Ten things learned watching the 85th Annual Academy Awards:
1. William Shatner and Kristen Chenoweth are Seth MacFarlane’s Rob Lowe and Snow White.
2. All future hosts must insist Russell Crowe “sing” at every Oscars.
3. Your chances of winning in sound categories double with purchase of Farrah Fawcett extensions.
4. If Charlize Theron and Halle Berry both show up, shut the red carpet down and send everyone else home.
5. Kristen Stewart hasn’t had a hot meal in weeks.
6. Jennifer Aniston’s rendition of “The Way We Were” was amazing.
7. Hating Anne Hathaway is so last week, which only means the Jennifer Lawrence backlash is imminent.
8. Bradley brought his boozy mom, Joseph G-Levitt brought Sally Field, Jackman his legally bound opposite-sex roommate and Travolta his wig. We still have a lot of work to do, people.
9. “Searching for Sugar Man” is a documentary and not another Bravo matchmaker show.
10. The Oscars orchestra is now located a half mile away at the Capitol Records building. Um WHAT?!
Just some quick words on last night’s Oscars, apologies for the repeats from my Facebook updates, tweets and TMZ posts. As always feel free to send me your rants and raves.
Seth MacFarlane – Love or hate him, I never understand why award shows hire someone with an edgy sense of humor and then are shocked/appalled when they make controversial, un-politically correct jokes.
Charlize Theron – Even with the Bieber hair, she can do no wrong. Flawless. She wasn’t just giving Ginger Rogers, she was serving Juliet Prowse Legs commercial realness (Google it).
Melissa McCarthy – or was it Abby from “Dance Moms”?
Channing Tatum – It’s amazing all he has accomplished considering his special needs.
Jennifer Aniston – Doesn’t matter if she’s wearing jeans or a gown, she has cryogenically preserved her hair and makeup from the Brad Pitt era.
Halle Berry – Pure Dominique Deveraux perfection.
Shirley Bassey — The ONLY Bond song. She’s seventy-fuckin-six!
Jessica Chastain – The Oscar was hers … if the Academy Awards were held in December. Damn you, Harvey Weinstein!
Catherine Zeta-Jones – Raven from RuPaul’s Drag Race, the time has come for you to lip synch for your life.
Jennifer Hudson – Every time she hits it out of the park – which is always – another piece of “American Idol” dies.
Les Mizzzzzzz – Thank God that’s over. And once again, thank you Russell Crowe.
Chris Pine vs. Chris Evans – Beam me up, Scotty.
Anne Hathaway – Les Zipperables. Ok, enough. Cue the “Jaws” theme to all the Hathahate.
Mark Wahlberg & Ted – Seeing that little monkey face squeezed into the tiny tux was so adorable … and Ted looked cute too.
Quvenzhane Wallis – Gazuntite! Three words: Keisha Castle –Hughes.
Sandra Bullock – Step away from the Japanese hair straightening, Sandy.
Adele – She now has a Grammy and an Oscar. Forget the EGOT, here comes the Jenny Craig sponsorship deal.
Scarlett Johansson – Should have performed her nominated song “Before My Time” … and WON! It’s better than “Skyfall”. No offense, but it’s true.
Kristen Stewart – Dress by Reem Acra. Hair by Down Under the 101 Freeway Overpass.
Salma Hayek – The dress had her more choked up and convoluted than her ramblings.
Barbra Streisand – While I can’t vouch for the “Melrose Place” choker, it ain’t the Oscars until someone pulls out the OG Kidman Nose.
Nicole Kidman – A funny thing happened on the way to the Oscars … she fell into the La Brea Tar Pits.
Renee Zellweger – ‘Memba her? Gurl, open your eyes because they are honoring your work in “Chicago” not “Dazed and Confused.”
Jane Fonda – Looked fierce as she teleported straight from Amanda Carrington’s Moldavian Massacre wedding. On Golden Fonda.
Jennifer Lawrence— Everyone loves her, but don’t forget you adored Hathaway right after Prada too.
Jack Nicholson – Who left the gate open?
Michelle Obama – She’s doing very important work.
George Clooney – Loving the sexy granddaddy beard … and I don’t mean his nurse, Stacy Keibler.
Ben Affleck – So we’re supposed to feel bad because he didn’t get a director nom after making a career comeback? Um, his rock bottom was making millions starring in big Hollywood films with his hot girlfriend … it’s not like he was holed up in a hotel room strung out on Oxycontin or forced to make cable movies about Liz Taylor. I’ll give my sympathies to the people who really deserve it … the first responders assigned to John Travolta’s hair and makeup.
10 Things I Learned Watching the 55th Annual Grammy Awards:
1. The only way peeps could hate Taylor Swift more is if she cut her hair and sang “I Dreamed a Dream.”
2. CBS needs to realize it’s the Twitter-first Century. Ya need to air the Grammys live on the West Coast, boo boos.
3. Between them, John Mayer & Taylor Swift have dated everyone at the Grammys … well, except Frank Ocean.
4. The manhunt for LAPD killer Chris Dorner can stop… he hosted the show.
5. Hunter Hayes is like a little Ryan Seacrest/Ellen DeGeneres.
6. Whenever “Someone That I Used to Know” is played … a hipster dies.
7. Per the Jack Sparrow statue on stage, Pirates of the Caribbean must also be a tanning salon on Ventura Blvd.
8. Seeing Chris Brown and Rihanna sitting together is more disgusting than her busted-face photos.
9. Adele’s dress is currently available at a Home Goods store near you.
10. Believe it or not, Mumford & Sons & The Lumineers are not “Portlandia” skits. I think.
Some more thoughts on last night’s Grammys. As always, feel free to send me your thoughts and comments.
Taylor Swift – The reason so many hate her is because they actually really love her. Guys would kill to sleep with TayTay and then be immortalized with a breakup song, while most chicks (and gay men) would love to be able to exact their jilted revenge… for radio listeners everywhere. Deep inside, we are all Taylor Swift.
Ed Sheeran – Don’t be fooled, he wasn’t singing at Staples Center… he was live from the Shire.
Jennifer Lopez & Pitbull – J.Lo’s dress was thisclose to proving she’s even more bald than he is.
fun. – Tread softly, boys, or you’ll suffer a fate worse than death… & become the new Maroon 5.
Miranda Lambert – She should come with a side of mashed potatoes and creamed spinach because she was serving a whole lot of white meat breast and thighs.
Miguel – White America, this is Miguel. Miguel, this is White America.
Faith Hill & Tim McGraw – Faith has braces now, and Tim wore a shirt. Oh, the humanity!
Lena Dunham – She wore clothes. Everyone wins.
Johnny Depp – Circus Peanut is not his best color.
Ellen DeGeneres — Has anyone else noticed how much more butch Portia seems these days?
Beyonce – Her outfit was perfect … if the 6:25 pm showing of “Silver Linings Playbook” at The Grove had a red carpet.
Justin Timberlake – Everyone needs to settle down with the Robin Thicke wannabe comments. Did y’all forget that seven years ago everyone called Robin the new JT?? He’s bringing himselfback.
Kelly Rowland – That dress showed off all of her Destiny’s childrens.
Frank Ocean – Don’t care what you thought about his performance, he beat Chris Brown and that’s all that matters. FYI … “Forrest Gump” is the song that deals with being in love with a man and eventually led to his coming out.
Jay-Z – Reading The Dream on stage. Somewhere, Christina Milian is laughing.
Alicia Keys — That performance dress was real sexy … for Condoleezza Rice.
Adam Levine – Cater waiter chic.
Kaley Cuoco & Pauley Perrette – CBS is a magical place. How else can you explain being on two of the highest-rated TV shows and yet be completely unrecognizable to anyone under 50?
Keith Urban – As long as they are contractually bound, I will never get used to seeing Nicole Kidman at music award shows. It’s even more bizarre than “Paperboy.” Also, let’s all take a minute and think about the fact that Oscar-winning actress Nicole Kidman is married to a reality show judge.
Kelly Clarkson – I will not say anything bad about Kelly Clarkson. I will not say anything bad about Kelly Clarkson. I will not say anything bad about Kelly Clarkson.
Rihanna – She’s come a long way since watching the Grammys from a hospital bed 4 years ago! She’s kinda like Chick-fil-A… you want to like her because she’s so good, but you just can’t get behind all the hate she supports.
Carly Rae Jepsen – Call me… a taxi back to Canadian obscurity, you Michelle Trachtenberg impersonator, you.
Sting – Holy shit, he’s 61.
Zack Brown Band – These days, the only way to decipher the country groups from the indie hipster bands like Mumfords or Lumineers is by the hotness of their girlfriends.
Jack White – For a moment I really thought Kelly Osbourne finally got rid of her ridiculous Dame Edna purple weave. F*ck.
Katy Perry – Her career has gone BUST.
Prince – Giving Linda Dano “Search for Tomorrow” Felicia Gallant realness. Somebody needs to keep him away from Talbots.
Kimbra – I just like saying her name. But will we ever again?
Mavis Staples – Proof they were selling Rite-Aid weaves in the parking lot.
Alabama Shakes – Meet Tyler Perry’s newest character … Young Madea.
Juanes – “Your Song” cover … Ai yi yi.
Adele – Rolling in the drapes. Styling by Mrs. Roper.
LL Cool J & Chuck D, Tom Morello, Travis Barker – It’s 11:30 pm … Ain’t nobody got time for that.