February | 2007 | J.LO | The Johnny Lopez

2007 Oscars

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February 27, 2007 // Award Shows, Oscars

Things I learned from watching the 79th Annual Academy Awards:

1. The 2007 Academy Awards shall go down as the Lesbian Oscars. From Ellen & Melissa to Jodie & Latifah, the ladies who love ladies were out, well sorta, in full force. Let the red carpet munching begin!

2. The Academy thinks the home audience loves vignettes and montages. There were so many dreadfully long ones last night, that I dozed off and saw my life flash ever-so edited before my eyes, and set to a Ennio Morricone soundtrack.

3. Because of that amazing dance troop, somewhere Debbie Allen is slicing her wrists and paying for all her previous Oscar telecast interpretive dances… in sweat.

4. My heart goes out to my East Coast brethren, because staying up until 1 AM to watch the show’s bitter end is a feat in itself. But to everyone who complains that the Oscars are long and boring, I ask: It’s the SEVENTY-NINTH annual edition, have you ever watched them before? Because I can’t remember the last time they were under three hours or edited a la Michael Bay.

5. Academy voters listened to my SAG recap plea and didn’t bestow anymore undue praise on ‘the little movie that blew,’ “Little Miss Sunshine.” Hallelujah! I’m so SuperFreakin’ happy!

Like a good editor, I’m just gonna cut to the chase. Here is my recap of the 2007 Academy Awards. Please forward any comments or complaints to me at thejohnnylopez@gmail.com. You can also check out the recap on my blog at www.johnnylopez.com.

Check out all the Oscar pics at www.wireimage.com/Oscars.

As always, email me if you want to be added to the distribution list.

Anyways, I’m out.

Ciao!

Johnny

Ellen DeGeneres – Brava! See, lesbians can be funny! And I can’t believe she uttered the word “gay!” If only she would dare say it on her talk show every now and then.

Portia di Rossi – The hottest lesbian in Hollywood since, um, since, er, um, er… Ladies and gentleman, the hottest lesbian in Hollywood.

Nicole Kidman – She was there to present, so she came dressed as a present! Ho!Ho!Ho! Did she learn nothing from Charlize’s bowrrific ensemble last year? Actually, her red pipe cleaner dress grew on me as the night went on. It looked much better on stage than against the red carpet. And isn’t this what we want at the Oscars? Kudos to Kidman for adding a little drama to an otherwise tepid red carpet.

Daniel Craig – You can have your Oscar. I want a DANIEL! Sumptuous!

Maggie Gyllenhaal – What is it about Mags, that everything she wears, no matter how glamorous, comes off looking like a second hand flea market find. I know she embodies that whole Lower East Side emo-hipster-I-wear-granny-dresses look, but c’mon it’s the Oscars! What the hell was in her hair? If only she had a gay brother to give her styling tips! At least Peter Sarsgaard cleaned up well.

Will Ferrell & Jack Black – In “We want to host the Oscars next year.” Write this down: For once I actually thought Jack Black was funny. Could these two finally be winning over the gay audience? If so, please destroy any remnants of Tenacious D. Following the Grammy trend, I see Will is also getting his hairstyling advice from Rhea Pearlman.

Abigail Breslin & Jaden Smith – Hyde Class of 2017. Will & Jada should spend less time putting Jaden in films and more time teaching him to read! Now that Abigail didn’t win her Oscar, how long before she’s in the maternity ward next to Keisha Castle-Hughes?

James McAvoy – It’s not hard to look cute when your most famous role is playing a man-goat in “Narnia.”

Jessica Biel – She really needs to stop with the lat pulldowns. She’s surpassing Madonna-arms and heading into Carrot Top-sized muscle proportions. That being said, her crossover from TV land to the film world has been “7 th Heaven.” (Sorry Sarah Michelle and Jennifer Love.) Was not a fan of the Barney-dress or the frizzy schoolteacher do either. To say nothing of the matchy-matchy magenta lipstick!

Rachel Weisz – Good but not very memorable. Like her career.

Alan Arkin – The tranny that Eddie Murphy picked up on Santa Monica Blvd. in ’97 wound up dead a few months later. That’s all I’m saying.

Eddie Murphy – Honey, his best acting role was getting the world to forget he loves trannies! At least he can take comfort in knowing he’ll be able to hit the sale rack at Chicos for “Norbit 2.” Tracey Edmunds is the biggest beard since ZZ Top.

Mark Wahlberg – Let me tell ya, when I think about Marky Mark, I get such a ‘good vibration!’ Ewww Weeee! That boy is fine.

Jackie Earle Haley – He’ll now have a very long career in loads of films… about Nosferatu!

Randy Newman/James Taylor performance – America sets the Guinness Book World Record for synchronized bathroom-going.

Melissa Etheridge – Drag King. Who woulda thunk you’d ever see Tammy Lynn Michaels at the Oscars?? Actually, after “Popular” was cancelled, who ever thought you’d hear from her, period? There’s hope for all of us. And that’s right peeps, Tammy is Melissa’s WIFE. Not girlfriend. Not lover. Not partner. WIFE! Get used to it, haters!

Leonardo DiCaprio – Like a fine George Clooney, he gets better with age.

Al Gore – Who cares about the White House when you get to go to the Vanity Fair party?! Poor Tipper, she still thinks she’s going to a political fundraiser. All that money and the best she can do is a Bill Blass gown. Bill Blass??? Is it 1981?? Now that’s an inconvenient truth!

Cameron Diaz – Loved the tan and brown hair. The dress came compliments of Dunder Mifflin Paper Company.

Ben Affleck – The Academy was like, “You can come, but Garner can’t. Tell her the Emmys are in Sept.” Oscar winner for ALLEGEDLY writing a screenplay.

Emily Blunt – Fabulous! And you know I’m not a fan of the glitterati dress trend!

Anne Hathaway – The Devil Wears Prada, not Rorschach inkblots! She is in need of some serious retail therapy. Poor thing couldn’t get it right, if her life depended on it. And it does.

Meryl Streep – Look what Mama Meryl dusted off from the back of her closet! Styling by Mrs. Roper. I hear she was outsourced to read palms and tarot cards at the Vanity Fair party. Was she not allowed to keep her “Prada” outfits?? Note to Meryl: Next time, leave the St. Maarten beachside jewels on the cruise ship. Still, no one gives FACE like Meryl. Hysterical.

Milena Canonero – Winner of Best Costume Design for Marie Antoinette – Or was it Frau Farbissina from “Austin Powers?”

Tom Cruise – You know your career is in trubs when, despite reaching Operating Thetan Level 7, the Oscar audience welcomes your entrance as if Isaiah Washington were entering the GLAAD Awards. Time to re-up that Dianetics subscription, Tommy boy.

Sherry Lansing – Ladies and Gentlemen, the lost Gilmore Girl. The best she’s ever looked.

Gwyneth Paltrow – Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair! Her next role: “Splash 2: Mermaids on the Red Carpet.” And then there’s mauve. MAUVE!

Naomi Watts – She was so close. Old Hollywood glamour meets… Charlie Brown! Wah wah wahhhhhh!

Catherine Denueve and Ken Watanabe – in “Babel.” Whose bright idea was it to put these two together? Last time I checked, Brits and Aussies were foreigners too. Translator, please! Can someone explain her gown to me? Was she preparing to compete in a bullfight? And was that Ken Watanabe’s wife or the Kodak Theater’s resident nail technician? How about we compromise and get her a Vera Wang gown?

Cate Blanchett – Stunning. An ugly-pretty girl never looked so good. Sorry Sarah Jessica.

Clive Owen – It’s a steadfast Oscar rule that the only people allowed to wear tuxedos without ties are lesbians and Diane Keaton. Wait, that’s redundant.

George Clooney – I feel so bad for the consummate bachelor, because if George were handsome, talented and rich, he’d have no trouble finding a girlfriend. Someday he’ll meet the ideal partner.

Jennifer Hudson – Jennifer Hudson has landed… from the moon. Andre Leon Talley is a sick prankster for putting her in that Miss Piggy “Pigs in Space” Reynolds Wrap bolero jacket. Can you say “ghetto unfabulous?” And please stop fidgeting with the car keys in your pocket! There’s no denying she has an amazing voice, but now, she, like Catherine Zeta-Jones, just needs to win an Oscar for acting.

Rinko Kikuchi – Holy harajuku girl! Spectacular! Loved everything about her look, except her black gums.

Adriana Barraza – Tia is that you??? Wait a second, isn’t she on “The George Lopez Show?” So cute! She was the best thing in “Babel.”

Eva Green – Double, double, toil and trouble! Someone was making videotape dubs, because what was Samara from “The Ring” doing at the Oscars? Or was it the bastard love child of June Carter Cash and Dayanna Torres? Regardless, on a scale of 1 to 10, she gets a point 007. Bad. Really bad.

Gael Garcia Bernal – Formerly cute. Que paso?

Clint Eastwood – Unlike Nicholson, Eastwood has to wear his sunglasses indoors because of cataracts. You know you’re old when people think you are robbing the cradle for marrying a pre-menopausal woman. Do you think Clint really knows Italian, or was he just winging the translation of Ennio Morricone’s acceptance speech?

Celine Dion – Resurfaces after being holed up for four years in Vegas. While her career-ending Caesars Palace cheesefest is drawing to a close, that can only mean she is preparing to unleash a new album of mid-90s adult contemporary pop-schlock on us. Regardless of what some people said, I think her green arrivals dress looked good… for her! Glad to see Papa Smurf, er, I mean her husband is alive and well.

Penelope Cruz – Golden goddess. The only true OSCAR DRESS of the night. A dress appropriate for nothing but the Oscars! I’m sorry, but when you are nominated for an ACADEMY AWARD you want your gown to be glamorous AND dramatic. This ain’t the “Meet the Fockers” premiere the Mann Westwood. I had no idea she & Will Smith shared ears!

Kirsten Dunst – Sporting one of her old “Interview with a Vampire” outfits. I hope she channeled Marie Antoinette and had her hair, makeup and wardrobe stylists beheaded for this revolting ensemble.

Tobey Maguire – Is he trying to look like Ed Grimley from SNL?? Nerdy chic is one thing, but there ain’t nothin’ cute about looking like a creepy postal worker. And I’m sorry, his girlfriend Jennifer Meyer may be a movie mogul’s daughter, but to me she looks like every girl in Murray Hill who works in publishing and lunches in Bryant Park. I hope there was a Jitney to the Vanity Fair party. Scratch that. She looks like Alexis Arquette.

Jennifer Lopez – Ay mija, que hiciste??? I just expect more from J.Lo. She still has the best makeup in the biz, but the hair was a little marmish and the dress made her look preggers. Hey if you can’t be it, dress the part, right? Also props to Marc Anthony’s stylist, cuz I could barely see the IV hooked into his arm.

“Dreamgirls” performance – Just like a defibrillator, Jennifer Hudson, Beyonce and ‘the third Dreamgirl’ revived the telecast just in the nick of time. Singing next to J.Hud, you know Beyonce was like, “Don’t I look skinny!” Yes, B you iz skinny and you sho’ can sing, but you ain’t nevah gonna get an Oscar. Not even a singing one!

John Travolta – presenting with Latifah — I couldn’t figure out who had the bigger weave! Britney’s blonde bob would have looked “realer” than his burlap bird’s nest.

Queen Latifah – The Lesbian Oscars continue. A blonde bombshell in sequined retread Goodyear radials.

Kate Winslet – In my book, Kate Winslet can do no wrong even though mint green on a red carpet is about as flattering as an exposed tattoo and a gown!

Jodie Foster – The lesbian Oscars roll on. Melissa brings Tammy Lynn and Ellen showoffs Portia, but poor Cydney Bernard can’t see the light of day for revealing to absolutely no one’s surprise that Jodie is gay. Thank god there is an endless amount of single-moms-in-peril films in development. Flight Plan 7, Panic Room 12.

In Memorian – The only omission stranger than Anna Nicole’s – Peter O’Toole’s. And where was Winona Ryder? She’s been dead for years. At least professionally anyway.

Helen Mirren – Can do no wrong. Now that she has her Oscar, stay tuned for a romantic comedy starring Matthew McConaughey. The patron saint of aging gracefully. The real reason she carried her purse to the podium: Winona Ryder was spotted in the building. Working!

Reese Witherspoon – The best Ben Stiller’s wife has ever looked! GORGEOUS. Although, I did think the hair was too casual for the Oscars. Like she was going to AREA with LC and Kristin Cavallari instead of the Vanity Fair party. Attention Britney, this is how a young, blonde mother of two gets divorced. Although, I bet she went home last night with Ryan….GOSLING!

Ryan Gosling – I wish he’d give me a Half-Nelson! So hot. Did he break up with Rachel McAdams or was she at home trying to wash those awful pink streaks from her hair?

Peter O’Toole – The Departed. Nurse!

Forest Whitaker – Many think he doesn’t deserve it, asking how he managed to pull off such a feat? No, not the Oscar win, but landing such a smokin’ hot wife??? Rumors are that the Travolta-Prestons are putting the full court Xenu-pressure to get the big guy to turn into Scientologista. RUN FOREST RUN!

Philip Seymour Hoffman – The lesbian Oscars keep on truckin’. Hey everyone, it’s Cynthia Nixon’s ‘husbian’ life-partner. She looks fantastic!

Diane Keaton – The lesbian Oscars are almost over, and hell has officially frozen over, because Diane Keaton actually looked good! I almost didn’t recognize her. No gloves! No men’s suit! No oversized belt! And most importantly, no Charlie Chaplin hat! To top it all off, she was drunk. I now have new love for Didi.

Sally Kirkland – Sally and her amazing techincolor dreamcoat! It’s not The Oscars until Sally arrives on the red carpet … at NOON!

Seventh Sign of the Apocalypse – Judge Reinhold at Oscar arrivals. Wha, wha, WHAAAAT?!

Lisa Ling – Repurposing Demi Moore’s infamous Oscar bike-shorts debacle. She must be so happy she left “The View” to cover hard-hitting news stories!

Joan Rivers – I love the TV Guide channel for allowing a 19th century silicone cyborg with Alzheimer’s to interview celebs dressed in a bloodied chinchilla fur. It doesn’t get better than Joanie!

Andre Leon Talley – Don’t adjust your televisions b/c that was not Whoopi in drag.
Vogue’s ALT was truly the biggest Queen of the night.

Madonna – FLAWLESS. Check out the pics of her at the Vanity Fair party. Pushing 50 never looked so good. What’s her beauty secret, you ask? Why, daily applications of hypo-allergenic Malawian souls, of course.

THE END

2007 Grammys

Comments
February 13, 2007 // Award Shows, Grammy

Due to the crisis in the East, my recap is coming a little later than normal. And by crisis I do mean the death of Anna Nicole Smith. You have no idea what the last few days have been like at work. Insane! But I digress.

Things I learned by watching the 49th Annual Grammy Awards:

1. By the looks of Hilary Duff, Shakira, Nelly Furtado, Christina Aguilera, India Arie and Weird Al, it appears the flat iron is (finally) dead! The perm is back. Long live Rhea Pearlman.

2. Rachel Zoe has retired her crown as Hollywood’s premiere stylist to the head costumer of 80s TV dance program “Solid Gold.” Please note: Vanessa Minnillo, Hilary Duff, Petra Nemcova, Carrie Underwood, Natasha Beddinfield.

3. If you are a musical legend like The Doors, Maria Callas or the Grateful Dead, your Lifetime Achievement award will consist of two sentences, a pan to your nearest living kin, and awkward applause. Now back to a performance by Ace of Base and JoJo.

4. The only thing worse than a bad host is… no host. Someone give me a joke, any joke. Even a bad joke. Despite 57 performances, the show moved slower than a Kirk Douglas speech.

5. Since the music industry has had a hard time creating pop stars on their own lately, the Recording Academy caved and turned to “American Idol” style theatrics to try to drum up some interest in the telecast and maybe discover the next Carrie, Clay or Kelly. They didn’t. Robin Troup meet William Hung. Will this whole need to get “the people at home” involved please end!

As always feel free to send any comments, feedback and donations to me at thejohnnylopez@gmail.com.

Until the Gay Super Bowl (aka the Oscars) on Sunday, February 25th.

-Johnny

The Police – The big news wasn’t that they reunited, but that Sting doesn’t age! Sadly, it seems he transferred those excess years to Stewart Copeland and Andy Summers. Sting looks great for 55. His wife Trudie should count herself lucky, although his shaved armpits are a little disturbing.

Tony Bennett – He also looks great… for 109, but is he really the best person to be leading Stevie Wonder on stage? Talk about the blind leading the blind!

Stevie Wonder – Wearing Paula Abdul’s dress in mens.

Joan Baez – Kumbaya! Someone’s been taking styling advice from Helen Mirren. Amazing at 65!

Dixie Chicks – Five for fighting! After being denounced, depressed and detwanged, the decountrification of Natalie, Emily and Martie is officially complete. I love these bitches, but Natalie’s white 80s prom performance gown was not ready to make nice either! But seriously, who needs Grammys when you get to go home to Adrian Pasdar from “Heroes”!

Gnarls Barkley – Or was it Big Gay Al Roker?

Prince – Everybody say it with me “Linda Dano weave!” The white suit was courtesy of Bay Ridge’s own Tony Manero. The man is a genius. He hasn’t had a hit in over a decade, yet still gets himself booked on the Super Bowl, the Grammys — and just barely missed out an Oscar nom. America loves midget, androgynous rockers in heels and a Spiegel catalog suit.

Beyonce – The only thing worse than her arrival dress – her Glendale Galleria kiosk polyester hair weave! Wash and wear. Her performance wig and giddyup, er, I mean get-up were a tad better, although the dress was so sheer you could almost to see her curly-qs. B needs to go to Churchill Downs and score some new weaves!

Black Eyed Peas – The only thing faker than will.i.am’s ear-cessory: Fergie’s chola accent! If Fergie Fugs really wants to be more ‘glamorous,’ she should consider lowering the hems on her red carpet nighties to just below her black eyed V.

Mary J. Blige – Who doesn’t worship at the Church of Blige? That being said, I don’t mean to haterate, but haven’t we been hearing about her drug days for the last 7 years?? I’m glad she finally got her Grammys, but girl needs to let it rest. Hallelujah, holla back! And it doesn’t matter how many buns she puts in her hair, there ain’t nothin’ that can make an exposed tattoo and a gown look classy. Just ask Melanie Griffith. Loved the red 70s jumpsuit/Farrah hair a million times more.

Queen Latifah – Even Al Gore would have looked more comfortable in her dress. Contrary to popular belief, Beyonce isn’t the person who wants Jennifer Hudson killed the most. If anyone’s career is about to be hijacked, it’s Tifah’s!

Justin Timberlake – Raise your hand if you are tired of his bringing suitsback look! I mean, it looks great and everything, but he’s getting so predictable and boring. Snore. And I could have done without the whole “Blair Witch” element of “What Goes Around.”

Robin Troup – She won a contest and got to sing at the Grammys. At the Grammys! Britney hasn’t even done that!

Samuel L. Jackson – “Snakes on a Plane” is no longer the worst thing he’s been in this year. That honor goes to his Janet Reno inspired Chico’s ladies sweater.

Pink – MARVELOUS! She had me tickled pink! The best she has ever looked. Her body looked amazing, she chose a chic black number, and even her power dyke do looked hot! But in order to get that Vogue cover, she better laser off those trashy tats.

Brooke Hogan – Looking like a classic Old Hollywood… hooker! She kept bragging that she did her own hair and makeup. You don’t say! She might wanna try getting a dress in her size next time. Daddy would be so proud, because she was the incredible “Hulk” last night.

Natalie Cole – Presenting with Ornette Coleman, who I swear I heard say “Spare some change?” Her hair, makeup and dress made her almost seem like a biological woman.

Corinne Bailey Rae – Adorable. Have you downloaded “Like a Star” yet? What are you waiting for?!

John Legend – So hot! Love his undone bowtie at arrivals, which Ludacris then copied during his performance.

John Mayer – How do you say, ‘lost all your cred by dating a pop whore’ in Japanese? His treatment of Ryan Seacrest at arrivals made Angelina’s Globes disgust seem downright cordial. I love his music — it’s better than Tylenol PM!

Nelly Furtado – Is “Promiscuous Girl” her “Sugar Walls?” How else do you explain her need to emulate a mid-80s Sheena Easton?! The return of the Toni Home Perm. Does Johnny Weir know his uniform is missing?

Natasha Beddinfield – Brit Ekland 2.0

Pussycat Dolls – Every single one of them looks like a “Pretty Woman,” if you know what I’m saying! Do they still charge by the hour if you splurge for all of them?

Christina Aguilera – Who da skanky one now, Britney? That voice could wake the dead, or at least Tony Bennett. How hard do you think it will be to get all of her Cheese Doodle orange tanning makeup off her white suit? Toni Home Perm strikes again!

James Blunt – The cute Jon Heder. If I never hear “Beautiful” again it will be too soon. You’re not at a weekend brunch in Echo Park. Dress up! And what was with Linda Perry and her albino girlfriend behind him at arrivals? That was a whole lotta strange.

Petra Nemcova – As long as she is with Blunt, she will have to be happy sporting all of Nicole Kidman’s Tom Cruise-era pumps. Her “Solid Gold” dress doubles as a thermo-wrap… should a Tsunami hit Staples Center.

Shakira – The new Charo. Perm-alicious! The Toni Home Perm done right! Don’t know how she did it, but mija took Beyonce’s Globes’ dress, cut it up, and made it look 10 times classier. You know I’m telling the truth cuz “Hips Don’t Lie.”

Burt Bacharach – First Barry Manilow and Rod Stewart morph into Barbara Walters and now Burt turns into a combination of Beverly Ann from “Facts of Life” and Annie Lennox. Tell me “Why?!” Are they casting a movie version of “Golden Girls” that I’m not aware of?

Seal – Winner of the Grammys alterna-tux award. Just enough rock-n-roll, but still chic and simple.

Luke Wilson – I get that Alyson Hannigan and that other girl from “How I Met Your Mother” were there because of CBS, but explain why Luke was? Is he sleeping with JT too?

Mandy Moore – Yikes! Is she opening for the Indigo Girls? ‘Cause all that was missing from her tie-dye couture was a pair of Birkenstocks and some leg hair. But you’d give up too if you read the reviews for “Because I Said So.”

LeAnn Rimes – You know she has a hit out on Carrie Underwood. The only thing disappearing faster than her career – her breasteses.

Carrie Underwood – Another CONTEST WINNER gets her Grammy. She gave the best impersonation of Reese Witherspoon’s “Walk the Line” performance I’ve ever seen. Yes Carrie, you can sing at the Grammys… just not your own songs! How much you wanna bet she has a sex tape?!

Rascal Flats – Can we do some DNA testing on the lead singer? I swear he/she does the door at the L-Word Bar and Grill.

Imogen Heap – Kudos for getting noticed Ms. Imogen ‘trash’ Heap. At least now moms in Des Moines have heard of you! The funny thing is that it’s not too far off from some of Gwen Stefani’s everything-and-the-kitchen-sink ensembles. Where’s a NASA diaper when you need one?? I actually thought the strangest thing about the whole debacle was her un-groomed eyebrows. Is it the 90s?

Christina Ricci – She looked so good that I barely noticed her usual resemblance to E.T. last night.

Smokey Robinson – All his botox gives new meaning to the line “So take a good look at my face, you’ll see my smile looks out of place.” I’ll say! And I didn’t realize Victoria’s Secret made sheer, lacey camis for men! Is Bobby Trendy his stylist now?

Lionel Richie – Hello! He sounded awesome. I don’t care what The Recording Academy says, but somehow I don’t think in 20 years Chris Brown’s “Run It” will be revered like “Hello” or “Tracks of My Tears.”

Chris Brown – Screw his “Stomp the Yard” performance, it was all about his James Brown dance homage. Hot!

Rihanna and David Spade – They wish they looked like Iman and David Bowie. It was more like Tyra and Ellen!

Hilary Duff – Yet another Solid Gold dancer with a matching perm. The return of the outta boro guidette! I had to pinch myself because I swore when she was on the red carpet I was watching lost footage from my ’89 Queens catholic high school prom. Can someone cue Richard Marx’s “Hold On to the Night” for me?

Jennifer Hudson – Two weeks and counting until the J. Hud backlash begins. Everyone knows your career starts spiraling downward the minute you finish your Oscar acceptance speech. Just ask Nicole Kidman, Julia Roberts and Catherine Zeta-Jones — to say nothing of Anna Paquin, Mira Sorvino and Whoopi Goldberg.

Red Hot Chili Peppers – Tell me I’m not crazy, but Anthony Kiedis was hot once, right? Now he just looks like Hilary Swank. And you know the women in the audience were not having all that confetti/feathers in their weaves. Hells to the no!

Al Gore – Um…excuse me, but let’s not forget it was Al’s wife, Tipper, who started the PMRC (Parent’s Music Resource Center) back in the 80s to censor music. So continue being carbon-free, but save your whole ‘I love music’ crap for someone who cares.

Scarlett Johansson – Brooke Hogan’s look done correctly. Since it’s a Hollywood law that when one celeb pop tart checks into rehab another one gets her wings, the part of Lindsey Lohan will now be played by Scarlett. And she’s on her way to a great start: breaking up w/one celeb boyfriend (Hartnett), then hooking up with another in public (JT), and now recording an album. Looks like it’s T minus 10 and counting until we see her cookie-o-puss.

Melissa Rivers – Was that her dress or was she late getting back from her mani/pedi/chin wax in Little Tokyo? Konnichiwa. Bangs by Alicia Keys.

Ryan Seacrest – aka the red carpet punching bag. What are we gonna do about this little bird shouldered boy? Someone needs to tell him that these celebs aren’t really his friends. You are not one of them. Impostor. Like a contest winner.

Madonna – No, she wasn’t there, but it’s been 25 years since her first single, “Everybody,” was released and Madonna Louise Veronica Ciccone Penn Ritchie is still winning Grammys. Even though it wasn’t televised (only about 10% of categories are), Madge took home Best Electronic Dance album. She may be a crazy wannabe British Kabbalist baby stealer, but I still love her. Sorry.

Ya se acabó!

Apparently, I’m not the only one who had issues with the film, as Mediabistro and World of Wonder gave my SAG recap a Little Sunshine of their very own.