Things learned from watching the 2009
1. Musicals are back, except on Broadway. RIP Grease, Gypsy, Hairspray, Spamalot, Spring Awakening.
2. With song & dance numbers, Jackman, Beyonce and “Milk”speeches, it was the gayest Oscars since … last year. So sick of hearing “they were so gay.” Um, it’s the Oscars not NASCAR, when were they ever not gay? Get a grip, foolios.
3. “Slumdog’s” 65 wins assure that we have officially outsourced everything to India. Press 3 and a customer service rep will transfer you to an Oscar winner.
4. Getting previous winners to introduce the acting nominees was cool, although I was afraid the losers might get zapped into the Mickey Rourke career black hole by the Board of Elders. Have mercy on us, Eva Marie Saint! Beam me up, Christopher Walken!
5. Peter Gabriel is gonna kill John Legend.
6. Other than Brangelina, Alicia Keys’ $4 Canal Street wig and the “Slumdog” kids, the red carpet was about as fun as watching “Revolutionary Road.” Let everyone do the red carpet next time!
7. Two words: Jai Ho!
8. Hugh Jackman is perfect.
9. Lisa Rinna took Joan Rivers’ red carpet job – and her face. Meow.
10. The only upset was me – because “Slumdog” won so many damn awards. If you thought Mickey was gonna beat Sean then you clearly put too much emphasis on the sham that is the Golden Globes.
For your consideration … my Oscar recap. Send me your comments, thoughts and criticisms; you know I love to hear them.
All the best!
Things learned from watching the 2009 Grammys:
1. Al Green, Boyz II Men, Paul McCartney, Neil Diamond, Smokey Robinson and Robert Plant successfully turned it into the 2009 GRANNYs.
2. If you attend AND perform at the Grammys while 10 months pregnant and on your due date you can wear whatever the fuck you want.
3. You can win Record and Album of the year with 99% of the public never having heard the song/album before.
4. Music award shows are nothing without some DIVAS, and Miley Cyrus and Katy Perry just don’t cut it. Say what you will about Britney’s talents, but the loon gives good show!
5. We will never truly see a Whitney Houston comeback. She left the building a long, long time ago, people.
6. Believe it or not, Katy Perry and Zooey Deschanel are not the same person.
7. Jennifer Hudson is amazing and really lucky … because if she had won “American Idol” she’d probably be performing at state fairs and mall openings with Ruben, Fantasia and Taylor.
8. It’s impossible to tell if U2 comes out with new songs or just repurposes stuff off their last two albums. Was that Vertigo? Beautiful Day?
9. Stevie Wonder needs a new seeing-eye manager.
You know the drill. Read it and weep – and then send me your comments.