January | 2007 | J.LO | The Johnny Lopez

Because the SAG Awards were so utterly uneventful and since my day job has been insanely busy, I am forgoing my usual recap format. Instead of my standard laundry list of thoughts, I am going to just give you my biggest gripe of the entire night. And no, it was not Ellen Pompeo’s Mrs. Roper Goes to Spanish Harlem outfit.

My friends, the worst ENSEMBLE by far was “Little Miss Sunshine” winning for Best Ensemble Cast! To quote SNL Weekend Update: REALLY?!?!

I know America and the Guild love a feel good Cinderella story, but can’t we let Macy Gray, er, I mean Jennifer Hudson fulfill that quota? Don’t even get me started on the Oscars, because I can’t believe it’s nominated for Best Picture over more deserving films like “Children of Men”, “United 93”, “The Good Shepherd” (which I thought was just ok) or even, bite my tongue, “Dreamgirls.”

As far as ensemble casts go, you mean to tell me Greg Kinnear, Toni Collette, Steve Carell, Alan Arkin, Abigail Breslin, and the guy who played the son were, as a whole, better than the cast of “The Departed?” REALLY?!
Better than: Leonardo DiCaprio, Matt Damon, Jack Nicholson, Mark Wahlberg, Martin Sheen, Alec Baldwin, Anthony Anderson and Vera Farmiga. REALLY?!

If you are still professing your love for “the little movie that could” then please explain to me how in the hell you seriously bought:

1. Steve Carell’s character bumping into his ex at the rest stop on the highway. REALLY?! This isn’t an episode of “Friends” people!

2. That this family didn’t know what went on at kiddie beauty pageants. REALLY?! Did the local news in their part of Albuquerque not cover the whole Jon Benet Ramsey case? Even my relatives in Cuba know what goes on and they only have electricity on alternate Tuesdays!

3. That Toni Collette’s character would go to all this trouble to get her daughter to a beauty pageant, yet has no clue what her daughter’s routine is until she’s on stage? REALLY?!

4. That Steve Carell’s character would dash his nephew’s Air Force Academy dreams on the spot by telling him they don’t let in guys who are color blind. REALLY?! You mean you wouldn’t google the Academy rules first to be sure or at least wait until you get home.REALLY?! And since when are rebellious goth teens clamoring to get into the Armed Forces? Do they not make Dungeons & Dragons anymore?

5. The family driving around with Alan Arkin’s dead body in the van. REALLY?! Actually, I thought this was funny too…in “National Lampoon’s Vacation”!

Now, I can enjoy slapstick comedy as much as the next fool, but please don’t try to pass it off as a real or believable story. Cause it ain’t!

And finally, if the Academy really wants to honor a young, up-and-coming talent, then, with my apologies to Miss Breslin, look no further than “Half Nelson’s” Shareeka Epps. She, my friends, is truly a SUPERFREAKin’ great actress!

Well, enough talk about this drivel of a movie. On to the Grammys on February 11th. I hear Beyonce has already commissioned Barbaro’s remains for her weave.

Ciao!
-Johnny Lopez
thejohnnylopez@gmail.com

2007 Golden Globes – 1/16/07

by Johnny Lopez

Things I learned from the 2007 Golden Globe Awards:

1.The bowtie is dead. Long live the black regular tie.
2.Red, red lips make most women look clownish—at least on television.
3.Metallic dresses are great for walking the runways of the Westside Piers and the corner of Highland + Santa Monica Blvd.
4.As seen by the influx of white dresses, The Druids are controlling the Hollywood fashion biz.
5.Don’t let Warren Beatty speak.
6.People actually watch “Monk,” “House” and “The Closer.”

With the world of TV and film coming together at the Globes, it makes for a lengthy recap. (Sorry Greg!). Check out pics here: Wire Image

Send any comments or feedback to me at:

thejohnnylopez@gmail.com

Until the SAG Awards on Sunday, Jan. 28th.

-Johnny Lopez

Jennifer Love Hewitt – Apparently, the” Ghost Whisperer” couldn’t hear fashion advice as she opted for this brown quincenera dress. Felicidades!

Sienna Miller – Her Roman inspired gown left her looking like an ancient ruin. Didn’t Diane Krueger (remembah huh?) wear the same dress last year? Is “Factory Girl” ever coming out?

Patricia Arquette – Patricia may play a “Medium” –but she still needs an Extra Large.

Rosanna Arquette – Her black lacy funeral dress officially ushers in the death of her career. Yet again.

Gillian Anderson – Hopefully the truth is out there as to who styled Gillian Anderson’s scary outfit.

Jean Smart – Looking like a goth secretary boarding the Staten Island Ferry to her job at PriceWaterhouseCooper!

Jeremy Irons – Sporting the latest from Steven Seagal’s Last Samurai Collection.

Jay Manuel – (he co-hosted E!’s red carpet) – Leslie Uggams is that you? Channeling Lestat in his International Male catalog velvet blazer/pirate shirt atrocity. Hair by Brigitte Nielsen.

Geena Davis – Her satin aqua smock gave me the blues. What time does her La Cage Aux Folles performace start?

Rinko Kikuci (Babel) – Gwen finally let one of her Harajuko girls out on her own! Sadly, the pink faerie nightie was even more confusing than “Babel.”

Sharon Stone (w/sunglasses on) – Sharon wears her sunglasses at night and showcases her trademark brand of crazy to the world.

Beyonce – From Dreamgirl to Showgirls! She got her freak ‘um dress straight from the sale rack of House of Derriere! The gold metallic hoochie number seemed more appropriate for “Flava of Love” than the Globes. She should win an award solely for acting so moved during Hudson’s win. One good thing – only 36 horses had to die to make her weave! Luckily, neither Swank nor Melissa Rivers were involved.

Cameron Diaz – Cameron D’s froo-froo dress had so many bells and whistles, you could hear it coming a mile away. Run! Someone throw Celine’s backwards tux jacket on her, stat! Bring back the blonde Cameron we all know and (except for JT) love! Red lip victim.

Prince – Still sporting that Linda Dano weave I see. His yellow suit looked great — for the “Golden Girls!” The missing link between androgynous rockers and Boca Raton mah jongg players. Actually, I know his stylist, and you won’t find a nicer salesgirl in any Talbot’s!

Will Ferrell – I didn’t mind his 70s ‘fro. I just didn’t know he was dating All My Children’s male-to-female transsexual, Zarf.

George Clooney – Perfection.

Jennifer Hudson – Yes, we all love her. I mean, who doesn’t love a Cinderella story? But just remember, acting powerhouses like Pia Zadora and Madonna have both ‘won’ Golden Globes too! I just hope this doesn’t give Kelly Clarkson or Bo Bice any ideas!

Justin Timberlake – If I were JT I wouldn’t be so quick to mock Prince. Cross the Purple One and risk being banished off the face of the earth. Don’t believe me? Then explain the whereabouts of Vanity, Apollonia, Sheila E., Morris Day, Diamond & Pearl, and the entire Revolution!

Adrien Grenier – Proves a good shearing can do a boy some good.

Tina Fey – Great dress for a friend’s wedding, but not a red carpet event.

David Spade – The Rachel didn’t look good on Aniston, let alone on a pixie of a man. I’m talking to you too, Keith Urban.

Naomi Watts – She needs to flash her Britney bits or get a DUI if she wants to be more memorable. Hey Nomi, Kitson is just east of the Beverly Hills Hilton.

Renee Zellweger – 10 years since “Jerry Maguire,” and she still hasn’t removed the lemon wedge lodged inside her mouth! Will she ever be happy?

Jessica Biel – Looked so hot that I’ll almost forget the abomination that was “Home of the Brave.” Her body is the only thing harder than Sharon Stone’s forehead.

Emily Blunt – It was a big night for Ms. Blunt, especially when she got home and found Anne Hathaway waiting in her darkened living room… boiling a rabbit.

Meryl Streep – The Devil Wears BLAHda. I don’t expect her to wear cutting edge couture, but as the most talented American actress out there, and after starring in a film about fashion, can we at least get La Streep a flattering dress??? There’s nothing chic about looking like a teacher at Hogwarts.

Ben Stiller – A long, long time ago, in a galaxy, far, far away I found Ben Stiller funny. It seems only appropriate that he is morphing into Ted Danson. Raise your hand if you ever saw an episode of “Becker?” If you paid money to see “A Night at the Museum” then the terrorists have already won.

Salma Hayek – Didn’t love the white dress but when you look like Salma not even a bad frock can make you look bad.

Eddie Murphy – The one person Eddie didn’t thank – Shalomar! Oh right, he/she died shortly after Murphy picked her up on Santa Monica Blvd in ’97. I can see why he may be confused, but someone needs to tell him to stop hitting on Hudson and Beyonce. They aren’t drag queens… I think.

Sarah Jessica Parker – In that gold metallic dress she looked like she was starring in “Paid Sex and the City.”

Helen Mirren – All hail the Queen and cue Montell Jordan cuz this is how we do it! Flawless. All the Beverly Hills-ensteins take note: Mirren is the REAL thing. Elderly cleavage never looked so good!

Jake Gyllenhaal – He really is a Dream, girl! One year later and he’s still playing a gay cowboy by riding in on his horse, Hilary Swank.

Hilary Swank – Two Oscars and she goes and makes “Freedom Writers?” She’s just begging to star in a cable series.

Vanessa Williams – You’re on in five, Miss Ross! The hair! The fur! Diva! Crazy but I loved it. Valedictorian at Sharon Stone Beauty Academy.

Tim Allen – Apparently, Tim hasn’t watched TV since Home Improvement got cancelled, because Alec Baldwin is on “30 Rock” not “3 rd Rock,” as he erroneously mentioned.

Clint Eastwood – He’s come a long way since co-starring w/an orangutan in “Every Which Way But Loose.” See, there is hope for Matt LeBlanc! I hear Eastwood’s next film is semi-autobiographical and takes place during Clint’s teenage years in the Civil War. Not even Dirty Harry can look tough in a white bowtie.

Hugh Grant – Was Divine Brown backstage? Because he looked like he got it on with something right before he presented with Drew.

Drew Barrymore – Jennifer Lopez is that you? Gorgeous! Hot, tan and svelte. Complete redemption for her Green Saggy Boob Debacle of ’06.

John Stamos – A Greek god. The fact that he’s single makes me question Rebecca Romijn’s mental faculties.

America Ferrara – As Charlize and Kidman can attest, if you want to play ugly in Hollywood, then you better be pretty! “Ugly Betty” is the final nail in the “Desp Housewives” closet. Done.

Maria Menounos – Proves the only thing more awkward than being Rosie O’Donnell’s bikini waxer is interviewing celebs as they come offstage and asking them how they feel. How do you think they feel, Einstein?

Tom Hanks – Thank god he got rid of that “DaVinci” do, but did he have to give it to Clay Aiken? Where was Rita Wilson? Don’t tell me she was busy, because none of the nail salons in the Palisades stay open past 7pm.

Ken Watanabe – I know he’s Japanese, but did he have to bring his geisha with him? I mean, Trump brought his whore with him too, but at least he left his butler at home.

Warren Beatty – His acceptance speech was courtesy of BABBLE. It made Dick Clark seem like Barack Obama. To think Madonna was hitting that 17 years ago. That’s right, SEVENTEEN years ago!

Annette Bening – Drink Sue Ellen, Drink. Even when not up against Swank, she still can’t win. In that dress, she had everyone wondering what time the sack races started.

Steven Spielberg – Where was Kate Capshaw, you ask? See Rita Wilson.

Reese Witherspoon – Kellie Pickler, what have you done with Ms. Witherspoon?! She seems so much lighter having lost those last 180 lbs, aka Ryan Phillippe. If Jake G. isn’t screwing her on the set of their new film, then he really is gay.

Sacha Baron Cohen – the male Ugly Betty. I liiiike!

Jennifer Lopez – Gorge! I can excuse the bad films, the diva behavior, the cheesy MTV dance show, even her runt husband. But if she turns into a Cruisazy Scientologist, we will have to take her out—Lady Di style. Leah Remini must be stopped.

David Arquette – When did he become the prettiest Arquette?

Philip Seymour Hoffman – in Kaput.

Brangelina – Granted it was Brad’s night, but she can’t play the whole ‘I don’t care for these events’ card while dressed in couture and blood diamonds, let alone the 12 lbs of cover up used to hide her trashy tattoos. With her Benetton brood at capacity, now she just needs to adopt a new attitude.

Forrest Whitaker – Nice guy, great performance and gorgeous wife, but the fact that he starred in “Battlefield Earth” scares me more than Idi Amin.

Arnold Schwarzenegger – You know the Hollywood Foreign Press didn’t want to play the Red States/Blue States game by bestowing an award on Warren Beatty without giving the Governator airtime too.

Penelope Cruz – Between her and Angelina, Ryan Seacrest got no love last night. A man should never ask a lady about her beard. I don’t care if it is as cute as Orlando Bloom.

Kate Winslet – With her possible 5th Oscar nom, she is on her way to becoming the Susan Lucci of the Academy Award. Another red lipstick victim.

Will & Jada-Pinkett Smith – Even Will would look more feminine in that peach dress than she did.

Aaron Eckhart – Hot!

Toni Collette – Unrecognizable! Should Cameron Diaz not be able to fulfill her duties, Miss Collette will be crowned the new Cameron Diaz.

Abigail Breslin – I heard Abigail and Dakota Fanning had a big fight at Chuck E. Cheese last night over Freddie Highmore, but he wound up leaving with Bindi Irwin to go to Hannah Montana’s after hours.

Ben Affleck – He’s back to looking hot. Interesting that he and J.Lo both downgraded after their breakup. Is that The Gigli effect?

Jen Garner – That white dress was the worst thing she’s been in since “Elektra” or “Daredevil” or “13 Going on 30” or…

Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu – (director of Babel) – Salma, Ugly Betty, Penelope, J.Lo, Volver, Pan’s Labyrinth, Alfonso Cuaron’s Children of Men – The Hispanics are taking ovah! Coño!

“Heroes”cast – “Lost,” who? The first season isn’t over and Ali Larter has already begun losing weight. She does look great though.

Ellen Pompeo – Calista Zellweger or Renee Flockhart. You decide.

Patrick Dempsey – I am officially McOver him. Next.

Michael C. Hall – The anti-metrosexual. He actually got hotter going from playing a gay man in “Six Feet Under” to playing a straight murderer in “Dexter.”

Elizabeth Perkins – Something’s wrong. She’s hot and hip in “Weeds” and a marm in real life. It’s Ugly Liz.

Jeremy Piven – Hollywood’s Chia Pet. Miraculously, his hair just keeps growing and growing.

Chloe Sevigny – A definite improvement for her, but still didn’t love it. A perfect dress – for dinner at Captain Steubing’s table.

Teri Hatcher – She got 0.00 media coverage. Yep, she’s back to has-been.

Steven Cojocaru – The Rachel strikes yet again!

Ryan Seacrest – He’s great at interviewing celebs to sleep. Bring back Kathy Griffin and Isaac Mizrahi!

Favorite Joanism – Rivers asking 10-year-old Abigail Breslin what her beauty regimen is.

Favorite Melissa moment – When she finally galloped off screen.

The People’s Choice Awards – 1/9/06

Ok, I know you didn’t watch this pathetic show, but with the Globes on Monday I wanted to get in the recap mode again. It’s been a while!

You can check out pics of the show here: http://www.wireimage.com/GalleryListing.asp?navtyp=gls====252239&nbc1=1

Or you can just take my word on it.

As always feel free to agree, disagree, laugh or cry about my musings. Feedback, and donations,are always appreciated.

If you want to be added to the distribution list drop me an email at: thejohnnylopez@gmail.com. My email for recaps.

My other email is still my regular everyday email—for those of you that have that one.

Until Tuesday morning/afternoon.

-Johnny Lopez
thejohnnylopez@gmail.com

Queen Latifah – I haven’t seen someone look this uncomfortable in a dress since “To Wong Foo.”

Halle Berry – She wins for Fave Female Action Star and all people ever compliment her on is her beauty—so much for winning that Oscar. Remember that? Dissing Bryan Singer by thanking Brett Ratner for finally letting Storm fly this year will only guarantee that her non-X-Men roles will continue to be abominations.

Robin Williams – Someone give the hairy man some Ritalin please. Settle down Mork. You don’t have to prove you can still be ‘funny’ after going to rehab.

Emily Procter – (she’s one of those blonde actresses in one of those CBS crime shows) – 7 years later and peeps are still trying to outdo J.Lo’s Versace Grammy dress. Someone tape those puppies down!

Kenny Chesney – Slowly morphing into the killer in Jeepers Creepers. If you want to know why he never takes his hat off, then you’ve obviously never seen him with his hat off!

LL Cool J – If he’s not gonna be shirtless (like on the cover of his new book) then what’s the point!

Jennifer Aniston – Favorite Female Movie Star. Really? Did anyone see Rumor Has It or Derailed? She actually looked really good and she actually speaks! She’s been so silent all these years –other than in her fabulous films- that I was beginning to wonder. I still don’t understand how someone can have the opportunity to bear Brad Pitt’s spawn and they turned it down. LOCA.

Christina Applegate – Is still alive.

Johnny Depp – via satellite. Um…the only award show he goes to is the Oscars. And rightfully so.

Skeet Ulrich – Was “Scream” really 11 years ago? Did you know he was on a current series? Has he, unlike Brad Rowe, escaped the curse of looking too much like an already established heartthrob? Do you even know what I am talking about?

Katherine Heigl – Poor thing always gets it wrong. Can someone please put her in a simple black dress and be done with it!

The other black guy on “Grey’s Anatomy” that isn’t Isaiah Washington – HOMELESS

Rebecca Gayheart – Vehicular manslaughter never looked so good!

Adam Sandler – I’ve discovered the gay gene and it has nothing to do with fashion sense, witty banter, or the ability to throw a great party. Simply, there are those that find Adam Sandler movies funny (not gay) and those that don’t (gay). Except “The Wedding Singer” which is gay, Gay, GAY! So what are you?

Cameron Diaz – as the lost Olsen Triplet. What happened to her nose? If she’s serious that the reason she’s an actress is “for you” then I’m sure we can all find something to do with her $20 million per film paycheck. I’d pay her to STOP making films.

Ellen DeGeneres – She really is a butch Carson Kressley. Poor Portia. If it wasn’t for award shows Ellen would never show any affection in public. It’s obvious who wears the pants in this household, but someone needs to grow some balls and stop desexualizing themselves. If Letterman and Leno are allowed to flirt with guests, so should Ellen.

Wanda Sykes – Wore pants. You do the math.

Charlie Sheen – He thanked “us” for letting him do what he loves. Coke, hookers and gamble??? Whatever Carlos Estevez.

Vanessa Williams – Ok, I know I don’t watch it but “Ugly Betty” is a drama? Really?

Patrick Dempsey – Proof that you can be a 80s teen film star and still have a big career today. And then there’s Molly Ringwald.

David Duchovny – McDreamy meet McWeeny. What happened? The Echhh Files.

Hayden Panettiere – Jon Benet Ramsey Lives!! Save the Cheerleader indeed. The new Eva Longoria—from unknown to media onslaught in three short months.

Steven Cojocaru – There are no words.

Hannah Montana aka Billy Ray Cyrus’ 14 y.o. daughter – Let’s see how long he can keep her away from Hyde or Koi.

Best R+B song noms – Timberlake, Xtina and Mariah – Of all the R+B hits this year you’re telling me the only nominees you could come up with where 2 blondes and a quadroon! Crazy.

Justin Timberlake – poor Cameron will not be getting his dick in her box anymore.

Eva Longoria – What’s the name of her show that everyone USED to watch? I can’t seem to remember it. Wow, you too?

Vince Vaughn – aka the UNDEAD. The real life Lurch. Is Jen a vampire? Because someone sucked the life out of him. He’s slowly turning into the subway ghost in “Ghost.”