J.LO | The Johnny Lopez

 

Here are 15 Things learned from barely watching the 2015 MTV VMAs.

LOS ANGELES, CA - AUGUST 30:  Host Miley Cyrus, styled by Simone Harouche, performs onstage during the 2015 MTV Video Music Awards at Microsoft Theater on August 30, 2015 in Los Angeles, California.  (Photo by John Shearer/Getty Images)

  1. With snatched weaves, beat faces and tacky dresses, it was all about Miley Cyrus’ drag queen posse.

2015 MTV Video Music Awards - Backstage

2. Which hopefully means we are nearing the end of the reign of Kim Kardashian’s drag queen posse.

486061684

3. In keeping with the RuPaul theme, Nicki Minaj and Taylor Swift did their best to lip synch for their lives!

Nomi Malone realness!

Nomi Malone realness!

4. For some unknown reason, the night’s red carpet was sponsored by Showgirls. How else to explain why so many paid homage to Nomi Malone? #Goddess

Britney5. Eight years after imploding live on the VMA stage, Britney Spears returned looking lucid, animated and able to woodenly read a teleprompter again. Sadly, there weren’t enough meds – or conservators – in the world to remove that God-awful navel piercing. #LeaveBritneysBellyAlone

4860309366. Contractually bound for life, forced to appear in mind-numbing propaganda videos and sworn allegiance to an egomaniacal leader, Taylor Swift’s “Bad Blood” squad is like Scientology repurposed for leggy millennial supermodels & assorted B-list actresses. Tay’s next concert stop is sure to feature a duet with Xenu.

Weeknd7. The Weeknd has some serious love for the Jacksons. His oversized jacket and unruly weave was giving us straight up “Control”-era Janet, while the pyrotechnics were a 911-call away from igniting him ala Michael‘s doomed Pepsi commercial. I can’t feel my face … because it’s melting!

Only his hairdresser knows for sure.

Only his hairdresser knows for sure.

8.Kristen Stewart Justin Bieber proved he’s just like every other drunk girl on a Saturday night. He first went to DryBar, then danced & cried. Now all he needs is the morning-after pill.

Kylie_Nicki9. Kylie Jenner is transitioning too … into Nicki Minaj!

2015 MTV Video Music Awards - Show

10. Scary realization #1: It’s a fact, Rebel Wilson is no longer funny.

2015 MTV Video Music Awards - Backstage And Audience

11. Scary realization #2: At 43, Jared Leto could potentially be the biological father of most of the night’s performers and nominees.  Breed me, Jordan Catalano!

Who dat?

Who dat?

12. Scary realization #3: With so many of these new pop babies & YouTube toddlers running amok on stage, I’m actually relieved when I see a Kardashian, if for no other reason than that they’re recognizable.

Happy Hunger Games!

Happy Hunger Games, Yeezy!

13. He looked like he was dressed for The Reaping, so screw the presidency, I nominate Kanye West as Tribute. #BipartisanSupport

2015 MTV Video Music Awards - Pepsi Stage - Fixed Show14. Thanks to Demi Lovato, Iggy Azalea’s face is no longer the only thing getting work.

2015 MTV Video Music Awards - Red Carpet15. In retrospect, it’s amazing how normal Miley turned out.

Oh_Knowles_They_Didnt
Here are Orange Is the New Black star Laverne Cox and woman of the hour Caitlyn Jenner (top) at a screening of the former Olympian’s new reality series I Am Cait over the weekend — and Her Royal Highness Beyonce Knowles Carter and her birth mother Tina Knowles Lawson (bottom) at an event in NYC a few years ago.

Who run the world? Weaves!

Caitlyn_Pretty
Here’s 65-year-old Caitlyn Jenner, one day after giving that powerful speech at the ESPY Awards, in a chic wrap dress and statement hat at the Del Mar Racetrack Opening Day celebration in San Diego on Thursday – and Julia Roberts as Vivian Ward in the polo match scene from everyone’s favorite 1990 hooker romcom Pretty Woman.

Welcome to Hollywood. What’s your dream?

Lena_Cult

In the vein of high-waisted shorts, acid wash and Birkenstocks, Girls creator/Taylor Swift cult member Lena Dunham furthered the millennial obsession of making unflattering outfits trendy by rockin’ a chambray denim fundamentalist polygamist Mormon sister-wife prairie dress to an event at Lincoln Center on Monday.

While the 29-year-old forwent the trademark long braid and sideswept pouf bangs and opted for her effortless Bieber boy cut instead, at press time, denizens of Brooklyn and the east side of Los Angeles still remained on high alert.

For the love of Hannah Horvath, why didn’t she go naked this time?

#SaveYourselves

Rachel_Selma
With her Jergens Natural Glow Moisturizer™ and Ogilvie Home Perm™ working overtime, everyone’s favorite ‘transracial’ illusionist/future Dancing with the Stars contestant Rachel Dolezal sat down with Matt Lauer on the Today show and revealed her true ancestral lineage traces all the way back to … Marge Simpson‘s sister Selma Bouvier. Doh!

See, she really is a funny character.

The annual Costume Institute Gala at the Metropolitan Museum of Art is all about fashion, drama and letting us have it. It is the Oscars on steroids. It is not for the timid, the safe, or for placating the small minds of the basic masses at home. Ready-to-Wear is not allowed.

That being said, here are 20 MAYJAH lewks from this year’s MET GALA, whose theme was “China: Through the Looking Glass.” #culturalappropriationalert

1. Eat your heart out, Khaleesi. Introducing Sarah Jessica Parker, Mother of Dragons. Carrie Bradshaw is alive and well.

472197928-sarah-jessic-parker-arrives-at-china-through-gettyimages

2. Vogue Creative Director, Grace Coddington knows it’s her party and she can wear Prada pajamas if she wants too! It’s all about Miss Grace, y’all.

472163848-grace-coddington-attends-the-china-through-gettyimages

3. Take away the bizarre statement necklace and Jennifer Lawrence is every PR girl working media check-in at a movie premiere. “Like, omigawd, I don’t see your name on the list.” Katniss needs to set this dress on fire!

"China: Through The Looking Glass" Costume Institute Benefit Gala - Arrivals

4. Katie Holmes in Zac Posen. Rihanna wig sold separately.

472201090-katie-holmes-arrives-at-china-through-the-gettyimages

5. This is the most hood you will ever see Anne Hathaway.

472199048-anne-hathaway-arrives-at-china-through-the-gettyimages

6.  Elizabeth Banks serving Real Housewives of New Jersey realness. Styling by Dina Manzo.

"China: Through The Looking Glass" Costume Institute Benefit Gala - Arrivals

7.  The girl from The Ring is all growed up and BFFs with Selena Gomez, who, by the way, is finally showing off her voluptuous Latina curves. Wepa!

472176910-vera-wang-and-selena-gomez-attend-the-china-gettyimages

8. Kris Jenner in Linda Dano/Fellica Gallant Another World drag. Thank God Bruce is now safe.

472166646-kris-jenner-attends-the-china-through-the-gettyimages

9.  Full House is dead to them, but American Horror Story would be a game changer for The Olsen Twins.

"China: Through The Looking Glass" Costume Institute Benefit Gala

10. Lorde have mercy.

MET Gala 2015 - Departures from The Carlyle

11. It’s Bieberace. Behind the Douchelabra.

472169548-justin-bieber-attends-the-china-through-the-gettyimages

12.  What would Giuliana Rancic think about this? More importantly, how the hell does Zendaya get invited to all these A-list events? Patchouli oil and weed?

"China: Through The Looking Glass" Costume Institute Benefit Gala

13. Beauty and the Beast in reverse. J.Lo knows to always keep a safe distance of at least two feet away from the Donatella Verzombie.

472176614-donatella-versace-and-jennifer-lopez-attend-gettyimages

14. It takes a village, people! Rihanna is giving you GOWN for the GAWDS. #BedBathAndBeyondHauteCouture

472199342-rihanna-arrives-at-china-through-the-looking-gettyimages

15. Someone please inform Ms. Witherspoon that it’s the MET GALA not the Golden Globes! #snore #boring #change

472180962-reese-witherspoon-attends-the-china-through-gettyimages

16. It’s not nice to make fun of the fashion handicapped. #KatyPerryAlwaysGetsItWrong

"China: Through The Looking Glass" Costume Institute Benefit Gala

17.  Game of Thrones! But you are never getting the crown, bitches! #QueenOfPop

11202571_10153324684797498_5419456396397747460_n

18. Would she ever really date a man THAT old? Believe it or not, only ONE of them is 36. #gavegoodface

472172202-diplo-and-madonna-attend-the-china-through-gettyimages

19. That aint’ some sort of oil slick, it’s Solange destroying all the chickens in her path with her avant-garde eleganza. Sorry, but this is the Knowles sister who really slayed … and no elevator was required this year.

"China: Through The Looking Glass" Costume Institute Benefit Gala - Arrivals

20. Forget Mayweather & Pacquiao, the fight of the century is the battle of the sheer bejeweled vagina dresses! Jenna Jameson would be so proud of these two.

picstitch

That’s it. Now if only E! or Bravo or Logo would get it together and finally air this red carpet next year?! Sheesh! Don’t they know their audience?

The end. See y’all at H&M.

QUEENS
Oh wait, it’s actually just (top row, left to right) 35-year-old Real Housewives of Orange County newbie Lizzie RovsekBasketball Wives LA HBIC Jackie Christie, 45, someone named Carly Robyn Green, age unknown, pink weaved Bad Girls Club alum Natalie Nunn, 30, (bottom row, left to right) struggling dancer/singer/actress Porscha Coleman, 29, ex-Pussycat Dolls member Melody Thornton, 30, Teen Mom turned sex tape disaster Farrah Abraham, 41 23, and buxom former child bride sensation Courtney Stodden, 20, servin’ fish at the listening party for Jason Derulo‘s new album Everything Is 4 in Hollywood on Wednesday.

They are giving you charisma, uniqueness, nerve and talent realness!

Moral of this story: Never judge a synthetic weave and beat face for the GAWDS by its cover.

Mimi_JLO
They are 45-year-old divorced mothers of twins, New York native pop divas with a penchant for honey blonde horse weaves, who have sat behind the judge’s table on American Idol and starred in two of the worst movies of the last fifteen years to begin with the letter G, so Mariah Carey and Jennifer Lopez have a lot more in common besides utter disdain for the other.

Looking like the repurposed cover of her 1998 greatest hits album, My Little Pony and Tamar Braxton going as Ariana Grande for Halloween, a version of Mimi was meticulously cropped onto the front of her brand new record #1 to Infinity striking a cleavage-baring, leggy pose similar to the one J.Lo flawlessly executed – in the actual flesh – at the MTV Movie Awards on Sunday.

These photos prove both are unreal.

flowers
Killers frontman Brandon Flowers is not the hipster he used to be.

Looking much leaner and slightly less coiffed in a good way, the 33-year-old adult hipster did his best emaciated Josh Brolin impersonation (left) at an event celebrating the new single “Can’t Deny My Love” in New York on Monday.

Previously, the devout Mormon hipster shocked fans after transforming from a pudgy-faced, guyliner-friendly hipster in 2005 (top right), into a more clean-cut and impeccably manicured, smooth hipster in 2010 (bottom right).

Being a hipster father of three really changes you.

Kim_Kira
Her brother Rob lashed out by comparing her to psychotic killer Amazing Amy from Gone Girl, but it’s another classic film character that has really captivated Kim Kardashian.

The San Fernando Valley’s perennial It girl took her platinum dye job – and curious bone structure – to the next level by going totally retro and channeling Gelfling beauty Kira from Muppet creator Jim Henson’s 1982 film The Dark Crystal.

It’s amazing what they can do with Animatronics these days.