Ten Things learned watching the 87th Annual Academy Awards:
- Neil Patrick Harris’ ballot box joke took longer to execute than Boyhood and got the same amount of love from the Academy.
2. If they cue the music during your acceptance speech, just keep talking … it’s one less minute we’ll be subjected to that ballot box joke.
3. With feminism, civil rights, immigration reform, ALS, Alzheimer’s and two mentions of suicide, there was only one thing more serious and political than the acceptance speeches … the In Memoriam snub of Joan Rivers! Can we tawk?!
4. Imitation Game Adapted Screenplay winner Graham Moore is not gay … but his voice and queening out to Oprah sure is! Coming out as straight is hard. #stayweird
5 . Speaking of not gays … while it’s fine to comment on his creepy face-groping of biological women, we all really need to be more vigilant and sensitive to John Travolta’s BRAVE new look during this time. #askhermore
6. All it took for Tim McGraw (you know, Gwyneth Paltrow’s friend) to enter the witness protection program was the removal of one hat.
7. Meryl Streep and Jennifer Lopez will soon star in a buddy comedy together, thereby assuring for the rarest of feats… a Meryl-free Oscar season.
8. Terrence Howard was one awkward pause away from pulling an Elizabeth Taylor and blurting out “Gladiator!”
- Alexis Arquette killed it with her rendition of The Sound of Music.
- Common’s drag real name is Lonnie Lynn. Who knew?
Neil Patrick Harris – Everyone is hating by saying he bombed, but at least he actually hosted the show throughout its entirety. No one remembers anymore, but last year Ellen did an intro, took a selfie, ordered a pizza and then disappeared. And even our beloved national treasures Tina Fey & Amy Poehler were almost non-existent at this year’s Globes. So yes, some jokes fell flat, but the opening was great, he ad-libbed a couple of zingers and even “had the balls” to nearly show his in a pair of padded briefs. A for effort, which is more than I can say for past hosts like Seth McFarlane and James Franco.
Lupita Nyong’o – Serving pearl necklace for the GAWDS!
J.K. Simmons – Using his entire speech to stress the importance of family – call your mother! – and thanking his wife and kids with no reference to agents, managers or studio heads, was not only refreshing, it was downright revolutionary. Which begs the question: What is he trying to make right by them?! And I don’t care what anyone says, his character in Whiplash is gay. (That tight t-shirt don’t lie).
Dakota Johnson & Melanie Griffith – You know Fifty Shades is a total snoozefest when Dakota has more sexual chemistry with her recalibrated MOTHER than Jamie Dornan.
Jennifer Lopez – Drama. Spectacle. Wow. If it can be worn anywhere else – besides the Met Costume Gala in NY – then it isn’t an Oscar gown. SLAYED.
Costume Design winner Milena Canonero – You know she isn’t from here, because, even though it was raining, no one in Los Angeles actually owns a raincoat.
Reese Witherspoon – She don’t pop molly, she rock Tom Ford!
Channing Tatum – He must share the same guyliner specialist as Travolta.
Nicole Kidman – Exquisitely styled by Madame Tussauds.
Shirley MacLaine – Outfit by Liza Minnelli, wig by Mattel™ and sold exclusively at Hollywood Toy & Costume.
Tegan and Sara – Cutest lesbian duo of the night, next to Keith Urban and Nicole Kidman. Props to their drag mother, John Travolta.
Andy Samberg and Lonely Island guys – You know what would have made it even more awesome … those Katy Perry Super Bowl sharks.
Jared Leto – Believe it or not, he is not part of Lonely Island.
Dana Perry – Her win for Best Documentary Short Subject was for a serious topic (veterans & suicide) but her dress was giving us life … and proved NPH can ad lib when needed. And we needed.
Viola Davis – One day she will win an Oscar … and learn how to walk in heels!
Gwyneth Paltrow – It was crazy and risky and 80s and I loved it. If you are going to harp about steaming your vadge, you might as well wear one on your shoulder.
Margot Robbie – Now that she’s completely removed any trace of Jamie Pressly from the industry, she’s gunning for full Emma Stone annihilation. You have been warned.
The Hobbit is over but the elfin beauty trend has only just begun.
Emma Stone – There are two types of people in this world: those who can successfully wear chartreuse and the 99.99% rest of us. Perfection.
Patricia Arquette – Who does an Oscar winning feminist have to f*ck to get a proper blowout in this town? Equal pay for a good hairstylist NOW!
Rita Ora – People, stop trying to make Rita Ora happen. #fetch.
Chloe Grace Moretz – Pockets in dresses are cool, until you are on stage and they make you look like you are dealing with some sort of irritating rash.
Jessica Chastain – Always the bridesmaid never the bride. Say yes to the dress, just not this one.
Cheryl Boone Isaacs – Speaking of weddings, here’s the Academy President … and the mother of the bride.
Naomi Watts – The dress is Armani, but the sports bra is lululemon. The Cult of SoulCycle is real, children!
Jennifer Aniston – Perhaps the film industry would take her more seriously as an actress if she lost the Friends/Must See TV hair.
David Oyelowo – Don’t kid yourselves, the real reason he was crying was because he kept getting mistaken for a theatre usher. “Sir, is there a bar on the mezzanine?”
John Legend & Common – That emotional performance of “Glory” proved how far we’ve come … since Three 6 Mafia won for “It’s Hard Out Here for a Pimp.”
Idina Menzel – Local authorities say Adele Dazeem will not be pressing charges since it turns out the inappropriate touching was a total misunderstanding. John didn’t have on his contacts and kept mistaking her for his male masseuse.
Scarlett Johansson – Unfortunately, neither ScarJo’s terrible kryptonite necklace nor her lesbian ‘do could keep her safe from her A Love Song for Bobby Long co-star John Revolta’s Xenu death grip. Stay perfectly still and no one gets hurt.
Lady Gaga – Not since Britney Spears in 2008 has a raggedy weaved pop star fallen so hard and risen back to the top so quickly. But in lieu of a conservator, auto-tune and an upped dosage of psychotropic meds, Stefani Germanotta used her natural voice and a pair of red Palmolive bovine insemination gloves. While it’s ripe for ridicule, this look was the closest we got to a Cher moment, a Celine Dion reverse tux, Bjork swan dress or Demi Moore bike shorts, so all I have to say is … Applause!
Julie Andrews – 79 and flawless.
Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu – He won two Oscars on the heels of fellow Mexican director Alfonso Cuaron’s win for Gravity last year. Now this is the start of a Latino stereotype that I can fully support. Wepa!
John Stamos – at the Oscars? When you look this hot (especially at 51) anything is possible.
Ben Affleck – Presenting Best Director after his Argo snub. Nice to see Batman has a sense of humor.
Michael Keaton – But following Eddie Redmayne’s win for Best Actor, this gum chewing Batman probably doesn’t.
Cate Blanchett – Wearing a statement necklace that said: “This will be perfect for cousin Shari’s bat mitzvah in Boynton Beach.”
Jake Gyllenhaal – Was totally snubbed for a Best Actor nom. Just had to point out it again.
Eddie Redmayne – I know people say he’s cute. But I think he’s just a wig away from playing the eccentric best friend in the next Kate Hudson/Emily Blunt/Shailene Woodley romcom flop. Judy Greer better watch out.
Solange Knowles – Gumby in red! For the love of House of Dereon, who retrofitted her into this Christian Siriano haute couture strait jacket? #beyonce
Matthew McConaughey – The missing link in the Shia LaBeouf – Joaquin Phoenix douchetionary chain. He’s also a shiny blazer away from locking down a Vegas lounge host residency.
Julianne Moore – At last. Well deserved, long overdue and should have won at least twice before. But I must admit, I wanted her dress to gimme gimme Moore.
Sean Penn – I was going to say he looked ruggedly handsome. But after that tired green card joke, he’s still just a jerk. Apparently, nothing has changed since he was married to Madonna and punching photographers from coast to coast.
will i CAN’T – Just because the Oscars are held at a mall, that’s still no reason to dress like a Foot Locker sales associate. Have a seat, ma’am.
North Korean supreme leader Kim Jong-un debuted his brand new ‘do and exquisitely manicured brows at a conference on Wednesday, which appeared to have been inspired by meticulously shaved, waxed and tweezed Jersey Shore guido DJ Pauly D.
Gym. Tan. Labor camps.
But be forewarned, “fresh to death” means something completely different to the 32-year-old dictator.
- Thanks to Madonna, Annie Lennox and Prince, the 80s queens are alive and well and still ruling the show.
- Staying off social media all night, because CBS still thinks it’s 2008 and won’t air the show live for the West Coast, is freakin’ hard!
- Iggy Azalea has co-opted another racial identity—Swiss Miss.
4. As far as Taylor Swift collectibles go: Lorde & Lena Dunham are out, but Haim is in.
5. If the show gets any longer, they’ll need to break it up over eight weeks, cast Jessica Lange (*insert Madonna joke here) and call it a mini-series.
AC/DC – For everyone belting out age-inappropriate fashion critiques at Madonna, please draw your attention to 59-year-old Angus Young. He’s been doing this for over four decades… which, believe it or not, is even longer than the Queen of Pop.
Sam Smith – The Best New Artist is Ron Burgundy?
Anna Kendrick – Looking Pitch Perfect and the sexiest she ever has. Tweet that, AK.
Ariana Grande – It’s amazing what she’s managed to accomplish without the use of her tongue. Enunciating is hard, kids!
Jessie J & Tom Jones – He’s used to getting women’s panties thrown at him on stage … and she performed in hers. The Gaga/Tony Bennett thing has officially become a trend.
Kanye West – He’s done the impossible and actually made Kim look like the intelligent one. Where’s Paul McCartney’s unplugged microphone when you need it?
Kim Kardashian – in vintage Liberace. Behind the Kandelabra.
Madonna – The matador/French maid ensemble was the Grammy equivalent of Cher at the Oscars. And whether you loved it or hated it, you can’t deny she brought the drama and spectacle to the somber and lackluster set of performances during the broadcast’s first seven hours. While the disparaging ageist remarks show no sign of abating, the Material Mom continues to flawlessly make inroads so that one day – a long, long time from now – millenials will be able to appreciate someone like Britney Spears as she attempts to hold on to her singing, dancing and overall stage presence. Oh wait.
Josh Duhamel – Hello, gorgeous! Looks like Fergie may need to start fielding offers for a CBS procedural if she ever plans to attend the Grammys again.
Beck – Who’s the Loser now? Sorry Beehive, but he’s music to Xenu’s ears! The album of the year is currently streaming on an E-meter near you. His retro Mia Farrow chic is now less Hannah and Her Sisters and more Rosemary’s Baby.
Smokey Robinson – The new star of Groom of Annabelle. He will haunt your nightmares!
Jeff Lynne – You say ELO, I say GEICO caveman.
Adam Levine & Gwen Stefani – Both looking gorgeous, even if he does have more foundation on than she does.
Hozier & Annie Lennox – Sweet dreams are made of this … and an imaginary harmonica.
Nick Jonas – All together now, “I know you are, but what am I?” Further proof that he should remain shirtless at all times.
Meghan Trainor – I’m all about that face. Hatchet Face. I’m terrible.
Pharrell – He’s gone from working at Arby’s to The Grand Budapest Hotel in 12 months. Now we’re all happy to never have to hear this song again.
Katy Perry – She was serving Princess Leia meets Solange Knowles wedding dress realness. Featuring an intro by Obama and a domestic abuse survivor to further highlight its importance, the austere performance must have been some sort of penance for that Super Bowl fiasco. Shadow dancers beat sharks and beach balls every time, Katy cats!
Katharine McPhee – She finally made it to the Grammys and all it took was losing American Idol, three albums and a hit CBS drama.
Lady Gaga – With a career littered with meat dresses, egg arrivals and failed male alter egos – Jo Calderone, anyone? – is it weird that I find her recent transformation into a Real Housewives of Orange County the most offensive? Put your paws up, Vicki Gunvalson!
Jane Fonda – Further proof Ryan Reynolds was completely miscast in Green Lantern. Hanoi Jane for the win!
Keith Urban & Nicole Kidman – Ellen and Portia look amazing!
Rihanna – Say what you will about her statement red carpet dress, the bigger problem was her ill-fitting Men’s Wearhouse double-breasted suit. Oh Na Na!
Paul McCartney – I find his transition into a younger Maggie Smith quite brave. Legend. Icon. Beatle. Dowager Countess?
Sam Smith & Mary J. Blige – A fierce black diva and an out and proud gay man. They’re a duet made in Shonda Rhimes heaven.
Prince – The Mrs. Roper thing has now further morphed into a homage to Barbra Streisand in Meet The Fockers. THIS is what it sounds like When Doves Cry … in Boca Raton.
Sia – It’s good to see someone getting use out of Lady Gaga’s discarded drag box.
Kristen Wiig – Loved it! She’s a blonde Emo Phillips. And look, Sia has legs!
Beyonce – Descending from the heavens, the weaved wonder came to grace us mere mortals with her ethereal magic. But there was definitely one person who didn’t like her rendition of Precious Lord, Take My Hand from Selma … Ledisi, the chick who sang it in the movie! Oh Hail No!
The startled 40-year-old rap goddess did her best to attempt a facial expression upon catching a glimpse of her latest concoction in the club’s mirror.
After enduring public battles with the likes of Foxy Brown, Nicki Minaj and the law, it now seems Kimberly Denise Jones’ biggest feud is with her hair and makeup team.
RuPaul’s Drag Race season six runner-up Adore Delano borrowed a synthetic weave from The Shauna Sand Malibu Country Mart Parking Lot Collection™ and a sleek pair of Susan Boyle‘s industrial grade pantyhose and did a flawless Ke$ha impersonation at the L.A. stop of the Battle of the Seasons Condragulations Tour on Thursday.