Things Learned From Watching the 2017 Grammys
- Beyonce can get her mother, sister and daughter screen time, but still doesn’t have the power to get Michelle Williams‘ shift covered at P.F. Changs so she can make a cameo at the Staples Center. Rude! #PoorMichelle
2. By the way Beyonce is flaunting her second pregnancy, it’s obvious we still don’t know who carried her first one. #TheTruthIsOutThere
3. The only person who hasn’t tired of hearing “Hello” is Adele. True story!
4. Keith Urban will be amazing in The Betsy DeVos Story.
5. The highest level in Scientology is OT: Shady ’80s Vegas Lounge Act. Save us, Leah Remini!
6. Immediately following their Bee Gees tribute, Little Big Town performed at your cousin’s wedding in Encino. And they took requests!
7. The imaginary Quentin Tarantino film that Dwight Yoakham & Jason Derulo are living in is going to be amazing.
8. Apologies to Chance the Rapper, but it will always be too soon to bring back Cosby sweaters!
And now a few more silly words on some petty shit. Enjoy!
Beyonce – Narcissistic? Yes. Self-indulgent? Of course. Over the top? Clearly. But c’mon, who doesn’t L-U-V a pop queen on her throne? Now, against your better judgement, yell “slay.”
Adele doesn’t need to dance. Adele doesn’t need backup dancers. Adele doesn’t need elaborate stage shows. Adele doesn’t need to parade her body in a unitard. Adele has a voice. Adele has unparralled talent. Adele can stop and restart her performance on live television and you will love it and cheer and, against your better judgement, yell “slay.” These are not alternative facts!
Lady Gaga & Metallica – The Super Bowl was 7 days ago. The Super Bowl is now a memory. The Super Bowl never happened. Now if, against your better judgement, you yelled “slay,” that’s on you.
Katy Perry – ALWAYS. GETS. IT. WRONG. So Becky may finally be WOKE, but the gurl cannot find a decent outfit if her rights depended on it. She ought to shave her head, as it would be her best lewk yet! On the positive side, at least NO ONE yelled “slay.”
Jennifer Lopez – She’s been
slaying destroying the red carpet since that infamous Versace number, but it’s J.Lo’s stick straight synthetic hair extensions that feel leftover from 2000. It’s time to leave this overdone trend on the floor! Sorry, mija.
Demi Lovato – Serving KARDASHIAN on the carpet & ’70s SARKISIAN (as in CHER-ilyn) on stage. Guess she’s done being cool … for the summer.
Maren Morris – Winner of best country something or other. What I want to know is: Will she accept this rose? #SheLooksLikeSomeoneOnTheBachelor
Tim McGraw & Faith Hill – They are both turning 50 in a few months. Is country don’t crack a thing?
CeeLo – Can someone please Uber Gaga’s 2011 egg and send him home?
Bruno Mars – Definitely enjoyed it, but there was just one thing missing from his Prince tribute — Wendy & Lisa!
Rihanna – You don’t need an award, when you’re the coolest chic in the room. Go ahead and say it. I know you want to. “____!”
Halsey – Alls I see is a mashup of early Pink, JLo’s Versace thirst and TLC “Creep.” Next!
Hilton Jackson -The resemblance is uncanny. She has her father’s … last name.
A Tribe Called Quest – The one thing I won’t #resist … using “President Agent Orange!” Pass the Courvoisier, Busta!
And finally, if you haven’t heard the latest episode of my weekly pop culture podcast SCREAMING INTO TRAFFIC, just click below.
This week Screaming Into Traffic Podcast tackles the VMAs, FYF Fest, RuPaul’s Drag Race All Stars, Amy Schumer‘s book, Colton Haynes‘ speech, the Gay Bachelor, clown sightings, Dancing with the “Stars” 101 and a Britney Spears rant for the ages. If you like your pop culture raw, real & ridiculous then you are home!
This week SCREAMING INTO TRAFFIC goes inside the amazing Pulse fundraiser in Hollywood, gives a bipartisan 9 minute read of Britney Spears‘ 367th comeback since the ‘Gimme More’ Incident of 2007, asks FrankOcean if gay BLOND’s have more fun and takes a dip in the thirsty Instagram waters off Mykonos! So take a listen or we’ll have Bette Midler tweet your ass!
1. Britney Spears was amazing … for Britney Spears. And by that I mean she maneuvered the stage on her own power (save for her assisted back flip), opened and shut her mouth on a semi-consistent basis, flailed her arms on cue and successfully bolted down her weave. So in that sense – and to quote every other blog & twentysomething on Twitter – Britney did in fact “SLAY.” #PleaseStopUsingSlay
2. Ciara proved she has Braxton Family Values … circa 2001.
3. Fifth Harmony on holiday from their regular paying jobs as stand-ins on Keeping Up With the Kardashians. The Khloe one is still my fave!
4. Meghan Trainor – The hair is NO! That dress is NO! Her dancing is NO! You need to let it go.
5. Justin Bieber shaved his head, lip synched, arm-danced and is now having a full-blown breakdown on Instagram. He’s officially reached icon status. #GimmeGimmeMore
6. If P!nk is hoisted into the air it must be 2010 … or a Sunday.
7. Props to Demi Lovato for using her voice to speak out against all those ridiculous anti-transgender bathroom laws … and to sing LIVE! Groundbreaking.
8. In Memoriam. Last night, Gwen Stefani dyed … her brows. A moment of silence please. This shit is B-A-N-A-N-A-S.
9. Adele sells more than anyone without having to parade around pantless, snatches trophies, doesn’t show up to award shows and drops a ridiculously simple video. She does not give AF! QUEEN.
10. Kesha – Career re-invention starts now! And if you don’t like her Colonel Sanders meets Temple Grandin ensemble then you must be Team Dr. Luke.
11. Rihanna is always the coolest chic in the room, even when it’s not technically Casual Friday. #WorkWorkWorkWorkWorkWork
12. You’d have to be dead inside to not fall in love with Celine Dion after her emotional speech last night. But the real question is how long until Gigi Hadid – or Calvin Klein – starts dating her It boy son, Rene Charles? #HeIs15
13. I’m living for Halsey‘s ’80s perm! I love saying PERM. Please tell me millennial girls in Brooklyn are rockin’ perms up and down Bedford. For the love of Rhea Perlman, make this a thing, Greenpoint! #fetch
14. Ariana Grande – For once, bride of Fievel didn’t annoy the crap out of me. Maybe I’ve just gotten use to her Seabiscuit extensions & lazy dancing, but since I actually heard her enunciate, I’m led to believe she finally had her tongue rebuilt. Congrats, lady.
15. The Go-Gos – Legends, kids!
Original member Kathy Valentine quit the group a few years ago & they added Abby Travis (center), but they still got the beat. And I’ll always be Mad About You, Belinda Carlisle.
16. Steven Tyler is going to be an excellent addition to Caitlyn’s bus next season!
17. Madonna – Well I loved the outfit! Listen, “Nothing Compares 2 U” is a really tough song to pull off. Obviously not the best for her to chose, but had she done a more uplifting dance track y’all be saying how disrespectful of her to not be solemn. Now I will give props to M for not lip synching, keeping the tribute heartfelt, low-key & not doing an over-the-top medley (ahem, Gaga). Madonna haters are gonna hate, but from one icon to another – who were born the same year, dated and recorded the 1989 track “LoveSong” together – it was still pretty major to witness in my book. Long live Prince & the Queen.
— BET (@BET) May 23, 2016
18. As an added bonus, check out Britney’s inadvertent red carpet tribute to
Fredrick’s of Hollywood Prince’s ladies Apollonia & Vanity. #Britney6
19. And finally, if you haven’t heard the latest episode of my HYSTERICAL weekly podcast SCREAMING INTO TRAFFIC, just click below. It’s life changing! 🙂
Guardians of the MAC counter is more like it.
Contour for your LIFE!
No wonder Justin Bieber looked so familiar at the iHeartRadio Music Awards last night.
10 Things Learned Watching the 88th Annual Academy Awards:
1. It’s apparently absolutely acceptable to joke about the same topic for over 210 minutes.
2. Stacey Dash bombed so hard, the US should consider using her for ISIS drone strikes.
3. So even if you have the best of intentions & address a topic no one else had so far that night, and have the nerve to admit you may be inadvertently misquoting someone during your unexpected acceptance speech, The Gays will eat their own and come for blood. You have been warned. The Writings on the Tweet.
4. Steven Spielberg has cast his wife Kate Capshaw in the latest Conjuring/Annabelle sequel. #SheBangs
5. In the wake Antonin Scalia’s death, Whoopi Goldberg has very subtlely thrown her name into the Supreme Court Judge nomination ring.
6. Just because you are nominated for a song Oscar doesn’t mean you can’t OVERACT. FOR. YOUR. LIIIIIIFE!
7. From now on, Charlize Theron shall only be addressed as Charice QUEEN.
8. In the Zero Fucks Given category, Frances McDormand’s Tony-winning denim jacket has been usurped by Mad Max costume design winner Jenny Beavan’s Sons of Anarchy motorcycle chic. I hope she made it safely back to the Shire.
9. Ellen’s 2014 pizza delivery > Chris Rock’s Tagalongs > NPH‘s 2015 briefcase debacle
10. If Leonardo DiCaprio were a woman, we’d be saying he officially has everything … except a spouse. But he isn’t, so we won’t.
This year’s White Oscars are over. Since I’m not about to get into a political argument over Hollywood’s biggest night – that’s what your Facebook feed is for – here are my two cents on some of the show’s biggest highlights.
Chris Rock – On a very special episode of The Oscars …
Emily Blunt – Nothing against her at all, but shame on the Academy for making any mere mortal – let alone a pregnant woman – present next to QUEEN Charlize.
Charlize Theron – According to Chris, she’s “whiter” than Emily Blunt, but don’t forget she’s also the first African woman to win Best Actress. #QUEEN
Sam Smith – Everyone simmer down! He’s not the first openly gay man to win. He misquoted Ian McKellan who was referring to there being no openly gay ACTING winners (Kevin Spacey, Joel Grey, even John Gielgud were not out at the time of their win.) Elton John, Scott Rudin, Dustin Lance Black etc .. are not acting winners. Sam even mentioned he might have the quote wrong in his speech. Regardless, he said something good about the gay community. Can’t we be happy about that? I know we live in the ‘attack & tweet’ era but breathe, chilrins, breathe. He’s on our side, even if he did rob Mother Monster (or, perhaps the 2 non-pop star nominees who didn’t get to sing their songs!). Oh and if you ask me (which you didn’t but imma tell you any way) Dustin Lance Black‘s catty tweet probably says more about him than 23-year-old Smith.
Kerry Washington – From the looks of her gladiator Kevlar®, she’s at war … with her stylist.
Henry Cavill – Swoon. Superman has never looked so dashing. SLAY me, Daddy.
Alicia Vikander – She deserved the Oscar … for Ex-Machina.
Cate Blanchett – ICON. Thank God someone took a risk. Love it or hate it, it’s a LEWK and she pulled it off like no one else could. Also, she’s the new Meryl.
Margot Robbie – Move over Blanche Deveraux, there’s a sexy new Golden Girl in town. Not content with taking over Jaime Pressly’s identity, she now appears to be gunning for Michelle Monaghan’s. Career Suicide Squad.
Jared Leto – So I’m assuming ’70s wedding groomsmen is now an actual thing in Bushwick/Echo Park/all of SanFran.
Rachel McAdams – She really is BACK!
Michael B. Jordan – LAWD HAVE MERCY! Please tell me the B stands for what I hope it does! No? Dammit!
Andy Serkis – Gollum looked precious. And by precious I mean coked out of his mind.
The Chilean winning directors – Gabriel Vargas (left) & Pato Escala (right) won for something or other. But more importantly “pato” means duck in Spanish. It’s also a derogatory term for gay. But I’ll take it. I mean if it looks like a duck and walks like a duck …
The Weeknd – As long as he’s not singing “Can’t Feel My Face” in a Carhartt jacket then it’s all good.
Kate Winslet – Flawless. I HATED Titanic, but I LOVE all of this/them.
Mark Rylance – If he goes missing after snatching Best Supporting Actor, check Stallone’s trunk. That is, if you can even recognize him.
Sly Stallone – I didn’t realize he was married to Caitlyn BFF Candis Cayne.
Louis CK – Host of the 2017 Academy Awards.
Sharmeen Obaid-Chinay – “Good thing I have two of these.” Even without that read, she gave the best speech of the night after noting her best documentary short, A Girl In the River, is changing laws (honor killings!) in Pakistan. FYI, I think that luxe embroidered cloak cost more than a Honda Civic.
Dev Patel – From Slumdog to the Indian Adam Driver. The Hotness Awakens.
Academy President Cheryl Boone-Isaacs – We like you. We really, really like you!
Dave Grohl – Why it gotta be a “Blackbird?”
Jacob Tremblay & Kevin Hart – Adorable!
Sofia Vergara – The best chyron/fun fact of the night: Sofia Vergara co-starred with Oscar winner Reese Witherspoon in Hot Pursuit. #shade Question: If Sofia Vergara doesn’t wear a mermaid dress, is it really Sofia Vergara?
Costume designer Sandy Powell – This is not Tilda Swinton despite all of Kris Jenner & Giuliana‘s hooting & hollering on E! But it could very well be yet another Lady Gaga Bowie tribute.
Lady Gaga – Just sing. Powerful song. Powerful message. Powerful visual. Powerful voice. Just sing.
But it was respectful of her to honor the 25th anniversary of Madonna‘s Sooner or Later performance from the 1991 Oscars. Brava.
Common – #OscarsSoRight
Alejandro Inarritu – Two years in a row. 4 Oscars total. 7 nominations. With Cuaron’s win for Gravity in 2014, that makes it the third straight year a Mexican filmmaker has taken home Best Director. (Mexican cinematographer Emmanuel Lubezki also won 3 times in a row) Yet that’s still not enough to stop the band from drowning out your speech — which just happened to be about race and skin color. Where’s Leo when you really need him?!
Saoirse Ronan – Gorgeous! She was giving Heather Locklear/Sammy Jo Carrington in Dynasty and that is always a win.
Brie Larson – She won an Oscar and hugged every one of Gaga’s abuse survivors. The new Jennifer Lawrence has been crowned. And as an added bonus, she’s almost as pretty as boyfriend Alex Greenwald. How you doin’?
Matt Damon & Luciana Barroso – It must get annoying being constantly referred to as Matt Damon’s wife. But I guess it beats still slinging cocktails at a bar in South Beach.
Leo DiCaprio – It’s about time he finally got the respect he’s deserved. And just like Winslet, he didn’t win for the role he should have. I’d imagine pretending to like Kirk Cameron is a lot harder than wrestling a CGI bear in the wilds of Argentina .
Jake Gyllenhaal – Brokeback. End of Watch. Prisoners. Enemy. Nightcrawler. If you ask me, we’ve already found Leo’s award snub successor … and my future hubs!
Jonathan Herman – Quick shout out to my longtime pal for his nomination for writing Straight Out of Compton. He didn’t technically win (Spotlight took it), but he did. Plus sitting between Tobey Maguire & JJ Abrams ain’t too shabby.