Golden Globes | J.LO | The Johnny Lopez

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In the name of the Pia, and of the Madonna and of the Holy Gaga.

Thanks be to the Hollywood Foreign Press.

Amen.

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With the Golden Globes this weekend, Hollywood will most likely play it safe for the show’s annual red carpet on Sunday.

But on Saturday, it seemed the film and TV elite gave their stylists a much needed night off and were left to their own devices to attend the wardrobe & weave malfunction-palooza that was the Art of Elysium gala.

While the event did honor avant garde fashion legend Vivienne Westwood, these B-list stars – and Johnny Depp – just looked downright strange.

Juliette

1. Juliette Lewis – As the Megyn Kelly of Scientology (aka the one you excuse for her affiliation with a batshit crazy org), I fully support whatever role on Once Upon a Time she’s trying to land. #XenuPrincess

Amber

2. Amber Heard & Johnny Depp prove that despite their combined fortunes, box office flops and 23-year age gap, it’s still a very thin line between Hollywood hipster couple and Real Housewives of New Jersey cast. #fuggeddaboutit

Kaley

3. Kaley Cuoco and sister Briana Cuoco – Forget what she’s wearing (no, really!), because  I bet many of us have never really realized just how much visibility the Big Bang Theory star is bringing to non-white actors everywhere. #OITNB

Zendaya

4. Zendaya – Isn’t it better to have your weave smell like patchouli oil and weed than Rite-Aid sale rack?! #WigInABag

Malin

5. Malin Ackerman – With Madonna causing a scene across town at Sean Penn‘s Haiti benefit, Malin stood in for the Material Mom by donning her best “Express Yourself” wig drag. Don’t go for second best baby!

Ed

6. Ed Westwick – I think the Gossip Girl star was drugged, because how else do you explain the Cosby sweater suit & the highlighted tips?! #ChessKing

ChristinaH

7. Christina Hendricks is giving you Mia Farrow at the AVN Porn Awards realness. #FreeSoonYi

Bella

8. Bella Thorne – It’s obvious she drank the Vivienne Westwood purple Kool-Aid. Unfortunately, this teenage Cuban-American Disney princess is about as punk rock as Green Day.

Paz

9. Paz Vega – At some point in the last decade, the Spanglish star (‘memba that?!) transitioned from Penelope Cruz’s twin into Anne Hathaway’s. #AyDiosMio

Milian

10. Raven-Symone has never looked so good! DAYUM! Oh wait, it’s actually Christina Milian. Carry on.

Stay tuned for the Golden Globes recap … perhaps.

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Ten Things learned watching the 2015 Golden Globes:

1. With it being their final hosting appearance, Tina Fey & Amy Poehler were already missed … for basically disappearing after their opening monologue. #themargaretchoshow

2. It was the year of the heartfelt ‘this is bigger than me’ minority speech following wins by the gorgeous Gina Rodriguez, Transparent, Jeffrey Tambor, Common, Kevin Spacey and Matt Bomer.

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3. Bronzer is the new Black as Channing Tatum, Justin Theroux and Adam Levine attended the Golden Glows.

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4. 50 Shades of Grey is even more doomed than originally thought because Dakota Johnson and Jamie Dornan had as much sexual chemistry on stage as Kate Mara and Kevin Spacey.

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5. Melissa McCarthy eschewed a limo and arrived on the Mayflower.

6. The real cause of all the celebrity perspiration wasn’t faulty air conditioning but Whitney Houston. Since the awards are held at the scene of her 2012 death, the late diva made sure to give everyone in the Beverly Hilton the infamous ‘Whitney sweats.’ Hell to the Globes!

Melissa_McCArthy

7. Jennifer Lopez, Salma Hayek, Jane Fonda, Jennifer Aniston, Jared Leto, Robert Downey Jr. and Paul Rudd have been inducted into The John Stamos Academy for Looking Better Than You Did in 1996. Don’t ask. Don’t tell.

8. Michael Keaton is the comeback story of the year a la Mickey Rourke in The Wrestler, which means he has about five years until his face morphs into a melted Play-doh Michael Myers Halloween mask.

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9. Prince has essentially become Tyler Perry’s Mrs. Roper.

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10. The deprogramming worked… Katie Holmes has been completely reanimated and successfully assimilated back into the human race. Mission Possible. Holy shit! But where’s Suri?!

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Benedict Cumberbatch – If Best Actor winner Eddie Redmayne goes missing it won’t take Alan Turing – or Sarah Koenig – to figure out who did it. #serial

Jennifer Aniston – Always the bridesmaid, never the bride was never truer than by the looks of her black sequined catering hall chic. Props for attempting her best Jolie Leg™.

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Margaret Cho – All signs are pointing to Cho’s agents as the real culprits behind the SONY hack. Welcome back, Marg!

Jennifer Lopez & Jeremy Renner – Nothing like calling out J.Lo’s boobs to deflect the fact that your estranged wife is divorcing you for FRAUD! Also, interesting that he plays Hawkeye yet she’s the one that looked like an Avenger.

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Kristen Wiig – Serving Vera Fermiga realness. She and Bill Heder are obviously hysterical but if the Hollywood crowd inside the Hilton can’t muster up more than a few chuckles then the Internets hope that they host next year seems futile. Not Todaaaay!

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Common and John Legend – Yes and yes! #EggplantFridays came early this week.

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Matt Bomer – Giving us true rainbow pride with his blue tux AND the reddish purple hair.

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The Affair – Thinking the Showtime series is better than Game Of Thrones or House of Cards only further proves how ridiculous the 80 odd members of the Hollywood Foreign Press really are. The Pia Zadora Golden Globes curse lives! (look it up, Millennials).

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Ruth Wilson – Apparently, Melissa McCarthy wasn’t the only one who repurposed her outfit from the remnants section of JoAnn Fabrics.

Robin Wright – Claire Underwood was ROBBED. She will cut you.

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Kevin Spacey – At least he can finally be out and proud about being a Golden Globe winner.

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Kate Mara – She, hands down, was the sexiest beard of the night. Honorable mention: Conchita Wurst.

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Kevin Hart – The black Gilbert Gottfried. Stop screaming at me! Fun fact: He wasn’t in Selma or Salma.

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Kate Hudson – BODY. This is the best thing she’s been in since Almost Famous.

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Jeffrey Tambor – And that’s how you give an acceptance speech when winning a superficial award for portraying a disenfranchised character with serious subject matter. cc: Matthew McConaughey

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Patricia Arquette – Finally getting the respect she should have received twenty years ago for True Romance.

PAtricia

Lily Tomlin & Jane Fonda – Love them both but the plastic surgeon is the only one still working 9 to 5 … and all without a Dolly Parton sighting.

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Adrien Brody – I see Steve Carrel returned his Foxcatcher Kidman Nose™ to its rightful owner.

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Lupita & Colin Farrell – With apologies to Silverlake, Brooklyn and the entire San Francisco Bay area … but this how you successfully pull off nerd glasses and a porn stache.

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Jake Gyllenhaal – Amen.

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Paul Rudd & Adam Levine – Can you guess which one is ten years older than the other? Call People magazine, because we have found the new Sexiest AntMan Alive.

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Catherine Zeta-Jones – She’s back. Healthy, stable and slightly refreshed. She’s Demi Moore but with an elderly boy-toy.

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David Duchovny – He’s 54. The truth is out there and I wan’t to know what it is!

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George Clooney & Amal – I’m waiting for her secret degree from Yale Drama to be uncovered because this has to be an act.

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Owen Wilson – The Owen is the It hairdo for blonde lesbians everywhere.

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Chris Pratt & Anna Faris – They actually do have a mixed marriage; she’s a film starlet turned sitcom star and he’s a television actor turned blockbuster hunk. Divorce imminent.

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Channing Tatum – The AMBER ALERT has been issued.

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Matthew McConaughey – The downside of the McConaissance is that his looks were banished to the Dark Ages.

Julianne Moore – I mean, c’mon! Can we all stop the Aniston Cake nonsense and just give everything to JMo already?

Julianne

Gwyneth Paltrow – Was there a Goop post about revisiting the wardrobe department from View From the Top that I missed?

Gwyneth

Jessica Chastain – Looked amazing and sexy. This is what all the Real Housewives of Orange County/New Jersey/Miami/Van Nuys aspire to be.

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Lana Del ReySummertime Sadness in January. She took a wrong turn off Coldwater Canyon and wound up in the Valley …of the Dolls.

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Frances McDormand – The reason she looked so grumpy was because she left her award winning jean jacket back at home in New York.

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Je suis Charlie.

Fin.

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Things learned watching the 71st Annual Golden Globe Awards:

1. Tina Fey & Amy Poehler: The Sequel was even better than the first.

2. Jacqueline Bisset is the recipient of this year’s Elizabeth Taylor Gladiator Memorial Award.

3. What would really be “brave” is if hetero actors received some sensitivity training before accepting their awards for playing gay characters. Am I mincing, Michael?

4. Orange is the new crack! Bronzer has taken over as the drug of choice for Hollywood’s male stars. (Bradley, Leo, Channing, Liam, Pine, Farrell etc ..) Just say no!

5. With so many emaciated slicked heads running amok, the red carpet hairdos looked more like a wildlife triage center after the Gulf spill.

6. Only nine months until Halloween and Jennifer Lawrence’s coffee filter chic is the new Miley VMAs.

7. ‘Brooklyn Nine Nine’s’ win is so sketchy and controversial that authorities are checking Gov. Christie’s emails for clues.

8. That Brooklyn accented girl in ‘Wolf of Wall St. ‘(Margot Robbie) is Australian? Get the f*ck outta here!

9.Emma Thompson is Absolutely Fabulous, sweetie darling.

10. The craziest thing about Diane Keaton last night, besides everything, is that she looks like skinny Paula Deen.

Not being able to watch the Golden Globes live sucked. Don’t ask.

Anyway, after staying off Twitter and Facebook for what seemed like an eternity, here are some more random thoughts about last night’s show.

As always, feel free to send me your words and comments.

xo

-Johnny Lopez

Sandra Bullock — 50 & fabulous. She’s defying gravity with her flawless face. But that dress should be lost in space. RIP color blocking, please.

Lupita Nyong’o — Perfection. This is how you make your Hollywood entrance. Though every time I hear her first name, I keep thinking my 95-year-old aunt in Hialeah is going to come into the room. Tia?

Julia Roberts — Reporting for work at Deloitte & Touche. This is what Shelby Eatenton Latcherie would look like had she lived! Drink yer juice, gurl!

Jacqueline Bisset — I actually don’t think her speech was that insane considering she was shocked and had probably just finished her fourth gin and tonic. Plus, she wasn’t the only one who thought they’d never give it to an older actress for work on a show on STARZ! I bet Sofia Vergara said crazier shit when her name wasn’t called. Between the win and being name dropped by Lisa Vanderpump on Real Housewives last week, Jackie is definitely having a moment.

Hayden Panettiere — or was it Sharon Stone’s lesbian lover Roxy in Basic Instinct??

Megan Mullally — She’s a little old to be playing Velma from Scooby Doo, don’t you think?

Elizabeth Moss — for the Scientolo-win.

Matt Damon — is BRAVE.

Margot Robbie — Jamie Pressly 2.0, perfected for film.

Gwyneth Paltrow — I wonder what GOOP.com would say about drinking out of plastic water bottles?

Paula Patton — For once that really annoying white mass glued to her side wasn’t Robin Thicke.

Liev Schreiber — Sexy. Zac Efron in 20 years.

Michael Douglas — is BRAVE.

Alex Ebert  from Edward Sharpe & the Magnetic Zeros (the guy who won for Best Score) — He won for ‘All Is Lost’ but was totally representing for LINCOLN.  Congratulations! Partying on a boat with Diddy is the holy grail of hipster doucheism. Somewhere in a high rise in Williamsburg they are erecting his statue.

Bono — Speaking of douche, enough with the Dame Edna glasses already. And now that Guy Oseary is working with U2, how long before we $ee a Bono & Madonna duet?

Diddy — Do not try to hug Bono. EVER.

Taylor Kinney — The weirdest thing about Lady Gaga is that she’s dating a hot frat boy who looks like he should be on ‘Vanderpump Rules.’

Amber Heard — Keeping the Jolie Leg safely in hot bisexual territory.

Rob Lowe — Rockin’ the One Direction hair … for men.  Zac Efron in 15 months.

Jon Voight — It’s not an award show until his white scarf shows up.

Robert Downey Jr — I’ll have whatever drugs he was on in the 90s! He and his career have never looked better.  Hold on, Lindsay. Hold on!

Kyra Sedgwick & Kevin Bacon — Kyra has some ‘splaining to do because daughter Sosie (Miss Golden Globe) looks more like Khloe Kardashian than any other Kardashian!

Robin Wright — House of double stick tape! Love her and her sideboob! Divorcing Sean Penn does wonders for a woman’s career. It’s all about CLAIRE Underwood, people.

Jim Carrey — ‘memba him?

Jared Leto — Now we know he did BRAVE drag for the role, but who is responsible for the man bun?

Colin Farrell — Loving his reaction during Jared’s acceptance speech. Jared makes one movie in 6 years and gets an award … without having to go to rehab or suffer through an unnecessary Total Recall reboot first! It could have been him up there … if only “Mary Poppins” author P.L. Travers’ father had been a transgender person with AIDS.

Emma Thompson — She’s a grown woman. She can do whatever she wants.

Spike Jonze —  it’s all about HIM. so cute.

Laura Dern — in American Hustle 2: Electric Hair-aloo. Fantastic.

Andy Samberg — The secret to having an award-winning comedy series… have a FOX executive write a check to the Hollywood Foreign Press.

Chris Pine — Yes, please.

Emma Watson — Every guy in the world has a chance with Emma, because if she’ll wear pants under a gown on a red carpet, then she can be talked into doing absolutely anything.

Frances McDormand — spotted … at the Plymouth Rock Globes. Nothing beats her denim jacket at the Tonys that year. Nothing.

Emma Stone — Styling by Anne of Green Gables

Mariel Hemingway — Hey girl. How you doing?

Diane Keaton — Coming soon, the Mia Farrow smackdown outside Zabars. At least one riddle was solved tonight: why she usually wears gloves!

Ben Affleck — The success bloat is back.

Bradley Cooper — is BRAVE, er, oops, never mind.

Alfonso Cuaron — Viva Mexico!

Chris Evans — Captain America has hair plugs?

Inside Llewyn Davis — All this time I thought the main star (Oscar Isaac) was David Krumholtz from Numb3rs. For reals. On top of that, Oscar (last name Hernandez) is hot in real life and Cuban. Crazy!

Cate Blanchett — The last vestiges of old Hollywood glamour… minus that kinda snarky Drew Barrymore comment.

Jessica Chastain — She left her hair dye in for zero dark thirty minutes too long.

Matthew McConaughey — He beat out Chiwetel Ejiofor. Really? Well, Matt was also 12 years a slave … to his romcom past.

Johnny Depp — Girlfriend Amber Heard must really love lesbians, how else to explain dressing Johnny like a late 90s Ellen Degeneres?

Sarah Paulson — is the Bette Davis of America?” Whatchu talking about Steve McQueen?

 

Things learned watching the 2012 Golden Globes:

1. By bringing back a fingerless glove, crucifix and her black roots, Madonna proved her face isn’t the only old thing that’s new again.
2. The one person funnier than Melissa McCarthy… is her stylist.
3. Sidney Poitier is the new Kirk Douglas.
4. Apparently, Jane Fonda found the Fountain of Youth on Golden Pond.
5. Despite everything he’s done musically and all his AIDS charity work, if Elton John doesn’t chill and loosen up his girdle, he’ll just be remembered as a bitter old queen.
6. It’s 1999 again because Harvey Weinstein really is back on top.
7. Kelly Osbourne’s hair needs to be put down.
8. Sofia Vergara’s days may be numbered, because Salma’s back!
9. Ryan Gosling not showing up is cruel and unusual punishment.
10. Zooey Deschanel has sideburns.

It was the Washout Globes. From all the blah beige gowns to all the blah non-standout moments, this year’s Golden Globes were as funny and original as an episode of “Whitney.”

You know the drill. Here’s my two cents, so feel free to send me yours!

–Johnny Lopez

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Things learned watching the 2011 Golden Globes:

1. Nolan Miller must be dressing Hollywood again because I haven’t seen that many shoulder pads, sequins and sparkle since Dynasty’s Moldavian massacre.
2. I’m going to miss Ricky Gervais.
3. Christina Aguilera needs a water pill.
4. Tilda Swinton and Helena Bonham Carter need a reality show together.
5. With wins by Glee, Chris Colfer, Jane Lynch, Jim Parsons, Burlesque, Kids Are All Right, Annette Bening, and Scott Rudin, the Globes were so gay (and I mean that in a great way!) they made the Tonys look like a Yes on 8 rally.
6. Natalie Portman’s laugh will haunt your nightmares.
7. No matter what Sandy says, Scarlett Johansson and Sandra Bullock were kept on opposite ends of the telecast for a reason.
8. “Social Network” will probably win an Oscar, as MySpace gets ready to fold. It’s crazy how things change in 5 years … just ask Jennifer Lopez’s career.

As always, send me your thoughts and comments to thejohnnylopez@gmail.com

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Things learned watching the 2010 Golden Globes:

1. Nobody – especially the staff at the Beverly Hills Hilton — watches weather reports in Los Angeles.
2. Screw an Oscar or a private jet, in Hollywood it’s all about your umbrella assistant!
3. Everybody had ruffles on their dresses, and I don’t mean the potato chips on Precious’ gown.
4. Blame Snooki, but orange bronzer is the new Pandora blue.
5. All a celebrity needs to do to not feel guilty for spending $5000 on an outfit, riding in a limo and drinking bottles of Dom in the middle of a world crisis is … slap on a pin.
6. After being exhumed from the LaBrea Tar Pits and injected with 1000 cc of formaldehyde, Cher has miraculously become her own Avatar.
7. If Mo’Nique, Drew Barrymore and Sandra Bullock can win acting awards, so can you.
8. That guy who co-wrote (not directed) “Up in the Air” is kinda sorta hot.
9. Due to the weather, arrivals should have been held underneath Mariah Carey’s boobs.
10. With Avatar and The Hangover winning, the Globes have officially become the Kids Choice Awards. Somebody slime Julia Roberts, stat!

I love the Globes because it’s the one award show where the biggest stars of film and TV sit in the same room … and totally ignore each other. So whether you watched or not, I’m sending you my recap. Feel free to send me know your thoughts, comments and observations at thejohnnylopez@gmail.com. Until the SAG Awards next week!

-Johnny Lopez

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Things learned from watching the 2009 Golden Globes:

1. The only thing the Globes love more than Kate Winslet is a rehabbed star’s comeback. With Mickey Rourke and Colin Farrell taking home gold, all that was missing was for Britney Spears to win an award.

2. Sting going brown is the most traumatic television hair event to happen since Felicity cut off her curly locks.

3. Renee Zellweger and Drew Barrymore must have the same dealer. How else do you explain the fact that they both thought they were going to the Oil Baron’s Ball in Dallas?

4. “Slumdog Millionaire” is this year’s “Little Miss Sunshine,” only more plausible and with less coinky dinks than “Crash.”

5. “Milk” and Sean Penn were robbed.

6. Kate Capshaw is like Katie Holmes minus all the brainswashing. Some day her husband will allow her to act in a movie again.

7. The Great Ryan Seacrest/Brangelina Chase and Snub of ’09 may be the only thing you see on TV this year funnier than “30 Rock” or “Summer Heights High.”

8. Having the Jonas Bros. present should do a bang up job of boosting the tween ticket sales of crowd-pleasing mall flicks like “The Reader” and “Frost/Nixon.”

9. J.Lo opened the show and Tom Cruise closed it, Scientology deprogramming begins now!

Send any feedback to me at thejohnnylopez@gmail.com or check out www.johnnylopez.com

Enjoy!

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2007 Golden Globes – 1/16/07

by Johnny Lopez

Things I learned from the 2007 Golden Globe Awards:

1.The bowtie is dead. Long live the black regular tie.
2.Red, red lips make most women look clownish—at least on television.
3.Metallic dresses are great for walking the runways of the Westside Piers and the corner of Highland + Santa Monica Blvd.
4.As seen by the influx of white dresses, The Druids are controlling the Hollywood fashion biz.
5.Don’t let Warren Beatty speak.
6.People actually watch “Monk,” “House” and “The Closer.”

With the world of TV and film coming together at the Globes, it makes for a lengthy recap. (Sorry Greg!). Check out pics here: Wire Image

Send any comments or feedback to me at:

thejohnnylopez@gmail.com

Until the SAG Awards on Sunday, Jan. 28th.

-Johnny Lopez

Jennifer Love Hewitt – Apparently, the” Ghost Whisperer” couldn’t hear fashion advice as she opted for this brown quincenera dress. Felicidades!

Sienna Miller – Her Roman inspired gown left her looking like an ancient ruin. Didn’t Diane Krueger (remembah huh?) wear the same dress last year? Is “Factory Girl” ever coming out?

Patricia Arquette – Patricia may play a “Medium” –but she still needs an Extra Large.

Rosanna Arquette – Her black lacy funeral dress officially ushers in the death of her career. Yet again.

Gillian Anderson – Hopefully the truth is out there as to who styled Gillian Anderson’s scary outfit.

Jean Smart – Looking like a goth secretary boarding the Staten Island Ferry to her job at PriceWaterhouseCooper!

Jeremy Irons – Sporting the latest from Steven Seagal’s Last Samurai Collection.

Jay Manuel – (he co-hosted E!’s red carpet) – Leslie Uggams is that you? Channeling Lestat in his International Male catalog velvet blazer/pirate shirt atrocity. Hair by Brigitte Nielsen.

Geena Davis – Her satin aqua smock gave me the blues. What time does her La Cage Aux Folles performace start?

Rinko Kikuci (Babel) – Gwen finally let one of her Harajuko girls out on her own! Sadly, the pink faerie nightie was even more confusing than “Babel.”

Sharon Stone (w/sunglasses on) – Sharon wears her sunglasses at night and showcases her trademark brand of crazy to the world.

Beyonce – From Dreamgirl to Showgirls! She got her freak ‘um dress straight from the sale rack of House of Derriere! The gold metallic hoochie number seemed more appropriate for “Flava of Love” than the Globes. She should win an award solely for acting so moved during Hudson’s win. One good thing – only 36 horses had to die to make her weave! Luckily, neither Swank nor Melissa Rivers were involved.

Cameron Diaz – Cameron D’s froo-froo dress had so many bells and whistles, you could hear it coming a mile away. Run! Someone throw Celine’s backwards tux jacket on her, stat! Bring back the blonde Cameron we all know and (except for JT) love! Red lip victim.

Prince – Still sporting that Linda Dano weave I see. His yellow suit looked great — for the “Golden Girls!” The missing link between androgynous rockers and Boca Raton mah jongg players. Actually, I know his stylist, and you won’t find a nicer salesgirl in any Talbot’s!

Will Ferrell – I didn’t mind his 70s ‘fro. I just didn’t know he was dating All My Children’s male-to-female transsexual, Zarf.

George Clooney – Perfection.

Jennifer Hudson – Yes, we all love her. I mean, who doesn’t love a Cinderella story? But just remember, acting powerhouses like Pia Zadora and Madonna have both ‘won’ Golden Globes too! I just hope this doesn’t give Kelly Clarkson or Bo Bice any ideas!

Justin Timberlake – If I were JT I wouldn’t be so quick to mock Prince. Cross the Purple One and risk being banished off the face of the earth. Don’t believe me? Then explain the whereabouts of Vanity, Apollonia, Sheila E., Morris Day, Diamond & Pearl, and the entire Revolution!

Adrien Grenier – Proves a good shearing can do a boy some good.

Tina Fey – Great dress for a friend’s wedding, but not a red carpet event.

David Spade – The Rachel didn’t look good on Aniston, let alone on a pixie of a man. I’m talking to you too, Keith Urban.

Naomi Watts – She needs to flash her Britney bits or get a DUI if she wants to be more memorable. Hey Nomi, Kitson is just east of the Beverly Hills Hilton.

Renee Zellweger – 10 years since “Jerry Maguire,” and she still hasn’t removed the lemon wedge lodged inside her mouth! Will she ever be happy?

Jessica Biel – Looked so hot that I’ll almost forget the abomination that was “Home of the Brave.” Her body is the only thing harder than Sharon Stone’s forehead.

Emily Blunt – It was a big night for Ms. Blunt, especially when she got home and found Anne Hathaway waiting in her darkened living room… boiling a rabbit.

Meryl Streep – The Devil Wears BLAHda. I don’t expect her to wear cutting edge couture, but as the most talented American actress out there, and after starring in a film about fashion, can we at least get La Streep a flattering dress??? There’s nothing chic about looking like a teacher at Hogwarts.

Ben Stiller – A long, long time ago, in a galaxy, far, far away I found Ben Stiller funny. It seems only appropriate that he is morphing into Ted Danson. Raise your hand if you ever saw an episode of “Becker?” If you paid money to see “A Night at the Museum” then the terrorists have already won.

Salma Hayek – Didn’t love the white dress but when you look like Salma not even a bad frock can make you look bad.

Eddie Murphy – The one person Eddie didn’t thank – Shalomar! Oh right, he/she died shortly after Murphy picked her up on Santa Monica Blvd in ’97. I can see why he may be confused, but someone needs to tell him to stop hitting on Hudson and Beyonce. They aren’t drag queens… I think.

Sarah Jessica Parker – In that gold metallic dress she looked like she was starring in “Paid Sex and the City.”

Helen Mirren – All hail the Queen and cue Montell Jordan cuz this is how we do it! Flawless. All the Beverly Hills-ensteins take note: Mirren is the REAL thing. Elderly cleavage never looked so good!

Jake Gyllenhaal – He really is a Dream, girl! One year later and he’s still playing a gay cowboy by riding in on his horse, Hilary Swank.

Hilary Swank – Two Oscars and she goes and makes “Freedom Writers?” She’s just begging to star in a cable series.

Vanessa Williams – You’re on in five, Miss Ross! The hair! The fur! Diva! Crazy but I loved it. Valedictorian at Sharon Stone Beauty Academy.

Tim Allen – Apparently, Tim hasn’t watched TV since Home Improvement got cancelled, because Alec Baldwin is on “30 Rock” not “3 rd Rock,” as he erroneously mentioned.

Clint Eastwood – He’s come a long way since co-starring w/an orangutan in “Every Which Way But Loose.” See, there is hope for Matt LeBlanc! I hear Eastwood’s next film is semi-autobiographical and takes place during Clint’s teenage years in the Civil War. Not even Dirty Harry can look tough in a white bowtie.

Hugh Grant – Was Divine Brown backstage? Because he looked like he got it on with something right before he presented with Drew.

Drew Barrymore – Jennifer Lopez is that you? Gorgeous! Hot, tan and svelte. Complete redemption for her Green Saggy Boob Debacle of ’06.

John Stamos – A Greek god. The fact that he’s single makes me question Rebecca Romijn’s mental faculties.

America Ferrara – As Charlize and Kidman can attest, if you want to play ugly in Hollywood, then you better be pretty! “Ugly Betty” is the final nail in the “Desp Housewives” closet. Done.

Maria Menounos – Proves the only thing more awkward than being Rosie O’Donnell’s bikini waxer is interviewing celebs as they come offstage and asking them how they feel. How do you think they feel, Einstein?

Tom Hanks – Thank god he got rid of that “DaVinci” do, but did he have to give it to Clay Aiken? Where was Rita Wilson? Don’t tell me she was busy, because none of the nail salons in the Palisades stay open past 7pm.

Ken Watanabe – I know he’s Japanese, but did he have to bring his geisha with him? I mean, Trump brought his whore with him too, but at least he left his butler at home.

Warren Beatty – His acceptance speech was courtesy of BABBLE. It made Dick Clark seem like Barack Obama. To think Madonna was hitting that 17 years ago. That’s right, SEVENTEEN years ago!

Annette Bening – Drink Sue Ellen, Drink. Even when not up against Swank, she still can’t win. In that dress, she had everyone wondering what time the sack races started.

Steven Spielberg – Where was Kate Capshaw, you ask? See Rita Wilson.

Reese Witherspoon – Kellie Pickler, what have you done with Ms. Witherspoon?! She seems so much lighter having lost those last 180 lbs, aka Ryan Phillippe. If Jake G. isn’t screwing her on the set of their new film, then he really is gay.

Sacha Baron Cohen – the male Ugly Betty. I liiiike!

Jennifer Lopez – Gorge! I can excuse the bad films, the diva behavior, the cheesy MTV dance show, even her runt husband. But if she turns into a Cruisazy Scientologist, we will have to take her out—Lady Di style. Leah Remini must be stopped.

David Arquette – When did he become the prettiest Arquette?

Philip Seymour Hoffman – in Kaput.

Brangelina – Granted it was Brad’s night, but she can’t play the whole ‘I don’t care for these events’ card while dressed in couture and blood diamonds, let alone the 12 lbs of cover up used to hide her trashy tattoos. With her Benetton brood at capacity, now she just needs to adopt a new attitude.

Forrest Whitaker – Nice guy, great performance and gorgeous wife, but the fact that he starred in “Battlefield Earth” scares me more than Idi Amin.

Arnold Schwarzenegger – You know the Hollywood Foreign Press didn’t want to play the Red States/Blue States game by bestowing an award on Warren Beatty without giving the Governator airtime too.

Penelope Cruz – Between her and Angelina, Ryan Seacrest got no love last night. A man should never ask a lady about her beard. I don’t care if it is as cute as Orlando Bloom.

Kate Winslet – With her possible 5th Oscar nom, she is on her way to becoming the Susan Lucci of the Academy Award. Another red lipstick victim.

Will & Jada-Pinkett Smith – Even Will would look more feminine in that peach dress than she did.

Aaron Eckhart – Hot!

Toni Collette – Unrecognizable! Should Cameron Diaz not be able to fulfill her duties, Miss Collette will be crowned the new Cameron Diaz.

Abigail Breslin – I heard Abigail and Dakota Fanning had a big fight at Chuck E. Cheese last night over Freddie Highmore, but he wound up leaving with Bindi Irwin to go to Hannah Montana’s after hours.

Ben Affleck – He’s back to looking hot. Interesting that he and J.Lo both downgraded after their breakup. Is that The Gigli effect?

Jen Garner – That white dress was the worst thing she’s been in since “Elektra” or “Daredevil” or “13 Going on 30” or…

Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu – (director of Babel) – Salma, Ugly Betty, Penelope, J.Lo, Volver, Pan’s Labyrinth, Alfonso Cuaron’s Children of Men – The Hispanics are taking ovah! Coño!

“Heroes”cast – “Lost,” who? The first season isn’t over and Ali Larter has already begun losing weight. She does look great though.

Ellen Pompeo – Calista Zellweger or Renee Flockhart. You decide.

Patrick Dempsey – I am officially McOver him. Next.

Michael C. Hall – The anti-metrosexual. He actually got hotter going from playing a gay man in “Six Feet Under” to playing a straight murderer in “Dexter.”

Elizabeth Perkins – Something’s wrong. She’s hot and hip in “Weeds” and a marm in real life. It’s Ugly Liz.

Jeremy Piven – Hollywood’s Chia Pet. Miraculously, his hair just keeps growing and growing.

Chloe Sevigny – A definite improvement for her, but still didn’t love it. A perfect dress – for dinner at Captain Steubing’s table.

Teri Hatcher – She got 0.00 media coverage. Yep, she’s back to has-been.

Steven Cojocaru – The Rachel strikes yet again!

Ryan Seacrest – He’s great at interviewing celebs to sleep. Bring back Kathy Griffin and Isaac Mizrahi!

Favorite Joanism – Rivers asking 10-year-old Abigail Breslin what her beauty regimen is.

Favorite Melissa moment – When she finally galloped off screen.