Ten Things learned watching the 2015 Golden Globes:
1. With it being their final hosting appearance, Tina Fey & Amy Poehler were already missed … for basically disappearing after their opening monologue. #themargaretchoshow
2. It was the year of the heartfelt ‘this is bigger than me’ minority speech following wins by the gorgeous Gina Rodriguez, Transparent, Jeffrey Tambor, Common,
Kevin Spacey and Matt Bomer.
3. Bronzer is the new Black as Channing Tatum, Justin Theroux and Adam Levine attended the Golden Glows.
4. 50 Shades of Grey is even more doomed than originally thought because Dakota Johnson and Jamie Dornan had as much sexual chemistry on stage as Kate Mara and Kevin Spacey.
5. Melissa McCarthy eschewed a limo and arrived on the Mayflower.
6. The real cause of all the celebrity perspiration wasn’t faulty air conditioning but Whitney Houston. Since the awards are held at the scene of her 2012 death, the late diva made sure to give everyone in the Beverly Hilton the infamous ‘Whitney sweats.’ Hell to the Globes!
7. Jennifer Lopez, Salma Hayek, Jane Fonda, Jennifer Aniston, Jared Leto, Robert Downey Jr. and Paul Rudd have been inducted into The John Stamos Academy for Looking Better Than You Did in 1996. Don’t ask. Don’t tell.
8. Michael Keaton is the comeback story of the year a la Mickey Rourke in The Wrestler, which means he has about five years until his face morphs into a melted Play-doh Michael Myers Halloween mask.
9. Prince has essentially become Tyler Perry’s Mrs. Roper.
10. The deprogramming worked… Katie Holmes has been completely reanimated and successfully assimilated back into the human race. Mission Possible. Holy shit! But where’s Suri?!
Benedict Cumberbatch – If Best Actor winner Eddie Redmayne goes missing it won’t take Alan Turing – or Sarah Koenig – to figure out who did it. #serial
Jennifer Aniston – Always the bridesmaid, never the bride was never truer than by the looks of her black sequined catering hall chic. Props for attempting her best Jolie Leg™.
Margaret Cho – All signs are pointing to Cho’s agents as the real culprits behind the SONY hack. Welcome back, Marg!
Jennifer Lopez & Jeremy Renner – Nothing like calling out J.Lo’s boobs to deflect the fact that your estranged wife is divorcing you for FRAUD! Also, interesting that he plays Hawkeye yet she’s the one that looked like an Avenger.
Kristen Wiig – Serving Vera Fermiga realness. She and Bill Heder are obviously hysterical but if the Hollywood crowd inside the Hilton can’t muster up more than a few chuckles then the Internets hope that they host next year seems futile. Not Todaaaay!
Common and John Legend – Yes and yes! #EggplantFridays came early this week.
Matt Bomer – Giving us true rainbow pride with his blue tux AND the reddish purple hair.
The Affair – Thinking the Showtime series is better than Game Of Thrones or House of Cards only further proves how ridiculous the 80 odd members of the Hollywood Foreign Press really are. The Pia Zadora Golden Globes curse lives! (look it up, Millennials).
Ruth Wilson – Apparently, Melissa McCarthy wasn’t the only one who repurposed her outfit from the remnants section of JoAnn Fabrics.
Robin Wright – Claire Underwood was ROBBED. She will cut you.
Kevin Spacey – At least he can finally be out and proud about being a Golden Globe winner.
Kate Mara – She, hands down, was the sexiest beard of the night. Honorable mention: Conchita Wurst.
Kevin Hart – The black Gilbert Gottfried. Stop screaming at me! Fun fact: He wasn’t in Selma or Salma.
Kate Hudson – BODY. This is the best thing she’s been in since Almost Famous.
Jeffrey Tambor – And that’s how you give an acceptance speech when winning a superficial award for portraying a disenfranchised character with serious subject matter. cc: Matthew McConaughey
Patricia Arquette – Finally getting the respect she should have received twenty years ago for True Romance.
Lily Tomlin & Jane Fonda – Love them both but the plastic surgeon is the only one still working 9 to 5 … and all without a Dolly Parton sighting.
Adrien Brody – I see Steve Carrel returned his Foxcatcher Kidman Nose™ to its rightful owner.
Lupita & Colin Farrell – With apologies to Silverlake, Brooklyn and the entire San Francisco Bay area … but this how you successfully pull off nerd glasses and a porn stache.
Jake Gyllenhaal – Amen.
Paul Rudd & Adam Levine – Can you guess which one is ten years older than the other? Call People magazine, because we have found the new Sexiest AntMan Alive.
Catherine Zeta-Jones – She’s back. Healthy, stable and slightly refreshed. She’s Demi Moore but with an elderly boy-toy.
David Duchovny – He’s 54. The truth is out there and I wan’t to know what it is!
George Clooney & Amal – I’m waiting for her secret degree from Yale Drama to be uncovered because this has to be an act.
Owen Wilson – The Owen is the It hairdo for blonde lesbians everywhere.
Chris Pratt & Anna Faris – They actually do have a mixed marriage; she’s a film starlet turned sitcom star and he’s a television actor turned blockbuster hunk. Divorce imminent.
Channing Tatum – The AMBER ALERT has been issued.
Matthew McConaughey – The downside of the McConaissance is that his looks were banished to the Dark Ages.
Julianne Moore – I mean, c’mon! Can we all stop the Aniston Cake nonsense and just give everything to JMo already?
Gwyneth Paltrow – Was there a Goop post about revisiting the wardrobe department from View From the Top that I missed?
Jessica Chastain – Looked amazing and sexy. This is what all the Real Housewives of Orange County/New Jersey/Miami/Van Nuys aspire to be.
Lana Del Rey – Summertime Sadness in January. She took a wrong turn off Coldwater Canyon and wound up in the Valley …of the Dolls.
Frances McDormand – The reason she looked so grumpy was because she left her award winning jean jacket back at home in New York.
Je suis Charlie.