The recap is back. Work was too nuts last week, so there was no VMA wrap-up. But were words even necessary? God rest her soul.
The Emmy peeps tried to liven up this usually stillborn show by adding musical numbers and setting it in the round. While the cast of “Ugly Betty” might’ve hated seeing everyone’s backs, I actually kind of liked seeing Vanessa Williams (but not her dress) behind every presenter and winner. In the end, no matter how many bells and whistles, comedians and pregnant singers on pianos you add, there’s no way to get around the fact that TV stars ain’t movie stars. Ultimately, no one cares! Plus, with more networks, cable channels and TV shows than ever, all it takes to have a program considered a hit is about 17 viewers. “Cold Case” or “According to Jim,” anyone?
Let me know what you think, betches.
Ryan Seacrest – So reading a total of seven lines counts as hosting. Um… okay. I did love how he managed to insult Sally Field by reciting her TV credits of Gidget, Flying Nun and Brothers and Sisters, thereby reminding her that she’s yet another film actress forced into television to retain SAG benefits! (Please see Glenn Close, Kyra Sedgwick, Mary Louise Parker). How weird will it be in 15 years, when Angelina Jolie and Cameron Diaz both have ABC sitcoms!
Ray Romano – I thought Ryan Seacrest was hosting the show?! His routine should have come with a two drink minimum. Please tip your waitress!
Jeremy Piven – He was the only person wearing more
spackle makeup than Lisa Rinna. Hair compliments of Tyra Banks’ new men’s wig line. Unbeweaveable!
Vanessa Williams – Ugly Yeti! – She is one crazy bird. Vanessa hasn’t needed a plucking this bad since her nude pics surfaced in 1984!
America Ferrara – Insert non-Ugly reference here. Further proof that in order to win an award for playing an unattractive, plus-sized girl, you better work your ass off to not be one in real life. I love that she is the poster girl for REAL women — just because the only ribs she’s showing are on her plate — not protruding through her gown.
Terry O’Quinn – (won something for LOST) While the pink shirt and sparkly tie were curious, he does have a wife, but she is much heavier than he — like in a Hugh Jackman and his maid/wife sort of way. Jury is still out on this one.
Julia Louis Dreyfus – You forget she was an SNL cast member – just like Anthony Michael Hall, Robert Downey, Jr. and Janeane Garofalo. STRANGE.
Tina Fey – Emmys got at least one thing right by voting 30 Rock the Best Comedy. Now, bring back “The Comeback” and we’ll forget “Two and a Half Men,” “Yes, Dear” and “King of Queens” ever existed.
Jaime Pressly – The Academy just told you what a great job they think you do of playing white trash. I wouldn’t be so happy if I were you! And calm down girl, it’s just an Emmy!
Katherine Heigl – May I have the envelope please – sewn onto the shoulders of my dress?!
Thomas Haden Church – He won an Emmy? For “Sideways?” “Spider-Man 3?” Is “Ned and Stacey” still on the air? Oh, for a mini-series. They still make those?? His face has more lines than Dina Lohan’s coffee table!
Ellen DeGeneres – The gold necklace/graduation tassel made her look like a lady – a little old lady! Nana, what are you doing with that pretty lady on your arm?
One-liner montage – In lieu of any funny new jokes, they decide to pull together clips of old ones. I’m on to you, ATAS!
Adrian Grenier, Kevin Dillon et al – Believe what you want, fellas, but the only entourage you are a part of is Piven’s! And I don’t care how many times you tell yourselves “Entourage” is the male “Sex and the City” – it ain’t! That would actually require the show to be funny! Hug that out, bitches!
Eva Longoria – She was bedazzling!
Jennifer Love Hewitt – Just saying her name takes me back to the ‘90s. Exit stage left, please Ms. Hewitt.
Jon Cryer – Remember when you thought Cryer was cool in “Pretty in Pink” – yeah that’s long over.
Christina Aguilera – Compare her performance to Britney’s debacle of a week ago. How did she pull off morphing into the classy one – before our very eyes?! She’s stepping out with her yet-be-publicly-confirmed baby!
Tony Bennett – While he probably can’t see two feet in front of himself, can somebody please get his wife some rouge and concealer?
Ali Larter – Gorgeous!
Kiefer Sutherland – Needs to stop spending 24 hours in the tanning bed. Cheez Doodle orange is not his best color.
Robert Duvall – What was with that weird “five Chinese girls” comment during his acceptance speech?! Nurse!
Queen Latifah – She should have won an Emmy – for Best Actress in a Musical, Comedy, Variety show, Mini-Series or Made for TV Movie Trying to Look Natural While Wearing a Dress.
Roots Anniversary – The saddest fact of the 30th anniversary salute was realizing that if Roots were made today, it would require giving Kunta Kinte 50 extra pounds, an exponentially more gorgeous wife, supernatural powers and a Manhattan loft. Oh, and it would have to air on the UPN – which no longer exists!
How in the hell did “The Starter Wife” get nominated for anything?! Debra Messing should have to give her “Will & Grace” Emmy back for making that piece of basura!
Hayden Panettiere – Nothing says cute, young and fresh – like a peach, plus-sized bridesmaid potato sack. She actually wanted to wear something from NY fashion week – not an actual tent from it. Was someone hiding in there? The cast of “Lost”? Baby Maddy?Cuba Gooding Jr.’s career? For once, heterosexuals weren’t the only men who wanted to get Hayden out of her dress.
Neil Patrick Harris – If he came out of the closet last year, why is he still pretending to hit on Hayden? Is he doing research to play a Republican Congressman?
Mark Harmon – If you’ve ever watched an episode of “Navy NCIS” please identify yourself!
Marcia Cross – or Jigsaw from Saw? – Just try and find a line on that face. Marble Housewife!
Judy Davis – She didn’t show up, either because she either didn’t think “Starter Wife” would win… or she was too embarrassed.
Glenn Close – Now starting at middle linebacker for the Oakland Raiders, # 60, Glenn Close! Or did they turn “TransAmerica” into a TV show? Such a handsome woman!
Mary Louise Parker – The coolest chick in the room, bar none – next to Elaine Stritch!
Bury My Heart at Wounded Knee – ‘Cause I know you wanted to hear that name one more fuckin’ time!
Jersey Boys salute – And I thought Journey ended the Sopranos on a gay note!
Sopranos cast minus one Drea de Matteo – Not even her old cast can forgive her for working on “Joey”!
Sally Field – Drink yer juice Shelby! You are an actress, not Cindy Sheehan.
Helen Mirren – For once, she looked like a hot boiled mess. And leave the pocketbook at your seat. Nobody wants to steal your Kleenex, and hard candy!
Lewis Black – In the name of John Candy, Chris Farley and Sam Kinison: Amen!
Kathryn Morris – Where does CBS find these people? You know it’s bad when you’re on a network primetime show — and Flavor of Love contestants are more recognizable!
Masi Oka/Apple computer – Not so subtle product placement. And the Tom from MySpace cameo was a nice Fox/News Corp. synergistic touch, Rupert Murdoch!
Al Gore – What was Patricia Heaton doing during Gore’s standing ovation? Burning fossil fuels? Lecturing Ellen and Portia? Making Tony Shaloub and Paula Abdul go through security again? Just curious.
Stanley Tucci – The Bald and the Beautiful
Elaine Stritch – The Not-so Young and the Restless. The yawn seen round the globe Even she yawned from the show– but then again she’s not used to staying up past 7pm.
Debra Messing – Is it me, or has she worn this dress before? God knows it must be hard to find a good dress when you have negative cleavage. Just ask Felicity Huffman!
Kate Walsh – Her dress was going to the Emmys, her hair – to a roller skating party in the ‘70s.
Lisa Rinna – TV Guide fired Joan Rivers — but kept her cheekbones! Now she’s Dancing with the SCARS.
Joan & Melissa — RIP