Guardians of the MAC counter is more like it.
Contour for your LIFE!
10 Things Learned Watching the 88th Annual Academy Awards:
1. It’s apparently absolutely acceptable to joke about the same topic for over 210 minutes.
2. Stacey Dash bombed so hard, the US should consider using her for ISIS drone strikes.
3. So even if you have the best of intentions & address a topic no one else had so far that night, and have the nerve to admit you may be inadvertently misquoting someone during your unexpected acceptance speech, The Gays will eat their own and come for blood. You have been warned. The Writings on the Tweet.
4. Steven Spielberg has cast his wife Kate Capshaw in the latest Conjuring/Annabelle sequel. #SheBangs
5. In the wake Antonin Scalia’s death, Whoopi Goldberg has very subtlely thrown her name into the Supreme Court Judge nomination ring.
6. Just because you are nominated for a song Oscar doesn’t mean you can’t OVERACT. FOR. YOUR. LIIIIIIFE!
7. From now on, Charlize Theron shall only be addressed as Charice QUEEN.
8. In the Zero Fucks Given category, Frances McDormand’s Tony-winning denim jacket has been usurped by Mad Max costume design winner Jenny Beavan’s Sons of Anarchy motorcycle chic. I hope she made it safely back to the Shire.
9. Ellen’s 2014 pizza delivery > Chris Rock’s Tagalongs > NPH‘s 2015 briefcase debacle
10. If Leonardo DiCaprio were a woman, we’d be saying he officially has everything … except a spouse. But he isn’t, so we won’t.
This year’s White Oscars are over. Since I’m not about to get into a political argument over Hollywood’s biggest night – that’s what your Facebook feed is for – here are my two cents on some of the show’s biggest highlights.
Chris Rock – On a very special episode of The Oscars …
Emily Blunt – Nothing against her at all, but shame on the Academy for making any mere mortal – let alone a pregnant woman – present next to QUEEN Charlize.
Charlize Theron – According to Chris, she’s “whiter” than Emily Blunt, but don’t forget she’s also the first African woman to win Best Actress. #QUEEN
Sam Smith – Everyone simmer down! He’s not the first openly gay man to win. He misquoted Ian McKellan who was referring to there being no openly gay ACTING winners (Kevin Spacey, Joel Grey, even John Gielgud were not out at the time of their win.) Elton John, Scott Rudin, Dustin Lance Black etc .. are not acting winners. Sam even mentioned he might have the quote wrong in his speech. Regardless, he said something good about the gay community. Can’t we be happy about that? I know we live in the ‘attack & tweet’ era but breathe, chilrins, breathe. He’s on our side, even if he did rob Mother Monster (or, perhaps the 2 non-pop star nominees who didn’t get to sing their songs!). Oh and if you ask me (which you didn’t but imma tell you any way) Dustin Lance Black‘s catty tweet probably says more about him than 23-year-old Smith.
Kerry Washington – From the looks of her gladiator Kevlar®, she’s at war … with her stylist.
Henry Cavill – Swoon. Superman has never looked so dashing. SLAY me, Daddy.
Alicia Vikander – She deserved the Oscar … for Ex-Machina.
Cate Blanchett – ICON. Thank God someone took a risk. Love it or hate it, it’s a LEWK and she pulled it off like no one else could. Also, she’s the new Meryl.
Margot Robbie – Move over Blanche Deveraux, there’s a sexy new Golden Girl in town. Not content with taking over Jaime Pressly’s identity, she now appears to be gunning for Michelle Monaghan’s. Career Suicide Squad.
Jared Leto – So I’m assuming ’70s wedding groomsmen is now an actual thing in Bushwick/Echo Park/all of SanFran.
Rachel McAdams – She really is BACK!
Michael B. Jordan – LAWD HAVE MERCY! Please tell me the B stands for what I hope it does! No? Dammit!
Andy Serkis – Gollum looked precious. And by precious I mean coked out of his mind.
The Chilean winning directors – Gabriel Vargas (left) & Pato Escala (right) won for something or other. But more importantly “pato” means duck in Spanish. It’s also a derogatory term for gay. But I’ll take it. I mean if it looks like a duck and walks like a duck …
The Weeknd – As long as he’s not singing “Can’t Feel My Face” in a Carhartt jacket then it’s all good.
Kate Winslet – Flawless. I HATED Titanic, but I LOVE all of this/them.
Mark Rylance – If he goes missing after snatching Best Supporting Actor, check Stallone’s trunk. That is, if you can even recognize him.
Sly Stallone – I didn’t realize he was married to Caitlyn BFF Candis Cayne.
Louis CK – Host of the 2017 Academy Awards.
Sharmeen Obaid-Chinay – “Good thing I have two of these.” Even without that read, she gave the best speech of the night after noting her best documentary short, A Girl In the River, is changing laws (honor killings!) in Pakistan. FYI, I think that luxe embroidered cloak cost more than a Honda Civic.
Dev Patel – From Slumdog to the Indian Adam Driver. The Hotness Awakens.
Academy President Cheryl Boone-Isaacs – We like you. We really, really like you!
Dave Grohl – Why it gotta be a “Blackbird?”
Jacob Tremblay & Kevin Hart – Adorable!
Sofia Vergara – The best chyron/fun fact of the night: Sofia Vergara co-starred with Oscar winner Reese Witherspoon in Hot Pursuit. #shade Question: If Sofia Vergara doesn’t wear a mermaid dress, is it really Sofia Vergara?
Costume designer Sandy Powell – This is not Tilda Swinton despite all of Kris Jenner & Giuliana‘s hooting & hollering on E! But it could very well be yet another Lady Gaga Bowie tribute.
Lady Gaga – Just sing. Powerful song. Powerful message. Powerful visual. Powerful voice. Just sing.
But it was respectful of her to honor the 25th anniversary of Madonna‘s Sooner or Later performance from the 1991 Oscars. Brava.
Common – #OscarsSoRight
Alejandro Inarritu – Two years in a row. 4 Oscars total. 7 nominations. With Cuaron’s win for Gravity in 2014, that makes it the third straight year a Mexican filmmaker has taken home Best Director. (Mexican cinematographer Emmanuel Lubezki also won 3 times in a row) Yet that’s still not enough to stop the band from drowning out your speech — which just happened to be about race and skin color. Where’s Leo when you really need him?!
Saoirse Ronan – Gorgeous! She was giving Heather Locklear/Sammy Jo Carrington in Dynasty and that is always a win.
Brie Larson – She won an Oscar and hugged every one of Gaga’s abuse survivors. The new Jennifer Lawrence has been crowned. And as an added bonus, she’s almost as pretty as boyfriend Alex Greenwald. How you doin’?
Matt Damon & Luciana Barroso – It must get annoying being constantly referred to as Matt Damon’s wife. But I guess it beats still slinging cocktails at a bar in South Beach.
Leo DiCaprio – It’s about time he finally got the respect he’s deserved. And just like Winslet, he didn’t win for the role he should have. I’d imagine pretending to like Kirk Cameron is a lot harder than wrestling a CGI bear in the wilds of Argentina .
Jake Gyllenhaal – Brokeback. End of Watch. Prisoners. Enemy. Nightcrawler. If you ask me, we’ve already found Leo’s award snub successor … and my future hubs!
Jonathan Herman – Quick shout out to my longtime pal for his nomination for writing Straight Out of Compton. He didn’t technically win (Spotlight took it), but he did. Plus sitting between Tobey Maguire & JJ Abrams ain’t too shabby.
Fresh off her David Bowie SNL sketch at the Grammys, Lady Gaga once again used her on stage theatrics, but this time it was to give tribute to Hatchet Face from John Waters’ 1990 cult hit Cry-Baby. Mum mum mum mah.
Watch the Golden Globe winner do her best walk walk fashion baby at the Marc Jacobs Fall 2016 runway show below.
10 Things Learned Watching the 58th Annual Grammy Awards:
1. Thanks to Taylor Swift & Ciara‘s W Hotel cabana chic, pool cover-ups are the new black.
2. A bizarre terrorist cell made of Victoria Jackson/Jenna Elfman “Dharma” weave caliphates have infiltrated the country music industry. Save yourselves, Nashville!
3. Sorry Little Monsters, but Annie Lennox should have done the David Bowie tribute and saved us from this Elvis meets Bette Midler/C.C. Bloom “Oh Industry” outtake from Beaches.
4. Adele is human, but she’ll set fire to the rain … & anyone who fucks up her musical performance. As far as styling, the mother of the bride gowns really need to stop!
5. Best performance goes to Sam Hunt and
Carrie Underwood his tight white t-shirt. The 31-year-old was head and shoulders (and ARMS!) above the rest. Yaaaaas, Hunty!
6. Wynonna Judd looks amazing. Oops! As penance for “All About the Bass,” Meghan Trainor has entered the Witness Protection Program.
7. The lead singer of Alabama Shakes is also the guy from Digital Underground. #HumptyDance
8. If he loses any more weight, Sam Smith is going to have to change his name to John Doe.
9. The only thing not moved by that Lionel Richie musical tribute was his face.
10. Robin Thicke & Pitbull – The sequel no one asked for: A Night at the Roxbury 2: Electric Shit-aloo.
With so many lethargic numbers – save for Kendrick Lamar’s passionate performance & Lady Gaga‘s cuckoo bird SNL sketch – you wouldn’t have known last night’s Grammy Awards were actually live on the West Coast for the first time.
In between the red carpet and the latest round in the Taylor Swift -Kanye West publicity fight, here are a few other things that made me sit up and take notice. Enjoy!
Ariana Grande – Sofia Vergara for GapKids.
The Weeknd – His Ex-Machina humanoid girlfriend Bella Hadid had more life than his performance.
Rihanna couldn’t make it so she sent her Snuggy-wrapped understudy Andra Day instead.
Ellie Goulding – Did you know Jenner Lips™ are now available for natural blondes too?
Pharrell Williams – Sisqo is alive and well.
Stevie Wonder – Somehow he got roped into hosting The Hunger Games in the Capitol.
Justin Bieber – Despite the douchey face pubes, the douchey animal print Jwoww outerwear, the douchey flexing poses and even his insistence of trying to make those douchey Michael Flatley Riverdance moves a thing, I’d still hit it. I fully realize I am part of the problem.
Lady Gaga – She BEWITCHED us all.
Johnny Depp, Joe Perry & Alice Cooper – Ever since prison, Teresa Giudice and the rest of the Real Housewives of New Jersey are looking rough. On a related note, remember to watch this week’s intense episode of The Walking Dead.
Mark Ronson – This 40-year-old hipster can GET IT. All of it!
Zendaya – No Patchouli oil and weed tonight, because her freshly blown out mullet is giving you former ’80s child star for the gawds! #WeaveAreTheyNow
Tove Lo – More like Tove NO. Septum piercings are perfect for when an exposed tat and a gown aren’t awful enough.
James Bay – Apparently he was attending the Pennsylvania Dutch Grammys.
Florence Welch – Sorry James Bay, but the Amish are so 2015. Everyone knows it’s all about being a Fundamentalist Cult Wife now! Even Lena Dunham is doing it, so it’s gotta be a thing.
Beyonce – Contrary to conservative outcries, she went all white.
Britney Spears – No, she wasn’t anywhere near the Grammys, but ask yourself: Where were you nine years ago today? May she rest.
1. A living diagram of Lil’ Kim’s immaculate features through the years.
2. The Real Housewives of The Island of Dr. Moreau.
3. Stranded migrants from the douchiest VIP room in Ibiza.
4. The jury at the 2017 AVN Awards at the Heidi Fleiss Resort & Casino in Parhump, Nevada.
5. Despicable people.
6. Survivors of a post-apocalyptic nuclear assault at Forever 21.
8. The Zika virus.
9. Marvel superheroes which exist solely in Rihanna music videos.
10. The Kardashians on a Thursday afternoon in February.