Ten Things learned watching the 87th Annual Academy Awards:
- Neil Patrick Harris’ ballot box joke took longer to execute than Boyhood and got the same amount of love from the Academy.
2. If they cue the music during your acceptance speech, just keep talking … it’s one less minute we’ll be subjected to that ballot box joke.
3. With feminism, civil rights, immigration reform, ALS, Alzheimer’s and two mentions of suicide, there was only one thing more serious and political than the acceptance speeches … the In Memoriam snub of Joan Rivers! Can we tawk?!
4. Imitation Game Adapted Screenplay winner Graham Moore is not gay … but his voice and queening out to Oprah sure is! Coming out as straight is hard. #stayweird
5 . Speaking of not gays … while it’s fine to comment on his creepy face-groping of biological women, we all really need to be more vigilant and sensitive to John Travolta’s BRAVE new look during this time. #askhermore
6. All it took for Tim McGraw (you know, Gwyneth Paltrow’s friend) to enter the witness protection program was the removal of one hat.
7. Meryl Streep and Jennifer Lopez will soon star in a buddy comedy together, thereby assuring for the rarest of feats… a Meryl-free Oscar season.
8. Terrence Howard was one awkward pause away from pulling an Elizabeth Taylor and blurting out “Gladiator!”
- Alexis Arquette killed it with her rendition of The Sound of Music.
- Common’s drag real name is Lonnie Lynn. Who knew?
Neil Patrick Harris – Everyone is hating by saying he bombed, but at least he actually hosted the show throughout its entirety. No one remembers anymore, but last year Ellen did an intro, took a selfie, ordered a pizza and then disappeared. And even our beloved national treasures Tina Fey & Amy Poehler were almost non-existent at this year’s Globes. So yes, some jokes fell flat, but the opening was great, he ad-libbed a couple of zingers and even “had the balls” to nearly show his in a pair of padded briefs. A for effort, which is more than I can say for past hosts like Seth McFarlane and James Franco.
Lupita Nyong’o – Serving pearl necklace for the GAWDS!
J.K. Simmons – Using his entire speech to stress the importance of family – call your mother! – and thanking his wife and kids with no reference to agents, managers or studio heads, was not only refreshing, it was downright revolutionary. Which begs the question: What is he trying to make right by them?! And I don’t care what anyone says, his character in Whiplash is gay. (That tight t-shirt don’t lie).
Dakota Johnson & Melanie Griffith – You know Fifty Shades is a total snoozefest when Dakota has more sexual chemistry with her recalibrated MOTHER than Jamie Dornan.
Jennifer Lopez – Drama. Spectacle. Wow. If it can be worn anywhere else – besides the Met Costume Gala in NY – then it isn’t an Oscar gown. SLAYED.
Costume Design winner Milena Canonero – You know she isn’t from here, because, even though it was raining, no one in Los Angeles actually owns a raincoat.
Reese Witherspoon – She don’t pop molly, she rock Tom Ford!
Channing Tatum – He must share the same guyliner specialist as Travolta.
Nicole Kidman – Exquisitely styled by Madame Tussauds.
Shirley MacLaine – Outfit by Liza Minnelli, wig by Mattel™ and sold exclusively at Hollywood Toy & Costume.
Tegan and Sara – Cutest lesbian duo of the night, next to Keith Urban and Nicole Kidman. Props to their drag mother, John Travolta.
Andy Samberg and Lonely Island guys – You know what would have made it even more awesome … those Katy Perry Super Bowl sharks.
Jared Leto – Believe it or not, he is not part of Lonely Island.
Dana Perry – Her win for Best Documentary Short Subject was for a serious topic (veterans & suicide) but her dress was giving us life … and proved NPH can ad lib when needed. And we needed.
Viola Davis – One day she will win an Oscar … and learn how to walk in heels!
Gwyneth Paltrow – It was crazy and risky and 80s and I loved it. If you are going to harp about steaming your vadge, you might as well wear one on your shoulder.
Margot Robbie – Now that she’s completely removed any trace of Jamie Pressly from the industry, she’s gunning for full Emma Stone annihilation. You have been warned.
The Hobbit is over but the elfin beauty trend has only just begun.
Emma Stone – There are two types of people in this world: those who can successfully wear chartreuse and the 99.99% rest of us. Perfection.
Patricia Arquette – Who does an Oscar winning feminist have to f*ck to get a proper blowout in this town? Equal pay for a good hairstylist NOW!
Rita Ora – People, stop trying to make Rita Ora happen. #fetch.
Chloe Grace Moretz – Pockets in dresses are cool, until you are on stage and they make you look like you are dealing with some sort of irritating rash.
Jessica Chastain – Always the bridesmaid never the bride. Say yes to the dress, just not this one.
Cheryl Boone Isaacs – Speaking of weddings, here’s the Academy President … and the mother of the bride.
Naomi Watts – The dress is Armani, but the sports bra is lululemon. The Cult of SoulCycle is real, children!
Jennifer Aniston – Perhaps the film industry would take her more seriously as an actress if she lost the Friends/Must See TV hair.
David Oyelowo – Don’t kid yourselves, the real reason he was crying was because he kept getting mistaken for a theatre usher. “Sir, is there a bar on the mezzanine?”
John Legend & Common – That emotional performance of “Glory” proved how far we’ve come … since Three 6 Mafia won for “It’s Hard Out Here for a Pimp.”
Idina Menzel – Local authorities say Adele Dazeem will not be pressing charges since it turns out the inappropriate touching was a total misunderstanding. John didn’t have on his contacts and kept mistaking her for his male masseuse.
Scarlett Johansson – Unfortunately, neither ScarJo’s terrible kryptonite necklace nor her lesbian ‘do could keep her safe from her A Love Song for Bobby Long co-star John Revolta’s Xenu death grip. Stay perfectly still and no one gets hurt.
Lady Gaga – Not since Britney Spears in 2008 has a raggedy weaved pop star fallen so hard and risen back to the top so quickly. But in lieu of a conservator, auto-tune and an upped dosage of psychotropic meds, Stefani Germanotta used her natural voice and a pair of red Palmolive bovine insemination gloves. While it’s ripe for ridicule, this look was the closest we got to a Cher moment, a Celine Dion reverse tux, Bjork swan dress or Demi Moore bike shorts, so all I have to say is … Applause!
Julie Andrews – 79 and flawless.
Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu – He won two Oscars on the heels of fellow Mexican director Alfonso Cuaron’s win for Gravity last year. Now this is the start of a Latino stereotype that I can fully support. Wepa!
John Stamos – at the Oscars? When you look this hot (especially at 51) anything is possible.
Ben Affleck – Presenting Best Director after his Argo snub. Nice to see Batman has a sense of humor.
Michael Keaton – But following Eddie Redmayne’s win for Best Actor, this gum chewing Batman probably doesn’t.
Cate Blanchett – Wearing a statement necklace that said: “This will be perfect for cousin Shari’s bat mitzvah in Boynton Beach.”
Jake Gyllenhaal – Was totally snubbed for a Best Actor nom. Just had to point out it again.
Eddie Redmayne – I know people say he’s cute. But I think he’s just a wig away from playing the eccentric best friend in the next Kate Hudson/Emily Blunt/Shailene Woodley romcom flop. Judy Greer better watch out.
Solange Knowles – Gumby in red! For the love of House of Dereon, who retrofitted her into this Christian Siriano haute couture strait jacket? #beyonce
Matthew McConaughey – The missing link in the Shia LaBeouf – Joaquin Phoenix douchetionary chain. He’s also a shiny blazer away from locking down a Vegas lounge host residency.
Julianne Moore – At last. Well deserved, long overdue and should have won at least twice before. But I must admit, I wanted her dress to gimme gimme Moore.
Sean Penn – I was going to say he looked ruggedly handsome. But after that tired green card joke, he’s still just a jerk. Apparently, nothing has changed since he was married to Madonna and punching photographers from coast to coast.
will i CAN’T – Just because the Oscars are held at a mall, that’s still no reason to dress like a Foot Locker sales associate. Have a seat, ma’am.
North Korean supreme leader Kim Jong-un debuted his brand new ‘do and exquisitely manicured brows at a conference on Wednesday, which appeared to have been inspired by meticulously shaved, waxed and tweezed Jersey Shore guido DJ Pauly D.
Gym. Tan. Labor camps.
But be forewarned, “fresh to death” means something completely different to the 32-year-old dictator.
- Thanks to Madonna, Annie Lennox and Prince, the 80s queens are alive and well and still ruling the show.
- Staying off social media all night, because CBS still thinks it’s 2008 and won’t air the show live for the West Coast, is freakin’ hard!
- Iggy Azalea has co-opted another racial identity—Swiss Miss.
4. As far as Taylor Swift collectibles go: Lorde & Lena Dunham are out, but Haim is in.
5. If the show gets any longer, they’ll need to break it up over eight weeks, cast Jessica Lange (*insert Madonna joke here) and call it a mini-series.
AC/DC – For everyone belting out age-inappropriate fashion critiques at Madonna, please draw your attention to 59-year-old Angus Young. He’s been doing this for over four decades… which, believe it or not, is even longer than the Queen of Pop.
Sam Smith – The Best New Artist is Ron Burgundy?
Anna Kendrick – Looking Pitch Perfect and the sexiest she ever has. Tweet that, AK.
Ariana Grande – It’s amazing what she’s managed to accomplish without the use of her tongue. Enunciating is hard, kids!
Jessie J & Tom Jones – He’s used to getting women’s panties thrown at him on stage … and she performed in hers. The Gaga/Tony Bennett thing has officially become a trend.
Kanye West – He’s done the impossible and actually made Kim look like the intelligent one. Where’s Paul McCartney’s unplugged microphone when you need it?
Kim Kardashian – in vintage Liberace. Behind the Kandelabra.
Madonna – The matador/French maid ensemble was the Grammy equivalent of Cher at the Oscars. And whether you loved it or hated it, you can’t deny she brought the drama and spectacle to the somber and lackluster set of performances during the broadcast’s first seven hours. While the disparaging ageist remarks show no sign of abating, the Material Mom continues to flawlessly make inroads so that one day – a long, long time from now – millenials will be able to appreciate someone like Britney Spears as she attempts to hold on to her singing, dancing and overall stage presence. Oh wait.
Josh Duhamel – Hello, gorgeous! Looks like Fergie may need to start fielding offers for a CBS procedural if she ever plans to attend the Grammys again.
Beck – Who’s the Loser now? Sorry Beehive, but he’s music to Xenu’s ears! The album of the year is currently streaming on an E-meter near you. His retro Mia Farrow chic is now less Hannah and Her Sisters and more Rosemary’s Baby.
Smokey Robinson – The new star of Groom of Annabelle. He will haunt your nightmares!
Jeff Lynne – You say ELO, I say GEICO caveman.
Adam Levine & Gwen Stefani – Both looking gorgeous, even if he does have more foundation on than she does.
Hozier & Annie Lennox – Sweet dreams are made of this … and an imaginary harmonica.
Nick Jonas – All together now, “I know you are, but what am I?” Further proof that he should remain shirtless at all times.
Meghan Trainor – I’m all about that face. Hatchet Face. I’m terrible.
Pharrell – He’s gone from working at Arby’s to The Grand Budapest Hotel in 12 months. Now we’re all happy to never have to hear this song again.
Katy Perry – She was serving Princess Leia meets Solange Knowles wedding dress realness. Featuring an intro by Obama and a domestic abuse survivor to further highlight its importance, the austere performance must have been some sort of penance for that Super Bowl fiasco. Shadow dancers beat sharks and beach balls every time, Katy cats!
Katharine McPhee – She finally made it to the Grammys and all it took was losing American Idol, three albums and a hit CBS drama.
Lady Gaga – With a career littered with meat dresses, egg arrivals and failed male alter egos – Jo Calderone, anyone? – is it weird that I find her recent transformation into a Real Housewives of Orange County the most offensive? Put your paws up, Vicki Gunvalson!
Jane Fonda – Further proof Ryan Reynolds was completely miscast in Green Lantern. Hanoi Jane for the win!
Keith Urban & Nicole Kidman – Ellen and Portia look amazing!
Rihanna – Say what you will about her statement red carpet dress, the bigger problem was her ill-fitting Men’s Wearhouse double-breasted suit. Oh Na Na!
Paul McCartney – I find his transition into a younger Maggie Smith quite brave. Legend. Icon. Beatle. Dowager Countess?
Sam Smith & Mary J. Blige – A fierce black diva and an out and proud gay man. They’re a duet made in Shonda Rhimes heaven.
Prince – The Mrs. Roper thing has now further morphed into a homage to Barbra Streisand in Meet The Fockers. THIS is what it sounds like When Doves Cry … in Boca Raton.
Sia – It’s good to see someone getting use out of Lady Gaga’s discarded drag box.
Kristen Wiig – Loved it! She’s a blonde Emo Phillips. And look, Sia has legs!
Beyonce – Descending from the heavens, the weaved wonder came to grace us mere mortals with her ethereal magic. But there was definitely one person who didn’t like her rendition of Precious Lord, Take My Hand from Selma … Ledisi, the chick who sang it in the movie! Oh Hail No!
The startled 40-year-old rap goddess did her best to attempt a facial expression upon catching a glimpse of her latest concoction in the club’s mirror.
After enduring public battles with the likes of Foxy Brown, Nicki Minaj and the law, it now seems Kimberly Denise Jones’ biggest feud is with her hair and makeup team.
RuPaul’s Drag Race season six runner-up Adore Delano borrowed a synthetic weave from The Shauna Sand Malibu Country Mart Parking Lot Collection™ and a sleek pair of Susan Boyle‘s industrial grade pantyhose and did a flawless Ke$ha impersonation at the L.A. stop of the Battle of the Seasons Condragulations Tour on Thursday.
Jennifer Aniston proved she had a sense of humor about not getting an Oscar nomination for going without makeup in her new serious film Cake, by turning up to the Critics’ Choice Awards on Thursday in her best Ron Burgundy Anchorman drag.
The 45-year-old former television actress went topless underneath Gucci’s take on the ’70s polyester suit, thereby ensuring she’d be the top story on the evening news.
Don’t act like you’re not impressed.
Ten Things learned watching the 2015 Golden Globes:
1. With it being their final hosting appearance, Tina Fey & Amy Poehler were already missed … for basically disappearing after their opening monologue. #themargaretchoshow
2. It was the year of the heartfelt ‘this is bigger than me’ minority speech following wins by the gorgeous Gina Rodriguez, Transparent, Jeffrey Tambor, Common,
Kevin Spacey and Matt Bomer.
3. Bronzer is the new Black as Channing Tatum, Justin Theroux and Adam Levine attended the Golden Glows.
4. 50 Shades of Grey is even more doomed than originally thought because Dakota Johnson and Jamie Dornan had as much sexual chemistry on stage as Kate Mara and Kevin Spacey.
5. Melissa McCarthy eschewed a limo and arrived on the Mayflower.
6. The real cause of all the celebrity perspiration wasn’t faulty air conditioning but Whitney Houston. Since the awards are held at the scene of her 2012 death, the late diva made sure to give everyone in the Beverly Hilton the infamous ‘Whitney sweats.’ Hell to the Globes!
7. Jennifer Lopez, Salma Hayek, Jane Fonda, Jennifer Aniston, Jared Leto, Robert Downey Jr. and Paul Rudd have been inducted into The John Stamos Academy for Looking Better Than You Did in 1996. Don’t ask. Don’t tell.
8. Michael Keaton is the comeback story of the year a la Mickey Rourke in The Wrestler, which means he has about five years until his face morphs into a melted Play-doh Michael Myers Halloween mask.
9. Prince has essentially become Tyler Perry’s Mrs. Roper.
10. The deprogramming worked… Katie Holmes has been completely reanimated and successfully assimilated back into the human race. Mission Possible. Holy shit! But where’s Suri?!
Benedict Cumberbatch – If Best Actor winner Eddie Redmayne goes missing it won’t take Alan Turing – or Sarah Koenig – to figure out who did it. #serial
Jennifer Aniston – Always the bridesmaid, never the bride was never truer than by the looks of her black sequined catering hall chic. Props for attempting her best Jolie Leg™.
Margaret Cho – All signs are pointing to Cho’s agents as the real culprits behind the SONY hack. Welcome back, Marg!
Jennifer Lopez & Jeremy Renner – Nothing like calling out J.Lo’s boobs to deflect the fact that your estranged wife is divorcing you for FRAUD! Also, interesting that he plays Hawkeye yet she’s the one that looked like an Avenger.
Kristen Wiig – Serving Vera Fermiga realness. She and Bill Heder are obviously hysterical but if the Hollywood crowd inside the Hilton can’t muster up more than a few chuckles then the Internets hope that they host next year seems futile. Not Todaaaay!
Common and John Legend – Yes and yes! #EggplantFridays came early this week.
Matt Bomer – Giving us true rainbow pride with his blue tux AND the reddish purple hair.
The Affair – Thinking the Showtime series is better than Game Of Thrones or House of Cards only further proves how ridiculous the 80 odd members of the Hollywood Foreign Press really are. The Pia Zadora Golden Globes curse lives! (look it up, Millennials).
Ruth Wilson – Apparently, Melissa McCarthy wasn’t the only one who repurposed her outfit from the remnants section of JoAnn Fabrics.
Robin Wright – Claire Underwood was ROBBED. She will cut you.
Kevin Spacey – At least he can finally be out and proud about being a Golden Globe winner.
Kate Mara – She, hands down, was the sexiest beard of the night. Honorable mention: Conchita Wurst.
Kevin Hart – The black Gilbert Gottfried. Stop screaming at me! Fun fact: He wasn’t in Selma or Salma.
Kate Hudson – BODY. This is the best thing she’s been in since Almost Famous.
Jeffrey Tambor – And that’s how you give an acceptance speech when winning a superficial award for portraying a disenfranchised character with serious subject matter. cc: Matthew McConaughey
Patricia Arquette – Finally getting the respect she should have received twenty years ago for True Romance.
Lily Tomlin & Jane Fonda – Love them both but the plastic surgeon is the only one still working 9 to 5 … and all without a Dolly Parton sighting.
Adrien Brody – I see Steve Carrel returned his Foxcatcher Kidman Nose™ to its rightful owner.
Lupita & Colin Farrell – With apologies to Silverlake, Brooklyn and the entire San Francisco Bay area … but this how you successfully pull off nerd glasses and a porn stache.
Jake Gyllenhaal – Amen.
Paul Rudd & Adam Levine – Can you guess which one is ten years older than the other? Call People magazine, because we have found the new Sexiest AntMan Alive.
Catherine Zeta-Jones – She’s back. Healthy, stable and slightly refreshed. She’s Demi Moore but with an elderly boy-toy.
David Duchovny – He’s 54. The truth is out there and I wan’t to know what it is!
George Clooney & Amal – I’m waiting for her secret degree from Yale Drama to be uncovered because this has to be an act.
Owen Wilson – The Owen is the It hairdo for blonde lesbians everywhere.
Chris Pratt & Anna Faris – They actually do have a mixed marriage; she’s a film starlet turned sitcom star and he’s a television actor turned blockbuster hunk. Divorce imminent.
Channing Tatum – The AMBER ALERT has been issued.
Matthew McConaughey – The downside of the McConaissance is that his looks were banished to the Dark Ages.
Julianne Moore – I mean, c’mon! Can we all stop the Aniston Cake nonsense and just give everything to JMo already?
Gwyneth Paltrow – Was there a Goop post about revisiting the wardrobe department from View From the Top that I missed?
Jessica Chastain – Looked amazing and sexy. This is what all the Real Housewives of Orange County/New Jersey/Miami/Van Nuys aspire to be.
Lana Del Rey – Summertime Sadness in January. She took a wrong turn off Coldwater Canyon and wound up in the Valley …of the Dolls.
Frances McDormand – The reason she looked so grumpy was because she left her award winning jean jacket back at home in New York.
Je suis Charlie.
He’s known for donning more makeup and wigs than a RuPaul’s Drag Race contestant in films like Edward Scissorhands, Ed Wood, Pirates of the Caribbean, Charlie & the Chocolate Factory, Sweeney Todd, Alice in Wonderland, Dark Shadows, The Lone Ranger and Into the Woods.
But Johnny Depp recently put away all the lace fronts and Maybelline and bravely went barefaced to reveal his latest caricature — horror movie queen Jamie Lee Curtis.
The 51-year-old actor went makeup-free alongside his Mortdecai co-star Gwyneth Paltrow in a black and white snap posted to Instagram on Friday, which eerily resembled the 56-year-old Activia™ spokeswoman.
While no stranger to gender-bending portrayals, Johnny recently channeled his inner lesbian for the cover of Details.
Interestingly, Jamie is set to headline Ryan Murphy‘s upcoming horror-comedy Fox series Scream Queens, so the timing couldn’t be more perfect should Johnny want to do his best Laurie Strode impersonation and battle Michael Myers in a Halloween reboot.
After undergoing years of in-weavetro fertilization, Joey Lawrence took to the People’s Choice Awards on Wednesday to proudly debut the latest technological breakthrough in chemically straightened, highlighted and reupholstered comb-overs. Paging Donald Trump!
And while the 38-year-old’s new long and lustrous locks appear to perfectly match his geometrically sculpted brows and dewy, heavily contoured tangerine complexion, Joey has spent decades reinventing his buff, plucked and over styled facade.
Let’s take a look back at Joey’s slow but steady transformation from child star to waxen figurine.
1992 – His failed singing career (Nothin’ My Love Can’t Fix, anyone?) may have been the missing boy band link between New Kids on the Block and the whole NSYNC/Backstreet Boys era, but there’s no denying he had The Rachel beat by at least two years.
2000 – Who knew the real threat wasn’t Y2K, but the terror wrought on by the spiky, frosted & flat-ironed tips of the early 21st century?! #byebyebye
2006 – While all the It girls were chatting on their Swarovski encrusted Razr phones and flashing their shaved bits outside Hyde, the original JLaw, 30, opted for a bald head, ear bling and enough bronzer to make the then-unknown Kardashians jealous.
2010 – As the rest of the country struggled to make ends meet during the Great Recession, JoJo kept it frugal by cutting back on his tanning appointments and hair dye.
2014 – Watching too much Bravo will make anyone over accessorize and eventually turn them into the bastard love child of Brad Goreski and The Situation.
2015 – Josh Duhamel, is that you? And Madame Tussauds’ latest masterpiece is complete.
But despite all his various looks, what has always remained true is that when you have a ridiculously jacked up body like this, no one really cares about yo weave. Whoa!