Words | J.LO | The Johnny Lopez

 Things Learned From Watching the 2017 Grammys

  1. Beyonce can get her mother, sister and daughter screen time, but still doesn’t have the power to get Michelle Williams‘ shift covered at P.F. Changs so she can make a cameo at the Staples Center. Rude! #PoorMichelle

2. By the way Beyonce is flaunting her second pregnancy, it’s obvious we still don’t know who carried her first one. #TheTruthIsOutThere

3. The only person who hasn’t tired of hearing “Hello” is Adele. True story!

4. Keith Urban will be amazing in The Betsy DeVos Story.

5. The highest level in Scientology is OT: Shady ’80s Vegas Lounge Act. Save us, Leah Remini!

6. Immediately following their Bee Gees tribute, Little Big Town performed at your cousin’s wedding in Encino. And they took requests!

7. The imaginary Quentin Tarantino film that Dwight Yoakham & Jason Derulo are living in is going to be amazing.

8. Apologies to Chance the Rapper, but it will always be too soon to bring back Cosby sweaters!

And now a few more silly words on some petty shit. Enjoy!

Beyonce – Narcissistic? Yes. Self-indulgent? Of course. Over the top? Clearly. But c’mon, who doesn’t L-U-V a pop queen on her throne? Now, against your better judgement, yell “slay.”

Adele doesn’t need to dance. Adele doesn’t need backup dancers. Adele doesn’t need elaborate stage shows. Adele doesn’t need to parade her body in a unitard. Adele has a voice. Adele has unparralled talent. Adele can stop and restart her performance on live television and you will love it and cheer and, against your better judgement, yell “slay.” These are not alternative facts!

 

Lady Gaga & Metallica – The Super Bowl was 7 days ago. The Super Bowl is now a memory. The Super Bowl never happened. Now if, against your better judgement, you yelled “slay,” that’s on you.

Katy Perry – ALWAYS. GETS. IT. WRONG.  So Becky may finally be WOKE, but the gurl cannot find a decent outfit if her rights depended on it. She ought to shave her head, as it would be her best lewk yet!  On the positive side, at least NO ONE yelled “slay.”

Jennifer Lopez – She’s been slaying destroying the red carpet since that infamous Versace number, but it’s J.Lo’s stick straight synthetic hair extensions that feel leftover from 2000.  It’s time to leave this overdone trend on the floor! Sorry, mija.

Demi Lovato – Serving KARDASHIAN on the carpet & ’70s SARKISIAN (as in CHER-ilyn) on stage. Guess she’s done being cool … for the summer.

Maren Morris – Winner of best country something or other. What I want to know is: Will she accept this rose? #SheLooksLikeSomeoneOnTheBachelor

Tim McGraw & Faith Hill – They are both turning 50 in a few months. Is country don’t crack a thing?

 

CeeLo – Can someone please Uber Gaga’s 2011 egg and send him home?

Bruno Mars –  Definitely enjoyed it, but there was just one thing missing from his Prince tribute — Wendy & Lisa! 

Rihanna – You don’t need an award, when you’re the coolest chic in the room. Go ahead and say it. I know you want to. “____!”

HalseyAlls I see is a mashup of early Pink, JLo’s Versace thirst and TLC “Creep.” Next!

Paris Hilton Jackson -The resemblance is uncanny. She has her father’s … last name.

A Tribe Called Quest – The one thing I won’t #resist … using “President Agent Orange!” Pass the Courvoisier, Busta!

And finally, if you haven’t heard the latest episode of my weekly pop culture podcast SCREAMING INTO TRAFFIC, just click below.

https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/screaming-into-traffic/id1052412883?mt=2

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With the Golden Globes this weekend, Hollywood will most likely play it safe for the show’s annual red carpet on Sunday.

But on Saturday, it seemed the film and TV elite gave their stylists a much needed night off and were left to their own devices to attend the wardrobe & weave malfunction-palooza that was the Art of Elysium gala.

While the event did honor avant garde fashion legend Vivienne Westwood, these B-list stars – and Johnny Depp – just looked downright strange.

Juliette

1. Juliette Lewis – As the Megyn Kelly of Scientology (aka the one you excuse for her affiliation with a batshit crazy org), I fully support whatever role on Once Upon a Time she’s trying to land. #XenuPrincess

Amber

2. Amber Heard & Johnny Depp prove that despite their combined fortunes, box office flops and 23-year age gap, it’s still a very thin line between Hollywood hipster couple and Real Housewives of New Jersey cast. #fuggeddaboutit

Kaley

3. Kaley Cuoco and sister Briana Cuoco – Forget what she’s wearing (no, really!), because  I bet many of us have never really realized just how much visibility the Big Bang Theory star is bringing to non-white actors everywhere. #OITNB

Zendaya

4. Zendaya – Isn’t it better to have your weave smell like patchouli oil and weed than Rite-Aid sale rack?! #WigInABag

Malin

5. Malin Ackerman – With Madonna causing a scene across town at Sean Penn‘s Haiti benefit, Malin stood in for the Material Mom by donning her best “Express Yourself” wig drag. Don’t go for second best baby!

Ed

6. Ed Westwick – I think the Gossip Girl star was drugged, because how else do you explain the Cosby sweater suit & the highlighted tips?! #ChessKing

ChristinaH

7. Christina Hendricks is giving you Mia Farrow at the AVN Porn Awards realness. #FreeSoonYi

Bella

8. Bella Thorne – It’s obvious she drank the Vivienne Westwood purple Kool-Aid. Unfortunately, this teenage Cuban-American Disney princess is about as punk rock as Green Day.

Paz

9. Paz Vega – At some point in the last decade, the Spanglish star (‘memba that?!) transitioned from Penelope Cruz’s twin into Anne Hathaway’s. #AyDiosMio

Milian

10. Raven-Symone has never looked so good! DAYUM! Oh wait, it’s actually Christina Milian. Carry on.

Stay tuned for the Golden Globes recap … perhaps.

American Music Awards
Ten Things Learned Watching the AMAs:

1. By the looks of all the homely gals in Rampage dresses, tickets to the ceremony were strictly available to students within the San Fernando Valley school district.

2. There is actually something more meaningless than an American Music Award, Taylor Swift’s entirely made up Dick Clark Award for Excellence. It too can be yours if you’ll splurge on Diana Ross’ appearance fee.

3. Supermodel Karlie Kloss is being Single White Female’d by Taylor Swift. The tousled bob and crop tops don’t lie.

Karlie

4. Don’t get your fake accent and ponytail twisted, Fergie has been doing the faux-ghetto pop/rap thang way before Iggy Azalea even got her first silicone ass injection. Trust!

5. Fifteen years after Chris Gaines crashed and burned, Garth Brooks has now taken to making rare televised appearances as a black-clad Boss Hogg.

6. One Direction consists of the cute one, the ethnic one, the dainty one, the one that should be in O-town and the one that looks like Chloe Grace Moretz. That’s my best guess, anyway.

One Direction

7. Someone needs to tell Jennifer Lopez that Booty is the new fetch. It ain’t gonna happen, bae. But damn she can move.

8. Britney Spears is still a huge influence on the new class of female pop stars, as evidenced by their lazy, seemingly drug-induced live performances (I’m talking to you Ariana, Iggy, Selena).

9. At 26 and 22 respectively, Jessie J and Sam Smith are waging a semi-private battle with progeria.

1o. The casts of The Walking Dead & Orange Is The New Black will forever be known by their characters’ names.

Jessie_Sam

Pitbull — With apologies to People for the Ethical Treatment of Award hosts, but he needs to be put down. Mr. Worldwide nuisance. And being bilingual, I had no problem understanding his Spanish, unfortunately it was his attempts at English that had me completely baffled. Silencio!

Patrick Dempsey, 48, & Josh Duhamel, 42, – Heirs to the John Stamos fountain of youth.

Patrick_josh

One Direction – I don’t know which one is gay, but I do know that at least two of them are lesbians. With 5 Seconds of Summer and all these other children running amok on stage, One D have instantly garnered some sort of cred for having at least been around since Obama’s first administration.

Ansel Elgort – The Fault In Our Stylists! All men may be created equal but not all can get away with a bolero jacket and printed leggings.

ansel_2

Charlie XCX – Finally answering the age-old question: what if Mila Kunis had recorded an album …and worn orthopedic sandals?! Boom snap!

Rita Ora and Julianne Hough – in Overdressing with the Stars! But in fairness, when your chances of attending a legit award show are nil, what are you going to save that Bebe Haute Couture for?

overdress

Magic – So that’s what Adrien Brody has been up to. Of the crop of new male singers, he’s the only one to have not blown his new-found riches on hair and wardrobe.

Wyclef Jean – ‘Memba him?

Iggy Azalea – real name Amethyst Amelia Kelly – Take away the inner city accent and the butt implants and she’s giving you millennial Portia de Rossi. Her Cold Hearted Snake meets Olivia Newton-John Physical inspired performance of Beg For It was all about her male backup dancers. Call me!

Dancers

Becky G – Lil Salma Hayek.

5 Seconds of Summer – Proving that boy bands no longer require any cute members, but Drybar appointments and shopping sprees at Hot Topic are still mandatory.

5_Secinds

The Walking Dead ladies – For once the heads exploding were not on screen but at home as viewers tried to decipher if Michonne was Lupita (No!) and Maggie was British (Yes!).

Michonne

Imagine Dragons – If they perform a song and it’s not Radioactive, does it still annoy?

Crazy Eyes and Piper – They’re  better off having Laverne Cox do their hair in prison.

Sam Smith – Winner of Best Pop Male Performance in a Dorothy Zbornak duster. If you check his deep pockets, I bet you’ll find tissues and hard candy.

Duster

Dianna Agron & Nathan Fillon – Proving Glee and Castle are still on the air. Who knew? PS, what’s Castle?!

Jhene Aiko and Meghan Trainor – They’re just days away from announcing their partnership portraying Mulan and Elsa in Disney Princesses on Ice.

mulan

Luke Bryan – The country singer also known as …that kinda hot guy in marketing at your office. See you in the staff meeting, boo.

Lorde – real name Ella Marja Lani Yelich- O’Connor – I’m a fan and love all of her spaztastic moves. But the weirdest thing about her is that she’s friends with Taylor Swift. My ‘80s new wave high school self can’t comprehend that fact. It’s like trying to imagine Bjork and Debbie Gibson hanging out in 1989. Ew, Shake It Off!

friends

Ariana Grande – I’m just going to assume that if Lorde danced like she was having a stroke then Ariana must have suffered the speech impediment side effects.

Khloe, Kendall and Kylie – Kardashian triplets, as they all look 30 yet sound 16.

Selena Gomez – She needs to know her audience. If anything, people feel sorry that she dated Justin Bieber not that she broke up with him.

Kardashian

Lil Wayne & Christina Milian – Their performance was audibly censored, not for profanity but as a gesture of good will toward viewers.

Nicki Minaj (performing with Skylar Grey) – Wearing a baptismal gown and a one of the wigs retrieved from my Halloween bin after 11 and a half months of storage.

Nicki

Diana Ross – Legend. Icon. The Boss. So how big a diva do you have to be to get someone to properly tug your wig forward a tad? Upside down you turn your weave!

Diana

Fergie – She suffered a wardrobe malfunction, but at least she didn’t piss her pants. And no, she will never live that down. La la la la la.

Jennifer Lopez – Whether on the red carpet or on stage, she’s always FLAWLESS. Well except, that time she fell performing Louboutins, but whatevs. That Vegas residency is going to be the shizz!

Queen
While I have your attention… my good friend Joshua Rogers has written a funny, romantic and realistic short-film called Pick Up, that chronicles as a young, gay man – who works as a driver for a ride sharing app – reveals his HIV diagnosis to a potential partner for the first time.

To get the film made, a Kickstarter campaign has been launched. I hope you can take a few minutes to check it out, donate if you can and help promote the campaign.

https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/20733870/pick-up-a-short-film

Thanks so much!

Johnny

 

 

Johnny Lopez
Frontiers_article

That time Frontiers Magazine  included me in their list of Most Eligible Bachelors of 2014!

http://www.frontiersmedia.com/Other/PDF/BackIssues/Frontiers_v33i15_SMALL.pdf

VMAs Things learned watching the 31st Annual MTV Video Music Awards:

1. Sway is still fully employed … at least twice a year.

2. Nicki Minaj almost had the worst wardrobe malfunction of the night, second only to fashion fail queen Katy Perry.

3. A Groupon to DryBar does not a pop star make, MTV please stop trying to make Becky G & Fifth Harmony happen. #fetch

4. The VMAs need to always be held in New York (and air live for the West Coast!). Maroon 5 in The Forum parking lot just can’t compare to Katy Perry singing under the Brooklyn Bridge or Taylor Swift performing on a moving subway train.

fifth_harmony

5. Chelsea Handler, Gwen Stefani and Kim Kardashian should star in The Injectables 3.

6. Twerking is dead. This year it’s all about co-opting homeless models.

7. With all these unsupervised childrens running amok on the red carpet, JLO came to school them all into submission …and perhaps find a new lover.

chelsea

8. TRESemme hair products, apparently, go with everything … even extremely awkward and quick Robin Williams tributes.

9. The world is going through some crazy shit right now with Ebola, Ferguson, Gaza, droughts and most horrifying … the upcoming Dumb & Dumber sequel!

10. SHE once again answered the question: Who Runs The World?

Holy Bey

With a generation growing up watching Idol, X-Factor, The Voice, America’s Got Talent, Rising Star, the pop stars of today may know how to lip synch but they’ve forgotten how to PERFORM … as proven by this year’s litany of dud numbers. ‘Memba Madonna rolling around in a wedding dress to Like a Virgin or her incomparable Marie Antoinette Vogue masterpiece or even Britney’s so-bad-its-good Gimme More career implosion? The millennial wannabes of today need to stop taking selfies and get back to workin’ on their show game!

madonna-brit

Ariana Grande – Inglewood, we have a Problem … GapKids should not have an S&M collection! Thank God she can actually sing, otherwise we might have had to put her sleepy dance moves and My Little Pony hair extension out to pasture.

ariana

Nicki Minaj – Three performances in under two hours! Nobody’s worked their butt that hard since Jenna Jameson.

Jessie J – I had no idea The Good Wife could sing like that! Nicki_sides

Snoop Dogg & Gwen Stefani – Look y’all, bonafide pop stars in the house!

Katy ‘Always Gets It Wrong’ Perry – The best thing to come from her emulating Britney & Justin’s infamous denim ensembles from the 2001 American Music Awards was that we weren’t subjected to what she would have worn had she been left to her own devices again. This Is How We Don’t.

Lorde – Darlene Conner, is that you?

Katy_britney

Taylor Swift – Forum renovation or not, this is the first and last time you will see her in Inglewood. Shake It Off, strong enough for the radio but made for a hair commercial.

Jason Derulo & Jordin Sparks – Kim & Kanye’s stand-ins.

Kim_Kanye

Becky G & MTV host Christina Garabaldi – Wouldn’t their time be better spent accepting a rose from a Bachelor or something?

Jim Carrey & Jeff Daniels – Where’s Common ushering a moment of silence when you need him?

jim_carrey

Kim Kardashian – Showing off two big boobs — sisters Kendall & Kylie!

Kendall & Kylie – The first graduates of The Taylor Swift Dance Academy For Annoying Award Show Attendees.

Kardashians

Sam Smith – They call him the male Adele, not just for the amazing voice but because he too suffers from Progeria! He’s only 22! Taylor Lautner is OLDER than him.

Adam_Sam

Crazy Eyes, Laverne Cox & Taylor Schilling – Orange Is The New … Destiny’s Child? Look quick and it’s Kelly Rowland, Beyonce and the white Michelle Williams.

Usher – His next single should just be called Suit & Tie.

Nina Dobrev – I woke up like this! No, really, did you see her hair?

taylor-schilling-435

Austin Mahone – Gwen Stefani’s future lover … or Sam Smith’s.

Chloe Grace Moretz – In another homage to 2001 fashion, she was in Elle Woods drag.

2014 MTV Video Music Awards - Show

5 Seconds Of Summer – Can you say OVER-STYLED? Not even KISS wears that much man product! Since Labor Day is in a week, does that mean they’ll go away then? Makes me nostalgic for the good ole days of One Direction & The Wanted.

5 seconds

Iggy Azalea – Arrival dress by SammyJo Carrington. Hair & makeup by ALS Ice Bucket Challenge. Accent by rapper Eve, Rosie Perez and her own affectation.

Rita Ora – She normally looks like a cross between Gwen Stefani and Rihanna, but during her Black Widow performance she was all about channeling Mini Britney.

mini_britney Rita-Sides

Adam Levine – ‘Wait the hot guy on The Voice is in a band called Maroon 5?’ – said every teen girl in America.

Jennifer Lopez – Tens, tens, tens across the board! No one bought her last record (although it’s actually pretty good) but she’s still the hottest 45 around!

jennifer-lopez-290

Miley Cyrus – I’m all for her championing a good cause, but she should leave the waterworks theatrics for the Ice Bucket challenge.

Miley

Beyonce – After a chorus of amateur opening acts, SHE reminded us there was time when the VMAs were filled with memorable, elaborate and properly executed performances. The Church of Beyonce is calling on you to prey. I hope all the pop toddlers sitting in the audience took out their BLUE books (is there an app for that?)  and LEARNED because you can’t figure out how to be a true STAR on the Internets or on a televised karaoke show! Flawless.

Jay-Z – Hova must have re-signed the contracts and made his penance otherwise he’s gonna see a billion dollars go down in an elevator!

Jay-Z

Solange – No she wasn’t sitting next to Jigga, Blue Ivy and Kelly Rowland in the audience, but that’s only because Bey was the last performer and the cleaning crew had to start immediately.

And now on to Emmy Monday …

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It’s down to the final four, and the contestants are really starting to wig out as they shoot RuPaul’s latest music video. Check out the most outrageous thangs from last night’s final elimination before the finale episode.

Courtney Hack So Logo must be editing out some amazing footage of Courtney, right? I mean, can she really be so delusional that she has no clue whatsoever that she hasn’t been even remotely as fierce as she think she has? Maybe she’s convinced she’s still competing in some Australian drag competition television series, because the gurl is bananas. The simple fact is that she’s a man that can look like a gorgeous woman, but that alone doesn’t make a good drag queen. Where are the flawless performances, sassy one-liners or even this so-called amazing Idol voice of hers? All I see are exquisite legs, expensive wigs and contrived speeches. Plus, she doesn’t get that beneath all of Bianca Del Rio’s bitchy comments lies heart and truth, two things she doesn’t express in the least. Congratulations, Courtney, you have somehow managed to polish all the emotional realness from your act. sissy2

Ru are you? She always gives good tuck, but this week Ru got his panties in a wad to channel his inner Yul Brenner in The King and I as the eye patch-wearing photographer and a ‘70s Electric Company-era Morgan Freeman to play Charles in the “Sissy That Walk” acting challenge. Even after all these years the HBIC can still give you butch queen first time in man drag at the ball.

Adore-able Producers are making their case for the metamorphosis of Adore Delano from the Azusa boy in a Rite-Aid wig to the fully realized confident drag supastar that she is. After winning last week, and with not a single needle and thread required on this episode, she pretty much aced all of this week’s performance challenges. She also simultaneously produced just the right amount of tears—and heart-wrenching speeches—to win over Ru. Further working in her favor, and to the dismay of Courtney and Bianca, the show is known for loving an unpolished queen (Tyra Sanchez, Sharon Needles, Jinkx Monsoon). So unless her Twitter fans fuck it up, it appears in two weeks that her ‘trashy girl aesthetic’ may finally have a good reason to party. Besides, any twentysomething queen that can make a 1984 Phoebe Cates ‘Lace’ reference without skipping a beat is a winner in my book. sissy4

Bianca Del Ay Dios Mio! She’s been too strong for too long. And that’s why they tried to show cracks in Bianca’s pancake foundation by having Darienne Lake and Courtney blabber about her being nervous (s-t-r-e-t-c-h!) and showing her stumble a bit on the treadmill. Is that all they got? Ru said it best when he mentioned that Bianca helped out all the young gurls because they posed no threat to her. Because she’s the champion! While she displayed that she’s not completely comprised solely of bitchy retorts and one-liners by getting vulnerable, dropping her ‘wall’ and sullying up her eyeliner, BDR’s biggest flaw is that she doesn’t need the show to tell her she’s America’s Next Drag Superstar … she already is. tumblr_n54qvtiDwy1qzqtn5o1_2501

Too Little, Too Lake Just when you thought it was safe to dredge Darienne Lake, she goes and gets all touchy-feely and endearing with Ru. Plus you’ve got to give the beyatch props for maneuvering that treadmill like a pro, especially because you know she probably hasn’t been on one too often. DL ramped up the acting and put her back into it, getting so wrapped up in her melodramatic performance she even dared to flash one of her Jolie pork loins while writhing on the floor in hysterics. Throw in her established lip synch skills and she finally proved how talented she could be when not expending so much energy bitching about Dela, Bianca or her age. But in the end this glamazon may have been too big for her britches and had to sissy that walk on out the door.

http://www.frontiersla.com/frontiers-blog/2014/04/22/drag-race-rucap-drag-my-wedding-episode-10

It’s the final six of Season 6, and someone got sick! So, here are the seis most outrageous things from last night’s episode.

6. Orange is the New Whack
Now that the whole she-mail debacle has been rectified, the most offensive thing on RPDR is its treatment of people of color … specifically those of the Oompa Loompa persuasion. From Santino Rice and Michelle Visage to Neil Patrick Harris and husband David Burtka, this week’s judging panel’s overuse of bronzer was so severe that authorities were almost called in to issue an Amber Alert. Tanning makeup kills, and somebody needs to save these chilrins!
5. Sew What?!
Adore Delano can’t stitch, cinch or do anyone else’s makeup if her life depended on it … and on this show, it does. But the gurl’s got personality, can perform and always manages to pull through in the end. Most importantly, she gives great interviews. So with all the fishy queens being taken out one by one, the time has come for Ms. Courtney to get her Act together. We’re 10 episodes in and still waitin’ for her to stop tawkin’ about how fabulous she is and finally brang it, henny.
4. I Don’t!
Was it me or was that entire marriage thing just strange? And I don’t mean because the ‘brides’ and ‘grooms’ were in drag. Maybe my heart is colder than Bianca Del Rio’s, but the whole half-sincere, half-joking vow exchanges were even more bizarre and confusing than a Lindsay Lohan miscarriage revelation. Speaking of … while I’m obviously all for gay-positive heterosexual couples, sometimes these heavy-handed ‘on a very special episode’-type segments (and the accompanying mood music) should just be aborted from the get-go.
3. Male Order Brides
Who doesn’t love a good makeover? While Bianca’s drag bride was the only decent doppleganger (Joy Behar, is that you?), the others provided some unfortunate wigged out looks. Joslyn’s reluctant protégé’s transformation did leave him looking like the female Gremlin … crossed with the blending skills of Season 5’s CoCo Montrese and the demure glamour of To Wong Foo’s Noxzema Jackson. Darienne Lake took out her rivalry on BenDeLaCreme by serving her guy some Michelle Visage realness, while Courtney and Dela successfully made their mother-of-the-brides look exactly alike and indecipherable from each other. And ay yay yay, Adore. Her bridezilla had the makings of a young Big Ang from Mob Wives … and needed to be taken out. Send these drag daughters to their rooms, stat!
 
2. What Does the Fox Say?
Joslyn Fox really is sickening. Sadly, it required a mop, bucket and two production assistants to prove it!  While I did grow to like J.Fo with her sweet demeanor, clueless giggle and out of drag Lori Petty chic, she just never really ramped it up and wowed us (ahem, Courtney Act). While her Vegas showgirl meets Long Island hoochie taste level was surely lacking, something should be said for the fact that she managed to always play nice and never really threw shade. A Drag Race first? But in the end, she lip synched and got out-Foxed by Adore’s stomping ratchet stage persona.
1. Bianca Del Rio
Congratulations, you are America’s Next Drag Superstar. Roll the credits.

http://www.frontiersla.com/frontiers-blog/2014/04/08/drag-race-ru-cap-splits-and-stones-episodes-7-8

With two back-to-back episodes, this week had me questioning if RuPaul’s Drag Race was doing so badly that LOGO decided to burn off a week to save its losses. But then I realized, it’s LOGO, and what do they actually have to air in its place, Mr. Belvedere reruns? Anyway, thankfully we now know the super-sized double dose was because of this week’s non-elimination episode. So shanté you stay for an extra 60 minutes.

The Lake Haus
Speaking of super-sized, Darrienne continued with her tactic of picking a fight with Dela as a means of staying in the game. Herstorically, big gals have had about a size zero chance of winning, but creating faux dramz with the nicest person this season all but assures she makes it closer to the end. While she comes off sounding sad and bitter in all her rants, if she can keep the contrived turmoil up as well as she does her moobs, the bastard love child of Larry Bud Melman and Ursula from The Little Mermaid may just have a chance to represent the curvy girls in the final three.

Category is: Bianca Del Rio rRealness
And the winner is … Leah Remini. Was she a judge or a contestant? Leah may have narrowly escaped from Scientology with her life, but there is still one thing she wasn’t able to properly beat—her face. Someone please let her know makeup that harsh is only appropriate if you have a penis or after being driven home from a pre-Grammy party by Chris Brown.

Glamazons

With their natural White Chicks shtick, Laganja and Adore had this challenge in their giant leather Louis Vuitton bag. While Ganj’s bitchin’ and moanin’ about being overshadowed proved once again why she’s a total designer impostor, Adore’s one-liners, facial expressions and ‘dead dog’ runway realness further reiterated the fact that’s she’s the real deal. Party!

Oh Nomi Didn’t
Poor Courtney Act and Joslyn Fox. Despite being the two fishiest gals, there isn’t enough Glamazon Colorevolution in the world to enhance their mediocre Housewives act. While Court should gets bonus points for the Klaus Nomi (google alert for the kids!) runway ensemble, the four peeps who might have actually gotten the reference sadly don’t watch this show. In the end, it was Dela and Darienne battling it out to the “Point of No Return,” which proved to be a misnomer because no one sashayed away. Darrienne’s delusional hatred of Dela gets to live another day.

The Holy Trinity
It’s amazing how well Trinity K. Bonet did after a few encouraging words from Bianca … and the crafty handy work of the show’s producers. I understand the powers that be need to deliver a story arc, but this feels like the most blatant example of a contestant’s evolution being determined not by their talent but by that of the show’s editors (and the insertion of Ru’s cackling laugh throughout her stand-up). Sorry Ru, but I’m just gonna … say it, if you tell us Trinity has broken out of her shell and taken it to the next level (and we’re not just being shown her two best edits) then we’ll have to take your word for it, but it all sounds a bit like a Ru-se to me.

Comedy is a Challenge
There were two hysterical parts to the Drag Queens of Comedy—Bianca Del Rio’s set and the cast of elderly hobos, street urchins and assorted vagrants picked to be in the audience. As far as the gurls, Courtney was quite successful with her season-long mission to consistently underwhelm, while most shocking was the fact that normally on-point comedy queens Adore and Dela bombed. Joslyn finally stood out from the pack—by being in the bottom two—while Laganja imploded through her relentless Mad Libs use of ‘momma’ and ‘werk’ amid her latest disastrous routine. But thanks to their synchronized gymnastic abilities, this week’s lip synch proved to be a split decision. Unfortch Ganj played the Stupid Girl and broke the cardinal rule of drag and de-wigged herself (although it worked for Trinity, mmm hmmm). Sashay away, Momma!

Game Ovah
Please hand Bianca the crown already. While her mastery of wit and flawless execution of every challenge is sickening, homegirl even upped her glam game in that black and white princess runway getup. While B’s brand of ‘evil nice’ is sometimes mean, always funny and never wrong, her sage and endearing life coach skills with Trinity also prove there’s more than just a black heart underneath all that foundation and exaggerated eyeliner. And while she seems like the sure thing destined to take it all, don’t be fooled chilrins, as it’s still early enough in the season for producers to concoct an entirely new storyline … and winner. Exhibit A: Raven in season 2. Exhibit B: Chad Michaels in season 4. Just sayin’ …

The Snatch Game is usually a highlight of every season of RuPaul’s Drag Race, but this year’s queens left me with nothing but a blank look on my face.

Here we have the seven most ____ things from last night.

Lactose intolerant
Sorry Darienne Lake and Gia Dumb, but snatching this crown is going to take more than just knowing how to beat for the Gawds. And, excuse me, but have they ever seen the show before? The last two winners were Sharon Needles and Jinkx Monsoon, so ragging on Milk for being ‘different’ ain’t exactly a power move. But go ahead and keep just giving face—let’s see how far that gets you. Oops, my condolences G! Ironically, throwing shade at Milk for bringing charisma, uniqueness, nerve and talent by thinking out of her box is what I find really fishy.

Milkin’ It
Last week’s abbreviated runway left me with postpartum depression for not allowing us to fully digest the fierceness of Mother Milk’s Tony Awards maternity couture. It gave me pregnant pause. I will admit her Julia Child impersonation was completely undercooked, and she needs to attempt straightforward glam at least once, but Miss Leche’s ‘male RuPaul meets the Six Flags guy’ drag was the only standout in that pageantry of dullards, which should have been renamed Night of 1000 Boos instead. You betta werk … on those Ru impersonations, gurls.

Smoking too much Laganja
From her completely bananas robotic impersonation of Ashley Tisdale Rachel Zoe, it’s apparent there is one thing Laganja Estranja doesn’t even try to read: pop culture blogs. She needs to stop spending so much time wiping back tears trying to battle wits with Our Lady of the Shade Bianca Del Rio and more time rethinking her Pier 1 Imports “Erykah Badon’t” headpieces. Also, was she supposed to be emulating Ru or Sherry Vine on that catwalk? On a positive note, I will say those death drops are everythang, MOMMA!

Getting Ben Outta Shape
We interrupt our regularly scheduled catty programming to bring you this genuine, heartfelt, tender moment. Did someone just ply us with vodka and fast forward to Untucked? Because having Ben DeLaCreme describe losing his mother at 13 and overcoming getting ridiculed for being an overweight gay kid had everyone’s mascara running … well, except maybe for Darienne Lake. Awkward! With all the other wigged men ripping each other’s weaves to shreds, Ben—and his two wins so far—just may prove that nice guys really do finish last … and become drag superstars.

Scratch that Game
Sorry Dame Maggie Smith, but the verdict is in and it’s Judge Judy for the win. Sadly, there was no equivalent to Jinkx’s spot-on Little Edie or even Roxy Andrews’ hysterical Tamar Braxton DOTCOM from last year’s Snatch Game. While Bianca’s Judy, Ben’s Maggie and Adore Delano’s Anna Nicole had their moments, Milk was spoiled rotten, Nicki Minaj was super basic and Gia’s Kim K was more like Kim Que? As for Joslyn Fox and Courtney Act, are they even in the competition? They’re the Malaysian Airlines of this season. And while I would have paid money to see Gia attempt to make dead Tejano singer Selena even remotely funny, Adore actually did with the line, “What are you gonna say … I got shot by Yolanda?” Now that’s killing it!

Team BiancAdore!
Move over Heathers and Rolaskatox, because there’s a new clique Ru-ing the school … da Haus of BiancAdore! Who knew getting Bianca Del Rio to be nice to someone would be such a cinch?! While there’s no denying B is always on point when she’s serving her cold dish of hard truth, it’s Adore’s shout outs to Dannielynn, Selena’s killer (see above) and ‘hog bodies’ coupled with her Anna Nicole-meets-Sally Kirkland kookapalooza transformation that had me gagging. The fishy queens better watch out for this crazy Latina gang, because they will cut you … with their words.

Gunned Down
Bianca was right again, of course, as Snatch Game separated “the talented from the other ones.” So cue the Lisa Lisa …. Ooh Gia, I think I love you from head to toe. Just kidding. But please take your grating, monotone Paris Hilton drawl and sashay away, bitter squirlfriend. But how is she?

http://www.frontiersla.com/frontiers-blog/2014/03/25/drag-race-ru-cap-the-tightest-snatch-game-in-history-episode-5

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Things learned watching the 86th Annual Academy Awards:

  1. All it takes to host the Oscars is about three jokes, a selfie and ordering a pizza.
  2. Only Ellen can get said pizza delivered on Oscar Sunday in under 90 minutes. Mine took 105. Which is just about how long that pizza skit lasted.
  3. Words are not Tyson Beckford’s forte. #jessicaroberts
  4. Ellen hates Liza Minnelli.
  5. To the complete and utter shock of my 1995 issue of Tiger Beat, Jared Leto, Matthew McConaughey and Brad Pitt are now Oscar winners.
  6. With a wall of roses and a stage full of industrial grade body condoms, the set design was borrowed from The Bachelor.
  7. Pharrell, U2, Pink and Bette Midler cannot hold a candle to the media sensation that is the wickedly talented Adele Dazeem.
  8. The one person more abused and butchered with improperly healed wounds than Patsey in 12 Years a Slave … is Kim Novak.
  9. When I think of Hollywood heroes for a film montage, Kevin Bacon in Footloose is right up there with Superman and Moses.
  10. The Academy was very eager to praise a harrowing and important film dealing with the tough subject matter of the human spirit’s enduring ability to survive and escape from a brutal, soul-crushing, dark and oppressive place … so they gave seven awards to Gravity.

Overall it was an historic evening, as a film helmed by a black director – Steve McQueen for 12 Years a Slave — won best picture and a Hispanic — Alfonso Cuaron for Gravity – won best director at a show hosted by a lesbian and overseen by the academy’s first black president.

Yet the biggest take away from this year’s Oscars is a gigantic flub from a beweaved closeted homosexual that introduced the world to a now famous non-existent pop star.

Hooray for Hollywood.

Here’s the recap!

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Ellen DeGeneres — That pizza wasn’t the only thing she phoned in.

Anne Hathaway — She really knows how to get tongues wagging …  with the epileptic seizures caused by the EDM laser show emitting from the bodice of her dress. Which is one way to wake people from the year long coma induced by watching Les Miserables.

Barkhad Abdi — Shouldn’t an Oscar nomination qualify you for SAG dental?

Jared Leto — Thankfully, he listened to his publicist — and Twitter  — and mentioned AIDS sufferers in his speech. So McConaughey wins an Oscar for losing weight and he gets one for impersonating co-star Jen Garner? Poor Leo.

Jim Carrey — ‘Memba him? Between him and Zellweger, there must be a Me,Myself & Irene curse.

Pharrell Williams – Wearing shorts on the red carpet. Who does he think he is, Demi Moore? And yes ‘Happy’ is catchy and corny, but if he can get Lupita to bust a move then it’s all good. But Christian Bale ain’t budging.

Naomi Watts and Samuel L. Jackson — Or as Sam Rubin from KTLA would say, Kristen Bell and Laurence Fishburne.

Catherine Martin (costume design winner/Baz Luhrmann’s wife) — The ghost of Lady Gaga’s future!  PS, Baz Luhrmann has a wife??!

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Hair & Makeup Oscar winning ladies from Dallas Buyers Club — Or was it the girls from your company’s accounts payable department?!

Harrison Ford — in Indiana Jones and the Earring of Doom.

Kim Novak — It’s great to see her back … from the Island of Dr. Moreau. The irony of having her present best ANIMATED film to FROZEN was lost on no one.

Sally Field — She looked fantastic and proved you can age gracefully — with a human face — in Hollywood. We like her. We really liked her.

Zac Efron — Almost as pretty as Jared Leto … but without the lace front weave.

Karen O — Who knew the L-train went all the way to the Dolby Theater?

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Kate Hudson — Gorgeous.  But she of all people should take heed of the McConaissance, stat! Unfortunately, it will probably take more than a 50 pound weight loss to save her from the depths of romcom hell. How to lose a career in 10 films.

Jason Sudeikis — DAMN! When did he get so hot? Such a dramatic transformation and he isn’t even playing an AIDS patient! So either Olivia Wilde is the true Supreme or she’s about to give birth to Beelzebub.

John Stamos and Lady Gaga at the Oscars — What? Why? How?

Bradley Cooper — He’s still no Gosling, but he was looking pretty damn good last night.

Darlene Love — 20 Feet from Stardom no more. Take your moment, gurl! SANG!

Ethan Hawke — Reality doesn’t bite. Hasn’t looked this good in years. No more junky chic.

Kevin Spacey — He’s nothing without Claire Underwood.

Ewan MacGregor & Viola Davis — Watch your backs, Jared and Lupita.

Brad Pitt — He now officially has it all. Has anyone checked on Jen in the last 24 hours?

Liza Minnelli — The woman breaks her hip when the wind blows, so they transported her across the country to honor her mother … by having her stand up in her seat for four seconds? It’s hard out here for a legend. But she did accost and hug Lupita, so I guess it was worth it.

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Chris Hemsworth & Charlize Theron — Descending from the heavens … and into the Hollywood and Highland shopping mall.

Lupita Nyong’o — The Jennifer Lawrence Era is officially over. America’s new sweetheart has been crowned, headband and all.  She could have worn Bjork’s swan dress or Celine Dion’s reverse tux and still wind up on everyone’s best dressed list. She’s one classy lady and hit all the right notes in her speech, especially when winning a superficial award for devastating and brutal subject matter. Take note, you know who.

Academy President Cheryl Boone Isaacs — Showcasing the new Academy museum as designed by the producers of HER.

Amy Adams — 5-time Oscar nominee, 0 wins. Poor Leo? Poor Amy! She’s got DiCaprio beat by one nom.

Gabourey Sidibe — Flawless.

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Whoopi Goldberg — Wearing Julia Robert’s Golden Globes outfit with Seinfeld’s puffy shirt. Cue the Crystal Waters … she’s homeless. la da di la da da.

Pink — She soared to new heights and all without her usual circus theatrics or silks. Impressive, indeed.

Jennifer Garner — Jared & Matthew get Oscars and she gets “she’s one of the most beautiful actresses ever” intro … I guess that’s a better than Mrs. Ben Affleck or star of 13 Going on 30.

Glenn Close — Serving German Chancellor Angela Merkel realness.

Goldie Hawn — Don’t blame her, blame her doctor … Kim Novak!

Bette Midler — Same age as 68-year-old Goldie but without all the scar tissue. Did you ever know that you’re MY hero?!

John Travolta — Did he have a stroke?  Or does his wig doctor just need to loosen his plugs a notch? As we speak, the Church of Scientology is investigating to see if Leah Remini was fucking with the teleprompter. Back to the auditing session he goes.

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Penelope Cruz — She had her own Adele Dazim moment by presenting the award for Best Adapted …”Scrimpling?” Que?

Angelina Jolie – Just stunning. I could watch her stare at me all night.

Cate Blanchett — With her deserved win for Blue Jasmine, can she now give back the Oscar for her caricature impersonation of Katherine Hepburn in The Aviator? I’m not kidding.

Jennifer Lawrence — Forget tribute, I nominate her as … Hillary Clinton. The backlash starts now.

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Matthew McConaughey —  I thought he stopped reciting cheesy lines when he gave up the romcoms. God. Heroes. Himself. All right, all right, all right, was that an acceptance speech or some weird leaked Scientology video?  Ugh, this undoes all my True Detective love. Just take your shirt off, pretty boy.

Camila Alves — in Princess Leia chic.

Julia Roberts — Frumpy Woman. She should be taking career advice from Meryl, not fashion tips!

Will Smith — The Razzies were the night before so what in After Earth hell is he doing introducing Best Picture?

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