Things learned watching the 2013 Golden Globes:
- Tina Fey & Amy Poehler’s hosting was the funniest bit I’ve seen on screen this year since Russell Crowe in “Les Miserables.”
- There is one thing that took longer to come out than Jodie Foster … her rambling acceptance speech.
- The Jolie Leg must die.
- Ben Affleck should snub … whoever is injecting his forehead.
- Bill Clinton needs a better fitting suit.
- “Homeland” s Damian Lewis is so much hotter when he’s British.
- Adele owns one dress.
- The animatronics used to assemble Stallone and Schwarzenegger are defective.
- I have to manage to find the strength to go see “Lincoln.”
Just some quick thoughts on last night’s Globes.
As always, feel free to send me your thoughts and comments at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Tina, Amy & Kristin – You know what’s not funny about the holy trinity of SNL women … how hot they all look. Yowza.
Kate Hudson – Serving Heather Locklear-Dynasty-Sammy Jo Carrington realness. If she promises to never make another romcom, I’ll promise to watch GLEE again. Well, at least the parts that take place in NYC.
Dennis Quaid – If he has any more work done, he’ll be a Real Housewife.
Claire Danes – Post-baby fabulousness. Hopefully “Homeland” will finally give her what she so desperately wants … a film career again.
Honey Boo Boo’s mother – Oh wait, that’s John Goodman.
Jennifer Lopez – The fact that she’s a 43-year-old mother of twins is reason for why she should AND should not be wearing that dress. Argo fuck yourself, Ben!
Adele — She’s gonna cut Taylor Swift … with her nails!
Kiefer Sutherland – Rockin’ the gin nose.
Jennifer Lawrence – Where’s the silver linings play book … for award show gowns! Try again, Katniss.
Anne Hathaway – I’m trying to not be one of the haters, but that speech (both of ‘em) is making it really hard. Who would ever believe that someone was going to win an Oscar for cutting their hair and performing what has essentially become a Susan Boyle cover? A VMA seems more appropriate.
Lucy Liu – In the words of RHOA Kenya Moore, her dress was Gone with the Wind … fabulous?
Lea Michele – Jwoww she looks good. GTL = Glee. Tan. Lea.
Sacha Baron Cohen – Contrary to popular belief, it is not strange to find him sexy.
Quentin Tarantino – But it is strange to find him sexy.
Lena Dunham – And her. She’s proof that all you need to succeed at a young age is talent … and connected NYC artist parents! Not only does she look like Hilary Swank, but she also didn’t forget to thank Chad Lowe.
Robert Downey Jr — It’s as if the more off the rails Lindsay and Sheen go, the hotter he and his career get. God works in mysterious ways, chilruns.
Jodie Foster – Right now there’s a war going on in the gay blogosphere over her coming out speech. All I’m going to say is that if I was a college freshman and some loon tried to assassinate the President to impress me it might make me a really private person too. Better late than never, J.Fo.
Ben Affleck – Worse than not getting an Oscar directing nom – having to sleep with Jen Garner.
Hugh Jackman – Sorry, only one outing per award show allowed.
Jessica Chastain – Wearing vintage Amy Adams.
Daniel Day Lewis – Seriously, can’t I just say I saw “Lincoln”?
And finally, for any of my gay brethren who weren’t already pissed off for my feelings on Jodie-Gate, all I can say is … Les Mizzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.