Things Learned From Watching the 2017 Grammys
- Beyonce can get her mother, sister and daughter screen time, but still doesn’t have the power to get Michelle Williams‘ shift covered at P.F. Changs so she can make a cameo at the Staples Center. Rude! #PoorMichelle
2. By the way Beyonce is flaunting her second pregnancy, it’s obvious we still don’t know who carried her first one. #TheTruthIsOutThere
3. The only person who hasn’t tired of hearing “Hello” is Adele. True story!
4. Keith Urban will be amazing in The Betsy DeVos Story.
5. The highest level in Scientology is OT: Shady ’80s Vegas Lounge Act. Save us, Leah Remini!
6. Immediately following their Bee Gees tribute, Little Big Town performed at your cousin’s wedding in Encino. And they took requests!
7. The imaginary Quentin Tarantino film that Dwight Yoakham & Jason Derulo are living in is going to be amazing.
8. Apologies to Chance the Rapper, but it will always be too soon to bring back Cosby sweaters!
And now a few more silly words on some petty shit. Enjoy!
Beyonce – Narcissistic? Yes. Self-indulgent? Of course. Over the top? Clearly. But c’mon, who doesn’t L-U-V a pop queen on her throne? Now, against your better judgement, yell “slay.”
Adele doesn’t need to dance. Adele doesn’t need backup dancers. Adele doesn’t need elaborate stage shows. Adele doesn’t need to parade her body in a unitard. Adele has a voice. Adele has unparralled talent. Adele can stop and restart her performance on live television and you will love it and cheer and, against your better judgement, yell “slay.” These are not alternative facts!
Lady Gaga & Metallica – The Super Bowl was 7 days ago. The Super Bowl is now a memory. The Super Bowl never happened. Now if, against your better judgement, you yelled “slay,” that’s on you.
Katy Perry – ALWAYS. GETS. IT. WRONG. So Becky may finally be WOKE, but the gurl cannot find a decent outfit if her rights depended on it. She ought to shave her head, as it would be her best lewk yet! On the positive side, at least NO ONE yelled “slay.”
Jennifer Lopez – She’s been
slaying destroying the red carpet since that infamous Versace number, but it’s J.Lo’s stick straight synthetic hair extensions that feel leftover from 2000. It’s time to leave this overdone trend on the floor! Sorry, mija.
Demi Lovato – Serving KARDASHIAN on the carpet & ’70s SARKISIAN (as in CHER-ilyn) on stage. Guess she’s done being cool … for the summer.
Maren Morris – Winner of best country something or other. What I want to know is: Will she accept this rose? #SheLooksLikeSomeoneOnTheBachelor
Tim McGraw & Faith Hill – They are both turning 50 in a few months. Is country don’t crack a thing?
CeeLo – Can someone please Uber Gaga’s 2011 egg and send him home?
Bruno Mars – Definitely enjoyed it, but there was just one thing missing from his Prince tribute — Wendy & Lisa!
Rihanna – You don’t need an award, when you’re the coolest chic in the room. Go ahead and say it. I know you want to. “____!”
Halsey – Alls I see is a mashup of early Pink, JLo’s Versace thirst and TLC “Creep.” Next!
Hilton Jackson -The resemblance is uncanny. She has her father’s … last name.
A Tribe Called Quest – The one thing I won’t #resist … using “President Agent Orange!” Pass the Courvoisier, Busta!
And finally, if you haven’t heard the latest episode of my weekly pop culture podcast SCREAMING INTO TRAFFIC, just click below.
10 Things Learned Watching the 58th Annual Grammy Awards:
1. Thanks to Taylor Swift & Ciara‘s W Hotel cabana chic, pool cover-ups are the new black.
2. A bizarre terrorist cell made of Victoria Jackson/Jenna Elfman “Dharma” weave caliphates have infiltrated the country music industry. Save yourselves, Nashville!
3. Sorry Little Monsters, but Annie Lennox should have done the David Bowie tribute and saved us from this Elvis meets Bette Midler/C.C. Bloom “Oh Industry” outtake from Beaches.
4. Adele is human, but she’ll set fire to the rain … & anyone who fucks up her musical performance. As far as styling, the mother of the bride gowns really need to stop!
5. Best performance goes to Sam Hunt and
Carrie Underwood his tight white t-shirt. The 31-year-old was head and shoulders (and ARMS!) above the rest. Yaaaaas, Hunty!
6. Wynonna Judd looks amazing. Oops! As penance for “All About the Bass,” Meghan Trainor has entered the Witness Protection Program.
7. The lead singer of Alabama Shakes is also the guy from Digital Underground. #HumptyDance
8. If he loses any more weight, Sam Smith is going to have to change his name to John Doe.
9. The only thing not moved by that Lionel Richie musical tribute was his face.
10. Robin Thicke & Pitbull – The sequel no one asked for: A Night at the Roxbury 2: Electric Shit-aloo.
With so many lethargic numbers – save for Kendrick Lamar’s passionate performance & Lady Gaga‘s cuckoo bird SNL sketch – you wouldn’t have known last night’s Grammy Awards were actually live on the West Coast for the first time.
In between the red carpet and the latest round in the Taylor Swift -Kanye West publicity fight, here are a few other things that made me sit up and take notice. Enjoy!
Ariana Grande – Sofia Vergara for GapKids.
The Weeknd – His Ex-Machina humanoid girlfriend Bella Hadid had more life than his performance.
Rihanna couldn’t make it so she sent her Snuggy-wrapped understudy Andra Day instead.
Ellie Goulding – Did you know Jenner Lips™ are now available for natural blondes too?
Pharrell Williams – Sisqo is alive and well.
Stevie Wonder – Somehow he got roped into hosting The Hunger Games in the Capitol.
Justin Bieber – Despite the douchey face pubes, the douchey animal print Jwoww outerwear, the douchey flexing poses and even his insistence of trying to make those douchey Michael Flatley Riverdance moves a thing, I’d still hit it. I fully realize I am part of the problem.
Lady Gaga – She BEWITCHED us all.
Johnny Depp, Joe Perry & Alice Cooper – Ever since prison, Teresa Giudice and the rest of the Real Housewives of New Jersey are looking rough. On a related note, remember to watch this week’s intense episode of The Walking Dead.
Mark Ronson – This 40-year-old hipster can GET IT. All of it!
Zendaya – No Patchouli oil and weed tonight, because her freshly blown out mullet is giving you former ’80s child star for the gawds! #WeaveAreTheyNow
Tove Lo – More like Tove NO. Septum piercings are perfect for when an exposed tat and a gown aren’t awful enough.
James Bay – Apparently he was attending the Pennsylvania Dutch Grammys.
Florence Welch – Sorry James Bay, but the Amish are so 2015. Everyone knows it’s all about being a Fundamentalist Cult Wife now! Even Lena Dunham is doing it, so it’s gotta be a thing.
Beyonce – Contrary to conservative outcries, she went all white.
Britney Spears – No, she wasn’t anywhere near the Grammys, but ask yourself: Where were you nine years ago today? May she rest.
- Thanks to Madonna, Annie Lennox and Prince, the 80s queens are alive and well and still ruling the show.
- Staying off social media all night, because CBS still thinks it’s 2008 and won’t air the show live for the West Coast, is freakin’ hard!
- Iggy Azalea has co-opted another racial identity—Swiss Miss.
4. As far as Taylor Swift collectibles go: Lorde & Lena Dunham are out, but Haim is in.
5. If the show gets any longer, they’ll need to break it up over eight weeks, cast Jessica Lange (*insert Madonna joke here) and call it a mini-series.
AC/DC – For everyone belting out age-inappropriate fashion critiques at Madonna, please draw your attention to 59-year-old Angus Young. He’s been doing this for over four decades… which, believe it or not, is even longer than the Queen of Pop.
Sam Smith – The Best New Artist is Ron Burgundy?
Anna Kendrick – Looking Pitch Perfect and the sexiest she ever has. Tweet that, AK.
Ariana Grande – It’s amazing what she’s managed to accomplish without the use of her tongue. Enunciating is hard, kids!
Jessie J & Tom Jones – He’s used to getting women’s panties thrown at him on stage … and she performed in hers. The Gaga/Tony Bennett thing has officially become a trend.
Kanye West – He’s done the impossible and actually made Kim look like the intelligent one. Where’s Paul McCartney’s unplugged microphone when you need it?
Kim Kardashian – in vintage Liberace. Behind the Kandelabra.
Madonna – The matador/French maid ensemble was the Grammy equivalent of Cher at the Oscars. And whether you loved it or hated it, you can’t deny she brought the drama and spectacle to the somber and lackluster set of performances during the broadcast’s first seven hours. While the disparaging ageist remarks show no sign of abating, the Material Mom continues to flawlessly make inroads so that one day – a long, long time from now – millenials will be able to appreciate someone like Britney Spears as she attempts to hold on to her singing, dancing and overall stage presence. Oh wait.
Josh Duhamel – Hello, gorgeous! Looks like Fergie may need to start fielding offers for a CBS procedural if she ever plans to attend the Grammys again.
Beck – Who’s the Loser now? Sorry Beehive, but he’s music to Xenu’s ears! The album of the year is currently streaming on an E-meter near you. His retro Mia Farrow chic is now less Hannah and Her Sisters and more Rosemary’s Baby.
Smokey Robinson – The new star of Groom of Annabelle. He will haunt your nightmares!
Jeff Lynne – You say ELO, I say GEICO caveman.
Adam Levine & Gwen Stefani – Both looking gorgeous, even if he does have more foundation on than she does.
Hozier & Annie Lennox – Sweet dreams are made of this … and an imaginary harmonica.
Nick Jonas – All together now, “I know you are, but what am I?” Further proof that he should remain shirtless at all times.
Meghan Trainor – I’m all about that face. Hatchet Face. I’m terrible.
Pharrell – He’s gone from working at Arby’s to The Grand Budapest Hotel in 12 months. Now we’re all happy to never have to hear this song again.
Katy Perry – She was serving Princess Leia meets Solange Knowles wedding dress realness. Featuring an intro by Obama and a domestic abuse survivor to further highlight its importance, the austere performance must have been some sort of penance for that Super Bowl fiasco. Shadow dancers beat sharks and beach balls every time, Katy cats!
Katharine McPhee – She finally made it to the Grammys and all it took was losing American Idol, three albums and a hit CBS drama.
Lady Gaga – With a career littered with meat dresses, egg arrivals and failed male alter egos – Jo Calderone, anyone? – is it weird that I find her recent transformation into a Real Housewives of Orange County the most offensive? Put your paws up, Vicki Gunvalson!
Jane Fonda – Further proof Ryan Reynolds was completely miscast in Green Lantern. Hanoi Jane for the win!
Keith Urban & Nicole Kidman – Ellen and Portia look amazing!
Rihanna – Say what you will about her statement red carpet dress, the bigger problem was her ill-fitting Men’s Wearhouse double-breasted suit. Oh Na Na!
Paul McCartney – I find his transition into a younger Maggie Smith quite brave. Legend. Icon. Beatle. Dowager Countess?
Sam Smith & Mary J. Blige – A fierce black diva and an out and proud gay man. They’re a duet made in Shonda Rhimes heaven.
Prince – The Mrs. Roper thing has now further morphed into a homage to Barbra Streisand in Meet The Fockers. THIS is what it sounds like When Doves Cry … in Boca Raton.
Sia – It’s good to see someone getting use out of Lady Gaga’s discarded drag box.
Kristen Wiig – Loved it! She’s a blonde Emo Phillips. And look, Sia has legs!
Beyonce – Descending from the heavens, the weaved wonder came to grace us mere mortals with her ethereal magic. But there was definitely one person who didn’t like her rendition of Precious Lord, Take My Hand from Selma … Ledisi, the chick who sang it in the movie! Oh Hail No!
- With Madonna, Katy, Lorde, Ozzy, Yoko & Sean Lennon … Welcome to the Coven Grammys.
- On second thought, with McCartney, Urban, Paul Williams, Bruno Mars,
Latifah, Alicia Keys, Smokey Robinson, Jeremy Renner, Bille Joe Armstrong, Steven Tyler & Hunter Hayes … it was the L-word Grammys.
- If the show is going to run 4 hours then I need Pink’s shirtless dancer in the corner of the screen for at least 3 of them.
- Beyonce needs a hair dryer and nothing else.
- Daft Punk has drank the Gaga juice. Take the helmets off, fools.
- The Little Monsters have found their new Lorde and saviour.
- Robin Thicke has officially Single White Male’d Justin Timberlake. Minus the whole amazing dancing thing.
- Not airing the Grammys live on the West Coast is the most archaic thing CBS has done since revealing their new fall lineup.
- Never watch music award shows live or suffer the wrath of not being able to fast forward through country music performances.
- Respect your elders, people. Everyone ages … if they are lucky.
Beyonce — The new Queen of Pop gave the best Ciara performance ever. Surfboard.
Pharrell — And the first Grammy-inspired Halloween costume of the year is born.
Lorde — Hands down the best album by a seven-year-old poltergeist. She’s 17 going on 43. It’s Darlene from Roseanne meets Amy Irving in Carrie with Japanese hair straightening and a pair of Joaquin Phoenix’s HER pants. Regardless, that awkward teen is one talented beyatch! Team Lorde all the way.
Hunter Hayes – If Showtime decides to make the Nurse Jackie Diaries, they’ve found their young Edie Falco.
Katy Perry – She really needs to stop shopping at the Lady Gaga 99 Cent Store. That performance was amazing … had it been the spring musical at Hellen Keller High.
Robin Thicke – Is it safe now? Are we assured we’ll never be subjected to Blurred Lines again? Please say it is so.
Keith Urban – Nicole Kidman divorced a gay man to marry a gay woman. Only his hairdresser will know for sure.
Pauly Perrette – She’s been on a hit CBS show for over ten years that no one I know watches yet the network rewards her by making her work a job more suitable for Kaley Cuoco’s stand-in. That’s some NCI … B.S.
Dave Grohl, Krist Novoselic & Pat Smear — it’s the Eww Fighters.
Taylor Swift — Performance hair-ography by Nomi Malone’s Showgirls pool scene. #sitdown
Bruno Mars — It’s Alicia Keys had she not become famous. He’s so convincing that I bet Latifah tried to get his number. One dollar to anyone who can explain how the hell he got the Super Bowl gig.
Pink/Fun — I love me some Pink. She’s an amazing singer and performer. Her body and athleticism are beyond. Her concert last year may have been the best show I’ve ever seen. And we get it. You can work a silk like it’s nobody’s business. But the acrobatic jig is up. Time to learn to walk tightrope or pick up a new gimmick because you’ve spoiled us. At this point seeing her twirl in the air above the Staples center while singing live is like a ghost of VMAs past. No offense but it’s true. But PS, she should be the one performing at the Super Bowl!
Ozzy Osbourne — It’s not nice to speak ill of the dead.
Kelly & Sharon Osbourne — Effie Trinket’s plus two at the Panem Grammys.
Ringo Starr — Sorry Ringo but it’s all about his wife Barbara Bach. The former Bond Girl is 66 and looks fantastic. That is some mighty fine upholstery work. All this time I thought she was British, turns out she’s a Queens girl from Jackson Heights. Get tha fuck outta here, loca!
Paul McCartney — Susan Boyle has gone so Hollywood! Loving his Suzi Quatro/Leather Tuscadero from Happy Days shag.
Imagine Dragons/Kendrick Lamar — I thought radio killed Imagine Dragons for me but after that performance they have been redeemed.
Kacey Musgraves — Megan Fox with a twang. Poor thing needs to stay away from the Katy Perry sample sales. Winner of worst performance slot … appearing on a Staples-adjacent stage. At least the audience could get a view of her as they walked to the bathroom.
Julia Roberts — Ladies and gentlemen, Lyle Lovett’s ex-wife. ‘Memba that??
Gloria Estefan– She may have 2 titanium rods in her back but unlike Madonna — who is a year younger — Gloria doesn’t need animatronics to shut her eyes.
Jeremy Renner – 50 shades of gay.
Douche Punk — The only way to redeem themselves for the tired & pretentious robot act would have been to accept the Album of the Year by removing the helmets to reveal … Tina Fey & Amy Poehler. Or to keep it CBS friendly, the Two Broke Girls.
Stevie Wonder — Can someone please plug in his mic … and unplug Pharrell’s?
Cyndi Lauper — 30 years after winning Best New Artist, she wins a Grammy for Kinky Boots. Girls just want to have a career as long and successful as her!
Carole King/Sara Bareilles — Basic bitches for the win. Just two talented singers and pianos. No dancers, smoke machines, costumes, circus acts or helmets. In this day in age, that’s what you call BRAVE.
Steven Tyler/Smokey Robinson — Are those the remaining Pointer Sisters? My 95-year-old aunt has no problem with gay marriage. But these two androgynous, bejeweled, fibre glass divas? That is something she just can’t wrap her head around.
Metallica– At what point exactly did lead singer James Hetfield turn into a TimeWarner cable guy? Can you hook up my Roku too?
Macklemore & Lewis — It was their night. They never looked better. I just feel bad for their poor future ex-girlfriends sitting in the audience.
Same Love — I’m not going to harp too much on having a closeted celebrity officiate the ceremony. Or that CBS aired the segment at a ‘safe’ post 11pm time slot or that they failed to show any (same-sex) couples kissing. I’m just going to revel in the fact that for 5 min they aired a ‘rap’ act — and MADONNA! — singing about equality, love and being gay, without using any euphemisms, that sent a loud & clear message and created a historic memory for 33 loving couples on national TV. And since not everyone, believe it or not, lives in NY or LA, that’s a pretty big deal.
Queen Latifah — I’m all for your baby steps, gurl. But it’s getting ridiculous. Godspeed, Dana.
Mary Lambert — Looked fantastic, minus the dreadful exposed tattoo and gown combo that no one can pull off. No one.
Madonna — Haters gonna hate. She’s 55 & still serving it. Get over it, children. Bey, Katy and Gaga will be lucky to get bashed by future 20somethings should they still be around at the 2045 Grammys to perform with Suri Cruise. I’m sorry but Boss Hogg knows how to make a performance entrance. Open your heart, ageists.
Miranda Lambert — Malin Akerman is that you? From country bumpkin to Trophy Wife!
Billie Joe Armstrong — Shane from The L-Word.
Yoko Ono — The woman is 80. Fuck what ya heard, she’s the Supreme, bitches.
Alicia Keys — Those are some damn nice pecs, lady.
Paul Williams — Adorable. Serving Cloris Leachman/Beverly Ann on ‘Facts of Life’ realness.
Nine Inch Nails — Trent Reznor should be thanking the Recording Academy. Because rolling credits during his performance & then tweeting ‘Fuck You’ to the Grammys gave him the opportunity to still seem remotely punk rock. A feat nearly impossible after winning an Oscar.
Despite the Jessica Rabbit meets Gaga ensemble, the 63-year-old Grammy winner — who had a kidney transplant in 2009 and is a Hepatitis C survivor — was looking fit and fabulous.
Natalie performed a Spanish version of “Unforgettable” as part of a virtual duet with her late father Nat King Cole.
10 Things I Learned Watching the 55th Annual Grammy Awards:
1. The only way peeps could hate Taylor Swift more is if she cut her hair and sang “I Dreamed a Dream.”
2. CBS needs to realize it’s the Twitter-first Century. Ya need to air the Grammys live on the West Coast, boo boos.
3. Between them, John Mayer & Taylor Swift have dated everyone at the Grammys … well, except Frank Ocean.
4. The manhunt for LAPD killer Chris Dorner can stop… he hosted the show.
5. Hunter Hayes is like a little Ryan Seacrest/Ellen DeGeneres.
6. Whenever “Someone That I Used to Know” is played … a hipster dies.
7. Per the Jack Sparrow statue on stage, Pirates of the Caribbean must also be a tanning salon on Ventura Blvd.
8. Seeing Chris Brown and Rihanna sitting together is more disgusting than her busted-face photos.
9. Adele’s dress is currently available at a Home Goods store near you.
10. Believe it or not, Mumford & Sons & The Lumineers are not “Portlandia” skits. I think.
Some more thoughts on last night’s Grammys. As always, feel free to send me your thoughts and comments.
Taylor Swift – The reason so many hate her is because they actually really love her. Guys would kill to sleep with TayTay and then be immortalized with a breakup song, while most chicks (and gay men) would love to be able to exact their jilted revenge… for radio listeners everywhere. Deep inside, we are all Taylor Swift.
Ed Sheeran – Don’t be fooled, he wasn’t singing at Staples Center… he was live from the Shire.
Jennifer Lopez & Pitbull – J.Lo’s dress was thisclose to proving she’s even more bald than he is.
fun. – Tread softly, boys, or you’ll suffer a fate worse than death… & become the new Maroon 5.
Miranda Lambert – She should come with a side of mashed potatoes and creamed spinach because she was serving a whole lot of white meat breast and thighs.
Miguel – White America, this is Miguel. Miguel, this is White America.
Faith Hill & Tim McGraw – Faith has braces now, and Tim wore a shirt. Oh, the humanity!
Lena Dunham – She wore clothes. Everyone wins.
Johnny Depp – Circus Peanut is not his best color.
Ellen DeGeneres — Has anyone else noticed how much more butch Portia seems these days?
Beyonce – Her outfit was perfect … if the 6:25 pm showing of “Silver Linings Playbook” at The Grove had a red carpet.
Justin Timberlake – Everyone needs to settle down with the Robin Thicke wannabe comments. Did y’all forget that seven years ago everyone called Robin the new JT?? He’s bringing himselfback.
Kelly Rowland – That dress showed off all of her Destiny’s childrens.
Frank Ocean – Don’t care what you thought about his performance, he beat Chris Brown and that’s all that matters. FYI … “Forrest Gump” is the song that deals with being in love with a man and eventually led to his coming out.
Jay-Z – Reading The Dream on stage. Somewhere, Christina Milian is laughing.
Alicia Keys — That performance dress was real sexy … for Condoleezza Rice.
Adam Levine – Cater waiter chic.
Kaley Cuoco & Pauley Perrette – CBS is a magical place. How else can you explain being on two of the highest-rated TV shows and yet be completely unrecognizable to anyone under 50?
Keith Urban – As long as they are contractually bound, I will never get used to seeing Nicole Kidman at music award shows. It’s even more bizarre than “Paperboy.” Also, let’s all take a minute and think about the fact that Oscar-winning actress Nicole Kidman is married to a reality show judge.
Kelly Clarkson – I will not say anything bad about Kelly Clarkson. I will not say anything bad about Kelly Clarkson. I will not say anything bad about Kelly Clarkson.
Rihanna – She’s come a long way since watching the Grammys from a hospital bed 4 years ago! She’s kinda like Chick-fil-A… you want to like her because she’s so good, but you just can’t get behind all the hate she supports.
Carly Rae Jepsen – Call me… a taxi back to Canadian obscurity, you Michelle Trachtenberg impersonator, you.
Sting – Holy shit, he’s 61.
Zack Brown Band – These days, the only way to decipher the country groups from the indie hipster bands like Mumfords or Lumineers is by the hotness of their girlfriends.
Jack White – For a moment I really thought Kelly Osbourne finally got rid of her ridiculous Dame Edna purple weave. F*ck.
Katy Perry – Her career has gone BUST.
Prince – Giving Linda Dano “Search for Tomorrow” Felicia Gallant realness. Somebody needs to keep him away from Talbots.
Kimbra – I just like saying her name. But will we ever again?
Mavis Staples – Proof they were selling Rite-Aid weaves in the parking lot.
Alabama Shakes – Meet Tyler Perry’s newest character … Young Madea.
Juanes – “Your Song” cover … Ai yi yi.
Adele – Rolling in the drapes. Styling by Mrs. Roper.
LL Cool J & Chuck D, Tom Morello, Travis Barker – It’s 11:30 pm … Ain’t nobody got time for that.
Things learned from watching the 2010 Grammy Awards:
1. Thanks to Gaga, Beyonce and the Black Eyed Peas, all future pop performances must include background dancers that look like characters straight out of “Star Wars.”
2. Kaley Cuoco, who? Simon Baker, what? The Grammys are a great way for CBS to introduce their stars to the 95 and under crowd.
3. If Jamie Foxx asks you to be in his musical number, RUN.
4. Unless you are an accused child molester with a penchant for extreme surgical procedures who overdoses on a myriad of drugs, your Grammy lifetime achievement award will be relegated to a one-line mention prior to introducing future music legends like Ke$ha and Justin Bieber. I’m talking to you, Leonard Cohen and Loretta Lynn.
5. Three dimensional theatrics should be left in the hands of blue 7 foot manimals, because without the 3D glasses all I witnessed was how Paula Abdul sees the world.
6. Lady GaGa on a red carpet is the new ‘80s Cher. It’s not who she’s wearing, but WTF is she wearing.
7. Prior to Colbert’s win, the last time the Best Comedy Album award was televised was … never.
8. There’s a better chance that I’m Prince and Paris Jackson’s biological father than Jacko.
9. Album of the year? OMG! ‘Memba when people bought those?!
10. The Taylor Swift backlash starts now.
Things learned from watching the 2009 Grammys:
1. Al Green, Boyz II Men, Paul McCartney, Neil Diamond, Smokey Robinson and Robert Plant successfully turned it into the 2009 GRANNYs.
2. If you attend AND perform at the Grammys while 10 months pregnant and on your due date you can wear whatever the fuck you want.
3. You can win Record and Album of the year with 99% of the public never having heard the song/album before.
4. Music award shows are nothing without some DIVAS, and Miley Cyrus and Katy Perry just don’t cut it. Say what you will about Britney’s talents, but the loon gives good show!
5. We will never truly see a Whitney Houston comeback. She left the building a long, long time ago, people.
6. Believe it or not, Katy Perry and Zooey Deschanel are not the same person.
7. Jennifer Hudson is amazing and really lucky … because if she had won “American Idol” she’d probably be performing at state fairs and mall openings with Ruben, Fantasia and Taylor.
8. It’s impossible to tell if U2 comes out with new songs or just repurposes stuff off their last two albums. Was that Vertigo? Beautiful Day?
9. Stevie Wonder needs a new seeing-eye manager.
You know the drill. Read it and weep – and then send me your comments.
Due to the crisis in the East, my recap is coming a little later than normal. And by crisis I do mean the death of Anna Nicole Smith. You have no idea what the last few days have been like at work. Insane! But I digress.
Things I learned by watching the 49th Annual Grammy Awards:
1. By the looks of Hilary Duff, Shakira, Nelly Furtado, Christina Aguilera, India Arie and Weird Al, it appears the flat iron is (finally) dead! The perm is back. Long live Rhea Pearlman.
2. Rachel Zoe has retired her crown as Hollywood’s premiere stylist to the head costumer of 80s TV dance program “Solid Gold.” Please note: Vanessa Minnillo, Hilary Duff, Petra Nemcova, Carrie Underwood, Natasha Beddinfield.
3. If you are a musical legend like The Doors, Maria Callas or the Grateful Dead, your Lifetime Achievement award will consist of two sentences, a pan to your nearest living kin, and awkward applause. Now back to a performance by Ace of Base and JoJo.
4. The only thing worse than a bad host is… no host. Someone give me a joke, any joke. Even a bad joke. Despite 57 performances, the show moved slower than a Kirk Douglas speech.
5. Since the music industry has had a hard time creating pop stars on their own lately, the Recording Academy caved and turned to “American Idol” style theatrics to try to drum up some interest in the telecast and maybe discover the next Carrie, Clay or Kelly. They didn’t. Robin Troup meet William Hung. Will this whole need to get “the people at home” involved please end!
As always feel free to send any comments, feedback and donations to me at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Until the Gay Super Bowl (aka the Oscars) on Sunday, February 25th.
The Police – The big news wasn’t that they reunited, but that Sting doesn’t age! Sadly, it seems he transferred those excess years to Stewart Copeland and Andy Summers. Sting looks great for 55. His wife Trudie should count herself lucky, although his shaved armpits are a little disturbing.
Tony Bennett – He also looks great… for 109, but is he really the best person to be leading Stevie Wonder on stage? Talk about the blind leading the blind!
Stevie Wonder – Wearing Paula Abdul’s dress in mens.
Joan Baez – Kumbaya! Someone’s been taking styling advice from Helen Mirren. Amazing at 65!
Dixie Chicks – Five for fighting! After being denounced, depressed and detwanged, the decountrification of Natalie, Emily and Martie is officially complete. I love these bitches, but Natalie’s white 80s prom performance gown was not ready to make nice either! But seriously, who needs Grammys when you get to go home to Adrian Pasdar from “Heroes”!
Gnarls Barkley – Or was it Big Gay Al Roker?
Prince – Everybody say it with me “Linda Dano weave!” The white suit was courtesy of Bay Ridge’s own Tony Manero. The man is a genius. He hasn’t had a hit in over a decade, yet still gets himself booked on the Super Bowl, the Grammys — and just barely missed out an Oscar nom. America loves midget, androgynous rockers in heels and a Spiegel catalog suit.
Beyonce – The only thing worse than her arrival dress – her Glendale Galleria kiosk polyester hair weave! Wash and wear. Her performance wig and giddyup, er, I mean get-up were a tad better, although the dress was so sheer you could almost to see her curly-qs. B needs to go to Churchill Downs and score some new weaves!
Black Eyed Peas – The only thing faker than will.i.am’s ear-cessory: Fergie’s chola accent! If Fergie Fugs really wants to be more ‘glamorous,’ she should consider lowering the hems on her red carpet nighties to just below her black eyed V.
Mary J. Blige – Who doesn’t worship at the Church of Blige? That being said, I don’t mean to haterate, but haven’t we been hearing about her drug days for the last 7 years?? I’m glad she finally got her Grammys, but girl needs to let it rest. Hallelujah, holla back! And it doesn’t matter how many buns she puts in her hair, there ain’t nothin’ that can make an exposed tattoo and a gown look classy. Just ask Melanie Griffith. Loved the red 70s jumpsuit/Farrah hair a million times more.
Queen Latifah – Even Al Gore would have looked more comfortable in her dress. Contrary to popular belief, Beyonce isn’t the person who wants Jennifer Hudson killed the most. If anyone’s career is about to be hijacked, it’s Tifah’s!
Justin Timberlake – Raise your hand if you are tired of his bringing suitsback look! I mean, it looks great and everything, but he’s getting so predictable and boring. Snore. And I could have done without the whole “Blair Witch” element of “What Goes Around.”
Robin Troup – She won a contest and got to sing at the Grammys. At the Grammys! Britney hasn’t even done that!
Samuel L. Jackson – “Snakes on a Plane” is no longer the worst thing he’s been in this year. That honor goes to his Janet Reno inspired Chico’s ladies sweater.
Pink – MARVELOUS! She had me tickled pink! The best she has ever looked. Her body looked amazing, she chose a chic black number, and even her power dyke do looked hot! But in order to get that Vogue cover, she better laser off those trashy tats.
Brooke Hogan – Looking like a classic Old Hollywood… hooker! She kept bragging that she did her own hair and makeup. You don’t say! She might wanna try getting a dress in her size next time. Daddy would be so proud, because she was the incredible “Hulk” last night.
Natalie Cole – Presenting with Ornette Coleman, who I swear I heard say “Spare some change?” Her hair, makeup and dress made her almost seem like a biological woman.
Corinne Bailey Rae – Adorable. Have you downloaded “Like a Star” yet? What are you waiting for?!
John Legend – So hot! Love his undone bowtie at arrivals, which Ludacris then copied during his performance.
John Mayer – How do you say, ‘lost all your cred by dating a pop whore’ in Japanese? His treatment of Ryan Seacrest at arrivals made Angelina’s Globes disgust seem downright cordial. I love his music — it’s better than Tylenol PM!
Nelly Furtado – Is “Promiscuous Girl” her “Sugar Walls?” How else do you explain her need to emulate a mid-80s Sheena Easton?! The return of the Toni Home Perm. Does Johnny Weir know his uniform is missing?
Natasha Beddinfield – Brit Ekland 2.0
Pussycat Dolls – Every single one of them looks like a “Pretty Woman,” if you know what I’m saying! Do they still charge by the hour if you splurge for all of them?
Christina Aguilera – Who da skanky one now, Britney? That voice could wake the dead, or at least Tony Bennett. How hard do you think it will be to get all of her Cheese Doodle orange tanning makeup off her white suit? Toni Home Perm strikes again!
James Blunt – The cute Jon Heder. If I never hear “Beautiful” again it will be too soon. You’re not at a weekend brunch in Echo Park. Dress up! And what was with Linda Perry and her albino girlfriend behind him at arrivals? That was a whole lotta strange.
Petra Nemcova – As long as she is with Blunt, she will have to be happy sporting all of Nicole Kidman’s Tom Cruise-era pumps. Her “Solid Gold” dress doubles as a thermo-wrap… should a Tsunami hit Staples Center.
Shakira – The new Charo. Perm-alicious! The Toni Home Perm done right! Don’t know how she did it, but mija took Beyonce’s Globes’ dress, cut it up, and made it look 10 times classier. You know I’m telling the truth cuz “Hips Don’t Lie.”
Burt Bacharach – First Barry Manilow and Rod Stewart morph into Barbara Walters and now Burt turns into a combination of Beverly Ann from “Facts of Life” and Annie Lennox. Tell me “Why?!” Are they casting a movie version of “Golden Girls” that I’m not aware of?
Seal – Winner of the Grammys alterna-tux award. Just enough rock-n-roll, but still chic and simple.
Luke Wilson – I get that Alyson Hannigan and that other girl from “How I Met Your Mother” were there because of CBS, but explain why Luke was? Is he sleeping with JT too?
Mandy Moore – Yikes! Is she opening for the Indigo Girls? ‘Cause all that was missing from her tie-dye couture was a pair of Birkenstocks and some leg hair. But you’d give up too if you read the reviews for “Because I Said So.”
LeAnn Rimes – You know she has a hit out on Carrie Underwood. The only thing disappearing faster than her career – her breasteses.
Carrie Underwood – Another CONTEST WINNER gets her Grammy. She gave the best impersonation of Reese Witherspoon’s “Walk the Line” performance I’ve ever seen. Yes Carrie, you can sing at the Grammys… just not your own songs! How much you wanna bet she has a sex tape?!
Rascal Flats – Can we do some DNA testing on the lead singer? I swear he/she does the door at the L-Word Bar and Grill.
Imogen Heap – Kudos for getting noticed Ms. Imogen ‘trash’ Heap. At least now moms in Des Moines have heard of you! The funny thing is that it’s not too far off from some of Gwen Stefani’s everything-and-the-kitchen-sink ensembles. Where’s a NASA diaper when you need one?? I actually thought the strangest thing about the whole debacle was her un-groomed eyebrows. Is it the 90s?
Christina Ricci – She looked so good that I barely noticed her usual resemblance to E.T. last night.
Smokey Robinson – All his botox gives new meaning to the line “So take a good look at my face, you’ll see my smile looks out of place.” I’ll say! And I didn’t realize Victoria’s Secret made sheer, lacey camis for men! Is Bobby Trendy his stylist now?
Lionel Richie – Hello! He sounded awesome. I don’t care what The Recording Academy says, but somehow I don’t think in 20 years Chris Brown’s “Run It” will be revered like “Hello” or “Tracks of My Tears.”
Chris Brown – Screw his “Stomp the Yard” performance, it was all about his James Brown dance homage. Hot!
Rihanna and David Spade – They wish they looked like Iman and David Bowie. It was more like Tyra and Ellen!
Hilary Duff – Yet another Solid Gold dancer with a matching perm. The return of the outta boro guidette! I had to pinch myself because I swore when she was on the red carpet I was watching lost footage from my ’89 Queens catholic high school prom. Can someone cue Richard Marx’s “Hold On to the Night” for me?
Jennifer Hudson – Two weeks and counting until the J. Hud backlash begins. Everyone knows your career starts spiraling downward the minute you finish your Oscar acceptance speech. Just ask Nicole Kidman, Julia Roberts and Catherine Zeta-Jones — to say nothing of Anna Paquin, Mira Sorvino and Whoopi Goldberg.
Red Hot Chili Peppers – Tell me I’m not crazy, but Anthony Kiedis was hot once, right? Now he just looks like Hilary Swank. And you know the women in the audience were not having all that confetti/feathers in their weaves. Hells to the no!
Al Gore – Um…excuse me, but let’s not forget it was Al’s wife, Tipper, who started the PMRC (Parent’s Music Resource Center) back in the 80s to censor music. So continue being carbon-free, but save your whole ‘I love music’ crap for someone who cares.
Scarlett Johansson – Brooke Hogan’s look done correctly. Since it’s a Hollywood law that when one celeb pop tart checks into rehab another one gets her wings, the part of Lindsey Lohan will now be played by Scarlett. And she’s on her way to a great start: breaking up w/one celeb boyfriend (Hartnett), then hooking up with another in public (JT), and now recording an album. Looks like it’s T minus 10 and counting until we see her cookie-o-puss.
Melissa Rivers – Was that her dress or was she late getting back from her mani/pedi/chin wax in Little Tokyo? Konnichiwa. Bangs by Alicia Keys.
Ryan Seacrest – aka the red carpet punching bag. What are we gonna do about this little bird shouldered boy? Someone needs to tell him that these celebs aren’t really his friends. You are not one of them. Impostor. Like a contest winner.
Madonna – No, she wasn’t there, but it’s been 25 years since her first single, “Everybody,” was released and Madonna Louise Veronica Ciccone Penn Ritchie is still winning Grammys. Even though it wasn’t televised (only about 10% of categories are), Madge took home Best Electronic Dance album. She may be a crazy wannabe British Kabbalist baby stealer, but I still love her. Sorry.
Ya se acabó!