June | 2006 | J.LO | The Johnny Lopez

2006 MTV Movie Awards

Anyone who gets bored during the Oscars’ overlong ceremony should take heed in the fact that not even MTV, the kings of ADD viewing, can produce a (taped) award show and edit any life into two hours. Just be happy you weren’t in the audience for the actual (more than two-hour) ceremony.

If you didn’t catch them the first time around, don’t worry I’m sure MTV is airing them on a constant loop.

As always, to be added to the distribution email me at lopeyj@yahoo.com.

So without further adieu, here is my unmitigated and uncensored rundown of Thursday night’s MTV Movie Awards.

Enjoy!

Jessica Alba – BEAUTIFUL. EXQUISITE. FLAWLESS. I don’t think I’ve ever seen her in anything bad, well, except maybe ‘Fantastic Four.’

Brandon Routh – Hanging on to his ‘girlfriend’ Courtney for dear life at arrivals. At a time when celebs with legit significant others won’t show up together, isn’t it queer that he had her present at every red carpet interview. Oh Superman we all know the va-jay-jay is your kryptonite.

Kate Bosworth – presenting with her not-so ambiguously gay duo (Routh and Spacey). Thank god she went back to blonde. Her brunette Lois Lane wig makes her look worse than when original Lois, Margot Kidder, surfaced dazed, confused and toothless in a Glendale, CA backyard in ’96.

Kevin Spacey – I understand why he won’t officially come out –he just doesn’t want to jeopardize the box-office on all those hit romantic comedies he’s always cast in.

Christian Bale – He insulted Superman and Joel Schumacher but then went on and on thanking other peeps in his endless acceptance speech. It was as if he was dying and this would be his last chance to say his peace. Note to Bale: it’s an MTV Movie Award not an Oscar. It’s not even a People’s Choice Award! With all the talk of his gaining and losing weight for roles, the most shocking thing was realizing that he still has a British accent.

Amanda Bynes – Or is it lil’ Jen Aniston? Only thing is Aniston wishes she had as many hit films as Bynes.

Anna Faris – Or is it old Ashlee Simpson. Poor Anna, she blew all the buzz she got for her role in ‘Lost in Translation’ to become the Steve Guttenberg of ‘Scary Movie’. You know what was a really ‘Scary Movie’ – Anna in them bad shorts!

Isla Fisher – After crowning herself the patron saint of bipolar nymphomaniacs in her acceptance speech, expect Isla to receive a rebuttal from Anna Nicole and Tara Reid very shortly.

Colin Farrell – He’s gone to rehab for substance abuse issues, but after Alexander, New World, Ask the Dust, Recruit, Daredevil, and Phone Booth, he needs someone to rehabilitate his sorry ass box-office track record. Good thing he sho iz purrrty.

Jamie Foxx – I blame Ray Charles and Kanye for his incessant need to sing or rap anytime he gets within 3 feet of a microphone. Bring back the funnyman Foxx. On second thought, don’t.

Eva Mendes – GORGEOUS. The question is can the world handle two hot Latinas named Eva? I also just want to say thank you to her and Timberlake. I didn’t think there were any ‘Brokeback’ jokes left to be made, especially since we all know what a riot homosexual love is.

Justin Timberlake – Escaping from Cameron Diaz’s bunker looking as yummy as ever. But I still demand reparations for his hand in the whole SuperBowl/Nipplegate scandal for which he emerged unscathed. And to think, had he and Brits stayed together he would have saved us from ever having to utter the word Federline.

Jake Gyllenhaal – Just as I was beginning to detox from The Gyllenhaal, he and his puppy dog eyes go and make a cool acceptance speech acknowledging how great it is that MTV viewers choose ‘Brokeback’ for Best Kiss. Sigh!! Now how do we get TRL viewers into Congress?

Jimmy Fallon – His hopes of a Mike Myers-esque film career is looking more and more like Kevin Nealon’s TV career. Perhaps its time Jimmy started schmoozing Lorne Michaels again – which would require going over Andy Samberg’s dead body.

Chris Daughtry – (singing in the Da Vinci Code parody) – Remember him? He proves that unless you win (or look like Kat McPhee), ‘Idol’ contestants have the shelf life equivalent of Trader Joe’s bread.

Borat aka Sasha Baron Cohen aka Ali G – The long lost immigrant brother of Cosmo Kramer.

Gnarls Barkley – With all the Katie Couric exit mania I completely didn’t notice that Al Roker started a band. Now that’s ‘CRAZY!’

Matt Dillon – Like a fine wine and Madonna, he gets better with age!

Kate Hudson – Reduced to wearing Mariah Carey’s hand me downs. Who are her stylists? TheBangar Sisters?

Owen Wilson – In the event that Ellen DeGeneres cannot fulfill her TV hosting duties, Owen Wilson will become America’s favorite lesbian talk show host. Sorry Rosie. (and Oprah).

Hayden Christiensen – I see he didn’t get the Brandon Routh arrival rules memo.

Famke Janssen – She looked hot and not like her typical EX-MAN self. Somehow she pulled off that dress despite it being from the Boca Raton Cruise Collection.

Rebecca Romijn– With the cancellation of ‘Pepper Dennis’ you can officially lay the term ‘star of the WB’ next to the Concorde, the Betamax and Clear Pepsi. The question is, how long before she’s hosting a modeling reality show?

Adam Sandler – I understand why he plays retarded in movies, now why do you do it in real life and go to his movies – ‘Wedding Singer’ not included.

Kate Beckinsale – Van Helsing, Underworld, Underworld 2, Pearl Harbor, Brokedown Palace. Poor Katie just can’t seem to ‘Click’.

Christina Aguilera – Mariah’s comeback torch has been passed. Hey Britney, did you know that in the 80s everyone thought Cyndi Lauper was going to be the one with the long career and Madonna was the flash in the pan. History is repeating itself, although, this time the one with the better voice wins. Xtina proves that, next to Britney, all you have to do to be considered classy is wear shoes.

Will Ferrell – Lo siento ‘Talladega Nights’ but I’m gay and if Nicole Kidman couldn’t get me to see one of Ferrell’s movies, nothing will.

John C. Reilly – John, save yourself and run, don’t walk back to the nearest indie-film.

Steve Carell – The anti-Ferrell. His movies I will see. Oh wait, that’s cause they’re funny.

LL Cool J – I can tell you one thing, not only the Ladies Love Cool J.

Spike Lee – Or was it The Count from Sesame Street?

Keanu Reeves – After years of defying space, time and acting coaches everywhere, it seems that Keanu is finally aging and at record ‘Speed’.

Sandra Bullock – Returning from her Oscar snub in ‘Crash’, Sandy Buttocks is back to her old romantic comedy ways. Now I know ‘The Lake House’ isn’t an intentional comedy but c’mon! A movie about a mystical mailbox – that’s funny. Now, if only Will Ferrell was in it we’d be in business. If you ask me her dress was more appropriate for a ritualistic virginal sacrifice than for attending an insignificant award show.

Vince Vaughn (via satellite) – While ‘The Break-Up’ debuted at #1, it’s no Shiloh Nouvel but I guess it’ll just have to do. I hope Vince realizes that there’s no way in hell Jen is ever going to let him make a romantic comedy again (unless she’s in it too). Correct me if I’m wrong, but I’m pretty sure she learned her lesson the last time one of her significant others (who shall remain nameless) co-starred with a hot actress (who shall also remain nameless.)

Jessica Simpson – Was that her dress or a wall covering from Chi Chi’s? There’s a lot of pressure on Jess because if Nick Lachey’s album can debut at the top of the charts then hers better cure cancer or something. First she played Daisy Duke and now she’s taking over the role of Pam Ewing in the Dallas movie. With a Puerto Rican Sue Ellen already cast and now a blonde stepping into Victoria Principal’s Eurasian shoes, it makes perfect sense then if they cast Dakota Fanning as Miss Ellie.

Dane Cook – What’s the quickest way to lose all of your indie cred/cult status? Co-star in a movie with Jessica Simpson. Future graduate of the Jim Carrey School for Over the Top Award Show Performances.

AFI – Lace gloves, a black bi-level bob and eye makeup that rivals Cleopatra. If it wasn’t for the lead singer’s tatted up arms I swear I was watching footage from Minnelli’s ‘Liza with a Z.’ Can we please put an end to all these poser Marilyn Manson-lite/80s goth wannabes?! That’s right I’m talking to you Pete Wentz (Fall Out Boy)!

Suchin Pak – The MTV VJ sports burgundy chunks in her hair, which is the female equivalent of Carson Daly’s ‘Hey I’m 30 but am still cool cause I wear black nail polish’ mantra.

Rhianna – or was it BeYOUNGce’?

Rosario Dawson – presenting Most Frightened Performance, which she should have won for ‘Rent’.

Jennifer Carpenter – the winner of Most Frightened Performance for ‘The Exorcism of Emily Rose.’ I think it’s awesome that she was able to get her shift covered to come to the show.

Jim Carrey – Looks like someone has the same hair stylist as Clay Aiken.

Zach Braff – presenting the award for Best Student Filmmaker. The winner now has his choice of working on such stellar MTV cinematic gems as Tiara Girls, 8th and Ocean or My Super Sweet 16.

Samuel L. Jackson – So does Jackson still buys his kangol caps or do they just ship him free ones constantly? Expectations are high, but ‘Snakes on a Plane’ better be ‘Showgirls’ good.

FIN

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