10 Things Learned Watching the 88th Annual Academy Awards:
1. It’s apparently absolutely acceptable to joke about the same topic for over 210 minutes.
2. Stacey Dash bombed so hard, the US should consider using her for ISIS drone strikes.
3. So even if you have the best of intentions & address a topic no one else had so far that night, and have the nerve to admit you may be inadvertently misquoting someone during your unexpected acceptance speech, The Gays will eat their own and come for blood. You have been warned. The Writings on the Tweet.
4. Steven Spielberg has cast his wife Kate Capshaw in the latest Conjuring/Annabelle sequel. #SheBangs
5. In the wake Antonin Scalia’s death, Whoopi Goldberg has very subtlely thrown her name into the Supreme Court Judge nomination ring.
6. Just because you are nominated for a song Oscar doesn’t mean you can’t OVERACT. FOR. YOUR. LIIIIIIFE!
7. From now on, Charlize Theron shall only be addressed as Charice QUEEN.
8. In the Zero Fucks Given category, Frances McDormand’s Tony-winning denim jacket has been usurped by Mad Max costume design winner Jenny Beavan’s Sons of Anarchy motorcycle chic. I hope she made it safely back to the Shire.
9. Ellen’s 2014 pizza delivery > Chris Rock’s Tagalongs > NPH‘s 2015 briefcase debacle
10. If Leonardo DiCaprio were a woman, we’d be saying he officially has everything … except a spouse. But he isn’t, so we won’t.
This year’s White Oscars are over. Since I’m not about to get into a political argument over Hollywood’s biggest night – that’s what your Facebook feed is for – here are my two cents on some of the show’s biggest highlights.
Chris Rock – On a very special episode of The Oscars …
Emily Blunt – Nothing against her at all, but shame on the Academy for making any mere mortal – let alone a pregnant woman – present next to QUEEN Charlize.
Charlize Theron – According to Chris, she’s “whiter” than Emily Blunt, but don’t forget she’s also the first African woman to win Best Actress. #QUEEN
Sam Smith – Everyone simmer down! He’s not the first openly gay man to win. He misquoted Ian McKellan who was referring to there being no openly gay ACTING winners (Kevin Spacey, Joel Grey, even John Gielgud were not out at the time of their win.) Elton John, Scott Rudin, Dustin Lance Black etc .. are not acting winners. Sam even mentioned he might have the quote wrong in his speech. Regardless, he said something good about the gay community. Can’t we be happy about that? I know we live in the ‘attack & tweet’ era but breathe, chilrins, breathe. He’s on our side, even if he did rob Mother Monster (or, perhaps the 2 non-pop star nominees who didn’t get to sing their songs!). Oh and if you ask me (which you didn’t but imma tell you any way) Dustin Lance Black‘s catty tweet probably says more about him than 23-year-old Smith.
Kerry Washington – From the looks of her gladiator Kevlar®, she’s at war … with her stylist.
Henry Cavill – Swoon. Superman has never looked so dashing. SLAY me, Daddy.
Alicia Vikander – She deserved the Oscar … for Ex-Machina.
Cate Blanchett – ICON. Thank God someone took a risk. Love it or hate it, it’s a LEWK and she pulled it off like no one else could. Also, she’s the new Meryl.
Margot Robbie – Move over Blanche Deveraux, there’s a sexy new Golden Girl in town. Not content with taking over Jaime Pressly’s identity, she now appears to be gunning for Michelle Monaghan’s. Career Suicide Squad.
Jared Leto – So I’m assuming ’70s wedding groomsmen is now an actual thing in Bushwick/Echo Park/all of SanFran.
Rachel McAdams – She really is BACK!
Michael B. Jordan – LAWD HAVE MERCY! Please tell me the B stands for what I hope it does! No? Dammit!
Andy Serkis – Gollum looked precious. And by precious I mean coked out of his mind.
The Chilean winning directors – Gabriel Vargas (left) & Pato Escala (right) won for something or other. But more importantly “pato” means duck in Spanish. It’s also a derogatory term for gay. But I’ll take it. I mean if it looks like a duck and walks like a duck …
The Weeknd – As long as he’s not singing “Can’t Feel My Face” in a Carhartt jacket then it’s all good.
Kate Winslet – Flawless. I HATED Titanic, but I LOVE all of this/them.
Mark Rylance – If he goes missing after snatching Best Supporting Actor, check Stallone’s trunk. That is, if you can even recognize him.
Sly Stallone – I didn’t realize he was married to Caitlyn BFF Candis Cayne.
Louis CK – Host of the 2017 Academy Awards.
Sharmeen Obaid-Chinay – “Good thing I have two of these.” Even without that read, she gave the best speech of the night after noting her best documentary short, A Girl In the River, is changing laws (honor killings!) in Pakistan. FYI, I think that luxe embroidered cloak cost more than a Honda Civic.
Dev Patel – From Slumdog to the Indian Adam Driver. The Hotness Awakens.
Academy President Cheryl Boone-Isaacs – We like you. We really, really like you!
Dave Grohl – Why it gotta be a “Blackbird?”
Jacob Tremblay & Kevin Hart – Adorable!
Sofia Vergara – The best chyron/fun fact of the night: Sofia Vergara co-starred with Oscar winner Reese Witherspoon in Hot Pursuit. #shade Question: If Sofia Vergara doesn’t wear a mermaid dress, is it really Sofia Vergara?
Costume designer Sandy Powell – This is not Tilda Swinton despite all of Kris Jenner & Giuliana‘s hooting & hollering on E! But it could very well be yet another Lady Gaga Bowie tribute.
Lady Gaga – Just sing. Powerful song. Powerful message. Powerful visual. Powerful voice. Just sing.
But it was respectful of her to honor the 25th anniversary of Madonna‘s Sooner or Later performance from the 1991 Oscars. Brava.
Common – #OscarsSoRight
Alejandro Inarritu – Two years in a row. 4 Oscars total. 7 nominations. With Cuaron’s win for Gravity in 2014, that makes it the third straight year a Mexican filmmaker has taken home Best Director. (Mexican cinematographer Emmanuel Lubezki also won 3 times in a row) Yet that’s still not enough to stop the band from drowning out your speech — which just happened to be about race and skin color. Where’s Leo when you really need him?!
Saoirse Ronan – Gorgeous! She was giving Heather Locklear/Sammy Jo Carrington in Dynasty and that is always a win.
Brie Larson – She won an Oscar and hugged every one of Gaga’s abuse survivors. The new Jennifer Lawrence has been crowned. And as an added bonus, she’s almost as pretty as boyfriend Alex Greenwald. How you doin’?
Matt Damon & Luciana Barroso – It must get annoying being constantly referred to as Matt Damon’s wife. But I guess it beats still slinging cocktails at a bar in South Beach.
Leo DiCaprio – It’s about time he finally got the respect he’s deserved. And just like Winslet, he didn’t win for the role he should have. I’d imagine pretending to like Kirk Cameron is a lot harder than wrestling a CGI bear in the wilds of Argentina .
Jake Gyllenhaal – Brokeback. End of Watch. Prisoners. Enemy. Nightcrawler. If you ask me, we’ve already found Leo’s award snub successor … and my future hubs!
Jonathan Herman – Quick shout out to my longtime pal for his nomination for writing Straight Out of Compton. He didn’t technically win (Spotlight took it), but he did. Plus sitting between Tobey Maguire & JJ Abrams ain’t too shabby.
Ten Things learned watching the 87th Annual Academy Awards:
- Neil Patrick Harris’ ballot box joke took longer to execute than Boyhood and got the same amount of love from the Academy.
2. If they cue the music during your acceptance speech, just keep talking … it’s one less minute we’ll be subjected to that ballot box joke.
3. With feminism, civil rights, immigration reform, ALS, Alzheimer’s and two mentions of suicide, there was only one thing more serious and political than the acceptance speeches … the In Memoriam snub of Joan Rivers! Can we tawk?!
4. Imitation Game Adapted Screenplay winner Graham Moore is not gay … but his voice and queening out to Oprah sure is! Coming out as straight is hard. #stayweird
5 . Speaking of not gays … while it’s fine to comment on his creepy face-groping of biological women, we all really need to be more vigilant and sensitive to John Travolta’s BRAVE new look during this time. #askhermore
6. All it took for Tim McGraw (you know, Gwyneth Paltrow’s friend) to enter the witness protection program was the removal of one hat.
7. Meryl Streep and Jennifer Lopez will soon star in a buddy comedy together, thereby assuring for the rarest of feats… a Meryl-free Oscar season.
8. Terrence Howard was one awkward pause away from pulling an Elizabeth Taylor and blurting out “Gladiator!”
- Alexis Arquette killed it with her rendition of The Sound of Music.
- Common’s drag real name is Lonnie Lynn. Who knew?
Neil Patrick Harris – Everyone is hating by saying he bombed, but at least he actually hosted the show throughout its entirety. No one remembers anymore, but last year Ellen did an intro, took a selfie, ordered a pizza and then disappeared. And even our beloved national treasures Tina Fey & Amy Poehler were almost non-existent at this year’s Globes. So yes, some jokes fell flat, but the opening was great, he ad-libbed a couple of zingers and even “had the balls” to nearly show his in a pair of padded briefs. A for effort, which is more than I can say for past hosts like Seth McFarlane and James Franco.
Lupita Nyong’o – Serving pearl necklace for the GAWDS!
J.K. Simmons – Using his entire speech to stress the importance of family – call your mother! – and thanking his wife and kids with no reference to agents, managers or studio heads, was not only refreshing, it was downright revolutionary. Which begs the question: What is he trying to make right by them?! And I don’t care what anyone says, his character in Whiplash is gay. (That tight t-shirt don’t lie).
Dakota Johnson & Melanie Griffith – You know Fifty Shades is a total snoozefest when Dakota has more sexual chemistry with her recalibrated MOTHER than Jamie Dornan.
Jennifer Lopez – Drama. Spectacle. Wow. If it can be worn anywhere else – besides the Met Costume Gala in NY – then it isn’t an Oscar gown. SLAYED.
Costume Design winner Milena Canonero – You know she isn’t from here, because, even though it was raining, no one in Los Angeles actually owns a raincoat.
Reese Witherspoon – She don’t pop molly, she rock Tom Ford!
Channing Tatum – He must share the same guyliner specialist as Travolta.
Nicole Kidman – Exquisitely styled by Madame Tussauds.
Shirley MacLaine – Outfit by Liza Minnelli, wig by Mattel™ and sold exclusively at Hollywood Toy & Costume.
Tegan and Sara – Cutest lesbian duo of the night, next to Keith Urban and Nicole Kidman. Props to their drag mother, John Travolta.
Andy Samberg and Lonely Island guys – You know what would have made it even more awesome … those Katy Perry Super Bowl sharks.
Jared Leto – Believe it or not, he is not part of Lonely Island.
Dana Perry – Her win for Best Documentary Short Subject was for a serious topic (veterans & suicide) but her dress was giving us life … and proved NPH can ad lib when needed. And we needed.
Viola Davis – One day she will win an Oscar … and learn how to walk in heels!
Gwyneth Paltrow – It was crazy and risky and 80s and I loved it. If you are going to harp about steaming your vadge, you might as well wear one on your shoulder.
Margot Robbie – Now that she’s completely removed any trace of Jamie Pressly from the industry, she’s gunning for full Emma Stone annihilation. You have been warned.
The Hobbit is over but the elfin beauty trend has only just begun.
Emma Stone – There are two types of people in this world: those who can successfully wear chartreuse and the 99.99% rest of us. Perfection.
Patricia Arquette – Who does an Oscar winning feminist have to f*ck to get a proper blowout in this town? Equal pay for a good hairstylist NOW!
Rita Ora – People, stop trying to make Rita Ora happen. #fetch.
Chloe Grace Moretz – Pockets in dresses are cool, until you are on stage and they make you look like you are dealing with some sort of irritating rash.
Jessica Chastain – Always the bridesmaid never the bride. Say yes to the dress, just not this one.
Cheryl Boone Isaacs – Speaking of weddings, here’s the Academy President … and the mother of the bride.
Naomi Watts – The dress is Armani, but the sports bra is lululemon. The Cult of SoulCycle is real, children!
Jennifer Aniston – Perhaps the film industry would take her more seriously as an actress if she lost the Friends/Must See TV hair.
David Oyelowo – Don’t kid yourselves, the real reason he was crying was because he kept getting mistaken for a theatre usher. “Sir, is there a bar on the mezzanine?”
John Legend & Common – That emotional performance of “Glory” proved how far we’ve come … since Three 6 Mafia won for “It’s Hard Out Here for a Pimp.”
Idina Menzel – Local authorities say Adele Dazeem will not be pressing charges since it turns out the inappropriate touching was a total misunderstanding. John didn’t have on his contacts and kept mistaking her for his male masseuse.
Scarlett Johansson – Unfortunately, neither ScarJo’s terrible kryptonite necklace nor her lesbian ‘do could keep her safe from her A Love Song for Bobby Long co-star John Revolta’s Xenu death grip. Stay perfectly still and no one gets hurt.
Lady Gaga – Not since Britney Spears in 2008 has a raggedy weaved pop star fallen so hard and risen back to the top so quickly. But in lieu of a conservator, auto-tune and an upped dosage of psychotropic meds, Stefani Germanotta used her natural voice and a pair of red Palmolive bovine insemination gloves. While it’s ripe for ridicule, this look was the closest we got to a Cher moment, a Celine Dion reverse tux, Bjork swan dress or Demi Moore bike shorts, so all I have to say is … Applause!
Julie Andrews – 79 and flawless.
Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu – He won two Oscars on the heels of fellow Mexican director Alfonso Cuaron’s win for Gravity last year. Now this is the start of a Latino stereotype that I can fully support. Wepa!
John Stamos – at the Oscars? When you look this hot (especially at 51) anything is possible.
Ben Affleck – Presenting Best Director after his Argo snub. Nice to see Batman has a sense of humor.
Michael Keaton – But following Eddie Redmayne’s win for Best Actor, this gum chewing Batman probably doesn’t.
Cate Blanchett – Wearing a statement necklace that said: “This will be perfect for cousin Shari’s bat mitzvah in Boynton Beach.”
Jake Gyllenhaal – Was totally snubbed for a Best Actor nom. Just had to point out it again.
Eddie Redmayne – I know people say he’s cute. But I think he’s just a wig away from playing the eccentric best friend in the next Kate Hudson/Emily Blunt/Shailene Woodley romcom flop. Judy Greer better watch out.
Solange Knowles – Gumby in red! For the love of House of Dereon, who retrofitted her into this Christian Siriano haute couture strait jacket? #beyonce
Matthew McConaughey – The missing link in the Shia LaBeouf – Joaquin Phoenix douchetionary chain. He’s also a shiny blazer away from locking down a Vegas lounge host residency.
Julianne Moore – At last. Well deserved, long overdue and should have won at least twice before. But I must admit, I wanted her dress to gimme gimme Moore.
Sean Penn – I was going to say he looked ruggedly handsome. But after that tired green card joke, he’s still just a jerk. Apparently, nothing has changed since he was married to Madonna and punching photographers from coast to coast.
will i CAN’T – Just because the Oscars are held at a mall, that’s still no reason to dress like a Foot Locker sales associate. Have a seat, ma’am.
- All it takes to host the Oscars is about three jokes, a selfie and ordering a pizza.
- Only Ellen can get said pizza delivered on Oscar Sunday in under 90 minutes. Mine took 105. Which is just about how long that pizza skit lasted.
- Words are not Tyson Beckford’s forte. #jessicaroberts
- Ellen hates Liza Minnelli.
- To the complete and utter shock of my 1995 issue of Tiger Beat, Jared Leto, Matthew McConaughey and Brad Pitt are now Oscar winners.
- With a wall of roses and a stage full of industrial grade body condoms, the set design was borrowed from The Bachelor.
- Pharrell, U2, Pink and Bette Midler cannot hold a candle to the media sensation that is the wickedly talented Adele Dazeem.
- The one person more abused and butchered with improperly healed wounds than Patsey in 12 Years a Slave … is Kim Novak.
- When I think of Hollywood heroes for a film montage, Kevin Bacon in Footloose is right up there with Superman and Moses.
- The Academy was very eager to praise a harrowing and important film dealing with the tough subject matter of the human spirit’s enduring ability to survive and escape from a brutal, soul-crushing, dark and oppressive place … so they gave seven awards to Gravity.
Overall it was an historic evening, as a film helmed by a black director – Steve McQueen for 12 Years a Slave — won best picture and a Hispanic — Alfonso Cuaron for Gravity – won best director at a show hosted by a lesbian and overseen by the academy’s first black president.
Yet the biggest take away from this year’s Oscars is a gigantic flub from a beweaved closeted homosexual that introduced the world to a now famous non-existent pop star.
Hooray for Hollywood.
Here’s the recap!
Anne Hathaway — She really knows how to get tongues wagging … with the epileptic seizures caused by the EDM laser show emitting from the bodice of her dress. Which is one way to wake people from the year long coma induced by watching Les Miserables.
Barkhad Abdi — Shouldn’t an Oscar nomination qualify you for SAG dental?
Jared Leto — Thankfully, he listened to his publicist — and Twitter — and mentioned AIDS sufferers in his speech. So McConaughey wins an Oscar for losing weight and he gets one for impersonating co-star Jen Garner? Poor Leo.
Jim Carrey — ‘Memba him? Between him and Zellweger, there must be a Me,Myself & Irene curse.
Pharrell Williams – Wearing shorts on the red carpet. Who does he think he is, Demi Moore? And yes ‘Happy’ is catchy and corny, but if he can get Lupita to bust a move then it’s all good. But Christian Bale ain’t budging.
Naomi Watts and Samuel L. Jackson — Or as Sam Rubin from KTLA would say, Kristen Bell and Laurence Fishburne.
Catherine Martin (costume design winner/Baz Luhrmann’s wife) — The ghost of Lady Gaga’s future! PS, Baz Luhrmann has a wife??!
Hair & Makeup Oscar winning ladies from Dallas Buyers Club — Or was it the girls from your company’s accounts payable department?!
Harrison Ford — in Indiana Jones and the Earring of Doom.
Kim Novak — It’s great to see her back … from the Island of Dr. Moreau. The irony of having her present best ANIMATED film to FROZEN was lost on no one.
Sally Field — She looked fantastic and proved you can age gracefully — with a human face — in Hollywood. We like her. We really liked her.
Zac Efron — Almost as pretty as Jared Leto … but without the lace front weave.
Karen O — Who knew the L-train went all the way to the Dolby Theater?
Kate Hudson — Gorgeous. But she of all people should take heed of the McConaissance, stat! Unfortunately, it will probably take more than a 50 pound weight loss to save her from the depths of romcom hell. How to lose a career in 10 films.
Jason Sudeikis — DAMN! When did he get so hot? Such a dramatic transformation and he isn’t even playing an AIDS patient! So either Olivia Wilde is the true Supreme or she’s about to give birth to Beelzebub.
John Stamos and Lady Gaga at the Oscars — What? Why? How?
Bradley Cooper — He’s still no Gosling, but he was looking pretty damn good last night.
Darlene Love — 20 Feet from Stardom no more. Take your moment, gurl! SANG!
Ethan Hawke — Reality doesn’t bite. Hasn’t looked this good in years. No more junky chic.
Kevin Spacey — He’s nothing without Claire Underwood.
Ewan MacGregor & Viola Davis — Watch your backs, Jared and Lupita.
Brad Pitt — He now officially has it all. Has anyone checked on Jen in the last 24 hours?
Liza Minnelli — The woman breaks her hip when the wind blows, so they transported her across the country to honor her mother … by having her stand up in her seat for four seconds? It’s hard out here for a legend. But she did accost and hug Lupita, so I guess it was worth it.
Chris Hemsworth & Charlize Theron — Descending from the heavens … and into the Hollywood and Highland shopping mall.
Lupita Nyong’o — The Jennifer Lawrence Era is officially over. America’s new sweetheart has been crowned, headband and all. She could have worn Bjork’s swan dress or Celine Dion’s reverse tux and still wind up on everyone’s best dressed list. She’s one classy lady and hit all the right notes in her speech, especially when winning a superficial award for devastating and brutal subject matter. Take note, you know who.
Academy President Cheryl Boone Isaacs — Showcasing the new Academy museum as designed by the producers of HER.
Amy Adams — 5-time Oscar nominee, 0 wins. Poor Leo? Poor Amy! She’s got DiCaprio beat by one nom.
Gabourey Sidibe — Flawless.
Whoopi Goldberg — Wearing Julia Robert’s Golden Globes outfit with Seinfeld’s puffy shirt. Cue the Crystal Waters … she’s homeless. la da di la da da.
Pink — She soared to new heights and all without her usual circus theatrics or silks. Impressive, indeed.
Jennifer Garner — Jared & Matthew get Oscars and she gets “she’s one of the most beautiful actresses ever” intro … I guess that’s a better than Mrs. Ben Affleck or star of 13 Going on 30.
Glenn Close — Serving German Chancellor Angela Merkel realness.
Goldie Hawn — Don’t blame her, blame her doctor … Kim Novak!
Bette Midler — Same age as 68-year-old Goldie but without all the scar tissue. Did you ever know that you’re MY hero?!
John Travolta — Did he have a stroke? Or does his wig doctor just need to loosen his plugs a notch? As we speak, the Church of Scientology is investigating to see if Leah Remini was fucking with the teleprompter. Back to the auditing session he goes.
Penelope Cruz — She had her own Adele Dazim moment by presenting the award for Best Adapted …”Scrimpling?” Que?
Angelina Jolie – Just stunning. I could watch her stare at me all night.
Cate Blanchett — With her deserved win for Blue Jasmine, can she now give back the Oscar for her caricature impersonation of Katherine Hepburn in The Aviator? I’m not kidding.
Jennifer Lawrence — Forget tribute, I nominate her as … Hillary Clinton. The backlash starts now.
Matthew McConaughey — I thought he stopped reciting cheesy lines when he gave up the romcoms. God. Heroes. Himself. All right, all right, all right, was that an acceptance speech or some weird leaked Scientology video? Ugh, this undoes all my True Detective love. Just take your shirt off, pretty boy.
Camila Alves — in Princess Leia chic.
Julia Roberts — Frumpy Woman. She should be taking career advice from Meryl, not fashion tips!
Will Smith — The Razzies were the night before so what in After Earth hell is he doing introducing Best Picture?
Ten things learned watching the 85th Annual Academy Awards:
1. William Shatner and Kristen Chenoweth are Seth MacFarlane’s Rob Lowe and Snow White.
2. All future hosts must insist Russell Crowe “sing” at every Oscars.
3. Your chances of winning in sound categories double with purchase of Farrah Fawcett extensions.
4. If Charlize Theron and Halle Berry both show up, shut the red carpet down and send everyone else home.
5. Kristen Stewart hasn’t had a hot meal in weeks.
6. Jennifer Aniston’s rendition of “The Way We Were” was amazing.
7. Hating Anne Hathaway is so last week, which only means the Jennifer Lawrence backlash is imminent.
8. Bradley brought his boozy mom, Joseph G-Levitt brought Sally Field, Jackman his legally bound opposite-sex roommate and Travolta his wig. We still have a lot of work to do, people.
9. “Searching for Sugar Man” is a documentary and not another Bravo matchmaker show.
10. The Oscars orchestra is now located a half mile away at the Capitol Records building. Um WHAT?!
Just some quick words on last night’s Oscars, apologies for the repeats from my Facebook updates, tweets and TMZ posts. As always feel free to send me your rants and raves.
Seth MacFarlane – Love or hate him, I never understand why award shows hire someone with an edgy sense of humor and then are shocked/appalled when they make controversial, un-politically correct jokes.
Charlize Theron – Even with the Bieber hair, she can do no wrong. Flawless. She wasn’t just giving Ginger Rogers, she was serving Juliet Prowse Legs commercial realness (Google it).
Melissa McCarthy – or was it Abby from “Dance Moms”?
Channing Tatum – It’s amazing all he has accomplished considering his special needs.
Jennifer Aniston – Doesn’t matter if she’s wearing jeans or a gown, she has cryogenically preserved her hair and makeup from the Brad Pitt era.
Halle Berry – Pure Dominique Deveraux perfection.
Shirley Bassey — The ONLY Bond song. She’s seventy-fuckin-six!
Jessica Chastain – The Oscar was hers … if the Academy Awards were held in December. Damn you, Harvey Weinstein!
Catherine Zeta-Jones – Raven from RuPaul’s Drag Race, the time has come for you to lip synch for your life.
Jennifer Hudson – Every time she hits it out of the park – which is always – another piece of “American Idol” dies.
Les Mizzzzzzz – Thank God that’s over. And once again, thank you Russell Crowe.
Chris Pine vs. Chris Evans – Beam me up, Scotty.
Anne Hathaway – Les Zipperables. Ok, enough. Cue the “Jaws” theme to all the Hathahate.
Mark Wahlberg & Ted – Seeing that little monkey face squeezed into the tiny tux was so adorable … and Ted looked cute too.
Quvenzhane Wallis – Gazuntite! Three words: Keisha Castle –Hughes.
Sandra Bullock – Step away from the Japanese hair straightening, Sandy.
Adele – She now has a Grammy and an Oscar. Forget the EGOT, here comes the Jenny Craig sponsorship deal.
Scarlett Johansson – Should have performed her nominated song “Before My Time” … and WON! It’s better than “Skyfall”. No offense, but it’s true.
Kristen Stewart – Dress by Reem Acra. Hair by Down Under the 101 Freeway Overpass.
Salma Hayek – The dress had her more choked up and convoluted than her ramblings.
Barbra Streisand – While I can’t vouch for the “Melrose Place” choker, it ain’t the Oscars until someone pulls out the OG Kidman Nose.
Nicole Kidman – A funny thing happened on the way to the Oscars … she fell into the La Brea Tar Pits.
Renee Zellweger – ‘Memba her? Gurl, open your eyes because they are honoring your work in “Chicago” not “Dazed and Confused.”
Jane Fonda – Looked fierce as she teleported straight from Amanda Carrington’s Moldavian Massacre wedding. On Golden Fonda.
Jennifer Lawrence— Everyone loves her, but don’t forget you adored Hathaway right after Prada too.
Jack Nicholson – Who left the gate open?
Michelle Obama – She’s doing very important work.
George Clooney – Loving the sexy granddaddy beard … and I don’t mean his nurse, Stacy Keibler.
Ben Affleck – So we’re supposed to feel bad because he didn’t get a director nom after making a career comeback? Um, his rock bottom was making millions starring in big Hollywood films with his hot girlfriend … it’s not like he was holed up in a hotel room strung out on Oxycontin or forced to make cable movies about Liz Taylor. I’ll give my sympathies to the people who really deserve it … the first responders assigned to John Travolta’s hair and makeup.
Things learned watching the 2012 Academy Awards:
- Who knew Meryl Streep winning an award could be so shocking?
- Thanks to Jennifer Coolidge, my new fave word is ELEVATOR FACES.
- Ryan Seacrest is a pro at getting a man’s mess off his tux … just sayin’.
- Add “hairstylist” to the things Gabourey Sidibe desperately needs.
- The best part of the show was … Angelina’s leg – literally.
- Oh, how the mighty have fallen… when Oprah gets an award but isn’t even allowed to speak!
- Esperanza Spalding should sing at every IN MEMORIAM segment. What a wonderful… performance.
- Sandra Bullock speaking German only makes Jesse James’ Nazi photos seem that much more bizarre.
- Viola Davis should have given the wig she didn’t wear to Kelly Osbourne or Cameron Diaz!
- Ironically, watching Billy Crystal tell lame, tired jokes makes me want to hurl gay slurs.
It was the safe Oscars; from safe dresses, to safe host and even safer jokes. But what do you expect when even the best film of the year barely utters a word? I can only imagine what the Oscars will look like if Santorum is elected. Lawd have mercy.
So for your consideration… the Oscar recap.
Continue reading →
Things I learned watching the 83rd Annual Academy Awards:
1. They didn’t need a host, they needed FEMA … because it was a disaster zone.
2. James Franco & Anne Hathaway are the new Rob Lowe & Snow White.
3. More Kirk Douglas, please.
4. The world is seriously fucked up when someone like Jennifer Hudson introduces Gwyneth Paltrow’s, er, singing.
5. The only person watching the Oscars and laughing was Ricky Gervais.
6. Melissa Leo is as classy as her character in “The Fighter.”
7. Annette Bening is now on suicide watch.
8. Everyone and their mother brought their mother as their date.
9. Some award shows could actually use Lady Gaga in an egg.
It’s actually dumb to complain about how bad the Oscars are, because that’s partly why we all watch them. That being said, they were particularly awful. Adding to that was the lack of star power (no Julia, Tom, Johnny, Cameron, Salma, George, J.Lo, Brangelina, etc.), no Bjork outfits and no upsets. The entire night was about as interesting as a CBS sitcom.
As always, feel free to send me your thoughts and comments to firstname.lastname@example.org.
Things learned watching the 82nd Annual Academy Awards:
1. A lot of powerful people in Hollywood really hate James Cameron.
2. The ABC pre-show proves there’s a very good reason why Kathy Ireland was a model.
3. Silver and gold are the colors to wear this season … if you want to look washed out.
4. With apologies to Miley, Zoe and Kristen, but the Oscars just aren’t the same without real Hollywood glamazon presenters like Nicole, Halle and Salma.
5. Musical opening, Brat pack reunion, Taylor, Zac, Jake and Ryan, horror movie tribute and So You Think You Can Dance. Had there been a runway walk off I’d swear I had produced last night’s show. Thank you, Adam Shankman.
6. More than just the accountants at Price Waterhouse know the results before airtime. How else to explain notoriously snubbed director Babs presenting to Kathryn Bigelow, Tom Hanks referencing war pic winner “Casablanca” moments before announcing “Hurt Locker’s” win or even former standup comic turned Oscar winner Robin Williams presenting to standup comic turned Oscar winner Mo’Nique?
7. If Mimi & JLo are both on the Oscar red carpet you have ask them about “Glitter” and “Gigli”! Where’s Joan Rivers when you need her?!
8. I thought “Mom, I’m gay” we’re the most difficult words I’ve ever had to utter until … “Sandra Bullock, Oscar winner.”
The Davey beat Goliath Oscars. The War of the Roses Oscars. The Sandra Bullock Won Oscars. Whatever you want to call ‘em, I thought it was one of the faster paced shows in a while…which isn’t really say much! So whether you watched them or not (some people don’t watch the Oscars???) here are my thoughts on last night’s Gay Super Bowl. As always feel free to send me your thoughts and comments. And if you want to be added to my distribution list shoot me an email with your info at:
Things learned from watching the 2009
1. Musicals are back, except on Broadway. RIP Grease, Gypsy, Hairspray, Spamalot, Spring Awakening.
2. With song & dance numbers, Jackman, Beyonce and “Milk”speeches, it was the gayest Oscars since … last year. So sick of hearing “they were so gay.” Um, it’s the Oscars not NASCAR, when were they ever not gay? Get a grip, foolios.
3. “Slumdog’s” 65 wins assure that we have officially outsourced everything to India. Press 3 and a customer service rep will transfer you to an Oscar winner.
4. Getting previous winners to introduce the acting nominees was cool, although I was afraid the losers might get zapped into the Mickey Rourke career black hole by the Board of Elders. Have mercy on us, Eva Marie Saint! Beam me up, Christopher Walken!
5. Peter Gabriel is gonna kill John Legend.
6. Other than Brangelina, Alicia Keys’ $4 Canal Street wig and the “Slumdog” kids, the red carpet was about as fun as watching “Revolutionary Road.” Let everyone do the red carpet next time!
7. Two words: Jai Ho!
8. Hugh Jackman is perfect.
9. Lisa Rinna took Joan Rivers’ red carpet job – and her face. Meow.
10. The only upset was me – because “Slumdog” won so many damn awards. If you thought Mickey was gonna beat Sean then you clearly put too much emphasis on the sham that is the Golden Globes.
For your consideration … my Oscar recap. Send me your comments, thoughts and criticisms; you know I love to hear them.
All the best!
Things learned watching the 80th Academy Awards:
- With attendees like Patrick Dempsey, Katherine Heigl and the cast of “Dancing with the Stars,” (thanks ABC) the Oscars have officially become the new Emmys.
- If you are an attending A-lister and are not nominated don’t dare do the red carpet. Nicole, Hanks and Denzel won’t be mingling next to the likes of The Rock, Gary Busey and Miley Cyrus!
- It’s harder for a woman to become president than get a directing nomination.
- Just because you win an Oscar for Best Makeup – doesn’t mean you can do your own. Someone get that poor lady some new lashes – or an unlazy eye!
- Red is officially over. How pissed would you be had you showed up in a red gown?!
- Tilda Swinton is simultaneously insane, scary and weird – but still secretly fabulous.
- If you want to make the Oscars seem even more superficial and frivolous – have
soldiers fighting in U.S. present an award via satellite to a room full of people in Harry Winston jewels and couture gowns. Iraq
- Regis Philbin is the male Joan Rivers. For comedic effect, every red carpet should have a resident geriatric chatting up teen stars, foreigners and the elderly.
- Cancel the Vanity Fair p
arty and the A-listers stay home.
Where are the movie stars??! The red carpet was seriously lacking the usual cluster-fuck of high wattage A-listers that the Oscars are known for. With no Julia, Brad, Angelina, J.Lo, Uma, Drew, Kate, Matthew, Jake, CZJ, Will, Reese, Ryan, Keanu, Sandra, Hugh, Halle, Charlize, Gwyneth, Salma etc… we were left to yawn over Felicity and the guys in “Knocked Up.” For the love of Xenu, I would have even settled for a Katie Holmes sighting.
This year’s nominees had the excitement level of a dentist’s appointment and the outfits were no exception. Where’s
For your consideration … my Oscar recap.
Jennifer Garner – After surviving the
Ben Affleck – Your wife almost gets raped on the red carpet and your brother is nominated but you chose to spend it on Jimmy Kimmel pimping out your not-as-funny rebuttal to “I’m Fucking Matt Damon.” I hate to admit it, but “Gone Baby Gone” makes me think he may have actually written “Good Will Hunting” after all. There is life after “Gigli”!
George Clooney – There are no words. Perfection. Better than Cary Grant, even. I wasn’t aware that he was “dating” Nikki Cox! Next to Maddox, Zahara and Pax Jolie-Pitt, Sarah Larson is the luckiest person in the world. Now she just needs to stop wearing bathroom wallpaper.
Anne Hathaway – The first red dress to hit the Kodak stage. Can she be any whiter?
Katherine Heigl – Red dress p
Amy Adams – How did the star of a movie with three Best Song noms get to perform the number with absolutely no production values and a bad Talbots dress?! Kristin Chenoweth better watch her back!
Kimora Lee Simmons – When did she become Imelda Marcos?
Heidi Klum – Disney Princess chic.
The Rock – Wrestlers at the Oscars? I can’t wait until next year when Joanie Chyna Doll Laurer presents Best Picture! Yeah, I know he’s been in films, but it’s the Oscars. You should have to be in at least one good one.
Cate Blanchett – I’m gonna be nice to the pregnant lady – but her stylist wasn’t.
Johnny Depp – The most normal tux he’s ever worn. What gives?
Vanessa Paradis – I thought Marion Cotillard played Edith Piaf? Don’t let her fool you, underneath those blood red lips are black gums!
Jennifer Hudson – Not as bad as last year’s NASA bolero jacket, but can someone please remove the infant in swaddling clothes from the top of her dress. You know how you’re not supposed to wear white after Labor Day, Jen should listen to that rule – always!
Javier Bardem – Can someone please tell Javi that, yes, I will accept his marriage proposal? His speech to his mom sealed it! No straight man brings his mom to the Oscars and dates Penelope Cruz. It’s not humanly possible.
Keri Russell – Dear Sally, I don’t know how it happened, but I’m at the Oscars! Gonna look for Ben and Noel. Talk soon, Felicity!
Owen Wilson – Admit it, you were trying to catch a glimpse of his wrists.
Tilda Swinton – Eric Stoltz looks so different. By fall everyone will be wearing one-arm goth muumuus. Seriously, I don’t think ABS is rushing to knock-off her Lanvin shift. She’s such a strange bird, but I love it. Only she can pull off a “
Saoirse Ronan (annoying girl from “Atonement”) – This year’s recipient of the Keisha Castle-Hughes Memorial Award for Tween Nominees Who Will Fade Away into Obscurity
Jessica Alba – “Fantastic Four,” “Honey,” “Into the Blue,” “Good Luck Chuck,” “The Eye,” “Awake.” Yeah, it makes total sense that she should present at the Academy Awards.
Miley Cyrus – In yet another little red mess. She should have gone as Hannah Montana — at least then she would have looked more like a teenager. Like Lindsay and Hillary Duff before her, how does Disney turn all these middle-aged teenagers into stars?!
The Uma/Oprah Memorial Joke Failure Award goes to the guys from “Knocked Up” for that endless
Wesley Snipes – That purple suit is perfect, if your job is holding Diddy’s umbrella.
Ellen Page – What was with the Kathy Bates dress? Doesn’t American Apparel sell hipster dresses for slightly butchy gals? Even Jodie Foster knows how to rock a gown and heels. Juno should have aborted this look.
Marion Cotillard – Gorgeous. Yet another pretty Oscar winner. Her Oscar win assures her at least one Matthew McConaughey romantic “comedy.” Somewhere in a
Colin Farrell – A tan – and rehab – does a body good. Lawd have mercy. He looks great. He so fucked Marion Cotillard last night!
Jack Nicholson – He’s 70 years-old, so unless he has cataracts, please take the shades off. He so fucked Marion Cotillard last night.
Renee Zellweger – She and Philip Seymour Hoffman have the same hairstylist.
Nicole Kidman – Is she no longer pregnant?!Say what you will about the Porcelain Queen but everyone copies Nic’s style. She was the only one in red last year. And after she wore chandelier earrings a few years back, everyone st
The old guy who got the honorary Oscar that Nicole helped onto the stage – the lone person older than Harrison Ford – I think. I swear he just thanked Adam & Eve!
Penelope Cruz – following Nicole Kidman on the stage – nice touch. How the hell did Penny escape from Tom? She’s no Scientoloca. The woman may just be the Messiah!
Patrick Dempsey – There’s good hair and then there’s …
John Travolta – He gets what’s left of his hair styled by Krylon. Only your hair auditor will know the difference.
Kelly Preston – Despite zero roles, being married to John makes her the hardest working actress in
Faye Dunaway – The crazy ol’ bat is gonna pimp out her hot son until somebody puts him in a movie.
Jane Russell – Gentlemen Prefer Grays. Older actresses should not be forced to emulate Dorothy Zbornak.
Cameron Diaz – The highest paid actress in
Hilary Swank – Two Oscars and she gets to intro the death reel? Lady Seabiscuit just can’t get no love.
Tom Hanks – Two Oscars and he gets to intro the awkward soldiers in
Harrison Ford – If the 65-year-old is still allowed to play Indiana Jones, then Diane Keaton should play Wonder Woman.
Diablo Cody – The whole stripper turned blogger turner screenwriter PR spin is getting on my last indie nerve. Honest to blog! The patron saint of every American Apparel emo girl from
Helen Mirren – The only thing more impressive than her body of work – her body! She’s SIXTY TWO and looks amazing. Don’t be fooled
Daniel Day Lewis – Nothing says amazing actor – like a pair of hoop earrings! Looks like he’s been drinking RuPaul’s milkshake.
Rebecca Miller (Daniel’s wife) – There will be blood –for dressing like a 19th century saloon waitress.
The Coen Brothers – it’s the guys from “Knocked Up” in 30 years – and 30 less pounds.
Denzel Washington – I love that he showed up to the Kodak, presented Best Picture and was home in probably 30 minutes — which is about the most anyone should have to endure of the Oscars.
Scott Rudin –Thanking his p