April | 2006 | J.LO | The Johnny Lopez

L.RON HUBBARD LOVES YOUR AFTER-BIRTH!

Brooke Shields emerged victorious today in the latest round in the Cruise-Shields Hollywood death match. Brooke gave birth to daughter, Grier Hammond, just hours before Tom Cruise’s opposite-sex lover, Katie Holmes, spawned her own baby thetan, Suri.

Last year Brooke and Tom showed no ‘Endless Love’ for each other when they traded barbs in the media over Shields’ use of psychiatric drugs after the birth of her first child. As the baby hype begins to settle, here’s hoping fans of both stars avoid any post-partum depression of their own.

BASIC INSTINCT 2

Tackier than “Glitter” but not as horrendously gorgeous as “Showgirls”, “Basic Instinct 2”, now set in England, still delivers more bloody camp than an ax wielding Jason.

Where “Basic Instinct” was a fun ride, the sequel is an out of control laugh riot. But fear not you purists, every over-the-top moment you enjoyed about the original has been re-done, re-worked and re-engineered into the sequel, much like Sharon Stone herself. Interrogation scene. Check. Car chase. Check. Techno club scene. Check. Ambiguous lesbian relationship. Check. In fact the only thing you won’t see again are Sharon’s vadge and Michael Douglas’ ass. Maybe God does work in mysterious ways. The ice pick is back too, but just for a cameo. Sadly it could have been put to better use to chip away a facial expression on Miss Sharon’s botox riddled STONE face!

Featuring classic lines like: “Even Oedipus didn’t see his mother coming” and approximately 77 references to making Sharon’s character Catherine Tramell come, the BI2 screenplay has more in common with Mad Libs than anything WGA registered. So regardless what Rob Schneider and “The Benchwarmers” say, run, don’t walk (because it won’t be in theaters much longer) to see the real # 1 comedy in America, “Basic Instinct 2”.

P.S. Note to Charlotte Rampling: FIRE YOUR AGENT!