- All it takes to host the Oscars is about three jokes, a selfie and ordering a pizza.
- Only Ellen can get said pizza delivered on Oscar Sunday in under 90 minutes. Mine took 105. Which is just about how long that pizza skit lasted.
- Words are not Tyson Beckford’s forte. #jessicaroberts
- Ellen hates Liza Minnelli.
- To the complete and utter shock of my 1995 issue of Tiger Beat, Jared Leto, Matthew McConaughey and Brad Pitt are now Oscar winners.
- With a wall of roses and a stage full of industrial grade body condoms, the set design was borrowed from The Bachelor.
- Pharrell, U2, Pink and Bette Midler cannot hold a candle to the media sensation that is the wickedly talented Adele Dazeem.
- The one person more abused and butchered with improperly healed wounds than Patsey in 12 Years a Slave … is Kim Novak.
- When I think of Hollywood heroes for a film montage, Kevin Bacon in Footloose is right up there with Superman and Moses.
- The Academy was very eager to praise a harrowing and important film dealing with the tough subject matter of the human spirit’s enduring ability to survive and escape from a brutal, soul-crushing, dark and oppressive place … so they gave seven awards to Gravity.
Overall it was an historic evening, as a film helmed by a black director – Steve McQueen for 12 Years a Slave — won best picture and a Hispanic — Alfonso Cuaron for Gravity – won best director at a show hosted by a lesbian and overseen by the academy’s first black president.
Yet the biggest take away from this year’s Oscars is a gigantic flub from a beweaved closeted homosexual that introduced the world to a now famous non-existent pop star.
Hooray for Hollywood.
Here’s the recap!
Anne Hathaway — She really knows how to get tongues wagging … with the epileptic seizures caused by the EDM laser show emitting from the bodice of her dress. Which is one way to wake people from the year long coma induced by watching Les Miserables.
Barkhad Abdi — Shouldn’t an Oscar nomination qualify you for SAG dental?
Jared Leto — Thankfully, he listened to his publicist — and Twitter — and mentioned AIDS sufferers in his speech. So McConaughey wins an Oscar for losing weight and he gets one for impersonating co-star Jen Garner? Poor Leo.
Jim Carrey — ‘Memba him? Between him and Zellweger, there must be a Me,Myself & Irene curse.
Pharrell Williams – Wearing shorts on the red carpet. Who does he think he is, Demi Moore? And yes ‘Happy’ is catchy and corny, but if he can get Lupita to bust a move then it’s all good. But Christian Bale ain’t budging.
Naomi Watts and Samuel L. Jackson — Or as Sam Rubin from KTLA would say, Kristen Bell and Laurence Fishburne.
Catherine Martin (costume design winner/Baz Luhrmann’s wife) — The ghost of Lady Gaga’s future! PS, Baz Luhrmann has a wife??!
Hair & Makeup Oscar winning ladies from Dallas Buyers Club – Or was it the girls from your company’s accounts payable department?!
Harrison Ford — in Indiana Jones and the Earring of Doom.
Kim Novak — It’s great to see her back … from the Island of Dr. Moreau. The irony of having her present best ANIMATED film to FROZEN was lost on no one.
Sally Field — She looked fantastic and proved you can age gracefully — with a human face — in Hollywood. We like her. We really liked her.
Zac Efron — Almost as pretty as Jared Leto … but without the lace front weave.
Karen O — Who knew the L-train went all the way to the Dolby Theater?
Kate Hudson — Gorgeous. But she of all people should take heed of the McConaissance, stat! Unfortunately, it will probably take more than a 50 pound weight loss to save her from the depths of romcom hell. How to lose a career in 10 films.
Jason Sudeikis — DAMN! When did he get so hot? Such a dramatic transformation and he isn’t even playing an AIDS patient! So either Olivia Wilde is the true Supreme or she’s about to give birth to Beelzebub.
John Stamos and Lady Gaga at the Oscars — What? Why? How?
Bradley Cooper — He’s still no Gosling, but he was looking pretty damn good last night.
Darlene Love — 20 Feet from Stardom no more. Take your moment, gurl! SANG!
Ethan Hawke — Reality doesn’t bite. Hasn’t looked this good in years. No more junky chic.
Kevin Spacey — He’s nothing without Claire Underwood.
Ewan MacGregor & Viola Davis — Watch your backs, Jared and Lupita.
Brad Pitt — He now officially has it all. Has anyone checked on Jen in the last 24 hours?
Liza Minnelli — The woman breaks her hip when the wind blows, so they transported her across the country to honor her mother … by having her stand up in her seat for four seconds? It’s hard out here for a legend. But she did accost and hug Lupita, so I guess it was worth it.
Chris Hemsworth & Charlize Theron — Descending from the heavens … and into the Hollywood and Highland shopping mall.
Lupita Nyong’o — The Jennifer Lawrence Era is officially over. America’s new sweetheart has been crowned, headband and all. She could have worn Bjork’s swan dress or Celine Dion’s reverse tux and still wind up on everyone’s best dressed list. She’s one classy lady and hit all the right notes in her speech, especially when winning a superficial award for devastating and brutal subject matter. Take note, you know who.
Academy President Cheryl Boone Isaacs — Showcasing the new Academy museum as designed by the producers of HER.
Amy Adams — 5-time Oscar nominee, 0 wins. Poor Leo? Poor Amy! She’s got DiCaprio beat by one nom.
Gabourey Sidibe — Flawless.
Whoopi Goldberg — Wearing Julia Robert’s Golden Globes outfit with Seinfeld’s puffy shirt. Cue the Crystal Waters … she’s homeless. la da di la da da.
Pink — She soared to new heights and all without her usual circus theatrics or silks. Impressive, indeed.
Jennifer Garner — Jared & Matthew get Oscars and she gets “she’s one of the most beautiful actresses ever” intro … I guess that’s a better than Mrs. Ben Affleck or star of 13 Going on 30.
Glenn Close — Serving German Chancellor Angela Merkel realness.
Goldie Hawn — Don’t blame her, blame her doctor … Kim Novak!
Bette Midler — Same age as 68-year-old Goldie but without all the scar tissue. Did you ever know that you’re MY hero?!
John Travolta — Did he have a stroke? Or does his wig doctor just need to loosen his plugs a notch? As we speak, the Church of Scientology is investigating to see if Leah Remini was fucking with the teleprompter. Back to the auditing session he goes.
Penelope Cruz — She had her own Adele Dazim moment by presenting the award for Best Adapted …”Scrimpling?” Que?
Angelina Jolie – Just stunning. I could watch her stare at me all night.
Cate Blanchett — With her deserved win for Blue Jasmine, can she now give back the Oscar for her caricature impersonation of Katherine Hepburn in The Aviator? I’m not kidding.
Jennifer Lawrence — Forget tribute, I nominate her as … Hillary Clinton. The backlash starts now.
Matthew McConaughey – I thought he stopped reciting cheesy lines when he gave up the romcoms. God. Heroes. Himself. All right, all right, all right, was that an acceptance speech or some weird leaked Scientology video? Ugh, this undoes all my True Detective love. Just take your shirt off, pretty boy.
Camila Alves — in Princess Leia chic.
Julia Roberts — Frumpy Woman. She should be taking career advice from Meryl, not fashion tips!
Will Smith — The Razzies were the night before so what in After Earth hell is he doing introducing Best Picture?
Here’s soon-to-be Oscar winner Jared Leto in Paris last week (left) — and Sharbat Gula aka The Afghan Girl in the famous photo by Steve McCurry which appeared on the cover of National Geographic magazine in 1985 (right).
One of them is often compared to the Mona Lisa.
Jordan Catalano for life.
Luckily, One Direction’s Harry Styles, Real Housewives of Beverly Hills star Mohamed Hadid, Kardashian patriarch Bruce Jenner, the remains of Mickey Rourke (yes, that’s him) and Rob Lowe in ‘Behind the Candelabra’ all have beautiful hair … for a woman.
And that woman is Lucille Bluth — aka Jessica Walter on ‘Arrested Development.’
Motherboy 2014 has officially arrived.
Janeane Garofalo/’Vickie Miner’, is that you?
With Ethan Hawke nowhere in sight, John’s goatee, necklace and easy fit jeans trifecta are a slacker wonderland.
Looks like there could be a Lisa Loeb show in their future.
It seems like only yesterday that Britney Spears showed up to a Sherman Oaks tattoo parlor and shaved her entire head bald.
Life as we know it was never the same again.
Here’s hunky Bruce Jenner a little while after winning a gold medal for Decathlon at the 1976 Olympics — and the perky 64-year-old father of six (and step-father of four) showing off his freshly blown out Lucille Bluth/Jessica Walter ombré shag in Los Angeles on Monday.
Only his hairdresser knows for sure.
The Cult of Britney™ and the Little Monsters were united through the powers of synthetic weaves and pancake makeup when the real Britney Jean Spears and Lady Gaga posed for this picture after the Toxic singer’s Vegas sideshow on Saturday night.
The duo look ready to participate on ‘RuPaul’s Drag Race’ “Snatch Game “episode as Tamar Braxton and Michael Caine in “Dressed to Kill.”
- With Madonna, Katy, Lorde, Ozzy, Yoko & Sean Lennon … Welcome to the Coven Grammys.
- On second thought, with McCartney, Urban, Paul Williams, Bruno Mars,
Latifah, Alicia Keys, Smokey Robinson, Jeremy Renner, Bille Joe Armstrong, Steven Tyler & Hunter Hayes … it was the L-word Grammys.
- If the show is going to run 4 hours then I need Pink’s shirtless dancer in the corner of the screen for at least 3 of them.
- Beyonce needs a hair dryer and nothing else.
- Daft Punk has drank the Gaga juice. Take the helmets off, fools.
- The Little Monsters have found their new Lorde and saviour.
- Robin Thicke has officially Single White Male’d Justin Timberlake. Minus the whole amazing dancing thing.
- Not airing the Grammys live on the West Coast is the most archaic thing CBS has done since revealing their new fall lineup.
- Never watch music award shows live or suffer the wrath of not being able to fast forward through country music performances.
- Respect your elders, people. Everyone ages … if they are lucky.
Beyonce — The new Queen of Pop gave the best Ciara performance ever. Surfboard.
Pharrell — And the first Grammy-inspired Halloween costume of the year is born.
Lorde — Hands down the best album by a seven-year-old poltergeist. She’s 17 going on 43. It’s Darlene from Roseanne meets Amy Irving in Carrie with Japanese hair straightening and a pair of Joaquin Phoenix’s HER pants. Regardless, that awkward teen is one talented beyatch! Team Lorde all the way.
Hunter Hayes – If Showtime decides to make the Nurse Jackie Diaries, they’ve found their young Edie Falco.
Katy Perry – She really needs to stop shopping at the Lady Gaga 99 Cent Store. That performance was amazing … had it been the spring musical at Hellen Keller High.
Robin Thicke – Is it safe now? Are we assured we’ll never be subjected to Blurred Lines again? Please say it is so.
Keith Urban – Nicole Kidman divorced a gay man to marry a gay woman. Only his hairdresser will know for sure.
Pauly Perrette – She’s been on a hit CBS show for over ten years that no one I know watches yet the network rewards her by making her work a job more suitable for Kaley Cuoco’s stand-in. That’s some NCI … B.S.
Dave Grohl, Krist Novoselic & Pat Smear — it’s the Eww Fighters.
Taylor Swift — Performance hair-ography by Nomi Malone’s Showgirls pool scene. #sitdown
Bruno Mars — It’s Alicia Keys had she not become famous. He’s so convincing that I bet Latifah tried to get his number. One dollar to anyone who can explain how the hell he got the Super Bowl gig.
Pink/Fun — I love me some Pink. She’s an amazing singer and performer. Her body and athleticism are beyond. Her concert last year may have been the best show I’ve ever seen. And we get it. You can work a silk like it’s nobody’s business. But the acrobatic jig is up. Time to learn to walk tightrope or pick up a new gimmick because you’ve spoiled us. At this point seeing her twirl in the air above the Staples center while singing live is like a ghost of VMAs past. No offense but it’s true. But PS, she should be the one performing at the Super Bowl!
Ozzy Osbourne — It’s not nice to speak ill of the dead.
Kelly & Sharon Osbourne — Effie Trinket’s plus two at the Panem Grammys.
Ringo Starr — Sorry Ringo but it’s all about his wife Barbara Bach. The former Bond Girl is 66 and looks fantastic. That is some mighty fine upholstery work. All this time I thought she was British, turns out she’s a Queens girl from Jackson Heights. Get tha fuck outta here, loca!
Paul McCartney — Susan Boyle has gone so Hollywood! Loving his Suzi Quatro/Leather Tuscadero from Happy Days shag.
Imagine Dragons/Kendrick Lamar — I thought radio killed Imagine Dragons for me but after that performance they have been redeemed.
Kacey Musgraves — Megan Fox with a twang. Poor thing needs to stay away from the Katy Perry sample sales. Winner of worst performance slot … appearing on a Staples-adjacent stage. At least the audience could get a view of her as they walked to the bathroom.
Julia Roberts — Ladies and gentlemen, Lyle Lovett’s ex-wife. ‘Memba that??
Gloria Estefan– She may have 2 titanium rods in her back but unlike Madonna — who is a year younger — Gloria doesn’t need animatronics to shut her eyes.
Jeremy Renner – 50 shades of gay.
Douche Punk — The only way to redeem themselves for the tired & pretentious robot act would have been to accept the Album of the Year by removing the helmets to reveal … Tina Fey & Amy Poehler. Or to keep it CBS friendly, the Two Broke Girls.
Stevie Wonder — Can someone please plug in his mic … and unplug Pharrell’s?
Cyndi Lauper — 30 years after winning Best New Artist, she wins a Grammy for Kinky Boots. Girls just want to have a career as long and successful as her!
Carole King/Sara Bareilles — Basic bitches for the win. Just two talented singers and pianos. No dancers, smoke machines, costumes, circus acts or helmets. In this day in age, that’s what you call BRAVE.
Steven Tyler/Smokey Robinson — Are those the remaining Pointer Sisters? My 95-year-old aunt has no problem with gay marriage. But these two androgynous, bejeweled, fibre glass divas? That is something she just can’t wrap her head around.
Metallica– At what point exactly did lead singer James Hetfield turn into a TimeWarner cable guy? Can you hook up my Roku too?
Macklemore & Lewis — It was their night. They never looked better. I just feel bad for their poor future ex-girlfriends sitting in the audience.
Same Love — I’m not going to harp too much on having a closeted celebrity officiate the ceremony. Or that CBS aired the segment at a ‘safe’ post 11pm time slot or that they failed to show any (same-sex) couples kissing. I’m just going to revel in the fact that for 5 min they aired a ‘rap’ act — and MADONNA! — singing about equality, love and being gay, without using any euphemisms, that sent a loud & clear message and created a historic memory for 33 loving couples on national TV. And since not everyone, believe it or not, lives in NY or LA, that’s a pretty big deal.
Queen Latifah — I’m all for your baby steps, gurl. But it’s getting ridiculous. Godspeed, Dana.
Mary Lambert — Looked fantastic, minus the dreadful exposed tattoo and gown combo that no one can pull off. No one.
Madonna — Haters gonna hate. She’s 55 & still serving it. Get over it, children. Bey, Katy and Gaga will be lucky to get bashed by future 20somethings should they still be around at the 2045 Grammys to perform with Suri Cruise. I’m sorry but Boss Hogg knows how to make a performance entrance. Open your heart, ageists.
Miranda Lambert — Malin Akerman is that you? From country bumpkin to Trophy Wife!
Billie Joe Armstrong — Shane from The L-Word.
Yoko Ono — The woman is 80. Fuck what ya heard, she’s the Supreme, bitches.
Alicia Keys — Those are some damn nice pecs, lady.
Paul Williams — Adorable. Serving Cloris Leachman/Beverly Ann on ‘Facts of Life’ realness.
Nine Inch Nails — Trent Reznor should be thanking the Recording Academy. Because rolling credits during his performance & then tweeting ‘Fuck You’ to the Grammys gave him the opportunity to still seem remotely punk rock. A feat nearly impossible after winning an Oscar.
1. Tina Fey & Amy Poehler: The Sequel was even better than the first.
2. Jacqueline Bisset is the recipient of this year’s Elizabeth Taylor Gladiator Memorial Award.
3. What would really be “brave” is if hetero actors received some sensitivity training before accepting their awards for playing gay characters. Am I mincing, Michael?
4. Orange is the new crack! Bronzer has taken over as the drug of choice for Hollywood’s male stars. (Bradley, Leo, Channing, Liam, Pine, Farrell etc ..) Just say no!
5. With so many emaciated slicked heads running amok, the red carpet hairdos looked more like a wildlife triage center after the Gulf spill.
6. Only nine months until Halloween and Jennifer Lawrence’s coffee filter chic is the new Miley VMAs.
7. ‘Brooklyn Nine Nine’s’ win is so sketchy and controversial that authorities are checking Gov. Christie’s emails for clues.
8. That Brooklyn accented girl in ‘Wolf of Wall St. ‘(Margot Robbie) is Australian? Get the f*ck outta here!
9.Emma Thompson is Absolutely Fabulous, sweetie darling.
10. The craziest thing about Diane Keaton last night, besides everything, is that she looks like skinny Paula Deen.
Not being able to watch the Golden Globes live sucked. Don’t ask.
Anyway, after staying off Twitter and Facebook for what seemed like an eternity, here are some more random thoughts about last night’s show.
As always, feel free to send me your words and comments.
Sandra Bullock – 50 & fabulous. She’s defying gravity with her flawless face. But that dress should be lost in space. RIP color blocking, please.
Lupita Nyong’o — Perfection. This is how you make your Hollywood entrance. Though every time I hear her first name, I keep thinking my 95-year-old aunt in Hialeah is going to come into the room. Tia?
Julia Roberts — Reporting for work at Deloitte & Touche. This is what Shelby Eatenton Latcherie would look like had she lived! Drink yer juice, gurl!
Jacqueline Bisset — I actually don’t think her speech was that insane considering she was shocked and had probably just finished her fourth gin and tonic. Plus, she wasn’t the only one who thought they’d never give it to an older actress for work on a show on STARZ! I bet Sofia Vergara said crazier shit when her name wasn’t called. Between the win and being name dropped by Lisa Vanderpump on Real Housewives last week, Jackie is definitely having a moment.
Hayden Panettiere — or was it Sharon Stone’s lesbian lover Roxy in Basic Instinct??
Megan Mullally — She’s a little old to be playing Velma from Scooby Doo, don’t you think?
Elizabeth Moss — for the Scientolo-win.
Matt Damon — is BRAVE.
Margot Robbie — Jamie Pressly 2.0, perfected for film.
Gwyneth Paltrow — I wonder what GOOP.com would say about drinking out of plastic water bottles?
Paula Patton — For once that really annoying white mass glued to her side wasn’t Robin Thicke.
Liev Schreiber — Sexy. Zac Efron in 20 years.
Michael Douglas — is BRAVE.
Alex Ebert from Edward Sharpe & the Magnetic Zeros (the guy who won for Best Score) — He won for ‘All Is Lost’ but was totally representing for LINCOLN. Congratulations! Partying on a boat with Diddy is the holy grail of hipster doucheism. Somewhere in a high rise in Williamsburg they are erecting his statue.
Bono — Speaking of douche, enough with the Dame Edna glasses already. And now that Guy Oseary is working with U2, how long before we $ee a Bono & Madonna duet?
Diddy — Do not try to hug Bono. EVER.
Taylor Kinney — The weirdest thing about Lady Gaga is that she’s dating a hot frat boy who looks like he should be on ‘Vanderpump Rules.’
Amber Heard — Keeping the Jolie Leg safely in hot bisexual territory.
Rob Lowe — Rockin’ the One Direction hair … for men. Zac Efron in 15 months.
Jon Voight — It’s not an award show until his white scarf shows up.
Robert Downey Jr — I’ll have whatever drugs he was on in the 90s! He and his career have never looked better. Hold on, Lindsay. Hold on!
Kyra Sedgwick & Kevin Bacon — Kyra has some ‘splaining to do because daughter Sosie (Miss Golden Globe) looks more like Khloe Kardashian than any other Kardashian!
Robin Wright — House of double stick tape! Love her and her sideboob! Divorcing Sean Penn does wonders for a woman’s career. It’s all about CLAIRE Underwood, people.
Jim Carrey — ‘memba him?
Jared Leto — Now we know he did BRAVE drag for the role, but who is responsible for the man bun?
Colin Farrell — Loving his reaction during Jared’s acceptance speech. Jared makes one movie in 6 years and gets an award … without having to go to rehab or suffer through an unnecessary Total Recall reboot first! It could have been him up there … if only “Mary Poppins” author P.L. Travers’ father had been a transgender person with AIDS.
Emma Thompson — She’s a grown woman. She can do whatever she wants.
Spike Jonze – it’s all about HIM. so cute.
Laura Dern — in American Hustle 2: Electric Hair-aloo. Fantastic.
Andy Samberg — The secret to having an award-winning comedy series… have a FOX executive write a check to the Hollywood Foreign Press.
Chris Pine — Yes, please.
Emma Watson — Every guy in the world has a chance with Emma, because if she’ll wear pants under a gown on a red carpet, then she can be talked into doing absolutely anything.
Frances McDormand — spotted … at the Plymouth Rock Globes. Nothing beats her denim jacket at the Tonys that year. Nothing.
Emma Stone — Styling by Anne of Green Gables
Mariel Hemingway — Hey girl. How you doing?
Diane Keaton — Coming soon, the Mia Farrow smackdown outside Zabars. At least one riddle was solved tonight: why she usually wears gloves!
Ben Affleck — The success bloat is back.
Bradley Cooper — is BRAVE, er, oops, never mind.
Alfonso Cuaron — Viva Mexico!
Chris Evans — Captain America has hair plugs?
Inside Llewyn Davis — All this time I thought the main star (Oscar Isaac) was David Krumholtz from Numb3rs. For reals. On top of that, Oscar (last name Hernandez) is hot in real life and Cuban. Crazy!
Cate Blanchett — The last vestiges of old Hollywood glamour… minus that kinda snarky Drew Barrymore comment.
Jessica Chastain — She left her hair dye in for zero dark thirty minutes too long.
Matthew McConaughey — He beat out Chiwetel Ejiofor. Really? Well, Matt was also 12 years a slave … to his romcom past.
Johnny Depp — Girlfriend Amber Heard must really love lesbians, how else to explain dressing Johnny like a late 90s Ellen Degeneres?
“Sarah Paulson — is the Bette Davis of America?” Whatchu talking about Steve McQueen?
Thirteen years after attending the People’s Choice Awards together in 2001 (bottom photo), 12 years after ‘Dark Angel‘ was canceled and 11 years since they broke off their engagement, Michael Weatherly and Jessica Alba reunited at the People’s Choice Awards again last night … sorta.
No big hug or even chit chat, the former couple were just both in the same room … the Nokia Theater.
While the 32-year-old mother of two looks amazing, the 45-year-old NCIS star has morphed into … Ed Helms from ‘The Office.’