With no amazing performances, surprise guests or controversial moments – save the fact that transsexuals have taken over pop music (via Fergie, Pussycat Dolls and Danity Kane) — last night’s show was quite tepid. While I am glad they brought the show to it’s rightful home of New York –back from two muy malo years in Miami — it could still use some revamping. And by revamping I mean: keep it simple. Set up one stage, hire a non-erratic host and make sure presenters have rehearsed their lines. Once you have that down, I’m sure getting the Duff sisters to make out or Lil’ Jon to duet with Tori Amos will be a breeze.
Please remember this recap is supposed to be amusing and not taken so seriously.
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Until next time.
Justin Timberlake – He’s bringing Sexy and Michael Jackson back! Did he learn nothing from the last time he channeled Senor Jacko? If he really wanted to wow us then he and Timbaland should have ended their number with a full on man-on-man kiss. You ready?!
Jack Black – It’s really funny that some people find him funny. Sometimes, I just don’t get you heteros and your bad senses of humor!
Jack White (and the Raconteurs) – I think Jack is so weird. Not because he’s paler than Nicole Kidman’s ass, or because he bares a bizarre resemblance to Mighty Mouse. But because he dated Renee Zellweger for a year. Ewww. That’s some strange shit.
Lil’ Kim – has gone a lil’ insane. Why in the world is she trying to look like Joan Rivers and Madam from Wayland Flowers? Still, she’s good show.
James Blunt – All it took to bring him and Petra Nemcova together was a tsunami.
Andre 3000 & Ciara – She still looks more masculine than he does. Sorry Andre but the jodhpurs trend failed.
Black Eyed Peas – the inner city No Doubt. Hip-pop. Positive rap. Call it what you like but their lyrics are just crappy gibberish to me. Can’t wait to see their latest commercial, mall appearance or the inevitable performance at the Mrs. America pageant. Don’t let them fool you; the only color these Peas see is GREEN.
Fergie – Just when you thought it couldn’t get any worse than the Black Eyed PLEASE (you know I had to call them that at least once), along comes little miss vagi-skirts with a solo video, er, I mean album. Can someone please explain what “London Bridge” is all about? On second thought, don’t!
The Rock – With every ounce of fame he gets skinnier and skinnier. He’s the WWE version of Nicole Richie.
Shakira – Gorgeous on the red carpet. Proving you don’t need tons of makeup when you’re truly beautiful –sorry Xtina and Fall Out Boy. Mamacita’s been toning and tanning I see.
“Jackass” guys – No mas! We get it. You guys are crazy. Now please take your place in the reality show graveyard next to “Fear Factor”, “Paradise Hotel” and “The Bachelorette.” Except you Johnny Knoxville, please report to my room ASAP.
50 Cent and LL Cool J – The two hottest bods in rap and they wear oversized sweatshirts. That’s the lamest thing I’ve ever heard since Will Smith tried to rap again.
Lil Jon – Isn’t it about time we called Human Services. I mean seriously.
Kelly Clarkson – She wasn’t there but she won over Madonna. I’ll let that slide if you promise to stop your disgusting habit of watching “American Idol” every year. C’mon, please! If not I’ll force you to listen to Rueben, Fantasia and Carrie Underwood albums!
Pussycat Dolls – Who knew the other bimbos could speak??? Ok, very nice, you won. Now I need you to get back to your posts on the West Side Highway. Time is money girls.
Sarah Silverman – Sarah, if you don’t trip or fall then the MTV audience does not get your humor. To be quite honest, last night neither did I. And I usually love her. I’m just gonna blame Jack Black on that too.
Jessica Simpson – Did her stylist, Jessica Paster, put her in that Kelly Bundy dress? Somebody call Rachel Zoe quick! And has she been secretly working out with Nick because by the looks of her shoulders, girl can do a mean lat pulldown. At least she didn’t sing. Thank God for small miracles.
OK Go – Was it me or did the treadmill routine seem 100 times cooler on Youtube? Nevertheless kudos.
Sean White (Olympian) – I too thought one Carrot Top in this world would be enough. But it is nice to see a male one.
Paris Hilton – I barely recognize her unless she’s coming out of Hyde, or cumming in general.
Tara Reid – With every celeb under 30 in NY last night, I hope she had no trouble getting into Hyde yesterday. If you know not of what I speak check out this link:
Nick Lachey – So wait he really does sing? Who does he have to f*ck to get his song played on the radio? Or better yet on MTV? Which brings us to…
Vanessa Minnillo – Tread softly my dear because underneath the TRL studio you can still hear the ghosts of Idalis and Ananda Lewis gasping for airtime.
Nicole Richie-Escovedo – I’m rooting for the Twig Princess. I really am. She’s very witty and the most stylish 9-year-old I’ve ever seen. I heard after the show she was at Bungalow 8 canoodling with John Mark Karr.
Pink – Winning for “Stupid Girls” and having Nicole Richie present it to you — Can you say awkward? Her shaved head coif and unfortunate palazzo pants — even more awkward. But her new album is fantastic. I highly recommend it.
John Norris – There are no words to explain. Does Mystic Tan have a new hairline? This MTV dinosaur needs to lay off the Sun-In. Freak-A-Zoid.
Beyonce – Diary of a Mad Black Woman! CRAZY in love is right. Somebody please “Ring the Alarm” because there is some serious shit going on in the House of Dereon.
Excuse me Ms. Knowles, while there’s no denying you are a fab dancer, did you honestly think we wouldn’t remember Rhythm Nation 1814??? With Jacko and Janet representing via JT and B – who’s up for channeling LaToya and Tito? BTW, where was Janet? Miss Jackson has a new album coming up and needs all the help it can get. This time she better start readying her left boob.
Diddy – How he got America to run out and buy copies of Danity Kane’s debut album is a bigger mystery than the whereabouts of Suri Cruise.
Jared Leto – for his latest role Jared Leto will play a Goth. Stupid! Goth in HS is one thing. I’ll even excuse twentysomethings in bands discovering 80s Goth. But Goth in your 30s is just plain sad. Leto needs to find his “My So Called Life.”
Amy Lee – She’s a flop album away from scrapping her look and re-emerging in Danity Kane.
Panic at the Disco, Fall Out Boy, My Chemical Romance – Nice outfits boys. I had no idea Jane Austen and Edith Wharton were the hardest working stylists in rock. If the MAC counter near you is out of ebony eyeliner blame their labels
Panic at the Disco – For everyone (especially guys) who say they don’t like Broadway musicals, I call bullshit. Because their hit song has Andrew Lloyd Weber written all over it.
Fall Out Boy – Were they dressed for the VMAs or a prom at Hogwarts?
My Chemical Romance – Never mind the performance. That was the best ad the Observation Deck at Rockefeller Center could ever have hoped for. I’m so there my next trip to NY. (Which is during Thanksgiving btw).
Fort Minor – “Where’d You Go” – Eminem and Dido never sounded so good.
Kelis – Sadly she was going for the 106th and Park Ave Princess look but wound up like a 60s kindergarten teacher instead.
Little Miss Sunshine – I don’t get what the hype is all about. Sorry.
Avenge Sevenfold – Who? What? Why? I’m just too old I guess.
Britney and K-Fed – What? How? Why? I’m just too old I guess.
Missy Elliott – How happy is she that she doesn’t have to wear Glad bags – by default -anymore?
Hype Williams – proving you can still wear a hot tux and not lose your street cred. Superb. But Diddy is gonna kill him for not mentioning him in his acceptance speech.
Christina Aguilera – SING! What a voice. But I’m getting really tired of her whole “I’mnottrashylikeBritneysoI’mgonnabereallyglamorous” thing. We get it baby Jane. If she keeps pushing the classy image, expect to see her turn up as Elizabeth I or the Virgin Mary next.
Linda Perry – on piano w/ Xtina or was it Fievel?
AFI – MISS Murder, I couldn’t have thought up a better song title if I tried. The lead singer is the love child of Alan Cumming and Joyce Dewitt. Eyeliner is one thing but false eyelashes?! Like Shakira says, hips don’t lie, lady. It’s Boy George 2006. And everyone pretends they always knew Lance Bass was gay. Ha!
Tenacious D – No.
Queen Latifah – Three horses had to die to bust her weave out.
Al Gore – in “How to make an award show come to a screeching halt.” The inconvenient truth is that sandwiched between acts like Pussycat Dolls and Axl Rose, this segment was just inappropriate. And that’s coming from someone who really liked the documentary.
Jennifer Lopez – I see someone’s seen “Grey Gardens.” It was nice of her to take a break from her duties in King Arthur’s court. She proved there’s no baby bump, but plenty of booty bump. I know she’s going to get lots of shit for her shower cap ensemble but at least it was interesting and fashion forward. And hysterical.
Axl Rose – The best Tonya Harding has looked in years.
The Killers – “When We Were Young” is just waiting to be put into a John Hughes teen comedy (with Molly Ringwald as the mom.) It’s “Don’t You Forget About Me ’06”. I can already hear it being played in proms from coast to coast. Can you tell I’m having a nostalgic moment?
There are officially no real television stars! Film and music celebs are so much more interesting. And since all a program needs to be considered a hit these days is a weekly viewer ship of about 15 million, there are loads of shows with casts that NO ONE recognizes. Boy could this show have used one of Teri Hatcher’s I-used-to-be-a-has-been speeches.
You know it’s bad when the cast on Big Brother:All Stars is more exciting. Go Janelle!
I know it’s late but my job these days doesn’t leave for as much free time as before.
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Until the VMAs on Thursday night!
Annette Bening – Even without Hilary Swank nominated, poor Annette still can’t win a damn thing.
Barry Manilow – Sporting the latest from the Barbara Walters wig collection. I hear Rod Stewart owns one too. My question is: when he yelled “Alright Dick!” at the end of his performance was it meant to be a shout out to Dick Clark or did he finally come out of his Copacabana closet?
Blythe Danner – I hate giving any sort of Gwyneth-related praise, but Blythe looked great. That being said, the woman owns more shawls than an entire village of Italian widowed grandmothers.
Bob Newhart – Silly me thought he was already dead.
Calista Flockhart – Why, Mary Tyler Moore, look how young you’ve gotten!! Nothing says eating disorder like a return to primetime television. Are black teeth a sign of anorexia nervosa or was she just drinking red wine backstage? Since she’s got that new TV show this fall and dates Harrison Ford it’s pretty much an even draw.
Candice Bergen – Do me a favor and pass me Blythe Danner’s shawl cause we need to cover this up quick. Sporting the latest from Bed, Bath & Beyond’s Kimono-Cowboy Ready to Wear Collection.
Charlie Sheen – aka Carlos Estevez – Call me crazy but I think by divorcing Denise Richards he may actually be through with the whores.
Christopher Meloni – HUNK
Cloris Leachman – What Farrah Fawcett could look like if she had some good work done!
Dick Clark – I’m not going there.
Candy Spelling – What’s the going rate for a relationship with your daughter?
Tori Spelling – Since she’s ain’t getting shit from her mom now, she and her Z-list actor husband can start making Red Shoe Diaries films for a living together or at the very least a sequel to Mother, May I Sleep With Danger!
Farrah Fossil – The best she’s look since they reassembled her face. Correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t she fight with Spelling over money and left Charlie’s Angels after one year? Poor Cheryl Ladd was an Angel for much longer and got ass for it.
Kate Jackson – I believe she’s still up on that stage talking. And had Aaron let her make Kramer vs. Kramer like she was supposed to her career could have been completely different.Meryl Streep different.
Jaclyn Smith – She was always my favorite Angel. Still gorgeous but needs to stop getting work done before she starts looking like a Beverly Hills-enstein. Remember when she was the only celeb with a fashion line?
Edie Falco – Once and for all Mystic Tanning does not, I repeat, does NOT look natural! Unless you consider Cheez Doodle orange a natural skin tone.
Ellen Pompeo – If the look she was going for was that whole white-trash-unwed-teen-mother- 7/11-attendant-with-a-nuyorican-accent thing then kudos. Mission accomplished.
Eva Longoria – Next to the sea of relative unknowns (sorry “The Office,” “Grey’s Anatomy” and Gillian Anderson) Eva comes off looking like she’s a Julia Roberts-size supastar!
Evangeline Lilly – Gorgeous. Place your bets now: How long before she’s in a romantic comedy with Matthew McConaughey?
Felicity Huffman – Remember huh? What a difference a year makes.
Heather Locklear – Somebody apparently got the name of Madonna’s doctor! Now be a doll and give their # to Fawcett.
Heidi Klum – Her next reality show should be called Project Tubes Tied. The girl is so fertile that Hezbollah just attacked her.
Howie Mandel – Who let him get famous again? Did we learn nothing from his 80s rubber glove over the nose trick? He and Joey Lawrence are trying to pull a McConaughey/Gyllenhall –only they are vying for the Mr. Clean role instead of Lance Armstrong.
Jamie Pressly – Am I suppose to be impressed she got nominated for basically playing her pre-(and possibly post)Hollywood self? I guess those 583 FHM covers finally paid off.
James Woods – He’s dating a 20-year-old but he’s TWENTY-times-three-years-old. Somebody check his Jon Benet alibi!
Jennifer Love Hewitt – She’s growing up. How can I tell? Her hips don’t lie. As Barry Manilow can attest to.
Jeremy Piven – Let’s see. He brought his mom, wore an ascot and mentioned fluffer in his acceptance sheet. What do you think he’s trying to tell us? Hmmm.
Joan Collins – Somebody oughta stop letting granny do her own makeup!
Julia-Louis Dreyfus – Hasn’t aged since the “Seinfeld” finale. When you’re married to an albino, how can you possibly almost forget to thank him?
Katherine Hiegl – No, don’t worry. That wasn’t Charlize Theron at the Emmys. It was just one of the droves of unknown actresses on “Grey’s Anatomy.”
Leslie Jordan – (Beverly Leslie from Will and Grace) – a non-“Brokeback” gay reference at an award show?? But this isn’t the Tonys!
Mariska Hargitay – Fantabulous. She takes after her mom, Jayne Mansfield, and has a good head on her shoulders.
Matthew Perry – A new Matthew Perry TV show can only mean one thing: Let the weight fluctuations begin!
Megan Mullally – The thing is, everyone wants to see Karen Walker’s talk show NOT Megan Mullally’s! What is she thinking?
Patrick Dempsey – He had the best head of hair of the night. Well, besides Tyra’s wig of course.
Ray Liotta – Or was it a Rhesus Monkey? Global warming wouldn’t be such an issue if only the Polar icecaps were as frozen as his face.
Ron Livingston – Y’all can have Pitt, Clooney and Depp. Give me Livingston and I’ll call it a day. Yum.
Sean Hayes – Now with the show cancelled, his Lance Bass moment should be no more than 24-36 months away.
Simon Cowell – In the words of Valerie Cherish, “I don’t need to see that!” I haven’t seen that much exposed cleavage since the 2004 Super Bowl.
Steve Carell – With the exception of Rainn Wilson, how cute has the cast of “The Office” gotten in these two years?! Not that I know their names.
Tina Fey – With Tina not returning to the show, the only reason left to watch SNL is to get your Saturday night guests to leave sooner.
Tom Selleck – God bless ’em. Someone’s gotta keep the 70s porn look alive.
Tony Shaloub – One day soon people will start watching “Monk” and then he’ll finally be able to get his name off the no-fly list.
Tyra Banks – Her dress cost $55K and her jewels $3 million. And we wonder why the world hates Americans! I haven’t seen someone pose this hard since Garth Brooks came out with Chris Gaines.
Virginia Madsen – I see what she bought with her “Sideways” money –tits!
Jean Smart – Looking young is always good. But looking like a young Tanya Tucker –not so good.
Leah Remini – Her exchange with Ryan Seacrest over Suri Cruise was priceless. A metrosexual pipsqueak should never mess with a spicy Brooklyn Italian Scientologist. If Seacrest goes missing this week — now you know why.
Debra Messing – Everybody wave goodbye to the nice redheaded lady.
Amy Poehler – Doing her best Sharon Stone impersonation ever!
Chandra Wilson – Seat filler? No, just another one of those anonymous “Grey’s” gals. Can they please wear nametags?!
Cheryl Hines – She needs to Curb Her Enthusiasm for the bedazzler.
Gillian Anderson – We can finally take her picture off the milk cartons. She’s surfaced — although pregnant and wearing a graduation gown. Maybe the truth IS out there.
Geena Davis – It’s like staring into Jen Garner’s face after 20 years of botched botox.
Harrison Ford – He needs 20 years of botched botox!
Kyra Sedgwick – Even Amtrak doesn’t have a train as long as hers.
Lisa Kudrow – She should have won for “The Comeback.” Pure Genius. Rent it and see for yourselves.
Sandra Oh – The role of Mr.T will now be played by Sandra.
Vanessa Minnillo – Ladies and gentlemen representing Flushing, it’s Miss Queens 2006.
Portia di Rossi – I see a guest spot on the “L-Word” in her future. If Ellen will let her.
Denis Leary (and his wife) – I swore it was new lesbian super couple Ellen DeGeneres and Ellen Barkin. Strange.