1. By the looks of all the homely gals in Rampage dresses, tickets to the ceremony were strictly available to students within the San Fernando Valley school district.
2. There is actually something more meaningless than an American Music Award, Taylor Swift’s entirely made up Dick Clark Award for Excellence. It too can be yours if you’ll splurge on Diana Ross’ appearance fee.
3. Supermodel Karlie Kloss is being Single White Female’d by Taylor Swift. The tousled bob and crop tops don’t lie.
4. Don’t get your fake accent and ponytail twisted, Fergie has been doing the faux-ghetto pop/rap thang way before Iggy Azalea even got her first silicone ass injection. Trust!
5. Fifteen years after Chris Gaines crashed and burned, Garth Brooks has now taken to making rare televised appearances as a black-clad Boss Hogg.
6. One Direction consists of the cute one, the ethnic one, the dainty one, the one that should be in O-town and the one that looks like Chloe Grace Moretz. That’s my best guess, anyway.
7. Someone needs to tell Jennifer Lopez that Booty is the new fetch. It ain’t gonna happen, bae. But damn she can move.
8. Britney Spears is still a huge influence on the new class of female pop stars, as evidenced by their lazy, seemingly drug-induced live performances (I’m talking to you Ariana, Iggy, Selena).
9. At 26 and 22 respectively, Jessie J and Sam Smith are waging a semi-private battle with progeria.
1o. The casts of The Walking Dead & Orange Is The New Black will forever be known by their characters’ names.
Pitbull — With apologies to People for the Ethical Treatment of Award hosts, but he needs to be put down. Mr. Worldwide nuisance. And being bilingual, I had no problem understanding his Spanish, unfortunately it was his attempts at English that had me completely baffled. Silencio!
Patrick Dempsey, 48, & Josh Duhamel, 42, – Heirs to the John Stamos fountain of youth.
One Direction – I don’t know which one is gay, but I do know that at least two of them are lesbians. With 5 Seconds of Summer and all these other children running amok on stage, One D have instantly garnered some sort of cred for having at least been around since Obama’s first administration.
Ansel Elgort – The Fault In Our Stylists! All men may be created equal but not all can get away with a bolero jacket and printed leggings.
Charlie XCX – Finally answering the age-old question: what if Mila Kunis had recorded an album …and worn orthopedic sandals?! Boom snap!
Rita Ora and Julianne Hough – in Overdressing with the Stars! But in fairness, when your chances of attending a legit award show are nil, what are you going to save that Bebe Haute Couture for?
Magic – So that’s what Adrien Brody has been up to. Of the crop of new male singers, he’s the only one to have not blown his new-found riches on hair and wardrobe.
Wyclef Jean – ‘Memba him?
Iggy Azalea – real name Amethyst Amelia Kelly – Take away the inner city accent and the butt implants and she’s giving you millennial Portia de Rossi. Her Cold Hearted Snake meets Olivia Newton-John Physical inspired performance of Beg For It was all about her male backup dancers. Call me!
Becky G – Lil Salma Hayek.
5 Seconds of Summer – Proving that boy bands no longer require any cute members, but Drybar appointments and shopping sprees at Hot Topic are still mandatory.
The Walking Dead ladies – For once the heads exploding were not on screen but at home as viewers tried to decipher if Michonne was Lupita (No!) and Maggie was British (Yes!).
Imagine Dragons – If they perform a song and it’s not Radioactive, does it still annoy?
Crazy Eyes and Piper – They’re better off having Laverne Cox do their hair in prison.
Sam Smith – Winner of Best Pop Male Performance in a Dorothy Zbornak duster. If you check his deep pockets, I bet you’ll find tissues and hard candy.
Dianna Agron & Nathan Fillon – Proving Glee and Castle are still on the air. Who knew? PS, what’s Castle?!
Jhene Aiko and Meghan Trainor – They’re just days away from announcing their partnership portraying Mulan and Elsa in Disney Princesses on Ice.
Luke Bryan – The country singer also known as …that kinda hot guy in marketing at your office. See you in the staff meeting, boo.
Lorde – real name Ella Marja Lani Yelich- O’Connor – I’m a fan and love all of her spaztastic moves. But the weirdest thing about her is that she’s friends with Taylor Swift. My ‘80s new wave high school self can’t comprehend that fact. It’s like trying to imagine Bjork and Debbie Gibson hanging out in 1989. Ew, Shake It Off!
Ariana Grande – I’m just going to assume that if Lorde danced like she was having a stroke then Ariana must have suffered the speech impediment side effects.
Khloe, Kendall and Kylie – Kardashian triplets, as they all look 30 yet sound 16.
Selena Gomez – She needs to know her audience. If anything, people feel sorry that she dated Justin Bieber not that she broke up with him.
Lil Wayne & Christina Milian – Their performance was audibly censored, not for profanity but as a gesture of good will toward viewers.
Nicki Minaj (performing with Skylar Grey) – Wearing a baptismal gown and a one of the wigs retrieved from my Halloween bin after 11 and a half months of storage.
Diana Ross – Legend. Icon. The Boss. So how big a diva do you have to be to get someone to properly tug your wig forward a tad? Upside down you turn your weave!
Fergie – She suffered a wardrobe malfunction, but at least she didn’t piss her pants. And no, she will never live that down. La la la la la.
Jennifer Lopez – Whether on the red carpet or on stage, she’s always FLAWLESS. Well except, that time she fell performing Louboutins, but whatevs. That Vegas residency is going to be the shizz!
While I have your attention… my good friend Joshua Rogers has written a funny, romantic and realistic short-film called Pick Up, that chronicles as a young, gay man – who works as a driver for a ride sharing app – reveals his HIV diagnosis to a potential partner for the first time.
To get the film made, a Kickstarter campaign has been launched. I hope you can take a few minutes to check it out, donate if you can and help promote the campaign.
Thanks so much!
- Pitbull actually knows a few more words than just “305,” “Mr. Worldwide” or “Dale!”. A few. Un poquito.
- I need Justin Timberlake’s navy tuxedo and his Brazilian blowout.
- There was one thing weirder & more random than having Bill Maher introduce Rihanna … having her mother present the ICON award. Sweet but completely bizarre.
- With the hipster/folk rock explosion at Defcon 1 levels, now the only things differentiating One Direction from Mumford & Sons or The Lumineers are hair dryers and Aqua Net.
- Katy Perry’s performance was unbelievable … for taking insensitive cultural appropriation to new levels, & telling young girls to love their man unconditionally — like a docile, subservient prostitute. Konichiwa, Katy Kats!
- Lady Gaga & R. Kelly are not Sonny & Cher … do what you want with your bodies but leave the variety show numbers alone!
- On the other hand, The Jennifer Lopez Variety Hour is something I would definitely watch. Wepa!
- First gay rights and now racism, Macklemore & Lewis are like an LMFAO Afterschool Special in the making. And that’s one to grow on.
- R.I.P. TLC.
- Miley Cyrus struck the perfect balance every female pop star strives for … proving you can really sing while still effectively showing off your adorable pussy.
The American Music Awards are the most important award show to air on the last Sunday of November on ABC. It’s true. Now if you were too busy watching Homeland, Walking Dead and Ja’mie: Private School Girl, you’ll have no idea what I’m talking about. Consider yourself lucky.
Katy Perry — Misguided performance aside, her arrivals dress was a huge improvement over her usual red carpet looks which tend to navigate the spectrum between Kelly Bundy and an extra on Real Housewives of OC.
Pitbull — You are from Miami. You are Latin. You speak Spanish. You grew up poor. WE KNOW! ¡Dios mio, callate la boca!
Taylor Swift — She’s creating a Dynasty … by serving Heather Locklear Sammy Jo Carrington Realness.
Justin Timberlake — Buffed up, no signs of Jessica Biel and flirting with Taylor Swift. This will not end well …except for Taylor’s future album sales.
Emma Roberts — Unfortunately for Em & her stylist, L.A.’s ban on plastic bags doesn’t start until January.
One Direction — Boy band or a ZARA store come to life? Ok, so they’re growing on me … except for the frosted tips/highlighted one who looks like he’s still in O-Town.
Ariana Grande — Very talented little lady who seems like she can do no wrong … until the photos/videos are leaked. #allthekidshavethem
Marc Anthony — Kohl’s sponsored the AMA’s Best New Artist award … and his outfit.
Ke$ha — Between the facial bone morphing, Amanda Bynes hair and the somewhat dramatic black gown, I wasn’t sure if it was her or yet another Lady Donatella wannabe.
Rihanna — I love me some RiRi but giving her an ICON award after being around 8 years is sillier than wearing a bobby pinned Rite Aid weave to an award show.
Naya Rivera — Flawless as Whoreticia Addams!
Dave Grohl & Joan Jett — Caught between rock and a hard place. Yowza! Was that really Joan or Chita Rivera?
Wayne Newton — Burn victim! But don’t call another doctor!
Kelly Osbourne — Wearing 50 shades of …don’t you know any gays? Joan Rivers will not be happy about this.
Nicole Richie — She’s back to her baby weight … 7lbs, 6oz.
Florida Georgia Line — Deport.
Daisy Fuentes –‘Memba her? 47 and fabulous! Proof that a successful line at Kohl’s can buy an appearance on national TV.
Pete Wentz — Adorbs! He’s like Paul Rudd with guyliner. Just don’t stand next to Amazonian Taylor Swift, little fall out boy!
Alicia Silverstone — Speaking of Rudd, Cher Horowitz looks amazing!
Jennifer Hudson — It’s been almost 5 years now, feel free to mention her name without saying the words “weight loss.” #enough
Christina Aguilera — Looks and sounds fabulous. But when is Dirrty Xtina making a comeback?! Bring on the ratty colored extensions!
Austin Mahone & Kendall Jenner — Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez’s designer impostors.
Avicii — “Wake Me Up?” Um, it looks like he hasn’t slept in months. #justsayno
Jeremy Renner — What the? Does he have a line at Kohl’s too?
Jennifer Lopez — Two words: Iris Chacon. Google her! Whatevs Britney, where’s JLo’s Vegas show? Somewhere in heaven Celia Cruz is smiling … unlike Lisa Left Eye Lopes.
TLC — Don’t go chasing comebacks … especially with Lil Mama. And who styled T-Boz? Pebbles? All I know is someone better sue.
Lady Gaga — Go back on the horse you rode on! On a positive note, it’s safe to say she didn’t copy this SNL skit performance from Madonna.
Miley Cyrus — God damn you, Miley. You just gave everyone — and their mother — 11 months to get next year’s Halloween costume ready. Yeah you you wreck me!
Things learned watching the 2011 American Music Awards:
1. There is something called Hot Chelle Rae. Who knew?
2. Driving the Fiat is the new jumping the shark.
3. Based on screen time, Taylor Swift & Selena Gomez were the only celebs in the audience.
4. Kelly Clarkson is a huge star.
5. Will.i.am needs a time out.
6. Pit Bull has to decide whether he’s Team Lopez or Team Skeletor already.
7. All music acts with the last name Perry are contractually bound to have bad hair.
8. Love her or hate her, Lady Gaga makes for good award show television. We missed you Stefani!
9. The only person Xtina hates seeing more than her trainer … Adam Levine!
10. Three words: Justin. Bieber. Shufflin’. That’s some serious L-wordMFAO!
First of all, apologies if you read some of these comments via my FB updates. If not, well then here’s my two cents about last night’s AMAs.
P.S. You can’t tell but I was driving a Fiat while writing this!
Things learned from watching the 2010 American Music Awards:
1. Either the Nokia Theatre is cursed, or good live performances are about as dead as Lindsay Lohan’s career.
2. Between Taylor Swift’s wig and Train’s glitter pants, the music biz has completely raided the “Hanna Montana” hair and wardrobe closet.
3. Somebody put baby in the corner and chloroform the Black Eyed Peas.
4. Since acting and singing aren’t working, Miley Cyrus really needs a viable exit strategy.
5. Not since Bush/Cheney has anyone fooled the American public as well as Katy Perry and Taylor Swift.
6. Christina Aguilera is a huge singer.
7. Justin Bieber proves “It Gets Better.”
8. Ke$ha has everyone beat in one department, she knows lip-synching can be your friend.
9. Being married to Gwen Stefani takes a toll on a man.
10. There are no winners in the BSBNKOTB reunion tour.
Last night can best be summed up by the following question: What if you threw a music award show and no one sang well?
As always send me any feedback to my email at: firstname.lastname@example.org.
Be thankful it’s over.
Things learned watching the 2009 American Music Awards:
1. Taylor Swift can do no wrong. America, meet your first woman President.
2. Either the show took place in Thunderdome or we are in the midst of a serious post-apocalyptic fashion moment.
3. Thanks in part to Janet, Kelly Clarkson, Alicia Keys & Mary J, tonight’s performance was presented in HD – hip definition.
4. Sofia Vergara is the hottest woman in the world.
5. Chaz Bono has caused a celebrity gender reassignment trend, as Val Kilmer has quietly become Kathleen Turner.
6. As proven by Jacko, Britney and Whitney, only two things that can resuscitate a stalled pop music career – death and rehab.
7. Everyone has jumped on the Lady GaGa tip and has turned the pop music landscape into one big avant-garde art installation piece. No performance/video is complete without a series of masks, robotic alien-like creatures or spastic bodily twitches.
8. “Idol” has hijacked the AMAs. With so many former American Idols winners and losers performing (and not lip-synching), I was half-way expecting to see Fantasia and Taylor Hicks up there too… assuming they got their Olive Garden shifts covered.
9. One word – Jermajesty.
Forget VH1, with Janet, JLo, Rihanna, Shakira, Whitney, Gaga, Carrie, Kelly & Glambert, last night was divas live. So whether you thought J.Lo bit it more than Adam or if Whitney’s voice wasn’t all it’s cracked out to be, here is the recap.
Things learned from watching the 2008 AMAs
- No one actually gets an award at these things. That’s for the end credits, silly.
- Like the GOP, the VMAs have a lot of strategizing to do for next year. They got served!
- Pink should perform with everyone.
- Peeps should be less concerned with their kids being taught about gay marriage in schools (it’s coming y’all) and more worried with the usual onslaught of pole dancing lessons from the Pussycat Dolls.
- There are no commercially viable rock acts. And adult contemporary artists like Coldplay don’t count.
- ‘80s prom dresses have taken over the red carpet. Molly Ringwald is a genius!
- The AMAs are voted on by fans, which means they are worth about as much as Lehman Bros. stock.
The AMAs had the best lineup they’ve ever had and finally realized that no one wants to see 3 Doors Down, Rascal Flats or Bebe Winans perform on primetime TV. Amen.
Feel free to send me your thoughts and critiques.
Until the Golden Globes in two months!