Emmys | J.LO | The Johnny Lopez

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Things learned watching the The 65th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards:

1. The Emmys are so obsessed with death that Ryan Murphy is giving them their own “American Horror Story” season next year.

2. “Modern Family,” Julia-Louis Dreyfus and Jim Parsons need to take themselves out of Emmy consideration. You should be allowed two wins for the same role and then g-bye!

3. Sarah Paulson from “American Horror Story” was robbed.

4. Anna Faris’ new sitcom will never be as funny as her hair & dress last night. Yikes!

5. The Jon Hamm era is officially over, because it’s all about Bobby Cannavale now.

6. Either Kathy Bates or that woman from “The Weakest Link” will one day win an Emmy for the Showtime biopic “The Elton John Story.”

7. If anyone deserves to win an acting award for “Behind the Candelabra” it should really be the HBO wig department.

8. The name Merritt Wever.

9. It’s a good thing Shemar Moore is pretty.

10. Sorry Ron Burgundy fans, but someone needs to make Will Ferrell stop. Like now.

With a tragic reminder of JFK’s assassination, 5 show-stopping death spotlights, the prerequisite In Memoriam tribute, a “Homeland” writer’s posthumous win, Elton John’s snore song about the late Liberace and a coma-inducing performance by Carrie Underwood, the only way the Emmys could have been any more morbid was if they had featured “Walking Dead” extras as seat fillers. If only!

Neil Patrick Harris — How does he do it? I mean, name another gay man that can dance, tell jokes, play straight when he has to and still look good in a suit? Um, on second thought …

Tina Fey & Amy Poehler — Screw Hillary Clinton, they got my vote.

Merritt Wever — Her 11 word acceptance speech did what “Nurse Jackie” couldn’t … make her famous.

Tony Hale — Julia Louis Dreyfus’ acceptance speech did what “Veep” couldn’t … make him famous.

Jon Hamm — He has the hottest beard … next to Kevin Spacey’s date of course. I kid. I kid. Kevin actually brought his longtime (business) partner, Dana Brunetti. Talk amongst yourselves.

Julia Louis Dreyfus — Kudos for having officially turned “Seinfeld” into just another credit on her resume.

Will Arnett — AMBER Alert!

Melissa Leo — She’s won an Oscar & an Emmy but somehow is still being styled by Jiminy Cricket.

Sofia Vergara — From “Chasing Papi” obscurity to highest paid television actress in just ten years. Eva Longoria say what??

Matt Damon — Catherine Zeta-Jones isn’t the only person not getting an award for f*cking Michael Douglas.

Michael Douglas — With gay innuendo, estranged spouses and incarcerated children, was that an acceptance speech or a Netflix series pitch meeting?

Connie Britton — In keeping with the “Behind the Candelabra” theme, she wore vintage Liberace velvet upholstery.

Mark Burnett — Praise the Lord he won for “The Voice” and not “The Bible.”

Diahann Carroll & Kerry Washington — Two gorgeous ladies serving a little TV history lesson for the children. While Diahann made waves with her groundbreaking sitcom “Julia,” it really is all about Dominique Deveraux and Olivia Pope. And the real scandal … Diahann is 78!!

Bobby Cannavale — Loved him since “Third Watch” but damn he’s really grown into a fine ass man. Besides dating the gorgeous Rose Byrne, another fun fact: He’s half Italian and Cuban… which makes total sense, I mean who wouldn’t want a slice of his platano.

Julianna Margulies & Dylan McDermott — They look great together & would be perfect in a romcom … if only they could play leads in theatrical movies.

Jeff Daniels — He better be careful, Walter White just put a hit out on him.

Claire Danes — She’ll always be Temple Grandin to me.

Heidi Klum — Singlehandedly has made strapless turtleneck gowns the new fetch. Auf Wiedersehen.

Derek Hough — Yes, we could all make jokes for days about the fact that Julianne Hough’s brother has an Emmy and insert celebrity name here does not. But the honest truth is that the choreography segment was the most entertaining portion of the telecast.  Break a leg, Mr. Hough.

Anna Faris — The Yellow Peril.

Allison Janney — Looked amazing and not just amazing … for her. Just amazing. She should send Anna Faris a thank you card.

Ellen Burstyn — I liked “Political Animals” but everyone knows this award belonged to Sarah Paulson in “AHS:Asylum.”  Don’t f*ck with Lana Winters!

Breaking Bad — The Emmys finally got something right … and I don’t even watch the damn show.

 

Chin Chin

Comments
September 26, 2012 // Emmys, Faces

Emmy Beauty.

2012 Emmys

Comments
September 24, 2012 // Award Shows, Emmys

Things learned watching the 2012 Emmys:

  1. Julianne Moore can do a lot of things, but no one (I’m talking to you Danes & Bowen) can pull off that neon yellow/green bile color. Especially without a golden tan.
  2. “Homeland” cannot win enough awards to redeem Showtime from the human stain on their schedule that is “Gigolos .”
  3. Kerry Washington has a lisp. Who knew?
  4. I don’t want to live in a world where Kristen Wiig will never receive an Emmy for SNL.
  5. Thanks to her Snooki poof on steroids hair don’t, Ashley Judd can rest assured her cheeks are no longer the biggest and puffiest thing about her.
  6. Fans of CBS sitcoms are a lot like Scientologists, you know they are out there but no one has actually met one.
  7. When Damien Lewis goes missing, Jon Hamm and Michael C. Hall should be the first to be questioned.
  8. The camera loves Lena Dunham … when the hot guy on “Revenge” is sitting directly behind her.
  9. “American Horror Story” is a mini-series.

Without movie stars or musicians, the Emmys are generally the most boring of award shows and this year was no different.
Thank God for DVRs.

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2011 Emmys

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September 19, 2011 // Award Shows, Emmys

Things learned watching the 2011 Emmy Awards:

1. I watch way too much reality TV because I’ve never heard about a quarter of these scripted shows. “Detroit 187” who? “Justified” what?
2. If Kate Winslet agrees to do anything on television, you damn well better give her an award.
3. From Julie Bowen to Melissa McCarthy to Peter Dinklage, this year’s winners really did come in all shapes and sizes.
4. They still make TV miniseries.
5. With a record number of musical numbers and gay references, the Emmys are the new Tonys.
6. And on the seventh day God created … Sofia Vergara.
7. Michael Bolton performances should come with a warning, ear plugs and a five second delay.
8. I have a new celebrity crush/obsession – newly skinny and hot “Enoturage” star Jerry Ferrara. Wowza!
9. Ellen, Neil Patrick Harris, Queen Latifah, Hugh Jackman and now Jane Lynch – see, only gays can host award shows! That being said, I think Eddie Murphy will do a swell job at the Oscars.
10. They opened a really good Abbey in downtown LA? Who knew?

I interrupt your regularly scheduled episode of “Real Housewives” or “Jersey Shore” to bring you this scripted television award show recap. Feel free to tell me your thoughts, critiques and/or praises!

-Johnny Lopez

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2008 Emmys

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September 22, 2008 // Award Shows, Emmys

Things I Learned from Watching the 2008 Emmy Awards

 

  1. Only shoot Oprah from the breasts up.
  2. Look how many reality show hosts it takes to bore me! Leave the comedy to the professionals.
  3. With no A-list celebs (aka film stars) or musical performances of note (sorry Josh Groban), the Emmys are only slightly less thrilling than CSPAN, but still better than the new “90210.”
  4. You know it’s a bad sign when you’re honestly looking forward to the “In Memoriam” segment. Who’d they miss?
  5. Tina Fey is so awesome, I may have to vote for McCain just make sure she shows up on SNL for the next 4 years.
  6. Josh Groban is to the Emmys what Rob Lowe and Snow White are to the Oscars.
  7. With so many networks, airing so many shows that no one is watching, a lot of the TV stars are about as recognizable as going to somebody else’s high school reunion. Did you have Sister Phyllis? “Saving Grace” who? “House” what?!
  8. I haven’t seen even a single episode, but I am already so over the “Mad Men” hype!
  9. “The Ghost Whisperer” is still on the air.
  10. The Emmys are 60, time for early retirement. RIP.

 

Okay, I know you’re supposed to bitch about awards shows and say they were so boring and lasted forever etc., but that was seriously the most uneventful and least exciting awards show since Art and I sat through the Lauren Holly-hosted L.A. Fashion Awards a few years ago. No joke.  And barring the People’s Choice, I’ll watch just about any awards show – you know it was bad.

 

As always feel free to send me your feedback or comments.

 

-Johnny

thejohnnylopez@gmail.com

johnnylopez.com

 

Oprah – It’s the great pumpkin, Oprah Winfrey. O may remember her spirit, but she forgot about the spanks!

 

Ryan Seacrest, Tom Bergeron, Howie Mandel, Heidi Klum, Jeff Probst – A midget, a dud, a loon, a sexy cheeseball and a missing tie. There’s nothing like a dead skit and the objectification of women to start a show.

 

Tina Fey – All hail the Queen of Comedy. Sarah Palin has done some good – by giving Tina and “30 Rock” some amazing press.

 

Amy Poehler – With apologies to Jean Smart, Amy was robbed! No one deserves a comedy Emmy more.

 

Jeremy Piven – His hair weaver deserves an award too.

 

Julia Louis Dreyfus – The Seinfeld curse lives! What was worse: her Palin ‘do or the Pepto aBismol gown?

 

Jean Smart – Nothing against her. I actually really like her, but please return what is rightfully Amy Poehler’s. And someone get the name of her Botoxologist.

 

The Desperate Housewives – From Dana Delany’s disco dress, Marcia Cross’ awkward length Cinderella gown, Teri Hatcher’s yellow scare, Eva Longoria’s unflattering bowed flapper smock and Nicollette Sheridan’s purple monstrosity, the ladies of Wisteria Lane looked like they rummaged through the Project Runway reject pile. So that’s what Suede has been up to! But Felicity Huffman’s hair looked fab … for a Trans.

 

Ricky Gervais – I can’t believe he saw “Evan Almighty.”

 

Jennifer Love Hewitt – Is no one going to tell her there’s a dead cocker spaniel on her head?

 

Tommy Smothers – If I had been listening, I’d ask him to say his speech again, but this time in English.

 

Josh Groban – In lieu of flowers, please send all donations to the Josh Groban Career Reparations Fund, c/o Reprise Records.

 

Ed McMahon – The Emmys do their part to help the homeless.

 

Alec Baldwin – Praising Tina proves there’s only one thoughtless little pig in the Baldwin fam.

 

Laura Linney – She couldn’t have tried any harder to look more washed out. No lipstick, really?

 

The Laugh-In mess – The smartest thing Goldie Hawn has ever done is not turning up for this sad “tribute.”

 

David Boreanaz  – One minute you’re presenting w/ LC, the next you’re part of a three-episode story arc w/Audrina and Lo.

 

Lauren Conrad – I had as much to do with the dress LC “designed” as she did!

 

Christian Slater – Please take your seat next to Kyra Sedgwick, Holly Hunter, Glenn Close, Laurence Fishburne and the rest of the former film actors resurrected as TV stars.

 

Laurence Fishburne –  And Laurence will show you how to get there. A red tux jacket just screams: Let me show you to your seat, ma’am. I saw Laurence Fisburne at the Nokia Theater – working!

 

William Petersen – Tuxedo compliments of “CSI: A Night at the Roxbury”

 

Kathy Griffin – Don’t know who designed the dress, but her wig was by Ariel’s Little Mermaid Collection.

 

Don Rickles – What does it mean when the funniest man in the theater reeks of formaldehyde?

 

Kate Walsh – Whose idea was it to give the most nondescript actress her own show? Did we learn nothing from Ellen Pompeo??

 

Cynthia Nixon – She’s talented, funny and happy. So who cares if she’s dating a woman who looks like Danny Partridge?

 

Glenn Close, Kyra Sedgwick, Holly Hunter, et al – As far as cable TV is concerned, The Change is good. Now if they could only do something about the hot flashes.

 

Vanessa Williams – Did her pen explode in the limo?

 

America Ferrara – In Wednesday Addams’ prom dress circa 1987. Where’s the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants when you need them?

 

Brooke Shields – Stunning. Brills. Gorge.

 

Jimmy Kimmel – Ouch! Breaking up is hard to do. His face was an even bigger mess than the reality hosts’ monologue.

 

Mary Tyler Moore – Why did she feel the need to flash her Perdue chicken bone arms. Nauseous.

 

Betty White – Thou shalt not say anything bad about a Golden Girl. Best sitcom EVER.

 

Tom Selleck – 30 years later and he’s still rockin’ the Folsom Street porn stache – that’s not a trend, it’s a fetish.

 

30 Rock – The funniest scripted show on TV next to “The Hills.”

 

Mad Men – Now will you watch? Didn’t think so.

2007 Emmys

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September 18, 2007 // Award Shows, Emmys

The recap is back. Work was too nuts last week, so there was no VMA wrap-up. But were words even necessary? God rest her soul.

The Emmy peeps tried to liven up this usually stillborn show by adding musical numbers and setting it in the round. While the cast of “Ugly Betty” might’ve hated seeing everyone’s backs, I actually kind of liked seeing Vanessa Williams (but not her dress) behind every presenter and winner. In the end, no matter how many bells and whistles, comedians and pregnant singers on pianos you add, there’s no way to get around the fact that TV stars ain’t movie stars. Ultimately, no one cares! Plus, with more networks, cable channels and TV shows than ever, all it takes to have a program considered a hit is about 17 viewers. “Cold Case” or “According to Jim,” anyone?

Let me know what you think, betches.

-Johnny

thejohnnylopez@gmail.com

Ryan Seacrest – So reading a total of seven lines counts as hosting. Um… okay. I did love how he managed to insult Sally Field by reciting her TV credits of Gidget, Flying Nun and Brothers and Sisters, thereby reminding her that she’s yet another film actress forced into television to retain SAG benefits! (Please see Glenn Close, Kyra Sedgwick, Mary Louise Parker). How weird will it be in 15 years, when Angelina Jolie and Cameron Diaz both have ABC sitcoms!

Ray Romano – I thought Ryan Seacrest was hosting the show?! His routine should have come with a two drink minimum. Please tip your waitress!

Jeremy Piven – He was the only person wearing more spackle makeup than Lisa Rinna. Hair compliments of Tyra Banks’ new men’s wig line. Unbeweaveable!

Vanessa Williams – Ugly Yeti! – She is one crazy bird. Vanessa hasn’t needed a plucking this bad since her nude pics surfaced in 1984!

America Ferrara – Insert non-Ugly reference here. Further proof that in order to win an award for playing an unattractive, plus-sized girl, you better work your ass off to not be one in real life. I love that she is the poster girl for REAL women — just because the only ribs she’s showing are on her plate — not protruding through her gown.

Terry O’Quinn – (won something for LOST) While the pink shirt and sparkly tie were curious, he does have a wife, but she is much heavier than he — like in a Hugh Jackman and his maid/wife sort of way. Jury is still out on this one.

Julia Louis Dreyfus – You forget she was an SNL cast member – just like Anthony Michael Hall, Robert Downey, Jr. and Janeane Garofalo. STRANGE.

Tina Fey – Emmys got at least one thing right by voting 30 Rock the Best Comedy. Now, bring back “The Comeback” and we’ll forget “Two and a Half Men,” “Yes, Dear” and “King of Queens” ever existed.

Jaime Pressly – The Academy just told you what a great job they think you do of playing white trash. I wouldn’t be so happy if I were you! And calm down girl, it’s just an Emmy!

Katherine Heigl – May I have the envelope please – sewn onto the shoulders of my dress?!

Thomas Haden Church – He won an Emmy? For “Sideways?” “Spider-Man 3?” Is “Ned and Stacey” still on the air? Oh, for a mini-series. They still make those?? His face has more lines than Dina Lohan’s coffee table!

Ellen DeGeneres – The gold necklace/graduation tassel made her look like a lady – a little old lady! Nana, what are you doing with that pretty lady on your arm?

One-liner montage – In lieu of any funny new jokes, they decide to pull together clips of old ones. I’m on to you, ATAS!

Adrian Grenier, Kevin Dillon et al – Believe what you want, fellas, but the only entourage you are a part of is Piven’s! And I don’t care how many times you tell yourselves “Entourage” is the male “Sex and the City” – it ain’t! That would actually require the show to be funny! Hug that out, bitches!

Eva Longoria – She was bedazzling!

Jennifer Love Hewitt – Just saying her name takes me back to the ‘90s. Exit stage left, please Ms. Hewitt.

Jon Cryer – Remember when you thought Cryer was cool in “Pretty in Pink” – yeah that’s long over.

Christina Aguilera – Compare her performance to Britney’s debacle of a week ago. How did she pull off morphing into the classy one – before our very eyes?! She’s stepping out with her yet-be-publicly-confirmed baby!

Tony Bennett – While he probably can’t see two feet in front of himself, can somebody please get his wife some rouge and concealer?

Ali Larter – Gorgeous!

Kiefer Sutherland – Needs to stop spending 24 hours in the tanning bed. Cheez Doodle orange is not his best color.

Robert Duvall – What was with that weird “five Chinese girls” comment during his acceptance speech?! Nurse!

Queen Latifah – She should have won an Emmy – for Best Actress in a Musical, Comedy, Variety show, Mini-Series or Made for TV Movie Trying to Look Natural While Wearing a Dress.

Roots Anniversary – The saddest fact of the 30th anniversary salute was realizing that if Roots were made today, it would require giving Kunta Kinte 50 extra pounds, an exponentially more gorgeous wife, supernatural powers and a Manhattan loft. Oh, and it would have to air on the UPN – which no longer exists!

How in the hell did “The Starter Wife” get nominated for anything?! Debra Messing should have to give her “Will & Grace” Emmy back for making that piece of basura!

Hayden Panettiere – Nothing says cute, young and fresh – like a peach, plus-sized bridesmaid potato sack. She actually wanted to wear something from NY fashion week – not an actual tent from it. Was someone hiding in there? The cast of “Lost”? Baby Maddy?Cuba Gooding Jr.’s career? For once, heterosexuals weren’t the only men who wanted to get Hayden out of her dress.

Neil Patrick Harris – If he came out of the closet last year, why is he still pretending to hit on Hayden? Is he doing research to play a Republican Congressman?

Mark Harmon – If you’ve ever watched an episode of “Navy NCIS” please identify yourself!

Marcia Cross – or Jigsaw from Saw? – Just try and find a line on that face. Marble Housewife!

Judy Davis – She didn’t show up, either because she either didn’t think “Starter Wife” would win… or she was too embarrassed.

Glenn Close – Now starting at middle linebacker for the Oakland Raiders, # 60, Glenn Close! Or did they turn “TransAmerica” into a TV show? Such a handsome woman!

Mary Louise Parker – The coolest chick in the room, bar none – next to Elaine Stritch!

Bury My Heart at Wounded Knee – ‘Cause I know you wanted to hear that name one more fuckin’ time!

Jersey Boys salute – And I thought Journey ended the Sopranos on a gay note!

Sopranos cast minus one Drea de Matteo – Not even her old cast can forgive her for working on “Joey”!

Sally Field – Drink yer juice Shelby! You are an actress, not Cindy Sheehan.

Helen Mirren – For once, she looked like a hot boiled mess. And leave the pocketbook at your seat. Nobody wants to steal your Kleenex, and hard candy!

Lewis Black – In the name of John Candy, Chris Farley and Sam Kinison: Amen!

Kathryn Morris – Where does CBS find these people? You know it’s bad when you’re on a network primetime show — and Flavor of Love contestants are more recognizable!

Masi Oka/Apple computer – Not so subtle product placement. And the Tom from MySpace cameo was a nice Fox/News Corp. synergistic touch, Rupert Murdoch!

Al Gore – What was Patricia Heaton doing during Gore’s standing ovation? Burning fossil fuels? Lecturing Ellen and Portia? Making Tony Shaloub and Paula Abdul go through security again? Just curious.

Stanley Tucci – The Bald and the Beautiful

Elaine Stritch – The Not-so Young and the Restless. The yawn seen round the globe Even she yawned from the show– but then again she’s not used to staying up past 7pm.

Debra Messing – Is it me, or has she worn this dress before? God knows it must be hard to find a good dress when you have negative cleavage. Just ask Felicity Huffman!

Kate Walsh – Her dress was going to the Emmys, her hair – to a roller skating party in the ‘70s.

Lisa Rinna – TV Guide fired Joan Rivers — but kept her cheekbones! Now she’s Dancing with the SCARS.

Joan & Melissa — RIP

2006 EMMYs

Comments
September 3, 2006 // Award Shows, Emmys

There are officially no real television stars! Film and music celebs are so much more interesting. And since all a program needs to be considered a hit these days is a weekly viewer ship of about 15 million, there are loads of shows with casts that NO ONE recognizes. Boy could this show have used one of Teri Hatcher’s I-used-to-be-a-has-been speeches.

You know it’s bad when the cast on Big Brother:All Stars is more exciting. Go Janelle!

I know it’s late but my job these days doesn’t leave for as much free time as before.

So feel free to ask for your money should you not be pleased with your recap purchase.

As always I appreciate your comments and love. Send them my way at lopeyj@yahoo.com.

Until the VMAs on Thursday night!

-Johnny Lopez
lopeyj@yahoo.com

Annette Bening – Even without Hilary Swank nominated, poor Annette still can’t win a damn thing.

Barry Manilow – Sporting the latest from the Barbara Walters wig collection. I hear Rod Stewart owns one too. My question is: when he yelled “Alright Dick!” at the end of his performance was it meant to be a shout out to Dick Clark or did he finally come out of his Copacabana closet?

Blythe Danner – I hate giving any sort of Gwyneth-related praise, but Blythe looked great. That being said, the woman owns more shawls than an entire village of Italian widowed grandmothers.

Bob Newhart – Silly me thought he was already dead.

Calista Flockhart – Why, Mary Tyler Moore, look how young you’ve gotten!! Nothing says eating disorder like a return to primetime television. Are black teeth a sign of anorexia nervosa or was she just drinking red wine backstage? Since she’s got that new TV show this fall and dates Harrison Ford it’s pretty much an even draw.

Candice Bergen – Do me a favor and pass me Blythe Danner’s shawl cause we need to cover this up quick. Sporting the latest from Bed, Bath & Beyond’s Kimono-Cowboy Ready to Wear Collection.

Charlie Sheen – aka Carlos Estevez – Call me crazy but I think by divorcing Denise Richards he may actually be through with the whores.

Christopher Meloni – HUNK

Cloris Leachman – What Farrah Fawcett could look like if she had some good work done!

Dick Clark – I’m not going there.

Candy Spelling – What’s the going rate for a relationship with your daughter?

Tori Spelling – Since she’s ain’t getting shit from her mom now, she and her Z-list actor husband can start making Red Shoe Diaries films for a living together or at the very least a sequel to Mother, May I Sleep With Danger!

Farrah Fossil – The best she’s look since they reassembled her face. Correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t she fight with Spelling over money and left Charlie’s Angels after one year? Poor Cheryl Ladd was an Angel for much longer and got ass for it.

Kate Jackson – I believe she’s still up on that stage talking. And had Aaron let her make Kramer vs. Kramer like she was supposed to her career could have been completely different.Meryl Streep different.

Jaclyn Smith – She was always my favorite Angel. Still gorgeous but needs to stop getting work done before she starts looking like a Beverly Hills-enstein. Remember when she was the only celeb with a fashion line?

Edie Falco – Once and for all Mystic Tanning does not, I repeat, does NOT look natural! Unless you consider Cheez Doodle orange a natural skin tone.

Ellen Pompeo – If the look she was going for was that whole white-trash-unwed-teen-mother- 7/11-attendant-with-a-nuyorican-accent thing then kudos. Mission accomplished.

Eva Longoria – Next to the sea of relative unknowns (sorry “The Office,” “Grey’s Anatomy” and Gillian Anderson) Eva comes off looking like she’s a Julia Roberts-size supastar!

Evangeline Lilly – Gorgeous. Place your bets now: How long before she’s in a romantic comedy with Matthew McConaughey?

Felicity Huffman – Remember huh? What a difference a year makes.

Heather Locklear – Somebody apparently got the name of Madonna’s doctor! Now be a doll and give their # to Fawcett.

Heidi Klum – Her next reality show should be called Project Tubes Tied. The girl is so fertile that Hezbollah just attacked her.

Howie Mandel – Who let him get famous again? Did we learn nothing from his 80s rubber glove over the nose trick? He and Joey Lawrence are trying to pull a McConaughey/Gyllenhall –only they are vying for the Mr. Clean role instead of Lance Armstrong.

Jamie Pressly – Am I suppose to be impressed she got nominated for basically playing her pre-(and possibly post)Hollywood self? I guess those 583 FHM covers finally paid off.

James Woods – He’s dating a 20-year-old but he’s TWENTY-times-three-years-old. Somebody check his Jon Benet alibi!

Jennifer Love Hewitt – She’s growing up. How can I tell? Her hips don’t lie. As Barry Manilow can attest to.

Jeremy Piven – Let’s see. He brought his mom, wore an ascot and mentioned fluffer in his acceptance sheet. What do you think he’s trying to tell us? Hmmm.

Joan Collins – Somebody oughta stop letting granny do her own makeup!

Julia-Louis Dreyfus – Hasn’t aged since the “Seinfeld” finale. When you’re married to an albino, how can you possibly almost forget to thank him?

Katherine Hiegl – No, don’t worry. That wasn’t Charlize Theron at the Emmys. It was just one of the droves of unknown actresses on “Grey’s Anatomy.”

Leslie Jordan – (Beverly Leslie from Will and Grace) – a non-“Brokeback” gay reference at an award show?? But this isn’t the Tonys!

Mariska Hargitay – Fantabulous. She takes after her mom, Jayne Mansfield, and has a good head on her shoulders.

Matthew Perry – A new Matthew Perry TV show can only mean one thing: Let the weight fluctuations begin!

Megan Mullally – The thing is, everyone wants to see Karen Walker’s talk show NOT Megan Mullally’s! What is she thinking?

Patrick Dempsey – He had the best head of hair of the night. Well, besides Tyra’s wig of course.

Ray Liotta – Or was it a Rhesus Monkey? Global warming wouldn’t be such an issue if only the Polar icecaps were as frozen as his face.

Ron Livingston – Y’all can have Pitt, Clooney and Depp. Give me Livingston and I’ll call it a day. Yum.

Sean Hayes – Now with the show cancelled, his Lance Bass moment should be no more than 24-36 months away.

Simon Cowell – In the words of Valerie Cherish, “I don’t need to see that!” I haven’t seen that much exposed cleavage since the 2004 Super Bowl.

Steve Carell – With the exception of Rainn Wilson, how cute has the cast of “The Office” gotten in these two years?! Not that I know their names.

Tina Fey – With Tina not returning to the show, the only reason left to watch SNL is to get your Saturday night guests to leave sooner.

Tom Selleck – God bless ’em. Someone’s gotta keep the 70s porn look alive.

Tony Shaloub – One day soon people will start watching “Monk” and then he’ll finally be able to get his name off the no-fly list.

Tyra Banks – Her dress cost $55K and her jewels $3 million. And we wonder why the world hates Americans! I haven’t seen someone pose this hard since Garth Brooks came out with Chris Gaines.

Virginia Madsen – I see what she bought with her “Sideways” money –tits!

Jean Smart – Looking young is always good. But looking like a young Tanya Tucker –not so good.

Leah Remini – Her exchange with Ryan Seacrest over Suri Cruise was priceless. A metrosexual pipsqueak should never mess with a spicy Brooklyn Italian Scientologist. If Seacrest goes missing this week — now you know why.

Debra Messing – Everybody wave goodbye to the nice redheaded lady.

Amy Poehler – Doing her best Sharon Stone impersonation ever!

Chandra Wilson – Seat filler? No, just another one of those anonymous “Grey’s” gals. Can they please wear nametags?!

Cheryl Hines – She needs to Curb Her Enthusiasm for the bedazzler.

Gillian Anderson – We can finally take her picture off the milk cartons. She’s surfaced — although pregnant and wearing a graduation gown. Maybe the truth IS out there.

Geena Davis – It’s like staring into Jen Garner’s face after 20 years of botched botox.

Harrison Ford – He needs 20 years of botched botox!

Kyra Sedgwick – Even Amtrak doesn’t have a train as long as hers.

Lisa Kudrow – She should have won for “The Comeback.” Pure Genius. Rent it and see for yourselves.

Sandra Oh – The role of Mr.T will now be played by Sandra.

Vanessa Minnillo – Ladies and gentlemen representing Flushing, it’s Miss Queens 2006.

Portia di Rossi – I see a guest spot on the “L-Word” in her future. If Ellen will let her.

Denis Leary (and his wife) – I swore it was new lesbian super couple Ellen DeGeneres and Ellen Barkin. Strange.