This week SCREAMING INTO TRAFFIC is all about Executive Disorders, Beyonce‘s twins, Winona Ryder‘s face melt, Mischa Barton‘s “return” and a dissection of The Bachelor. So stop fighting on FB with your third cousin once removed & listen to this rant!
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by Johnny Lopez
TMZ has me beaucoup busy these days so I haven’t done a recap in a while. In case the Oscars don’t happen I figured I’d rattle off one before the season is over.
I hope everyone is doing well and gets a kick out of my latest diatribe. For those who may not be familiar with my rants, these are meant to be fun, sarcastic, and bitchy – like when you watch an award show with your friends. (Or at least that’s how it is when my friends & I watch them). So don’t take ’em too seriously – they’re just words!
As always, positive feedback is appreciated. If you want to be added to the list, just drop me an email at: email@example.com.
You know you love me.
Brad & Angelina – Please don’t stare at the only A-listers in the house! Where have all the movie stars gone?? Angie in one of J.Lo’s maternity-denial caftans and Brad with his Jolie-brown locks. The King and Queen of the prom have arrived.
Doug Savant – the real desperate housewife isn’t on his show, but was sitting next to him — Laura Leighton aka “Sydney” from Melrose Place. Give the gal a walk-on role!
Ellen Burstyn – Nominated for her work in “Muumuus, Caftans and Dusters: The Helen Roper Story.”
Sandra Oh – The perfect prom dress for the illegitimate love child of Molly Ringwald and Marilyn Manson. She should have been more specific when telling her stylist she wanted a dress that would have people talking for days.
Rebecca Romijn – She plays the hottest tranny on TV — next to Glenn Close!
Jane Krakowski – It’s hard to look good in a puke green dress and candy corn necklace. I expect more from a woman who lives in NYC!
Kyle MacLachlan – Tell me again, who thinks he’s hot?
Nikki Blonsky – The breakout “Hairspray” star can’t wait to find out what her next roll will be.
John Travolta – I see he’s still sporting his “Hairspray” weaves. Where was his bearded lady, Kelly Preston? Perhaps, at home in the Scientoloattic with their non-autistic son Jett?! Save Jett!
Debra Messing presenting w/ Zac Efron: Gorgeous. Loved the hair, makeup and getup. And Debra looked good too! Sadly, Zac has a bigger rack.
Holly Hunter – Her boyfriend/baby-daddy is H-O-T!
Laura San Giacomo – She was in the “Saving Grace” clip – the real UGLY BETTY! Yikes! Just shoot her!
Edie Falco – Looking like she just landed from JFK. Would it kill her to put on a little lipstick?
Lorraine Bracco – Wearing Grimace’s dead carcass.
America Ferrara – Looks amazing, but she can stop losing weight now. We get it—you are pretty in real life.
Vanessa Williams – Love her! The coolest bitch in town. Britney, Paris and Lindsay should take lessons from Miss America 1984 on how to properly flash your ugly betty.
Hal Holbrook – A great actor. That being said, he looks like a cross between a “South Park” character and Bea Arthur.
Marion Cotillard – Gorge! The French Angelina. I just hope she doesn’t get suckered into a doing a romantic “comedy” with McConaughey next.
Javier Bardem – He’s definitely winning the Oscar. The Academy loves it when gorgeous peeps go ugly. Just look at Halle Berry, Nicole Kidman, Charlize,
Jeremy Piven – Love his new weave. How much it cost?!
Ellen Page – She’s Jodie Foster 2.0 and rockin’ a kosher Posh bob – honest to blog. L’chaim!
Chandra Wilson – Somebody please tell Ms. Wilson that “Dreamgirls” has already been cast, filmed, released and was awarded last year. Please return the outfit and hair to wardrobe ASAP!
Rebecca Gayheart – Maybe you shouldn’t be boasting about all your “car issues” on the red carpet. I’m just sayin’…
Ellen Pompeo – It must suck to have your show stolen by Katherine Heigl … and Kate Walsh!
Katrina Bowden – (Teri Hatcher’s daughter on “Housewives”) – When did she turn 37?
Lisa Rinna – Someone put this cougar down. She looks like the patron saint of middle-aged divorced Long Island housewives. Mary Jo Buttafuoco on line 2!
James Mardsen – For the love of Dylan McKay! Now that he’s finally broken out into leading man territory – he decides to rock some 1991 “90210” sideburns?!
Ruby Dee – Looking fab in her Frogger shades and pink champagne wig.
Michael C. Hall – The gayest (and best) he’s looked since he stopped playing a gay on “Six Feet Under.”
The cast of “The Office” – And I thought they only dressed badly for the TV show.
Alan Rosenberg – SAG Pres. and Marg Helgenberger’s husband – Was he supposed to be added to the In Memoriam segment? Someone check his pulse! Does he get a wrinkle for everyone that Marg gets zapped?!
Charles Durning – The writer’s strike really needs to end, as it seems Durning’s wheelchair bound wife has already lost her dental benefits.
Burt Reynolds – He was once a sex symbol. There before the grace of God goes Brad Pitt!
Kevin Kline – He couldn’t come to pick up his award, because he was too busy making sure Phoebe Cates was still locked up in their Upper Westchester basement.
Mickey Rooney – There was panic backstage when production staffers realized Mickey got loose. Who is in charge of Mickey??
Queen Latifah – She couldn’t make it to the ceremony. She’s still mortified about hosting that People’s Choice debacle – which btw was probably 100 times funnier than “Mad Money”!
Josh Brolin – Hot in a quasi-Simian sorta way.
Diane Lane – The box office returns for her latest film are “Untraceable.”
Viggo Mortensen – In his three-piece suit by Jiminy Cricket.
Tommy Lee Jones – Nominated for a SAG for playing a police officer in
The Fugitive, Natural Born Killers, Men in Black, US Marshalls, Double Jeopardy, The Hunted, In the Valley of Elah, No Country for Old Men.
Tilda Swinton – She was never a looker – but it takes a lot of work to look this freakish. Who would have thunk that she looked the most normal in “Narnia.”
Matthew McConaughey & Kate Hudson – If you are even considering seeing “Fools Good”—just re-rent “How to Lose a Guy” and save yourselves the two hours, $12 and brain cells. At least he shaved off some of his cotton-candy locks.
Julie Christie – A real actress. The bitch only makes a few movies here and there and usually gives amazing performances. Makes you wonder how many mortgages her peers like Dustin Hoffman and Diane Keaton have that forces them to continually make craptacular studio pics like “Mr. Magorium” & “Because I Said So.” Just stop.
The homosapien formerly known as Tom Cruise – He skipped the red carpet and teleported right into the Shrine. I was waiting for him to put on his medal of valor, dementedly laugh, and salute “LRH.” Just how crazy is he? OT Level VII crazy! Save Suri!
Daniel Day Lewis – Please stop talking about Heath. It is a tragedy, but you didn’t even know him.
Because the SAG Awards were so utterly uneventful and since my day job has been insanely busy, I am forgoing my usual recap format. Instead of my standard laundry list of thoughts, I am going to just give you my biggest gripe of the entire night. And no, it was not Ellen Pompeo’s Mrs. Roper Goes to Spanish Harlem outfit.
My friends, the worst ENSEMBLE by far was “Little Miss Sunshine” winning for Best Ensemble Cast! To quote SNL Weekend Update: REALLY?!?!
I know America and the Guild love a feel good Cinderella story, but can’t we let Macy Gray, er, I mean Jennifer Hudson fulfill that quota? Don’t even get me started on the Oscars, because I can’t believe it’s nominated for Best Picture over more deserving films like “Children of Men”, “United 93”, “The Good Shepherd” (which I thought was just ok) or even, bite my tongue, “Dreamgirls.”
As far as ensemble casts go, you mean to tell me Greg Kinnear, Toni Collette, Steve Carell, Alan Arkin, Abigail Breslin, and the guy who played the son were, as a whole, better than the cast of “The Departed?” REALLY?!
Better than: Leonardo DiCaprio, Matt Damon, Jack Nicholson, Mark Wahlberg, Martin Sheen, Alec Baldwin, Anthony Anderson and Vera Farmiga. REALLY?!
If you are still professing your love for “the little movie that could” then please explain to me how in the hell you seriously bought:
1. Steve Carell’s character bumping into his ex at the rest stop on the highway. REALLY?! This isn’t an episode of “Friends” people!
2. That this family didn’t know what went on at kiddie beauty pageants. REALLY?! Did the local news in their part of Albuquerque not cover the whole Jon Benet Ramsey case? Even my relatives in Cuba know what goes on and they only have electricity on alternate Tuesdays!
3. That Toni Collette’s character would go to all this trouble to get her daughter to a beauty pageant, yet has no clue what her daughter’s routine is until she’s on stage? REALLY?!
4. That Steve Carell’s character would dash his nephew’s Air Force Academy dreams on the spot by telling him they don’t let in guys who are color blind. REALLY?! You mean you wouldn’t google the Academy rules first to be sure or at least wait until you get home.REALLY?! And since when are rebellious goth teens clamoring to get into the Armed Forces? Do they not make Dungeons & Dragons anymore?
5. The family driving around with Alan Arkin’s dead body in the van. REALLY?! Actually, I thought this was funny too…in “National Lampoon’s Vacation”!
Now, I can enjoy slapstick comedy as much as the next fool, but please don’t try to pass it off as a real or believable story. Cause it ain’t!
And finally, if the Academy really wants to honor a young, up-and-coming talent, then, with my apologies to Miss Breslin, look no further than “Half Nelson’s” Shareeka Epps. She, my friends, is truly a SUPERFREAKin’ great actress!
Well, enough talk about this drivel of a movie. On to the Grammys on February 11th. I hear Beyonce has already commissioned Barbaro’s remains for her weave.