This week Screaming Into Traffic Podcast tackles the VMAs, FYF Fest, RuPaul’s Drag Race All Stars, Amy Schumer‘s book, Colton Haynes‘ speech, the Gay Bachelor, clown sightings, Dancing with the “Stars” 101 and a Britney Spears rant for the ages. If you like your pop culture raw, real & ridiculous then you are home!
Here are 15 Things learned from barely watching the 2015 MTV VMAs.
- With snatched weaves, beat faces and tacky dresses, it was all about Miley Cyrus’ drag queen posse.
2. Which hopefully means we are nearing the end of the reign of Kim Kardashian’s drag queen posse.
3. In keeping with the RuPaul theme, Nicki Minaj and Taylor Swift did their best to lip synch for their lives!
4. For some unknown reason, the night’s red carpet was sponsored by Showgirls. How else to explain why so many paid homage to Nomi Malone? #Goddess
5. Eight years after imploding live on the VMA stage, Britney Spears returned looking lucid, animated and able to woodenly read a teleprompter again. Sadly, there weren’t enough meds – or conservators – in the world to remove that God-awful navel piercing. #LeaveBritneysBellyAlone
6. Contractually bound for life, forced to appear in mind-numbing propaganda videos and sworn allegiance to an egomaniacal leader, Taylor Swift’s “Bad Blood” squad is like Scientology repurposed for leggy millennial supermodels & assorted B-list actresses. Tay’s next concert stop is sure to feature a duet with Xenu.
7. The Weeknd has some serious love for the Jacksons. His oversized jacket and unruly weave was giving us straight up “Control”-era Janet, while the pyrotechnics were a 911-call away from igniting him ala Michael‘s doomed Pepsi commercial. I can’t feel my face … because it’s melting!
Kristen Stewart Justin Bieber proved he’s just like every other drunk girl on a Saturday night. He first went to DryBar, then danced & cried. Now all he needs is the morning-after pill.
10. Scary realization #1: It’s a fact, Rebel Wilson is no longer funny.
11. Scary realization #2: At 43, Jared Leto could potentially be the biological father of most of the night’s performers and nominees. Breed me, Jordan Catalano!
12. Scary realization #3: With so many of these new pop babies & YouTube toddlers running amok on stage, I’m actually relieved when I see a Kardashian, if for no other reason than that they’re recognizable.
13. He looked like he was dressed for The Reaping, so screw the presidency, I nominate Kanye West as Tribute. #BipartisanSupport
They are 45-year-old divorced mothers of twins, New York native pop divas with a penchant for honey blonde horse weaves, who have sat behind the judge’s table on American Idol and starred in two of the worst movies of the last fifteen years to begin with the letter G, so Mariah Carey and Jennifer Lopez have a lot more in common besides utter disdain for the other.
Looking like the repurposed cover of her 1998 greatest hits album, My Little Pony and Tamar Braxton going as Ariana Grande for Halloween, a version of Mimi was meticulously cropped onto the front of her brand new record #1 to Infinity striking a cleavage-baring, leggy pose similar to the one J.Lo flawlessly executed – in the actual flesh – at the MTV Movie Awards on Sunday.
These photos prove both are unreal.
1. Sway is still fully employed … at least twice a year.
2. Nicki Minaj almost had the worst wardrobe malfunction of the night, second only to fashion fail queen Katy Perry.
3. A Groupon to DryBar does not a pop star make, MTV please stop trying to make Becky G & Fifth Harmony happen. #fetch
4. The VMAs need to always be held in New York (and air live for the West Coast!). Maroon 5 in The Forum parking lot just can’t compare to Katy Perry singing under the Brooklyn Bridge or Taylor Swift performing on a moving subway train.
5. Chelsea Handler, Gwen Stefani and Kim Kardashian should star in The Injectables 3.
6. Twerking is dead. This year it’s all about co-opting homeless models.
7. With all these unsupervised childrens running amok on the red carpet, JLO came to school them all into submission …and perhaps find a new lover.
8. TRESemme hair products, apparently, go with everything … even extremely awkward and quick Robin Williams tributes.
9. The world is going through some crazy shit right now with Ebola, Ferguson, Gaza, droughts and most horrifying … the upcoming Dumb & Dumber sequel!
10. SHE once again answered the question: Who Runs The World?
With a generation growing up watching Idol, X-Factor, The Voice, America’s Got Talent,
Rising Star, the pop stars of today may know how to lip synch but they’ve forgotten how to PERFORM … as proven by this year’s litany of dud numbers. ‘Memba Madonna rolling around in a wedding dress to Like a Virgin or her incomparable Marie Antoinette Vogue masterpiece or even Britney’s so-bad-its-good Gimme More career implosion? The millennial wannabes of today need to stop taking selfies and get back to workin’ on their show game!
Ariana Grande – Inglewood, we have a Problem … GapKids should not have an S&M collection! Thank God she can actually sing, otherwise we might have had to put her sleepy dance moves and My Little Pony hair extension out to pasture.
Nicki Minaj – Three performances in under two hours! Nobody’s worked their butt that hard since Jenna Jameson.
Snoop Dogg & Gwen Stefani – Look y’all, bonafide pop stars in the house!
Katy ‘Always Gets It Wrong’ Perry – The best thing to come from her emulating Britney & Justin’s infamous denim ensembles from the 2001 American Music Awards was that we weren’t subjected to what she would have worn had she been left to her own devices again. This Is How We Don’t.
Lorde – Darlene Conner, is that you?
Taylor Swift – Forum renovation or not, this is the first and last time you will see her in Inglewood. Shake It Off, strong enough for the radio but made for a hair commercial.
Jason Derulo & Jordin Sparks – Kim & Kanye’s stand-ins.
Becky G & MTV host Christina Garabaldi – Wouldn’t their time be better spent accepting a rose from a Bachelor or something?
Jim Carrey & Jeff Daniels – Where’s Common ushering a moment of silence when you need him?
Kim Kardashian – Showing off two big boobs — sisters Kendall & Kylie!
Kendall & Kylie – The first graduates of The Taylor Swift Dance Academy For Annoying Award Show Attendees.
Sam Smith – They call him the male Adele, not just for the amazing voice but because he too suffers from Progeria! He’s only 22! Taylor Lautner is OLDER than him.
Crazy Eyes, Laverne Cox & Taylor Schilling – Orange Is The New … Destiny’s Child? Look quick and it’s Kelly Rowland, Beyonce and the white Michelle Williams.
Usher – His next single should just be called Suit & Tie.
Nina Dobrev – I woke up like this! No, really, did you see her hair?
Austin Mahone – Gwen Stefani’s future lover … or Sam Smith’s.
Chloe Grace Moretz – In another homage to 2001 fashion, she was in Elle Woods drag.
5 Seconds Of Summer – Can you say OVER-STYLED? Not even KISS wears that much man product! Since Labor Day is in a week, does that mean they’ll go away then? Makes me nostalgic for the good ole days of One Direction & The Wanted.
Iggy Azalea – Arrival dress by SammyJo Carrington. Hair & makeup by ALS Ice Bucket Challenge. Accent by rapper Eve, Rosie Perez and her own affectation.
Rita Ora – She normally looks like a cross between Gwen Stefani and Rihanna, but during her Black Widow performance she was all about channeling Mini Britney.
Adam Levine – ‘Wait the hot guy on The Voice is in a band called Maroon 5?’ – said every teen girl in America.
Jennifer Lopez – Tens, tens, tens across the board! No one bought her last record (although it’s actually pretty good) but she’s still the hottest 45 around!
Miley Cyrus – I’m all for her championing a good cause, but she should leave the waterworks theatrics for the Ice Bucket challenge.
Beyonce – After a chorus of amateur opening acts, SHE reminded us there was time when the VMAs were filled with memorable, elaborate and properly executed performances. The Church of Beyonce is calling on you to prey. I hope all the pop toddlers sitting in the audience took out their BLUE books (is there an app for that?) and LEARNED because you can’t figure out how to be a true STAR on the Internets or on a televised karaoke show! Flawless.
Jay-Z – Hova must have re-signed the contracts and made his penance otherwise he’s gonna see a billion dollars go down in an elevator!
Solange – No she wasn’t sitting next to Jigga, Blue Ivy and Kelly Rowland in the audience, but that’s only because Bey was the last performer and the cleaning crew had to start immediately.
And now on to Emmy Monday …
To commemorate today being the sixth anniversary of The Great Britney Spears Live Stage Implosion & Bikini Meltdown of 2007, the 31-year-old conservatorship wonder showed off her fabulously reassembled divorced mother of two bits in a sexy toxic blue two-piece swimsuit on the set of her new video “Work Bitch” on Sunday.
After Brit Brit’s antics at the 2007 VMAs, no one thought she’d ever get her career, body or mind back. Well, two out of three ain’t bad.
How are you celebrating today’s holiday?
1. Lady Gaga has stopped copying Madonna and moved on to co-opting herself, The Flying Nun, SNL, Grey Gardens & Barbarella. Now if only she’d forget all the wigs & theatrics and take her own advice … Just Dance!
2. The MTV Pre-show only featured artists born after the 2nd Clinton Administration. Don’t ask, don’t tell.
3. Miley Cyrus’ performance was brought to you by Beacher’s Madhouse, Amanda Bynes … and every trailer park east of San Bernardino. RIP Twerking.
4. Kanye West is now taking music advice from Kim K … because I haven’t heard anything that badly auto-tuned since her song “Jam (Turn It Up).”
5. Serena Williams’ Radio Shack commercial beats Annabelle in “The Conjuring” for scariest character this summer. Yikes!
6. Thank God for Justin Timberlake.
7. Chris Kirkpatrick is alive.
8. Unless she’s trying to look like a middle-aged data entry clerk at Time Warner Cable, Emeli Sande needs a stylist stat! She’s only 26, people.
9. T-Boz is trying to look like a middle-aged data entry clerk at Time Warner Cable … in Detroit. She (and Chilli) need a stylist stat! They’re not 26, people.
10. When you look up the word ‘wrong’ in the dictionary, Katy Perry’s picture comes up. And you’re gonna hear me SNORE!
With no Britney implosion, Madonna kiss or Kanye ramble, this year’s VMAs will be remembered as the night Miley Cyrus bludgeoned, sodomized and left Hannah Montana for dead in order to writhe her saggy ass in a flesh-colored bikini with teddy bears and married men. Party in the USA!
Lady Gaga — With apologies to “Roar” and no matter what Billboard says, “Applause” really is a bigger hit in da clubs. Props should also be given for performing after undergoing major hip surgery just a few months ago. And lastly, you gotta love a gal who puts on more weaves in three minutes than an entire season of RuPaul’s Drag Race. Now if only she’d stop all that highfalutin nonsense about art and culture and just focus on making great pop songs maybe some of the haters would ease up. Finally, someone please tell Gags to give up on all that bizarro insane asylum imagery and videos, it’s already been done … by her!
Austin Mahone — His ushering in the return of the horrendous 90s boy band fashion is the true sign of NSYNC’s resurgence. All these WannaBiebers need to understand that all the leather getups and beanies in the world won’t make their high fructose corn syrupy songs and shaved pits tough. PS his last name sounds like the Spanish word for turd. De verdad!
Ariana Grande — Wait, so all this time that song “The Way” wasn’t by Mariah?? Who knew?! Every time I hear her name I think I’m in line at Starbucks … or Taco Bell.
One Direction — Their name refers to which way they swing. Your guess is as good as mine. And when did Harry Styles morph into young Kevin Bacon? #zerodegrees
Selena Gomez — She won for “Come and Get It,” but from the looks of her revealing Versace gown someone already came and got it. Styling by Janet Jackson.
Taylor Swift — Next year MTV is re-naming the show, “Award Reacts with Taylor Swift” … immediately following the premiere of Teen Moms: Miami.
Shailene Woodley — “The Spectacular Now” & “Divergent” … you betta watch out, Jennifer Lawrence.
Miley Cyrus — Good golly, Miss Molly! Congrats! She has finally found a way to break Billy Ray’s achy breaky heart. But does it really matter what anyone thinks, when you’re trending on Twitter? Winner of this year’s Britney Spears Live Stage Implosion Award. “We Can’t Stop” is the new “Gimme More.”
Robin Thicke — Go directly to Paula Patton. Do not pass Go.
Iggy Azalea — The love child of January Jones and Christina Aguilera.
Lil’ Kim — It’s amazing what the peeps at Madame Tussauds can do these days. Put ya lighters up, in memoriam of Kim’s original face!
Macklemore & Ryan Lewis — Great speech which nullified any of A$AP Rocky’s awkward exchange with “homosexual” NBA player Jason Collins.
Kevin Hart — No.
Jared Leto — or was it a makeup-free Courteney Cox? I didn’t realize ombre hair extensions came in Mens.
Kanye West — I’m so over keepin’ up with this Kardashian.
Daft Punk — Will the two guys they hired off Craigslist to wear the helmets and go to the show while they stayed home and counted their money please stand up?
Ed Sheering — Imagine a world where female pop stars with his level of physical attractiveness were allowed to exist. Can’t do it, can you?
Justin Timberlake — Fantastic but lonnnnnnnnnng.
NSYNC — Rockin’ the black and white Pilgrim chic. That ‘reunion’ was also JT’s way of saying we will never do a Backstreet Boys/NKOTB/98 Degrees Mortgage Tour. Bye, bye, bye.
Danity Kane — If you announce a reunion and nobody covers it, does it still make a noise? Apparently not. Damaged, indeed.
Jennifer Hudson — No question she has an amazing voice and looks fantastic. But, unfortunately, I didn’t have same love for that crop top. And I can’t change … but she could have.
Rihanna — I’m convinced she only went to make Drake and former BFF Katy Perry uncomfortable, because she looked even more bored sitting at the Barclays Center as we all did at home.
Drake — So does a Canadian TV series really qualify as starting from the bottom?
Jaden Smith — Move over Xenu, he’s under a Drake spell now.
Katy Perry — Serving some Joanie “Chyna Doll” Lurer realness … in her performance AND the red carpet. Ripping off Sara Bareilles, jumping rope like Madge, performing exactly where Xtina did 11 years ago … wait which one is Lady Gaga? At least her performance featured that hot bearded hipster muscled dancer. Dayum!
… All sleep till Brooklyn.
Things learned watching the 2011 VMAs:
1. It’s amazing how much of Lady Gaga’s creativity, effort and nonsense it takes to bore me.
2. I love Jessie J’s performances – all 37 one-second of them!
3. Britney and Amy Winehouse both get tributes. You do the math.
4. Thanks to her post-rehab look, I can now tell the difference between Demi Lovato and Selena Gomez. I think.
5. Chris Brown should join the circus. No, really.
6. With everyone and their protégé trying so damn hard these days, Britney’s complete lack of innovation, effort or hair care is downright refreshing y’all.
7. The VMAs have become about as edgy as the Kids Choice Awards. Someone slime Jo Calderone!
Here are some words about last night’s VMAs. I’d love to hear yours.
10 Things learned watching the 2010 MTV VMAs
1. Kanye and Taylor Swift really need to get over it, because we did …12 months ago!
2. There was no red carpet last night, other than the area rug directly underneath Lady Gaga’s beef carpaccio panty liners.
3. Travie McCoy, Jason Derulo and B.o.B are not the same person.
4. I just don’t get the allure of gender illusionist Justin Bieber.
5. Jared Leto’s music career is officially more successful than his acting one.
6. I am living for Florence and the Machine. LIVING!
7. Nicki Minaj is Lady Gaga … with a sense of humor and a booty! Child!
8. Gaga really has to stop with the ‘little monsters’nonsense. No, seriously.
9. There were more redheads running amok at the Nokia Theater last night than in that entire MIA video. Ginger Power!
10. The construction crew at the Nokia should get an award for safely assembling and removing all the scaffolding … from around Cher’s face.
Things learned by watching the 2009 VMAs
1. The VMAs should always be in NYC. The Paramount Lot can’t compete with the New York Metropolitan Transit Authority.
2. In case of emergency, Madonna’s cheeks may be used as a flotation device.
3. Pink and Shakira need to have a serious talk with the House of Balmain. Where’s Rachel Zoe when you need her?
4. Camel toe is the new black. See Beyonce, GaGa, Amber Rose, Katy Perry, Pink.
5. If you didn’t know who Taylor Swift was before, now ya do! No sex tape or flashing her Britney necessary.
6. Despite my better judgment and the fact that “Twilight” was total BASURA, I still kinda wanna see “New Moon.” Damn you, Jacob!
7. As proved by her bloody performance, Lady GaGa is not a man … PERIOD.
Minus Russell Brand, it was the best VMAs in a long time — and all it took was the death of an icon and the public humiliation of a teenager to make it happen. If you didn’t catch the show, watch it the same place you view music videos … on Youtubes.
As always, feel free to send me your comments and feedback at firstname.lastname@example.org. Enjoy!