Story.
5. The highest level in Scientology is OT: Shady ’80s Vegas Lounge Act. Save us, Leah Remini!
6. Immediately following their Bee Gees tribute, Little Big Town performed at your cousin’s wedding in Encino. And they took requests!
7. The imaginary Quentin Tarantino film that Dwight Yoakham & Jason Derulo are living in is going to be amazing.
8. Apologies to Chance the Rapper, but it will always be too soon to bring back Cosby sweaters!
And now a few more silly words on some petty shit. Enjoy!
Beyonce – Narcissistic? Yes. Self-indulgent? Of course. Over the top? Clearly. But c’mon, who doesn’t L-U-V a pop queen on her throne? Now, against your better judgement, yell “slay.”
Adele doesn’t need to dance. Adele doesn’t need backup dancers. Adele doesn’t need elaborate stage shows. Adele doesn’t need to parade her body in a unitard. Adele has a voice. Adele has unparralled talent. Adele can stop and restart her performance on live television and you will love it and cheer and, against your better judgement, yell “slay.” These are not alternative facts!
Lady Gaga & Metallica – The Super Bowl was 7 days ago. The Super Bowl is now a memory. The Super Bowl never happened. Now if, against your better judgement, you yelled “slay,” that’s on you.
Katy Perry – ALWAYS. GETS. IT. WRONG. So Becky may finally be WOKE, but the gurl cannot find a decent outfit if her rights depended on it. She ought to shave her head, as it would be her best lewk yet! On the positive side, at least NO ONE yelled “slay.”
Jennifer Lopez – She’s been
slaying destroying the red carpet since that infamous Versace number, but it’s J.Lo’s stick straight synthetic hair extensions that feel leftover from 2000. It’s time to leave this overdone trend on the floor! Sorry, mija.
Demi Lovato – Serving KARDASHIAN on the carpet & ’70s SARKISIAN (as in CHER-ilyn) on stage. Guess she’s done being cool … for the summer.
Maren Morris – Winner of best country something or other. What I want to know is: Will she accept this rose? #SheLooksLikeSomeoneOnTheBachelor
Tim McGraw & Faith Hill – They are both turning 50 in a few months. Is country don’t crack a thing?
CeeLo – Can someone please Uber Gaga’s 2011 egg and send him home?
Bruno Mars – Definitely enjoyed it, but there was just one thing missing from his Prince tribute — Wendy & Lisa!
Rihanna – You don’t need an award, when you’re the coolest chic in the room. Go ahead and say it. I know you want to. “____!”
Halsey – Alls I see is a mashup of early Pink, JLo’s Versace thirst and TLC “Creep.” Next!
Hilton Jackson -The resemblance is uncanny. She has her father’s … last name.
A Tribe Called Quest – The one thing I won’t #resist … using “President Agent Orange!” Pass the Courvoisier, Busta!
And finally, if you haven’t heard the latest episode of my weekly pop culture podcast SCREAMING INTO TRAFFIC, just click below.
Fresh off her David Bowie SNL sketch at the Grammys, Lady Gaga once again used her on stage theatrics, but this time it was to give tribute to Hatchet Face from John Waters’ 1990 cult hit Cry-Baby. Mum mum mum mah.
Watch the Golden Globe winner do her best walk walk fashion baby at the Marc Jacobs Fall 2016 runway show below.
Orange County? New Jersey? Minneapolis-St.Paul?!
For some unknown reason, basic pop star Katy Perry, 30, and former actress Mischa Barton both showed up to separate events on opposite coasts this week decked out like they were at a cattle call for the latest installment of the popular Bravo franchise Andy Cohen’s Drag Race.
Looking like Kyle Richards at the CMAs, Katy got it all wrong yet again by rockin’ a blown out ’60s First Lady weave, chandelier earrings from Teresa Giudice‘s estate auction and a black low-cut Moschino prom dress for the premiere of Jeremy Scott: The People’s Designer in Hollywood.
Meanwhile, Mischa, 52, came out of retirement to do her best Krystle Carrington impersonation in an ’80s Aqua Net™ bouffant ‘do and a red matronly gown from the Vicki Gunvalson collection – available exclusively at the Brea Mall – for a Toronto Film Festival related event.
This definitely calls for flipping tables, weave pulling and wine fights.
Here’s 65-year-old Caitlyn Jenner, one day after giving that powerful speech at the ESPY Awards, in a chic wrap dress and statement hat at the Del Mar Racetrack Opening Day celebration in San Diego on Thursday – and Julia Roberts as Vivian Ward in the polo match scene from everyone’s favorite 1990 hooker romcom Pretty Woman.
Welcome to Hollywood. What’s your dream?
Who are they to judge?
1. Tina Fey & Amy Poehler: The Sequel was even better than the first.
2. Jacqueline Bisset is the recipient of this year’s Elizabeth Taylor Gladiator Memorial Award.
3. What would really be “brave” is if hetero actors received some sensitivity training before accepting their awards for playing gay characters. Am I mincing, Michael?
4. Orange is the new crack! Bronzer has taken over as the drug of choice for Hollywood’s male stars. (Bradley, Leo, Channing, Liam, Pine, Farrell etc ..) Just say no!
5. With so many emaciated slicked heads running amok, the red carpet hairdos looked more like a wildlife triage center after the Gulf spill.
6. Only nine months until Halloween and Jennifer Lawrence’s coffee filter chic is the new Miley VMAs.
7. ‘Brooklyn Nine Nine’s’ win is so sketchy and controversial that authorities are checking Gov. Christie’s emails for clues.
8. That Brooklyn accented girl in ‘Wolf of Wall St. ‘(Margot Robbie) is Australian? Get the f*ck outta here!
9.Emma Thompson is Absolutely Fabulous, sweetie darling.
10. The craziest thing about Diane Keaton last night, besides everything, is that she looks like skinny Paula Deen.
Not being able to watch the Golden Globes live sucked. Don’t ask.
Anyway, after staying off Twitter and Facebook for what seemed like an eternity, here are some more random thoughts about last night’s show.
As always, feel free to send me your words and comments.
Sandra Bullock — 50 & fabulous. She’s defying gravity with her flawless face. But that dress should be lost in space. RIP color blocking, please.
Lupita Nyong’o — Perfection. This is how you make your Hollywood entrance. Though every time I hear her first name, I keep thinking my 95-year-old aunt in Hialeah is going to come into the room. Tia?
Julia Roberts — Reporting for work at Deloitte & Touche. This is what Shelby Eatenton Latcherie would look like had she lived! Drink yer juice, gurl!
Jacqueline Bisset — I actually don’t think her speech was that insane considering she was shocked and had probably just finished her fourth gin and tonic. Plus, she wasn’t the only one who thought they’d never give it to an older actress for work on a show on STARZ! I bet Sofia Vergara said crazier shit when her name wasn’t called. Between the win and being name dropped by Lisa Vanderpump on Real Housewives last week, Jackie is definitely having a moment.
Hayden Panettiere — or was it Sharon Stone’s lesbian lover Roxy in Basic Instinct??
Megan Mullally — She’s a little old to be playing Velma from Scooby Doo, don’t you think?
Elizabeth Moss — for the Scientolo-win.
Matt Damon — is BRAVE.
Margot Robbie — Jamie Pressly 2.0, perfected for film.
Gwyneth Paltrow — I wonder what GOOP.com would say about drinking out of plastic water bottles?
Paula Patton — For once that really annoying white mass glued to her side wasn’t Robin Thicke.
Liev Schreiber — Sexy. Zac Efron in 20 years.
Michael Douglas — is BRAVE.
Alex Ebert from Edward Sharpe & the Magnetic Zeros (the guy who won for Best Score) — He won for ‘All Is Lost’ but was totally representing for LINCOLN. Congratulations! Partying on a boat with Diddy is the holy grail of hipster doucheism. Somewhere in a high rise in Williamsburg they are erecting his statue.
Bono — Speaking of douche, enough with the Dame Edna glasses already. And now that Guy Oseary is working with U2, how long before we $ee a Bono & Madonna duet?
Diddy — Do not try to hug Bono. EVER.
Taylor Kinney — The weirdest thing about Lady Gaga is that she’s dating a hot frat boy who looks like he should be on ‘Vanderpump Rules.’
Amber Heard — Keeping the Jolie Leg safely in hot bisexual territory.
Rob Lowe — Rockin’ the One Direction hair … for men. Zac Efron in 15 months.
Jon Voight — It’s not an award show until his white scarf shows up.
Robert Downey Jr — I’ll have whatever drugs he was on in the 90s! He and his career have never looked better. Hold on, Lindsay. Hold on!
Kyra Sedgwick & Kevin Bacon — Kyra has some ‘splaining to do because daughter Sosie (Miss Golden Globe) looks more like Khloe Kardashian than any other Kardashian!
Robin Wright — House of double stick tape! Love her and her sideboob! Divorcing Sean Penn does wonders for a woman’s career. It’s all about CLAIRE Underwood, people.
Jim Carrey — ‘memba him?
Jared Leto — Now we know he did BRAVE drag for the role, but who is responsible for the man bun?
Colin Farrell — Loving his reaction during Jared’s acceptance speech. Jared makes one movie in 6 years and gets an award … without having to go to rehab or suffer through an unnecessary Total Recall reboot first! It could have been him up there … if only “Mary Poppins” author P.L. Travers’ father had been a transgender person with AIDS.
Emma Thompson — She’s a grown woman. She can do whatever she wants.
Spike Jonze — it’s all about HIM. so cute.
Laura Dern — in American Hustle 2: Electric Hair-aloo. Fantastic.
Andy Samberg — The secret to having an award-winning comedy series… have a FOX executive write a check to the Hollywood Foreign Press.
Chris Pine — Yes, please.
Emma Watson — Every guy in the world has a chance with Emma, because if she’ll wear pants under a gown on a red carpet, then she can be talked into doing absolutely anything.
Frances McDormand — spotted … at the Plymouth Rock Globes. Nothing beats her denim jacket at the Tonys that year. Nothing.
Emma Stone — Styling by Anne of Green Gables
Mariel Hemingway — Hey girl. How you doing?
Diane Keaton — Coming soon, the Mia Farrow smackdown outside Zabars. At least one riddle was solved tonight: why she usually wears gloves!
Ben Affleck — The success bloat is back.
Bradley Cooper — is BRAVE, er, oops, never mind.
Alfonso Cuaron — Viva Mexico!
Chris Evans — Captain America has hair plugs?
Inside Llewyn Davis — All this time I thought the main star (Oscar Isaac) was David Krumholtz from Numb3rs. For reals. On top of that, Oscar (last name Hernandez) is hot in real life and Cuban. Crazy!
Cate Blanchett — The last vestiges of old Hollywood glamour… minus that kinda snarky Drew Barrymore comment.
Jessica Chastain — She left her hair dye in for zero dark thirty minutes too long.
Matthew McConaughey — He beat out Chiwetel Ejiofor. Really? Well, Matt was also 12 years a slave … to his romcom past.
Johnny Depp — Girlfriend Amber Heard must really love lesbians, how else to explain dressing Johnny like a late 90s Ellen Degeneres?
“Sarah Paulson — is the Bette Davis of America?” Whatchu talking about Steve McQueen?
1. The Emmys are so obsessed with death that Ryan Murphy is giving them their own “American Horror Story” season next year.
2. “Modern Family,” Julia-Louis Dreyfus and Jim Parsons need to take themselves out of Emmy consideration. You should be allowed two wins for the same role and then g-bye!
3. Sarah Paulson from “American Horror Story” was robbed.
4. Anna Faris’ new sitcom will never be as funny as her hair & dress last night. Yikes!
5. The Jon Hamm era is officially over, because it’s all about Bobby Cannavale now.
6. Either Kathy Bates or that woman from “The Weakest Link” will one day win an Emmy for the Showtime biopic “The Elton John Story.”
7. If anyone deserves to win an acting award for “Behind the Candelabra” it should really be the HBO wig department.
8. The name Merritt Wever.
9. It’s a good thing Shemar Moore is pretty.
10. Sorry Ron Burgundy fans, but someone needs to make Will Ferrell stop. Like now.
With a tragic reminder of JFK’s assassination, 5 show-stopping death spotlights, the prerequisite In Memoriam tribute, a “Homeland” writer’s posthumous win, Elton John’s snore song about the late Liberace and a coma-inducing performance by Carrie Underwood, the only way the Emmys could have been any more morbid was if they had featured “Walking Dead” extras as seat fillers. If only!
Neil Patrick Harris — How does he do it? I mean, name another gay man that can dance, tell jokes, play straight when he has to and still look good in a suit? Um, on second thought …
Tina Fey & Amy Poehler — Screw Hillary Clinton, they got my vote.
Merritt Wever — Her 11 word acceptance speech did what “Nurse Jackie” couldn’t … make her famous.
Tony Hale — Julia Louis Dreyfus’ acceptance speech did what “Veep” couldn’t … make him famous.
Jon Hamm — He has the hottest beard … next to Kevin Spacey’s date of course. I kid. I kid. Kevin actually brought his longtime (business) partner, Dana Brunetti. Talk amongst yourselves.
Julia Louis Dreyfus — Kudos for having officially turned “Seinfeld” into just another credit on her resume.
Will Arnett — AMBER Alert!
Melissa Leo — She’s won an Oscar & an Emmy but somehow is still being styled by Jiminy Cricket.
Sofia Vergara — From “Chasing Papi” obscurity to highest paid television actress in just ten years. Eva Longoria say what??
Matt Damon — Catherine Zeta-Jones isn’t the only person not getting an award for f*cking Michael Douglas.
Michael Douglas — With gay innuendo, estranged spouses and incarcerated children, was that an acceptance speech or a Netflix series pitch meeting?
Connie Britton — In keeping with the “Behind the Candelabra” theme, she wore vintage Liberace velvet upholstery.
Mark Burnett — Praise the Lord he won for “The Voice” and not “The Bible.”
Diahann Carroll & Kerry Washington — Two gorgeous ladies serving a little TV history lesson for the children. While Diahann made waves with her groundbreaking sitcom “Julia,” it really is all about Dominique Deveraux and Olivia Pope. And the real scandal … Diahann is 78!!
Bobby Cannavale — Loved him since “Third Watch” but damn he’s really grown into a fine ass man. Besides dating the gorgeous Rose Byrne, another fun fact: He’s half Italian and Cuban… which makes total sense, I mean who wouldn’t want a slice of his platano.
Julianna Margulies & Dylan McDermott — They look great together & would be perfect in a romcom … if only they could play leads in theatrical movies.
Jeff Daniels — He better be careful, Walter White just put a hit out on him.
Claire Danes — She’ll always be Temple Grandin to me.
Heidi Klum — Singlehandedly has made strapless turtleneck gowns the new fetch. Auf Wiedersehen.
Derek Hough — Yes, we could all make jokes for days about the fact that Julianne Hough’s brother has an Emmy and insert celebrity name here does not. But the honest truth is that the choreography segment was the most entertaining portion of the telecast. Break a leg, Mr. Hough.
Anna Faris — The Yellow Peril.
Allison Janney — Looked amazing and not just amazing … for her. Just amazing. She should send Anna Faris a thank you card.
Ellen Burstyn — I liked “Political Animals” but everyone knows this award belonged to Sarah Paulson in “AHS:Asylum.” Don’t f*ck with Lana Winters!
Breaking Bad — The Emmys finally got something right … and I don’t even watch the damn show.